Depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy

My drivings rubbish well [supermarket and back and the school run sometimes] so I don't get out and about as much as I should. Wish you lived in my village, Rowantree ; I'm sure we'd be pals!

I'd love to get together, but I live in Surrey, so probably not that close to any of you - plus my driving skills are rubbish (again a relic of my childhood when my mother told me I was like her and would never be able to do it - I was determined to prove her wrong and I do drive, but only within a very restricted radius as I'm so anxious).

I was loved and cared for as a child so I do feel guilty for how I feel now. However, both my parents had disrupted childhoods: my mother was motherless at the age of 2 and sent to England from Canada aged 5 because no one could or would take care of her. She remained bitter all her life. My father was a refugee from Nazi Germany, came to England via Kindertransport and lost his parents at Auschwitz. They tried hard to give us a loving childhood but my father was very strict and both had set ideas on how we should be (especially me as the only girl). I felt I disappointed them in so many ways and let them down. My brothers were held up as paragons as they were intellectually superior to me and went to Oxford, becoming very successful and top of their respective professions, whereas I was pushed into teaching - I wanted to do art but it was made clear that 'you have to be good to succeed at that'. I never felt good enough and always felt second-best - the one who didn't 'make it'. It was almost a family joke that I was the 'dimmo of the family' - a rather overused phrase. I struggled to achieve some sense of myself, with my own tastes and interests, though these were often ridiculed by my parents. They did their best and gave us a lot of opportunities and I am very thankful for that, but I was determined that our own children should always feel they were loved unconditionally and that we were proud of them whatever they chose to do - and that they should follow whichever path inspired and excited them, not follow our wishes.

Our second daughter was born with a rare syndrome which was devastating for all of us - unilateral abnormalities, health problems, blindness in one eye, leading to years of hospital visits, major surgery including leg lengthening and amputation and later, severe mental health issues - self harm and suicide attempts. We got through all of this somehow and hung on - she survived, sometimes only just, has turned her life around and is now self-employed, feisty, happy, in a loving relationship and has a beautiful baby daughter. I look back on the difficult years with wonder: they weren't all sadness by any means as we wanted her to have all the opportunities her elder sister had and made sure that happened, even when we had to fight for her right to stay in mainstream education (she was the only child in a wheelchair in her primary and secondary schools).
Life has become much easier since both daughters left home (though I do miss them terribly, I celebrate their independence and wouldn't have it any other way). My OH has been retired a couple of years so we should be free to follow whatever we choose and be happy. That is why I feel so guilty that I can't enjoy my freedom now I have time and space to be myself. There's a sense of 'Is that it, then?' which sounds defeatist, and I don't mean to, but all the issues I'd shelved decades ago seem to have risen up to overwhelm me and prevent me from feeling OK (I'm not so unrealistic to expect more than that).
Tegan - I can empathise with your feelings when you bump into your friend walking with another friend. I am sure I'd feel the same. I dread bumping into my ex-friend - we live a few streets from each other but the idea fills me with dread! Granny23 - I agree with what you say about the inner child, though mine often deserves a good slap ;)

Granny23, thank you, and I'm glad you've found a way to change your perceptions of your childhood. I believe I've tried to do this, but in the end the 'I' that has to do the unconditional loving is the same 'I' that never had it when she needed it. I hope I'm making sense.

I'd second that. If you do live somewhere close to other GNetters a meet up could be arranged.

I doubt if we ever escape things that happened to us during our formative years. Had a card from someone the other day that had adopted two children both of whom had had a very difficult few years, and they still have emotional problems, much as they've been loved and cared for for many years now. For me, I was loved and cherished too much, which makes me feel suffocated if someone wants to be with me all the time. I had a dear friend that I used to walk with; when time became short for both of us she still found time to walk with another friend [still does] and I rarely see her; Rowantree, when I do bump into them walking together it feels almost like bumping into my ex husband and his girlfriend [and I even imagine the 'other' friend is secretly laughing at me]. Rowantree; do you live close to any of us? You sound such a nice person [with such a sense of humour] wish we could arrange a 'mini' get together for you.

Daisy - you said "but it just emphasised how odd my own childhood was, and that can't be changed." Sorry to disagree but although you cannot change the actuality of your childhood you can change your perceptions of it. Our childhood memories are selective, we hark back to certain occasions and events, sleights (real and imagined) old greivances. I am sure I have detailed on Gransnet before about coming across photo albums from my birth onwards, spending time looking at the always wistful pictures of myself and having my heart go out to the somewhat forlorn child pictured there. It was easy to love that child who looked so like my DD2 and DGD1. It was a turning point for me. I now realise that sweet lovable child was and is ME. To use the jargon - I have come to love myself - unconditionally. I am by no means perfect, have my faults, etc. but then so do my DDs, my DGC, my DH and I love them all to bits, would literally die for them if the need arose. Does not my 'Inner child' deserve the same love and concern? Of course she does and so does yours, particularly if it was not in plentiful supply when she was a child.

