Depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy

Hello again to Gransnetters, from the resident miseryguts...
Just back from taking DD1 to the station back to Norwich. We have so enjoyed having her with us and I feel terribly empty, flat and desolate now. I never thought I'd be one of those mothers living for every cherished visit from their children, but hey, here I am - blubbing pathetically into my mug of chamomile tea (salty herbal tea=not that nice). We won't see her again till Easter. I'd hoped we could go up for a couple of days one weekend, but she's already a bit freaked with all the work she will have to do this term - she is teaching more modules at the university this semester. I am happy she's got an independent life; I wouldn't want that any other way, and I am hoping (and getting as close to praying that an ageing atheistic old crone can be) that she will meet someone as lovely as she is to share her life with. But I miss her already and am a bit panicked at how I'm going to cope with those feelings.

But I wiffle. Again.*takes deep breff and gulps salty herbal tea*

Am intrigued at why jinglebellrocks's post was deleted. WHY?

Mindfulness advocates (Grindos included): Thumbs up to that. I NEED to get back into it. Have the CDs, have a ricketty old cd player. I used to try the Loving Kindness meditation/Metta Bhavna(?spellin) but worried because I couldn't genuinely feel a real, fervent wish for others' happiness. I thought that made me rather a freak and a monstrous human being and it's something that evokes deep shame in me. I am told that it's enough to have the intention to try, so maybe I should give it another go and see what happens.
As to 'seeking the good things', I do that, really I do. And though I accept that it isn't apparent in my posts, I really try hard. I go out into the countryside whenever I can persuade my DH to drive us (my driving wouldn't get me much further than the local shops!); I love visiting gardens and historic houses. I enjoy working in my own garden, when I can motivate myself. It was all the more bitter when my depression took such a tight hold of my innards that I was finding it hard to enjoy any of the things I used to like doing. There was a demon hissing in my ear 'What's the point? It won't help, you won't feel any better for it, you're just kidding yourself....' and try as I might, I couldn't shut the booger oop. It's not a nice place to be, down in that grey treacle, where you can easily lose yer wellies in the struggle to extricate yourself from the goo. I am slightly better now, thanks to Mirtazapine, but it's made my weight rocket substantially and MIL is commenting about it (and I don't want her to know I take them, or that I am in therapy).
Interesting that Stansgran suggests making a quilt. I used to be 'into' textile art rather than patchwork which to me was a bit too much like maths (and I failed my maths O level quite spectacularly!) BUT...I have layered, cut, slashed, painted and dyed my way through a City and Guilds course of Embroidery (think mixed media - paint, metals, plastics, silk fibres and gilding waxes rather than traycloths and flowered toilet-roll holders). That was over a decade ago, and since then my enthusiasm and confidence dribbled away as that of my ex-bezzie and business partner grew and blossomed. I am trying in a small way to get back into it again. But Stansgran, my idea of a quilt is likely to be someone else's old dirty dishrag (as in 'Er- ye-e-es, but what exactly IS it?') MIL is constantly asking me what I'm making and my reply is usually 'Nothing much!' Having said that I am currently knitting a brightly coloured ...thing for DD2 and baby, using as many different patterns and stitches as I can think up, but using combinations of four primary colours. Will probably take me all year, but I will finish it.

Right, I am now going to take my beloved CD player/radio with me while I clean the bathroom ready for tomorrow's visitors, and try not to think too much about how long it will be before I see DD1 again....but I am truly thankful for the helpful suggestions people have posted and I will definitely try to put some of them into practice

Oops, misquoted you J - apologies, but the sentiment is the same.

jingle ".........try to seek out the good things in life..." Lot of truth there.

Agree. Sounds helpful.

Definitely seek help from inside yourself. Nothing g wrong with that. But try to seek out the good things you have too.

Sorry if you think I have never suffered from depression and anxiety.

I think I would start by thinking:-

MAY I BE THANKFUL THAT I AM AS WELL AS I AM IN BODY AND MIND
MAY I STRENGTHEN THAT WELLNESS AND CONTINUE TO BECOME STRONGER

and then go on to hope that those I love stay safe etc.

When pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, you need a toehold, then a foothold. Acknowledging that others are in worse straits than you and that you CAN climb out gives you that toehold. Helping someone else to get a toe onto a ledge also boosts the confidence in yourself that you need.

Believe me, when you are down that black hole so far, you will try anything. You grasp at any straw no matter what; And who knows, it may work for some people, I have tried all sorts in my years of fighting off my own "black dog". Good luck to you all who are in the same position.

I apologise to anyone who finds the word "crap" too hard to take.

Can it really be good for you to sit and chant "May I ....' s"?

Surely outward thinking is better.

jings You've every right to express an opinion.

HQ will probably delete that. Please HQ, do it without the snotty email.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Grindos

Hi Rowantree. For me, this has been the best, most helpful, thread I've followed on gransnet in several years. When you did your Mindfulness course, did you come across the Loving Kindness Meditation? I really like it and I do it when I can't sleep (most nights) and when I'm out walking, feeling anxious.
First we sit and bring the mind to the breath. Slowly bring your conscious mind to your self, your life, your feelings, your needs. Repeat the following lines, either out loud or to yourself.
MAY I BE SAFE AND PROTECTED
MAY I BE HEALTHY IN BODY AND MIND
MAY I BE HAPPY
MAY I LIVE IN EASE AND AT PEACE
Bring to mind those who are close to you and repeat the lines
MAY YOU BE SAFE AND PROTECTED
MAY YOU BE HEALTHY IN BODY AND MIND
MAY YOU BE HAPPY
MAY YOU LIVE IN EASE AND AT PEACE
You can then bring other groups of people to mind throughout the world and spend as long as you like repeating the lines.
By the way, I'm going back to Mindfulness, on Sunday workshops this year.

Seconded, Tegan.
Rowantree has a gift. It: [writing] could be the answer to her feelings of low self esteem.

I've never heard anyone speak so eloquently about a subject that is difficult to explain to someone that has never experienced it. I've only ever been down when bad things have happened to me; being a worrier with a lack of self confidence I can only begin to understand what it's like when those feelings take over your life and won't go away.

Rowantree...know what...you're special. Just saying.

Hi, nuttynana, pleased to read your story too though appalled that you've had no therapy. It's a mixed blessing though: none of it's really helped and only the Mindfulness course I paid for myself has been of any benefit. The therapy I'm having now really isn't doing anything and is meant for those diagnosed with Borderline, as I am, though I don't really 'fit' most of the symptoms apart from mood swings. CBT taught me thinking errors but didn't change anything - if I'd had it decades ago maybe it might have helped more. It shouldn't be a postcode lottery though - you should be referred to some kind of therapy and I know provision is VERY patchy which is terrible. Like you I have tried so many self help techniques and still do - meditation is something I really need to get back to, as I believe Mindfulness would help if practised regularly (it doesn't 'cure' depression as such but helps you feel more grounded and accepting of how things are, rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future). All I want is to feel OK about myself and my life; to appreciate what I have rather than what I don't have. I won't ever give up, but sometimes it's difficult to get through the overwhelming anxiety or feelings of sadness for no apparent reason which strike almost out of the blue. But we can be strong for each other, support each other and help each other cope

Thank you for posting Rowantree. I have read through the posts. Like some others have said ""it could have been me." I know that you realise how lucky you really are but there are times when it all gets too much aren't there?

I have had a lifelong struggle with depression and am on medication which allows me to function but not to enjoy life if you know what I mean. On a lighter note you will understand exactly how I feel when I hear about all the therapy you have had! (envy) Grrrrrr! I have never been offered anything on the NHS in 20 years . I had to change my GP recently and did get a phone number on a scrap of paper you can ring for free help (along with a higher strength Efexor). Guess what ? No one available to take my call. It nearly finished me off, I was so low!

I have read all the self help books , trawled the internet etc! tried diet , exercise lifestyle , vitamins, herbs, meditation, hypnosis, acupuncture and "DO IT YOUSELF" CBT, along with EFT. No progress longterm but some times are better than others.

I understand the reluctance to unburden yourself , we don't want to sound negative, complaining, ungrateful etc but please come here whenever you need, your story has certainly helped me feel less guilty. Maybe I can be strong for you on the days it is too much, together we can keep going and have a good New Year.

