Alcoholic Husband

I am sorry you are facing challenges. As franjess2000 writes, I would recommend that you discuss yr concerns with GP. A sister of my close friend is a psychologist, whose husband is a heavy drunker. So, the issue isn't easy one.

I went through this in my first marriage. He was hardly ever sober and quite violent. I had two young sons to think of and ended up in a womens refuge. I had put up with him for seven years then I divorced him and moved on.Was the best thing I ever did,he could not be bothered to see his children and when he died at just sixty they did not shed a tear.By then I had remarried to a wonderful man who was a great dad to them. Sadly he passed away aged 59 as had health probs ,but we had a happy marriage. Take my advice and run. xxx

Good post,dbDVB77 - I had the same experience with my ex-husband.

I too was married to an alcoholic - nasty when drunk - I divorced him 25 years ago - best thing I ever did - I was a single parent & it was tough financially but well worth the struggle. I went to AlAnon and found them very supportive - we even had laughs - I remember one time we were comparing the places we'd found empty bottles and we all dissolved into tears of laughter at the absurdity of it all. There were serious issues too - how our own behaviour could facilitate the alcoholic - covering up for them & trying to control their drinking & accepting the blame for their actions - as NanTheWiser said - the 3 Cs - you can't cause, control or cure it. