Alcoholism

I don't know what to say

I know this is bumping an old post but my heart goes out to anyone affected by the sickness which is alcoholism

My DD is not the same girl she used to be either , she SEEMS to be managing well but just underneath the surface is a very sad girl who likes to think she has control of things when she has NOT

Her drinking has put a terrible strain on the family and those who are familiar with my postings on the Grandparent forum will know the things I am going through at present

Things fell apart when I hit the exhaustion level after 5 months of full on care for my DD and DGS and one of them was way more difficult to deal with than the other

I can manage and cope with my DGS who has special needs - I CANNOT manage or cope with my DD when she has been drinking , it is a nightmare , cannot converse with her properly , it is just CHAOS and my DGS needs to be PROTECTED from chaos and so do I to be honest for my own peace of mind and my own health!!!!

There has to be some detachment and firm boundaries which I am beginning to put in place now , it's hard for her , but it's hard for me to stand by and watch and be AFFECTED by her drinking , she has to sort it out for herself and seek help , once she recognises she NEEDS it

It is a difficult situation when your loved one is drinking , you can't help them , you can only put the ''rules'' in place and stick to them yourself

I have always been there for my DD but I can't do it any more , only from arms length now and it seems I am going to have to be cruel to be kind xx

Well done you Silverfish- for your work as a volunteer. Yes it does seem strange to think one can be an addict, in this case, an alcoholic- if you just have a few drinks a week - but if not having it would cause one great anxiety and distress, then the signs are there. Don't want to detract from Annie's very moving post- but there are so many ways of being an alcoholic. When you see someone regularly falling in the street and gutter- it is so obvious. But in many ways, the regular consumption of fairly large amounts of alcohol by highly functioning alcoholics is more insidious and hidden because they are never apparently drunk. For many young people nowadays, drinking half or a bottle of wine every night after work is the norm- and a lot more at week-ends socially. They think it is perfectly OK because 'everyone' does it = it is normal- and also because they are highly successful individuals professionally. If alcohol is needed on a daily or regular basis to recover from the stresses of life- it can truly become an addiction and a problem- and cause permanent liver damage. It's estimated that at least 1/3 or the UK population is at serious risk of liver damage, pancreatitis, etc.

Annie glad to hear you will be contracting A/Anon for advice and support. More

My sympathy to anyone out there who is suffering from alcohol abuse or a member of their family is

That was in the training I did. I think its ok as long as you know you can avoid it altogether. EG. If someone has a drink once a week/or two drinks etc and they really cant give it up that's when its a problem, however if they have those one or two drinks once a week but there comes a week when they may be expected to do something else or they are perhaps working a late shift and they know they can do without that drink then its ok.
I find the whole concept scary I know lots of folk who just live for the weekend to get drunk.

I don't see how anyone can be classed as an addict if they only drink one glass of whatever a week.

I volunteer in a rehab centre and found unbelievable stories of courage from the service users. Some are spouses/partners of an alcoholic and have suffered abuse, others are there for treatment.
Did anyone know that you can be an addict if you only have 1 glass of wine/beer etc a week. If you are dependant on that drink even once a week then you are addicted. Think of how many people are just dying for Friday night to come around to have that drink with their friends from the office.
I also feel sorry for the youngsters who often go on a binge from Friday night, all night and all Saturday through to Sunday lunchtime and just sober up enough for work on a Monday.
But the fact is that no matter how long you stay sober you always risk 'falling off the wagon' it has to be a lifetime commitment.

Again, thank you all. I will contact Alanon, all the responses and kindness has helped me so much, I was suffering from headless chicken syndrome.

I will certainly hold into ' relapse is part of a process ' and thank you grannyknot for the link

How can I ever really put into words what your kindness has done for me, at times ' thank you' seems inadequate but it's all I can say

Thank you, each and everyone x

Dear anniebach this is good reading on ways in which family members can help themselves and the person with the problem:

www.thecounselingcenter.org/The_Counseling_Center/10Ways.html

I also remembered about the research that says that there is a cumulative positive effect from the various treatment episodes that people have, in other words, relapse is part of a process, and each time someone enters treatment for addiction, they learn something to build on towards their recovery.

Of course everyone is different, but there is hope for your daughter.

Anniebach, do get in touch with your local branch of Alanon. They are a group of people who have an alcoholic in their family and need support. They really do help you to get an understanding of the problem, enabling you to detach with love. It is an off shoot of AA.

Anniebach (((hugs)))

Anniebach - just read your story and I don't know what to say, except to confirm the advice about AlAnon. I think we suffer more when sharing our childrens' problems than about our own.
Our family have come through problems connected with alcohol - it's a battle that continues.

Ps I do hope things improve for you and your daughter, and hope someone is giving you help,for your agrophobia.

Anniebach regarding patient confidentiality, my GP was happy for me to give him information about Husbands drinking habit, as long as I didn't expect to be told anything about his conversations with him.I knew he would not be getting the full picture from Husband, and thought he should know.However, this was a GP in a small practice , that we saw fairly regularly at the time.

Knowing she did so well has also given your daughter a glimpse too, that it is possible to,get well and you are there for her. It won't happen overnight but it is a good start.

Hope you feel a bit more positive. Love to you both.

