Good friends who won't diet

When you find one - please get one for me JR ;)

I think I need a zip for my mouth.

I've already done the 'Don't see food as a reward' bit. I made all sorts of suggestions, and their solution was a bottle of port.

It's tempting to start on how much a double-height coffin will cost, to accommodate their tummies. Instead of getting them to diet, I shall start planning their funerals. 'How to influence people, the JR way'.

The psychological element would have to be addressed, dieting alone would not work..

People will only change their behaviour if they see some benefit to themselves, and if they believe that they are capable of making the change.
To get any benefit from changing their diet they would probably need to exercise too.
From what you've said janer, none of those conditions seem to apply.
So I would say nothing and keep your friends.

Jane

They are a bit like surrogate parents, so yes, it is tough.

Anya I spend all my time walking around them in circles. I have to leave them on benches, go for a walk and come back for them. While they light up.

I keep on thinking, if it had only made one of them ill, then the other might have been more supportive about changing the diet. But he is a real piggy and she tried at first, but found that he was just eating double quantities and also having the odd fried breakfast, as he was a coach driver until last year. She gave up, but her heart was never in it anyway, she just relies on her medication to see her through - which it won't in the end.

Their son said he gave up trying to get them to eat more healthily years ago.

Maybe they're like me when I used to smoke; changing their lifestyle may make them have to face their problems, which they don't want to do. When I smoked I could ignore what it was doing to me but whenever I stopped I'd go into panic mode about what I'd done to myself.

No one loves her food more than I do but there is really no need for cauliflower cheese for two to have double cream and four eggs!

As long as they don't keep complaining to you about how ill they are or how much pain they're in, you'll just have to put up with the situation - I can understand your distress at seeing good friends in this situation.

Jane you don't have to let them cramp your style. If they want to eg 'take the little train' then tell them you'd enjoy the walk instead and suggest first one back saves a seat at the tearoom.

There is so much on TV about lifestyle and health that they can hardly be unaware of what they are doing to themselves , keep the friendship and just hope that they come to their senses

Yes, you are all right.

No, I wasn't sure I would be able to stick to the advice in that either!

I did buy her a cookery book, soon after they had both been in hospital. She didn't acknowledge it for months. I doubt if she could work herself up to open it. She freely acknowledges that Graham Kerr was her favourite chef. And we know what happened to his wife/taster!

I spent hours researching which one to buy, too, as I know how much they love their food. I know I must have looked really shocked though, when she said what they were eating tonight. She honestly thinks that just because they won't be having chips with it as well, that they are eating healthily.

It's so hard to keep biting my tongue, I have never been very good at it, and I would quite like it if they were no only around a bit longer, but able to go out for the day properly, which they aren't. They both love going around big gardens, but it's impossible. We end up having to take the little trains back to the tearooms...

"It's very hard to watch your friends killing themselves."

That was said from the heart Jane and you don't want to be told to 'mind your own business' quite so bluntly. But sadly what most of the poster here are saying is true; that no matter what you say you will be unlikely to change their lifestyle, and you might lose their friendship.

Perhaps the OP should read that book, "How to win friends and influence people". The how to influence people might be helpful. I haven't read it.

I'd say that they are responsible for their own health and if they can't be arsed to do something effective to improve their health when, apparently, they can, that I think they are daft but it's their choice. I would tell the children that the problem was far too complex for me to deal with and that I wasn't qualified to even try.

If I lived with a person who wouldn't be persuaded to do something about what I saw as a life choice with bad consequences, I'd forbid them from complaining to me about the problems their choice caused. However, I doubt if it's ever that simple.

Wise words- what would you do if their children begged you to try and make them see sense?

I would mind my own business. If their health professionals and vast tonnages of government information (much of it wrong in any case) about "healthy" eating haven't got through to them, if being ill because they are overweight hasn't got through to them, it's unlikely a friend will. Their lives, their choices. I wouldn't want friends to lecture me about my eating habits.

What could you possibly say to them that would make any difference? If, as you say, you nagged them and lost their friendship, they wouldn't change their habits. If you still want their friendship, keep your advice to yourself.

I don't think you can say anything unless it impinges on your life choices.
If, for instance, they are too ill to drive to hospital and expect you to take them then it becomes your business. Otherwise live and let live (or die) I guess. I must admit I get impatient listening to people complaining about their lives but then not doing what is (so obviously) needed to improve them.

We have two lovely friends who are like this - he has diabetes, she has serious joint pain. They both smoke.

They are in their 60s.

Nothing anyone can do - they are adults after all. Any comment I made would risk hurting them. They are fully aware of the risks to their health.

They are nice people. I would not dream of saying anything upsetting to them.

There's not much you can do. My late MIL was going the same way, until her heart said 'enough!'
This was despite my DH regularly remove unsuitable food and replacing it with healthy food. Brave man, but he could see how things would end up. When he had gone she bought more junk food and ordered take away fish and chips! x