People who talk about their wonderful lives and busy schedules are usually trying to convince themselves that life is so. What we see isn't always what is reality. As my father used to say..... "be careful what you wish for." You don't know what's lurking under the surface. Happiness is appreciating what you have.
Hugs

To all those Granspals with sad stories to share...I send my love. x

I feel pretty much as you do Rowantree, you are certainly not alone. Daisy, I agree with you. My upbringing was pretty horrendous, drunken, violent father, I was fed and clothed but never felt cared about, was often scruffy, with head lice and bad teeth through neglect. I was never like the other children in my area, although there were many poor families at the time (1950s/early 60s). We never had holidays or days out, and lived in fear a lot of the time. I think I have done pretty well to survive to today - one of my brothers didn't survive it. I got myself a decent job and (hopefully) gave my daughter the childhood I never had. However, I too feel constantly anxious and 'not good enough'. It definitely stems from my childhood. Rowantree - don't beat yourself up so much, you are a good person. People let you see what they want you to see, I'm sure some of those who are professing to have a wonderful social whirl are not having such a great time at all.

I recognise every word you have written Rowantree.

The resultant posts have been insightful and wise.

I wonder whether you had an upbringing similar to mine, where I was cared for materially (as far as Wartime exigencies allowed - I was born in 1936) but I am certain I never experienced unconditional love. My parents were never happy and when I was 10, my father left us to live with another family, with a daughter a little younger than me, in the same village. So I was forced to recognise that I wasn't good, or pretty, or whatever, enough for him; my mother was incapable of showing affection, owing to her own upbringing, and of course she was shattered by her husband's behaviour.

I'm as sure as I can be that my insecurities, feelings of inadequacy and of being a permanent 'outsider' are rooted in the way I was treated as a child. Logically, I know that I'm not bad-looking and have achieved certain academic success; but these count for nothing when I'm up against all or any social situations. I've tried various forms of therapy too, most recently Cognitive Behaviour Therapy; but it just emphasised how odd my own childhood was, and that can't be changed.

You have expressed the wretched frame of mind so graphically I just had to respond, though I realise nothing I've said will be any help to you.

I tend to be very jealous of my closer friends particularly if they go out together and I am not invited. Fortunately the older I get the less it seems to be a problem but I still have to give myself the occasional 'talking to'. When it comes to social gatherings I refer to myself as an 'introverted extrovert' and am never quite sure what or how I will act; not OTT but either full of enthusiasm or shy and silent.

You are definitely not alone Rowantree and I do hope you find a good way to switch those thoughts off when they encroach into your life. Keep up with the therapy, you have done particularly well to put your thoughts on here

Rowantree keep posting. There are many of us who struggle mentally for whatever reason or none, and wear the public mask, but GN seems to me to be such a sharing community, perhaps because of the anonymity, with non-judgmental support and advice. Another therapy may be a better fit for you, you know?

Rowantree I promise that I shall read your posts in depth a little later. I've just a short time in which to stay on GN. Just keep telling yourself...I am not alone, and other people do understand.

You have had some hard knocks and I am hearing guilt again [slapped wrist] You say the split with your friend was your fault. That's not how it sounds to me - she let you down and I wonder if part of how you dealt with it is that you are not able to blame others when it is actually their fault, but shoulder the responsibility yourself. Each time you are let down you lose a layer of skin (if you see what I mean) and it hurts when you see the injustice of the friend carrying on blithely when your partnership (and therefore a large part of your enjoyment in your craft) was shattered. I do not necessarily believe in quick fixes but a couple of things occur to me:
Could you take any part of what you do into e.g. retirement homes, psychiatric units as a contribution to occupational therapy?
Belongng to crafting groups - whether quilting, embroidery, felting, knit and natter, what ever or joining a class (even if you do not have a lot to learn) can provide an easy companionship where you work side by side with others - friendships may develop but there is no pressure to be "besties" with the woman beside you. This ca also give a shape to your week. It can take a bit of courage to start at these things alone (although actually I prefer that as I can be my own person, not someone else's sidekick) A hobby or interest can be a wonderfully strong bond even with strangers.
A final thought. Maybe your therapy is not right for you. I would hesitate to judge without professional experience, but remember how my own depression after my father's death did not respond well to kind chats with ex-Samaritan friends which only seemed to stir everything up again and made me feel even worse.

