chemo

You sound as if you are doing really well ethel - well done.

Ana, nobody gets on track with her. lol, they chucked the mould away when they made hers.
she bought my DD more pressies today, think shes making a point that I may have taken her shopping but Im still in the bad books. Shes at her volunteering tomorrow which she rules with an iron will, Margaret Thatcher may have been called the Iron Lady but my mother could outdo her any day. Its her will that keeps her going,something to do with living through the war years, Hitler would have run a mile if he'd invaded and met my mother and some of her contemporaries.

Glad you're back on track with your mother, ethel, sounds as though you had a lovely day and are feeling better!

Is there a BC support forum you could join just to swap experiences and treatment side-effects? It's only natural to feel lonely when no one else knows exactly what you're going through.

took mother shopping today so she is 'stocked up for the big storm' that she is convinced is coming. Took DD shopping today so I have had quite a good day.
Looking back I did not realise that I would be so lonely, I wish now I had had a relationship and not been so independent (no Im not trying to wind anyone up with the subjects of relationships). Just someone to talk to or to go out with but Ive made my bed .........
even a friend who is an atheist has promised to pray for me... that's got to be a good sign.
DGD said 'luv you granma' today xx

Families!!!!!

ethalbags your coping brilliantly. Family relationships are complex somtimes too complex. Beyond our understanding. My poor dad used to get on my nerves just sitting in the same room as me. He didn't even have to say or do anything.

Good for you Etheltb. Treat yourself like spun glass. It's a slog being nice to people when you are in this state but your mother is showing you how much she cares . I'd let her tidy your bin. I think that's really kind of her. Simple soap and bath stuff don't have any smell. Send her out to buy some. HopE your DD shared the chocs with you.

I agree with NfkDumpling. When my son was diagnosed with cancer he said I could ring MacMillan whenever I felt the need.

I did and their advice was to follow his lead i.e. if he wanted to talk, talk with him. if he wanted to be quiet follow his lead and don't ask questions. I did exactly what they said and it has worked well, although it is often difficult for me to keep quiet.

My son was very tired with the chemo and he is only 44 so as I guess that as you are older than that Ethel - it is normal, if miserable, to feel tired.

Best wishes Ethel

I agree with NfkDumpling. When my son was diagnosed with cancer he said I could ring MacMillan whenever I felt the need.

I did and their advice was to follow his lead i.e. if he wanted to talk, talk with him. if he wanted to be quiet follow his lead and don't ask questions. I did exactly what they said and it has worked well, although it is often difficult for me to keep quiet.

My son was very tired with the chemo and he is only 44 so as I guess that as you are older than that Ethel - it is normal, if miserable, to feel tired.

Best wishes Ethel

Re your mum. Could she be very afraid of loosing you and is having trouble knowing how to communicate this fear without upsetting you? It may be why she's telling her friends - in order that they will support her. The trouble is they're likely to be all gloom and doom. For her generation cancer means a death sentence. Perhaps you could use MacMillan to explain things to her? Reassure her that you're not about to pop your clogs and help her to support you rather than antagonise. And being professionals she'll believe them.

Yes, ethel - smells and tastes change a bit, depending on the "cocktail" of your chemo. It, like the rest of it, will pass. Glad you have been in touch with MacMillan - well done!

I am beginning to think[could be wrong] that your mum loves you very much.
I agree that she is not showing you, but in her way, I think that she does.

Is it normal to be affected by smells, like when pregnant, I cant stand the smell of handwash, antibac sprays etc and it makes me retch. Anyone had this happen

had big row, nothing unusual there and DD had talk with her with the result that she bought DD a box of chocs and said little to me. Oh well.

Im just feeling a bit (quite ) under the weather, I thought chemo would be a doddle, just keep on having a normal life just a bit of tiredness.

