Ailing mother in law/end of life decisions

Katek thank you for letting us know. Many of us have been 'keeping vigil' too from afar. Glad her last days were calm and peaceful. More and hugs.

Condolences Kate .

Katek

So sorry to hear you news, Katek. As you say, it's a merciful release but still awfully sad for you and your family.

Mother in law passed away late last night after a 5 day vigil. A merciful release.

There's no reason why they should not let her go home if everything is in place. She'll be much better off at home, as will all of you. As she is refusing medication, there is no point in them keeping her there.
Good luck, Katek.
My husband died at home, and it is much better than being in hospital.

Just to update you all...MIL is slipping further away each day. We're hoping to bring her home tomorrow if docs give ok for travel. Everything seems very calm now.

Well done that GD - what a relief for you all to know that MIL is now more comfortable and has the possibility of being at home at the end with the loving and professional care of a family member.

This sounds so similar to my mother's end of life, Katek. The panic and anxiety is very difficult for relatives to deal with and it's a huge relief when the right medication means you are caring for somebody who is calm and more lucid.

It will be a huge comfort for your MIL to know she is being nursed by your GD. A wonderful example of love and true compassion.

I'm also pleased to hear your news Katek, it must be a weight off your mind, it's so hard for those of us that don't deal with this day in and day out to know what is the best thing to do. The doctors have removed that worry from you now so you can concentrate on being there for your MiL when she, and the rest of the family, need you. As HildaW has said, this posting from you does sound much calmer, you sounded so stressed in your other postings (which is understandable).

That is such a lovely offer from your GD, what a kind, caring person she is - you must be very proud of her.

Katek, Am so pleased that there seems to be a plan that will help matters a lot. Wonderful that she just might be at home for a little while.
You sound calmer too, it must be such a drain on you all. All the best to you and you family.

Well, we've had the conversation. Docs insisted on having it with my oh before everyone else got here as MIL deteriorated very suddenly. She was very, very distressed but settled down a little when my husband sat with her. Upshot is that all treatment other than palliative medication has been removed. She's had morphine and is much calmer and more lucid. The panic has gone. Of course medics can't put time scale on things but hope that she will still be with us on Monday when she is going to be taken home if possible. GD is district charge nurse and has offered to nurse her at home until the end. A wonderfully generous and loving offer that has made her grandad weep even more. I have to admit I'm relieved in many ways that the decision has been made, it somehow 'feels' right/better. We will have to return north tonight (oh does not have his cardiac meds) but are on standby for rapid return.

Thinking of you and all your family in this sad situation.

As long as your MIL has mental capacity the decisions are all hers to make.

Katek....my heart goes out to you.

I agree. I hope your FIL can understand that it's his wife's choice, KateK and I know he'll have so much support from the family. Such a hard time for you all.

Good luck tomorrow, Katek. My husband refused to eat and drink towards the end of his life. It's actually very brave of them. She appears to be saying she has had enough. He was told by the GP that if he changed his mind all he had to do was ask, but he never did.
It's actually the only choice they can have towards the end of their lives. She has taken control.

My mother refused food and drink towards the end, Katek. I think it was partly because she had given up but partly because she was finding it painful to swallow.

Good luck with the case review tomorrow. Hopefully you will be able to have all your questions answered so you can all be in agreement over your MIL's end of life care.

We have been called to a case review tomorrow afternoon. MIL is refusing food, drink, dialysis and medication and hospital has asked my FIL to sign over her care to them. I don't know if this indicates that despite her mental acuity they feel she is psychologically unwell and no longer making appropriate decisions, as surely my FIL cannot sign over her care as long as she's in full possession of her faculties?? Am I making sense?? They are still prepared to treat her and GD (who is a district nurse) feels she is committing suicide whilst simultaneously saying she's not ready to die. I'm very confused. Part of the problem for us is also that we live 150 miles away and are having difficulty determining when it's appropriate to go down.

The Liverpool Care Pathway has been withdrawn due to misuse in some hospitals. It was a very good tool and while I was nursing in a dementia unit we often used it. While your MiL has mental capacity, she is the one who has to make the decision about a DNR. It is a very difficult decision for some people. Life is precious and very difficult to let go of. I feel very sorry for all your family at this difficult time.

Such a distressing situation for you Katek this is truly one of the great challenges of life. I am so grateful for your words Sherish. I was struggling today, even though my mother died on the Liverpool Pathway three years ago. But your words are so calming and reassuring I feel comforted with the decision I took that day. Thank you to all who post. You never know what good you may do. And to Katek, thinking of you.

Katek it is such a sad time for all- you just have to be there when the time comes. As somebody mentioned, your F in L will need a lot of support as he is not accepting the true situation.

Katek....I do sort of understand a little of the way your FIL is thinking. When my Mum was in a hospice and in her last few days, part of me could not accept that she was dying. It was almost an emotional blind spot.....of course deep down I knew she was not coming home, I just could not fully accept what was really happening.

His denial is probably a self preservation act and all you can do is listen to him, be with him and when the inevitable happens help him grieve and hopefully he will eventually accept that she has been through enough and is now at peace.

All the best.

What a painful situation for you, Katek. I know from my own recent experiences that whatever end of life plans have been put in place they sometimes go haywire. All the family can do is try to be there for her and support one another. Your FIL sounds like he's going to need a lot of support.

The end will come and it will be sad but it will also be a relief that her suffering has ended.

Thank you all so much for your wise and comforting words. Things have taken a downturn this evening...MIL has been moved to high dependency unit and doc has suggested that she stops even the partial dialysis she's been receiving. She won't hear of it and medics are still actively treating her. It's dreadful....she's now convinced that she's going to die this instant, and that there's no point in phoning the family as we wouldn't get there in time. This hasn't happened of course but her passing is indeed very imminent. Meanwhile FIL is still talking about getting her home at weekend and making plans. All we can do now is wait.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. x

My best wishes to you and your family Katek. Make sure you get the support you can from those involved with your MIL's care. It's a very difficult time for families as it's sometimes hard to know if you are making the right decisions.