I try to remember that i am comparing my inner self (warts and all) with their outer selves (often involving a bit of pretence) .

Time and time again I have found that outwardly confident people who seem to have wonderful lives when I know them only superficially, turn out to have their own insecurities and problems when I get to know them better.

Finally, I hope you will find a way to accept your feelings. Don't try to suppress them because that will just make them stronger and they are not harming anybody except you if you don't act on them.

Dearest Rowantree You are certainly NOT alone. I've been where you are. I know how wretched such thoughts and feelings can be. It is NOT your fault. It is a medical condition. If you break a leg, it can be mended. If the mind is disturbed, it can be made well again. Talking things through with your GP is the best option. Depression is a cold, lonely, hostile place. You, like me and others on GN, need help. There is no shame in that. Please continue to talk to us. You matter. We care.

I do not think you are alone at all. I think that those sort of thoughts are part of everyone's daily thought processes, but in differing degrees.

The trick is not to mind those thoughts, but to treat them as normal, rather than pathological.

The idea that other people are having a better time than we are is so common - I used to hear this often when I was a social worker - and sometimes from both sides! - i.e person A thought that person B was having a better time then they were, but when I was talking to person B they thought the same thing the other way round!!!!

In my experience, those other people out there are not having a better time - they are just doing different things.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all who've posted such kind and helpful thoughts. It really does help. I was tempted to try and delete my post after I'd written it because I felt so ashamed of it: part of me thinks 'You stupid old self-pitying, selfish woman - give yourself a kick up the arse - just realise how lucky you are before it's too late...' but I decided to risk it, because sometimes writing our feelings down is a relief and can help get things in perspective.
In answer to sunseeker, Soutra and other suggesting counselling....I am currently in the middle of a therapy caller Mentalisation-Based therapy (two days a week) and I'm 8 months into the 18 month programme. I feel worse rather than better. My psychiatrist is encouraging me to stick at it, so I am, hoping something will start to make sense, but it feels like being back at school: drama sessions where the young facilitator gives out percussion instruments to bang on (rather similar to my music teaching sessions for five-year-olds!), patronising, though very well-meaning and kind, therapists getting us to draw pictures and reading things into them which aren't there (!), 'community meetings' where we're encouraged to voice any concerns (mostly about the food and whether we can plant some bulbs in the depressing fag-end ridden pots outside). There's group therapy too, where I sit listening to the terribly sad stories from other patients and feeling utterly guilty that my situation isn't anything like theirs. They have good reason for being ill; I don't feel I do, so the guilt is an added burden. My life was difficult years ago, very much so, but it isn't now, and I ought to be able to deal with my emotions better at the age of 60. Instead I feel aged two, going on fourteen. Pathetic!
As to medication, I was resisting it because there aren't many I can take without interacting with my migraine meds, but I was feeling so low that in the end my psych suggested a different one and that does seem to be helping. Unfortunately it has weight-gain as a side effect and I'm no sylph as it is! Finally it does seem to be taking the edge off the lack of motivation and blackness, but not so much the anxiety and it's no magic bullet, of course. I will continue to try my utmost not to allow my state of mind to affect others, which means keeping a mask firmly attached to my face so no-one sees the rather unpleasant, unpalatable truth lurking beneath. If people knew what I am really like, they wouldn't want to know, believe me! And I really, really want to change. The envy spoken of by Sunseeker is a frequent visitor in my head - not something I am proud of at all. It's something I struggle with constantly, and probably always will.
It is a comfort to know and read here that I am not alone in some of my feelings, though I think I am less successful than others at dealing with them. I do envy those who appear 'sorted' and confident and at ease with themselves. It's a state which continues to elude me, however hard I pretend otherwise through misplaced pride!
Soutra, I recognise that weekend thing! I tend to feel better about my own company during weekdays. I am a member of U3a and go to meditation classes (unfortunately these are only monthly) and also Pilates, and I love gardens and gardening - though this is rather solitary, it does bring solace in being outside with Nature, worms and all).
I also used to enjoy textile art, and still have a very small 'cottage industry' dyeing threads and fibres for sale at quilting and embroidery groups and shows, but I used to do that with a close friend years ago, who then decided she didn't want to do it with me any more . This was a crushing blow, but I mainly blame myself for the split. It meant I had to withdraw from groups we went to as it was too awkward and painful to see her and I had to give up mutual friendships as a result and try to rebuild my life. She was able to continue hers unhampered as if nothing had happened and found a new 'sidekick'. I haven't seen her since; it felt, and still feels, like a bitter divorce, as we had been friends for over 25 years. Since then I've got to know a few other people, gradually re-established a couple of former friendships - some of those who could see what had happened and didn't think badly of me. It's been difficult, and even now if I hear from someone that my ex-friend is doing well, it feels like a knife in the guts - I don't want to hear it!