I think that seeing her do so well after the ten days in hospital was a glimpse of the person she use to be , I must hold onto this, that lovely daughter is still there , some where. I know she has to do it for herself.

The constant fear does grind me down , but I don't feel so alone now, over the five years family and friends have become distant, supportive at first but life goes on and this I understand .

I am so grateful to you all and thankful that I found the courage to reach out to you x

Annie I know people who got a lot of benefit from going along to AlAnon. Being with people in the same boat who they could identify with and will care and understand what you are going through was a great help and comfort to them. Others I know were helped to understand more about this illness by seeing a councillor but, specifically a councillor who was a recovering alcoholic. There is no one to blame for this Annie. It's no one's 'fault'. No one else's words or deeds make someone become an alcoholic. Sadly those who look for reasons or blame will say this kind of thing but it is through ignorance or understanding the cause of alcoholism.

If I had the power to do more for you and your daughter, I would do it in a heartbeat but this can only come from her, she must make the first move to want sobriety and so, so many people do reach a point when they realise I've got to change this around. I hope with all me heart your daughter feels this soon, for herself, and, when this begins, the rest of her family will heal too.

You are in no way responsible for this Annie. Look after yourself and never give up hope. My thoughts are with you.

To anyone having problems with someone's drinking, I would say please, please try Al-Anon. There are people to talk to on the phone if you can't get to a meeting. It helped me enormously.
And as for definitions of alcoholism - the best one I ever found was that a person is an alcoholic (or has a problem, if you prefer that terminology) if alcohol costs them more than money. If it starts to cost health, family relationships, job, self-esteem, whatever - it's a problem. By that definition, exactly how much or how often a person drinks becomes irrelevant.It's the outcomes that matter.
Love to all who are struggling with this problem.

So many people don't understand, how can they when they haven't experienced it for themselves, even your sisters. They are looking out for their own children, not for your granddaughters. I know it must make you feel awful when your daughter askes for help, but if it's financial or doing anything that enables her to continue leading her current life then you mustn't, and maybe you do need to move away. It certainly sounds as if you need to get away for at least a month, just to have a break. I moved in with a friend who had a large house, to see how I got on. It was wonderful. I never went back, especially when I heard that he invited all of his friends over for a party and the house was trashed.
She needs to get into rehab, doesn't she.

Have a good old wallow. It's not self pity. It's despair and exhaustion. It must be the worst type of pain watching your child destroying their once good life and being unable to do anything about it. Worrying about the affect on your grandchildren. On top of all this knowing another child is suffering too.i can offer no advice or even comfort. But if it helps to pour it out here while bawling your eyes out then that's o.k. You'll pick yourself up, dust yourself down and stand tall tommorow. I really hope things might improve for you and your girls. Hold on tight you are not alone. (((((hug)))))

Anniebach Please please, It is not your fault, I blamed myself for my Ex being an alcoholic, a lovely Psychiatrist sat me down and explained it all to me, It is never anyone else's fault. Please believe that

It's good to hear that talking helped. My heart goes to you. I am no expert, but it does seem that many relatives do protect their alcoholics, cover for them, make excuses for them- and in a way, out of kindness, helps them to continue in their ways. It is the hardest thing to do as a parent, to say NO- even harder when they are adults, and when we allow guilt for whatever to take over.

One thing is for sure, it is not possible to help an alcoholic who won't be helped. So perhaps your younger daughter is hard to take you away from it all- and it is best (even if the hardest thing to do, as said) to take a step back.

Again, my heart goes out to you. xhug

I don't really know what to say, no idea why I opened up as I did, i don't talk about my daughter, I don't leave the house now, I think my younger daughter asking me to move to Lincolnshire to get away from the stress may have triggered my outburst . Some of you have your own pain yet you have all been so caring.
My frustration over patient confidentiality is not because I want to ask questions, I know my daughter is not being honest with them because she can't cope with the truth. Yes she drinks to take away the pain of the guilt she feels leaving her family and she tells them this but not the rest.

I have spoken to A A, and they were kind but I don't know one person who has this illness in their family and there are things I don't understand . One of my sisters has the wedding of her granddaughter in September, I know they are in a panic over invites, my granddaughters were going to be bridesmaids but this has been dropped, I know why, the girls don't , everyone is walking on egg shells . I have developed agoraphobia, how weak is that? . So my younger daughter wants me to leave all this behind and go into old age without all the stress. My son in law is spoiling the girls and this isn't good for them. My family which was always so close - a welsh extended family! - has fallen apart and I ask was my one sister correct when she said it was my fault because being a one parent family I spoilt my girls to compensate for the loss of their father?

When my daughter walked away from her family she sobbed and said ' Mum please look after my children as you looked after us '

I have talked too much sorry, it's all been building up for five years

I thank you all so much, I haven't received such kindness throughout all this
Thank you x

Anniebach I was so very sorry when I read your post. What a dreadful situation for your DD, you and your family.

I hope posting on GN and knowing you have support here will help a bit.

Annie's daughter is asking for help. So is it about now throwing her that lifeline - finding the right treatment or support or group?

I realise how complex a problem it is.

baubles Well done.

Anniebach my heart goes out to you. I have a child who is an alcoholic too. BUT they are in recovery now and have not drunk for over a year. The others are right, the first step has to come from them. If I can help in any way PM me.