Worry for bereaved mother in law

maryrose sorry for your loss.

Your MIL has lost her beloved husband and that is a route she has never travelled before. She is in mourning and it will certainly take her more than a month or two to even start to look at how to live her life without him at her side.
She will never actually get over her loss but will hopefully find a way to live with it. All you need to do is love her, be gentle with her and give her time to do things in her own time when she feels like it. It is a bit early to be worried yet!

I lost my dh when he was 67 and I was 65. That was awful enough but to lose your soul mate at 85 must be so very difficult. I was young enough to manage to pull myself together and try to get on with life but at 85 that's not so easy.

Just carry on visiting as much as you can and let mum grieve. It is very early days and her children are grieving as well for their dad.

Giving up is as much a choice as going on - and at this very early stage it's hard to know which way your mother in law will go. Some things just can't be hurried and some can't ever be fixed and your mother in law will choose what's right for her, but I'm sure she will know and appreciate the love and concern of her family. My condolences to you, the prospect of losing my parents in law is one I dread.

Grief is a process which can't be hurried and every individual copes differently depending on many factors. I can quite understand that MIL feels there is no point in anything.

Sorry to hear about your in-laws.
My father died on Valentine's day ten years ago. He was 87. My mother had always said she hoped he would die before her because he would not be able to cope on his own.
She died three months after him. She wanted to. She was in a home for the first time in her life. She was 83.

My husband died when he was 65. I felt like staying in bed for days for a long time after that.
She's just being normal.

Thank you all for your thoughts, especially the last one. It's good to hear different points of view. Will keep fingers crossed that MIL gradually starts to work through her grief with support.

maryrose you may find this link to be helpful:
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/bereavement-support/supporting-bereaved-people/for-friends-and-family-bereavement-support
Care for the Family is only a very small charity, but really punches above its weight and I can heartily recommend them as a 'go to' resource following bereavement. Our family had wonderful support from them when our daughter was widowed just after her first baby was born.

when my mother died in 2007 my father was already in a care home as he'd been diagnosed with alzheimer's disease. mum was 86 when she died and they'd been married for 64 years.

as dad was in the early stages of alzheimer's he didn't really understand that mum had gone - he kept saying to me "my wife died you know" as he was also starting to forget who his family were.

fortunately for him, he died in 2006 just 1 year and 1 month after mum. he was 87. at the end he didn't know anyone at all which was very sad but at least he didn't grieve as most other survivors of a partnership do.

maryrose i'm sorry for your loss - please accept my condolences. your mother in law will be more able to cope in time. if she was married for a long time and lost her partner suddenly, it's a hard thing to come to terms with. grief, as other people have said, takes many forms and doesn't form a "set path". your husband is also grieving and, as he's lost his dad, he's worried about his mum. i'm sure they'll both come through this as stronger people.

To live together and make it to 85 and 90 is pretty amazing. Perhaps at 85 your mum in law wants to give up and who would blame her? They have lived a long, and hopefully, happy life together. What does the future hold for her?

My father and my brother died when they were 60, so when I see that people who lived to great old age have died, I think that they have done well and had a very good innings. What's to be sad about?

Am I cold hearted in feeling this way?

Hello Maryrose. Try not to be too anxious about your mother-in-law's state of mind.
We were married 54 years, and MDH died just two months ago.
It is midday, and I'm typing this in bed. I find that I can only face life in small doses; so having made myself a mug of tea, and some porridge, I have retreated to my nice warm bed with my Kindle for company.
When one has experienced a very long and happy marriage, the shock of coping with the loss of your life-long constant companion is devastating; and although I make a huge effort to appear to be coping, I need to withdraw from life and especially people, from time to time.
In bed, which we happily shared until he died, I feel
safe, and closer to my dear man.
I realise that I must rejoin the real world, and I even went to the theatre last night, with a trip to the ballet organised for next month.
Yet,I still need the solace of solitude, where I don't have to put a, " brave face on it" and can indulge myself in a good cry when I need to.
So, let her mourn her loss, but keep on giving her as much love and concern as you can manage.
She's had such a huge blow, which'll take a long time to heal.
Hugs,

No PPP I don't think you are. If you lose someone early, then it changes your perspectives.

Grieving can be a very physical as well as a very emotional thing. Very different to losing a partner, but when my daughter died I felt physically worn out for the first few months. It is very stressful just to 'manage' normal things at first - I described it as feeling like someone was stomping on my chest.

Leonora I am so sorry to read of the loss of your DH. I really understand that need for solitude at times. I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself and take things at your own pace - it is still very early.

maryrose as others have said, your MIL may simply need time to re-emerge at her own pace - she will never be as she was before - how could she be - but hopefully she will find comfort in knowing she has loving and understanding support.

Your post touched me Leonora...I'm. sorry to read of your loss ..I've recently had a bereavement and I found your message quite comforting on ways to cope, small steps..take care

PPP I agree with you that to live to a great age is a bonus. Because of improved living conditions, better healthcare, the whole package, many of us are living longer now. I've now outlived all of my female forebears in a direct line going back to the early 19th century. My mother did not live long after she started claiming her retirement pension, although my great-grandfather lived to be 90, and that was rare in the 1930s.

Every day is a bonus and we do our best to make the most of the time we have left. What is so difficult to deal with is not the inevitability of mortality but the fact that at some stage we'll be separated.

That is really going to be the hardest thing, not age, not mortality, but the separation.

I think this may be what the OP's MIL is finding now.

It has been good to read these messages. I lost my partner of 30 years just before Xmas. I miss him terribly, but he suffered so badly during his last few days that I am glad he is now at peace. I have found it hard getting up in the morning, and to know others go through the same is comforting up to a point. I am sure that, in time, I will be more in control, but I do not feel up to going out - I just want to be alone in the home we have shared for so long. So, to know this is normal I am grateful.

Very normal granjet. I am so sorry to read of your loss. I think many people find the first few months following the funeral very difficult as the ramifications of loss become more and more evident and the pain can be very acute. Please be reassured that these very difficult days do give way to more manageable ones over time. It is not that 'time heals', but we gradually learn to manage better and to lay hold of life again ourselves.
xx

Thank you Imperfect27