I have to admit that DH had an incurable cancer for 4 years before his mother died and I managed never to tell her. I knew that in her mind cancer would mean instant death and I couldn't stand the thought of her constant queries about his health, in a suitably sepulchral voice. I just mentioned that he had a problem with his bones, which she translated into something like her arthritis. When he had to retire early I said it was because he had fallen and damaged his shoulder. This was true as far as it went but I left out a lot of detail. DH wasn't bothered as he never saw her anyway - yes it was a fairly disfunctional relationship!

Basically we've told people about DH's illness on a need to know basis and not many people have needed to.

I'm wondering how she manages to fold everything! The mind boggles...

Sorry, I shouldn't lol but I am, thinking about your bin and her repacking everthing!

soutra is right, this is using up valuable energy, so try to just let it wash over the top of your head.

They are her friends, not yours, so you don't have to see them, although if they are nice people they will be concerned for you rather than nosy. I can understand you wanting to keep it to yourself.

Can your DD have a word with her granny and suggest she stops fussing but does do those things you would like her to do. She is anxious about you, which is natural.

Perhaps the hospital can give you a leaflet about lowered immune systems which you can shove under her nose give to her nicely with bits highlighted about what you shouldn't do and things to avoid..

Deep breath, big smile (swear to yourself if you want to)

I agree with Soutra that she has very little else in her life. Including bothering about your bin!
I dont think that she is going to change now.

Vent away.
For what it is worth, I think that she does understand about your immune system. She just would rather not have to.

she even has been known to remove the contents of my bin and fold it neatly so the binmen don't see a mess and I can get more in. I don't care about my b....y bin.

soontobe. I moved to be near her when DD was small as I intended to go to work and she could look after her for me, which she did very well. However it has meant that she regards us as her personal property and feels she can interfere at her will. She thinks her way is the only way and cant believe that I let my DD make her own mistakes and lead her own life, I try not to interfere.
she has helped me out financially often and it makes me feel that she can buy me. I just cant help wondering why she wont let me live my life as I want to. I sometimes wish I had never moved so close and just made a duty visit every week or so like many people do.
DD wished I had not told her about my illness but she would have wondered why I am off work.
When I am at work, I work flexi hours and often finish early maybe 4pm and if I do she is on the phone asking whats wrong am I ill etc, Up till now I am never ill so I think she is obsessed.

Has she accepted that you have cancer? [though I suppose she has if she is telling people]

Perhaps she doesnt want to accept this new information of looking after yourself and your immune system.

Out of interest, did she move near you, or did you move near her?

I too agree that she is probably worried sick.
[though I appreciate I dont know all of your back history, either on here, or in real life].

You are however entitled to some privacy.

And you are so entitled to look after your immune system.
I dont get why she is not being helpful about that.

Take a deep breath, take the phone off the hook if necessary, agree some times to meet so that you do not entirely neglect her, she is your mum after all, but then organise your own life - even if you have to be " creative". You will not have the energy for very much so how about giving her your ironing which will help her to feel useful. But otherwise you will have to ration your time with her, swallow some of your anger as it is using up valuable energy and remember that she is of another generation. Can you imagine how you would feel if it was DD? Try and then get on with number one.

sorry but I cant 'cut her some slack', If she chooses to be disrespectful then she will just have to put up with my anger. It is disrespectful to tell her friends, one of whom I cant stand, about my illness. The fussing I no doubt will have to endure.
If she was ill I would never tell anyone, she is capable of ringing her friends herself.
she is not respecting my choices of wanting to be independent and I would rather struggle than ask for help but at least I have a normal life.
The cancer has won if I have to be looked after by my mother.

I have begged her to listen to me when I tell her about my immune system being low and how I need ot do extra cleaning, hand washing etc and she just mocks. How do I handle that, she doesn't understand.

Ignore what you can she will be worried sick about you and fussing is her way of "caring". That said, your cancer has given her something to "impress" her friends with as she clearly has little else in her life. Try to be patient, laugh or shrug off what you can and conveniently " forget" the rest.