There' s no such thing as normal IMO. I've yet to meet a normal person. And malignant melanomas can be cut out. In Oz there are people all over the place with chunks out of them STILL SUNBATHING. Rowantree make a quilt. It's my cure for everything and make it for yourself. There are some wonderful examples of the kindness of strangers here.

rowantree you really do have a good turn of phrase. Your post higher up actually made me smile, and given that this is a serious thread, that is some skill.

Sod the "Unstable Mood Disorder" label - doh! Like you needed to be given that, sometimes I wonder about professionals.

You sound like a fascinating person and I will try and make that date in Croydon in the not too distant future.

xx

Re-reading some of the lovely posts here and trying not to feel sad....dreading DD's return to Norwich on Monday and tonight is the last cosy-time we will spend together as tomorrow she's out with friends all day and into the evening (which is fine, she deserves and needs that).
She is so lovely but my heart aches for her: she's 33 in June, single, and having to watch her younger sister in a stable relationship, with her partner and baby, moving to their first bought home in January when she is struggling financially. I miss her too because she is such lovely company (right now she and DH are happily doing some family history work together and though I am not involved I like to hear them talking about it).
Wrong I know, but I am dreading her going.... and trying not to allow my sadness and depression to get the better of me.
Soop, I have started writing down my feelings - in a small pretty notebook.
Love the Aldous Huxley quote. I have done Bad Things in my distant past, and find it hard to forgive myself for them, but it's the pervasive sadness/depression/anxiety which dogs my days. I wake most mornings with it hanging on to my soul. The only way is to get up anyway and push through it. Sometimes it eases, sometimes not. Today it did, for a while, so I am glad of the respite while it lasted, but now it's back again! Hoping we can have a cosy evening together despite it.

Wondering how Gransnetters cope with the New Year thing....! Another time which can be difficult for many people.

Icy Your post is uplifting. Thank you.

Sel I am delighted that you have the support of your family. There strength will fortify you and your husband.

baubles Gransnet has made an enormous difference to my life. With the passage of time, feelings of low esteem and inadequacy have been replaced with a refreshing self confidence. Through this forum, I've discovered a path to understanding and forgiving myself. My Granspals have contributed to turning my life around.

Rowantree You have a gift. You express yourself beautifully. You are, as I was, bogged down by negative self esteem. Such negativity constantly nibbles away until you know no other way of regarding yourself and your obvious achievements. I have [in my head] a huge sack. Whenever long-ago bad memories sneak into mind, I gather them up, put them in the sack and burn them on a bonfire.
Recently, my youngest son wrote: 'Darling Mum, It IS time to forgive yourself. You certainly don't need forgiveness from me - and if you do, you already have it. I know how guilty you have been feeling, but what purpose has it served, other than to prevent you from moving from a half-remembered past to a considerably brighter future. I recently read Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. In his preface he writes: 'Chronic remorse, as all moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the mud is not the best way of getting clean.' This is an extract fro what is a beautifully penned letter. It now resides in my personal treasure box.
It's a pity that you are unable to take certain medications. They do help enormously.
I agree with other Granspals...get yourself a super-posh notebook. Don't give a stuff about such thoughts as ...so and so is better than me...just sit down when you feel like it and put your marvellous brain to work.
I also wanted to go to art school. I wanted to be a textile designer. My well-meaning father poo-pood my demented wishes and suggested that I should go into the civil service [safe and well paid] and get married. Well, you know the rest.
Big warm hug from a blustery Kintyre.

This thread is possibly the most helpful thing I have ever read and I have benefitted from support from Gnet before now.

Rowantree and Soop I could lift whole paragraphs from your posts and use them as descriptions of my life and my thoughts/feelings. I'm borrowing all of the helpful replies for myself.

Mental health problems are an unseen blight on many lives, please be kinder to yourselves. I'm trying to take my own advice, it doesn't always work.

Sel - please don't regret saying anything at all. You have as much right to 'speak' as anyone. I am so glad your family know and are supportive - it really helps to feel that strengthening comfort and love when things are particularly difficult and challenging. You really need that now. The Jan hol sounds an excellent idea and I'm glad you have that to look forward to together.

I wish you continued courage, strength and love.

Icyalittle: just seen your post - that's beautiful!