S.U.M.O.

Radicalnan a good counsellor will never allow someone to be stuck in the same place. It is important to get the client to discuss the trauma whatever it is to allow them to get to grips with the situation, but it is vital that the counsellor assess when the client is ready to make moves forward and help them to develop a strategy for doing this. This is a crucial part of the counselling process.

I agree that the SUMO approach seems a bit brutal for young ones when it is likely that they don't have all the information they need to understand what is happening.

When DGS2 (aged 5 at the time) told his teacher that he was very sad because daddy had moved out and he didn't know why, she immediately contacted DD and alerted her to this. With the help of the school counsellor, DD explained things and helped him to come to terms with the situation. He seems to be pretty cheerful and balanced now. He sees his dad at least 3/4 times a week which helps, although his father can be very nasty about DD at times.

Thanks, baubles, have printed that out and am pretty sure I will find it helpful as I do get anxious about 'stuff' and my family is a complicated/blended one.

I'm sorry about your break up. Children are the toughest people imaginable. They get all sorts of knocks, throughout life. Most of them overcome it and move on. Unfortunately some don't. You can only do the best for your children, that you possibly can.

It's a true saying though isn't it, annsixty, 'This too, shall pass'?
It's what we have to deal with while we wait for it to pass.
However, just being able to talk things through with your daughter will help you both no end, and the fact that their dad is in contact with them by Skype as much as he is, is very important (to all of you).

Thank goodness people have started to omit the ridiculous 'D' in front of everything - I can understand now, so much better, what we are all on about!! Thank you!

Thankyou all for your comments and I am sharing your caution the more I read. It is too complex for the younger one. MyD lives 300 miles away but we speak most days so I will tell her of my concerns.

Well I would be put off by half of those and the strange metaphors involved. And I quite like a bit of Que sera, it sometimes helps when things get too much for you.
I think the thing your GCs need is the reassurance that their father still loves and cares for them (and Skypeing must help). That their mother will manage without his support and that they can come to any of you and tell you when they are feeling low. Your family will get through this.
A good analogy is a rollercoaster. There are times in life when you are really high up and then you suddenly drop down, feel your heart is torn out of you and you are really low. You do slowly go up again and sometimes there is a level bit. The climb up can be very slow sometimes but it does happen.
Extended family can be a great help with things, providing all sorts of support and care, simply by being there.

My mum should have had access to this book, fifty years after my dad left her and four young children with little or no money, she still thought he he might come back. If only she had moved on her life might have been a lot better, as it was her three daughters tried to make her happier for the rest of her life. So yes,move on, make a new life for yourself who knows if you try it could be wonderful. Please don't be unhappy, for your own sake and your children's. The best is yet to come. an old cliche but inspiring, stay strong.

never heard of this before. Just briefly researched it on iternet. Apparently these are the principles:

There are six S.U.M.O. principles that are designed to help you create and enjoy a brilliant life:

Change Your T–Shirt take responsibility for your own life and don′t be a victim.
Develop Fruity Thinking change your thinking and change your results.
Hippo Time is OK understand how setbacks affect you and how to recover from them.
Remember the Beachball increase your understanding and awareness of other people′s world.
Learn Latin change comes through action not intention.
Overcome the tendency to put things off.
Ditch Doris Day create your own future rather than leave it to chance. Forget the attitude que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.′

Not at all easy to translate into supportive action for the children. I suggest that Relate might be able help by atleast discussing in counselling how and which principles might be helpful in this situation etc.

All the best Emily

Counselling can prolong grief and be as traumatic as the actual events leading up to it. It is not something I see as particularly helpful although many claims are made for it and CBT and Mindfulness.

You can waste a lot of time going over things that can't be changed and to no good effect. It is good to talk, to people who are available to you when you need them not artificially available by appointment.

Getting over betrayal is the hardest probably because of the deliberate nature of the hurt you have suffered, in the end whatever recovery happens, happens in time and at a pace to suit the hurt.

I found literature as helpful as anything else for my own hurts and clients (former mental health worker) hurt and grief are part of the human condition after all.

I think it's a question of timing, there has to be a grieving time after something like this but after grief you have to move past loss otherwise bitterness creeps in and it can affect the rest of your life. We have all seen the destructive behaviour that can happen after divorce. I feel there is a time in most situations where for your own sake you just have to accept and move on.

School are being good and have counsellors who come in on a regular basis. But it was their GP who recommended this
book, he had come across it during some training so we shall see what happens. D intends reading it first.

Work situations, yes, but where deep feelings for a parent are involved SUMO doesn't sound like the best advice. As long as they can maintain a relationship with their father, even by Skype, that could help them work through their feelings, especially with help of others.

In fact, I doubt that your DC are the only ones going through this and often their peer group can be very helpful in this kind of situation. School could also have a counsellor, or recommend one, if they are having difficulty coming to terms with it.

I don't know...

I have read the blurb for the book and really like the sound of it for adults, but even teenagers need help understanding their feelings. Maybe their Mum should read it first and then encourage them to talk about the thoughts and feelings the book generates whilst they're reading it.

It sounds like good advice on life for adults, but I'm not sure when someone needs this kind of advice. Maybe sooner is better than later. I don't know.

PS Might buy it for myself!

They are 16 and 13 Wilma GS 16 very mature, GD not so much.

Doesn't it matter how old the children are?

annsixty unless there's a children's version of this book, then I don't agree it's suitable for this situation. For your daughter maybe, but children.

Pity, I had that on my bookshelves until recently and would have sent it happily. It's an inspiring book but meant for work situations, not really (in my opinion) the sort of book you'd recommend for the end of a relationship! Each to their own I suppose.

Shut up and move on is a pretty crude maxim. There is something valuable in talking to others about a problem; it may help to achieve the "move on." It is when this continues for an inordinate length of time that it is counter-productive.

Love the alarm clock one, baubles!

The author Paul McGee - aka the Sumo Guy - spoke at a work seminar I attended a few years ago. He was terrific, a fabulous motivational speaker, I bored everyone for months afterwards with quotes from his book and had This pinned to my office cork board for ages.

There's probably nothing new about his viewpoint but he was extremely effective at putting it across.

I once worked for someone who said ROI (rise above it) everytime you said anything about anything- irritating woman!

Does S.U.M.O. involve brushing things under the carpet?

Or alternatively........

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b070dksr

I should imagine that the C are grieving, and I think that that takes time to process.

Annsixty so sorry to hear this.

There is a certain truth in this quote by Tupac Shakur, if you can do it.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f**k on.”