Worried about my dad.

It is indeed a dreadful disease & one I'm unfortunately having first hand experience of with my OH.

Don't panic yet, it may be something else but you're right to be concerned as if does turn out to be dementia there are medications that can slow the progression down & the sooner you can start on them the better.

Another thing to get checked out is his vitamin B12 level.

When my OH got his diagnosis from his GP 2yrs ago, he wasn't as upset as I had thought he'd be & as it has progressed he still thinks there's nothing really wrong with him. Which makes things easier for him.

My thoughts are with you & I do hope that things turn out well for you.

Does your father eat properly and regularly? My aunt had similar issues and it turned out that she wasn't eating enough and had stopped eating foods containing enough protein. Once her diet improved, so did she. Might be worth checking that out?

As posie and minimousesay- there are other problems which can give rise to these symptoms. wait a little bit for some investigations it may be very treatable but I know its worrying.

My mother has dementia and please be assured you can live with it for some time - sometimes for all the time you need - without it becoming too much to cope with.

My advice would be to take things a step at a time. The doctor will first want to rule out any physical cause. One very common one which seems to cause far more problems in the elderly than the young (apologies if elderly is none PC in this instance but I have to use something) is bladder infection. They will also want to rule out heart problems, diabetes, depression and anything else they can think of and look at any medication he is taking.

If all this is excluded - and you can explain to your dad that is what they are doing and that you want to make sure you understand so can you go with him - they will do a short memory test. They may do it anyway. This will flag up any potential problems. Even at this stage you could just be talking about age-related memory loss (knowing that phrase kept me going for ages with mum as it is so much less frightening).

My mother was diagnosed with dementia after a visit to a wonderful memory clinic. Remember one in three people over 65 will be diagnosed with it at some point and many manage with just a little help for quite a long time.

If it does turn out to be dementia there are many practical things you can put in place to help your dad continue with a pretty normal life. There is some medication but don't think about that at this stage. Finding help can be ... not difficult but convoluted, but it is getting better.

It is frightening. I emailed everyone in my family and said I needed support. Some were great - my brother still doesn't want to know and ignores it but I got more support, even for my anxiety, than I would have done if I hadn't asked!

Take care and come back and let us know how you get on and if we can help.

Thank you for your comments but no, Mini he doesn't eat well. He has lost a lot of weight because of it. He has no cooker or oven to speak of because he left the gas on so got it condemned. He uses the microwave to cook but still rarely does and lives on portions a bird would eat. When I visit I take our tea with me so that I know he is getting a decent meal. Perhaps they could sort out meals on wheels if they still do them? He is very proud and says he can manage. He doesn't like to admit that he is getting older and frailer but it is a fact of life. His dad died at 63 years old and he is terrified of himself dying, not just afraid, but genuinely terrified so denies anything is wrong.

I've only been back in touch with him for the last 15 months due to my mother alienating him from my life as we grew up and beyond, everything was his fault, according to her. I see things very differently now as I realise I was brainwashed during this time and so have sought to have a normal Father/Daughter relationship with him at last. It is just a shame it's at a time now when we are both not at our best health wise. I now don't speak to my mother.

p.s. I am all my dad has as my siblings are still under my mother's spell and believe every word she says. She is 74 years old too and ill and they (brother and sister) take care of her.

I suppose, seeing that we had a very turbulent childhood and into adulthood, that my parents do well that they are both being looked after by all of us, just not all of us to each parent but there it is.

Grace Thank you for your reply, it has helped a lot.

In normal catch ups, I ask questions, like what did you do today? or what have you had for dinner? etc., but this seems to confuse him, make him stress and tire him out. Should I leave any questions alone? I think it's the normal day to day things I am trying to find out how to deal with it. I worry that he is not eating well, could have a fall, injure himself etc. He has had falls in his flat so I will need to tell the doctor that too. But he will not want to go into accommodation where there are wardens etc. or into a home. I really don't mind at all helping him. He put a roof over my head for 21 years and fed me all that time too, worked hard for us all and stayed even when he had every right to leave and not come back. So now it is my time to take care of him.

I believe meals on wheels still exist ruby

If your Dad refuses to consider meals on wheels, you could always offer to do his food shopping and stock his freezer, assuming he has one, with microwaveable ready meals. Adding a sticker with a large number for the required minutes of cooking would avoid confusion over instructions.
I hope you get the answers you need from the doctors, then you will know what you are facing and can act accordingly.
Don't forget to look after yourself as well!

It sounds as if, as well as any problems he may have that just might be dementia, he needs other help too.

If he is so afraid of dying he may be depressed of suffering from anxiety and that is like a huge brake on you doing anything for yourself.