Enough of that: I am now going to get stuck into cleaning, cooking and polishing up my battered old mask for Christmas. Hugs and grateful thanks to everyone here. Bless you.

You are not a monster, Rowantree. I think it is brave of you to admit to how you feel and I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you feel envious because you would like to be out being sociable but are not invited?

There seem to be a lot of us who are not party animals at all - I dread having to go to social events and I feel guilty as my DH thrives on such things and is the life and soul of the party whilst I try to melt into the background. Not that we go out much at all. So, you see, you are not alone and you do seem to realise that being envious of others means you are counting their blessings instead of your own. Probably there are lots of people who would gladly swap places with you. I hope you can work through your depression and find joy in life again.

All I can say is that I agree with the other posters - you are not alone in feeling the way you do. A friend rang me the other day with some good news - my immediate reaction was envy, yet she was so much more in need of good luck than I. Since my DH died I don't go out much and yes sometimes I sit here thinking that everyone is out having a gay old time when, of course, they are not.

Have you seen your doctor about your depression and anxiety? I know pills are not always the answer but they can help.

Come onto GN and vent as much as you want - you will always find support.

I used to dread social occasions so much that the only way I could cope was by smoking constantly; I could hide behind the cigarettes. Now, as everyone will testify to, I just hide behind an attack of verbal diarrhoea instead. At least you still have a sense of humour about it, Rowntree. I'm sure I read that the majority of people suffer from some sort of social phobia [guess that's why so many socail events involve alcohol].

I can and do sympathise and would not do that thing of saying "I know how you feel" - but I think I do. It usually hits me at the weekend when being retired loses its appeal (as everyone else is free too) and when we do absolutely nothing. In my working days that would have been my idea of bliss but it palls when it is the default setting. Strangely, by Monday I feel myself surfacing again and doing nothing when others are facing the commute, bottom set 99 or an interminable staff meeting is a bit of a treat.
It is a bit facile of me to say you would not believe how many people share much of what you are saying, that doesn't make it any easier, but everybody else is not having a wonderful social life, and maybe if they are going on about it, it might be a case of "protesting too much"?
ll this is a totally amateur response and perhaps you should be looking at professinal help. Anxiety and depression are not anything yu need to feel guilty about. They are genuine medical conditions. Have you tried counselling?
Please keep posting - you only have to look at how mny people are on gransnet of an evening to know that we are not out there enjoying the high life. and

Rowantree, all that you say sounds so familiar, you are definitely not alone. The trouble is that part of the conditions makes you feel isolated and as if you are the only one and when deep in the mire ones rational and balanced part of the brain is not working.
Hence when we are down all we see is the negatives, its only when we are managing to bounce back up that we can look back and rationalise why we felt that way.
Hang in there, remind yourself that you are not your thoughts, they are almost a separate thing that should be seen as such. You are what is deep down, the kind bit, the loving bit, you are not those horrid feelings and thoughts that are probably much more to do with body chemicals and the dark days and nights.
Cuddle up with an old comforting book or a film that takes you back to happy thoughts, be kind to yourself and just hang in there.
All the best.

Rowantree, there's a great article on the BBC website that covers our shared problems with social gatherings etc. The trouble is that the world thinks that extraverts are the life and soul of the party and anyone who isn't (like me, an introverted social phobic) is odd. We aren't! Don't be apologetic, be proud of who you are and enjoy the coming holiday in whichever way that makes YOU happy!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25416835

You are NOT the only person struggling with this.

I have had years of it, and the only way I find is to fight it - as best I can.
Lately things have cheered a little and I have joined the local (new) U3A this year...and find myself even running a group...i didn't know I could do this. Means I meet people, which I don't find easy as an incomer here.

I've been ill recently too and that brought me down. Went to the doctor yesterday and have come back with new pills and encouragement.

Do not get angry and take it out on yourself. you are basically a good person who has problems...I know where some of mine have come from, and some are still there, i have a relationship problem with my sister for instance - and one of my daughters is not in touch at all.
It has helped me to go back over my life and work out what has gone wrong, and if possible see what I can think of differently.

This is a bad time of year and makes a lot of people feel low. Just now I am thinking thank goodness it will be over soon!

One thought I hang on to. In the end all I have is me. I want to live. So I have to try and make things better.