I still think the best place to start would be the doctors but do paint the whole picture for her/him. Not having a cooker is a problem in itself and he may feel it is worth involving a social worker. This need not be for ever but they will assess his needs and do all they can to keep him in his home.

We no longer have meals on wheels as they used to be in our area, i.e., hot meals delivered daily. They did start delivering frozen meals for the week but I am not sure if that is happening now. There is a company, set up by the lady who co-ordinated the meals on wheels, which uses volunteers, and delivers hot meals - it was £5.10 a day when I last checked. We use Wiltshire Farm Foods for mum. We don't have many problems with food but mum does not have the capacity to understand her own needs (and then some days she does ) so I count what is in the freezer and ensure we order sufficient. It also means that I can check against my figures from the week before that she has not forgotten to eat or forgotten that she has eaten. So far, so good. These meals can all be microwaved.

Thinking about it while I type U think the first you just need to do is get in touch with someone. The best bet is to get your dad to go to the doctors as it all seems to start from there but if he won't, get in touch with social services, Age UK or someone. You will need support in order to support him.

All brilliant advice here, Ruby. It is a worrying time but at least you are there to help your father and it sounds as though you will be there for him, no matter what!

My Mum has dementia and sounds like your Mum. She alienated my brothers by telling lies but, when she became ill we all rallied and I wouldn't cope without my brothers. I hope that can happen for you but, if not, remember GN is here with lots of experience and good advice. My brothers and I laugh at the things Mum says and does now, but it is not in a spiteful way. She is even quite nice to me sometimes.

If your father is going to the GP, could you get him to do a urine sample to take with you? The difference a UTI makes to people's memory is phenomenal.

I used to freeze portions of our food for Mum but, each time I spoke to her, she was eating cornflakes and I had to through vast amounts of frozen food away. If your father isn't eating well it is probably not a good idea to get involved in ordering frozen food for him yet. Meals on Wheels, as such, doesn't exist anymore (Health and Safety did for it, I think!) and round here accessing the new improved version is means tested I think.

Let us know how you get on and take care of yourself.

rubylady - sorry about my comment in the other thread ( Age) I didn't realise that some people had to face such a change so early.
My friend's BIL was referred to a Memory Clinic it seems as a routine because of his age. I think he had to do various mental tests not sure if it was on paper or on computer.
It came out that he had a slight problem and was prescribed some pills.
He was very upset about this as he thought he was doing OK (he'd recently had bladder cancer and a big operation.)
His wife also thought he was OK mentally - he now refuses the pills and refuses to go back to the clinic.
But if your Dad has a real problem there doesn't seem to be anything to fear from the tests, and medication might help, to make him think better or delay deterioration.

TriciaF, I am really surprised that people are being routinely referred to your local memory clinic; appointments are like gold dust round here and the doctor will have already done a simple test before he refers anyone.

When Mum and I went the nurses did the first part - information gathering really - with both of us and then Mum stayed with that nurse to answer more questions. It was so sad when they asked mum some of the questions as she had no idea but they were very positive with her after the second bit whilst managing to convey to me how things had gone. While she was with the nurse I went with another one who asked me questions about Mums capacity to reason, aggression, understanding of her own needs, etc. We then went in to see the doctor who asked her a couple of questions which seemed to refer to the ones the nurse had dealt with. He then said she did appear to have memory problems and did she want to know what it is called (she asked me if she wanted to know, bless her). I think they are bringing in a change to this and must tell the patient what they have now. He then said he would prescribe some tablets and explained to me how he would try the lower dose and, if they suited Mum they would try the higher dose. This type of medication seems to just hold things at bay for a year to 18 months but slowing things down has helped. Once the dose was establish the prescribing was transferred back to Mum's GP and she goes back about every 6 months to the clinic, just to check how she is although this length of time is being stretched as they are short of money.

The clinic also offered us a short course but it needed to both of us and Mum wouldn't go. One of the biggest problems with dementia is you cannot see what is wrong! Mum still wonders how she got it and does not want the neighbours to know. They do, of course. They asked me if I felt she had problems and I just said we had it under control and I would appreciate it if they rang me if they felt anything was out of the ordinary. They are lovely people and keep an eye on her. They have known her for over 30 years so I told them without telling them and breaking her confidence if you know what I mean.

I know this is a lot of information but I am hoping that it helps a bit you (*rubylady*) has to go down the same route.

Thank you all for your comments. I will write again tomorrow as it's been a couple of hard days with him and I'm off to bed now with my doggie. Look after yourselves too, take care all. X

rubylady - Is your father drinking enough? My mother had vascular dementia which was very much worse when her liquid intake was too low.

He does need to see his GP - there are so many things that could be going on here, including TIAs as the problem comes and goes. Diagnosis first, then looking for treatment etc. Good luck with this.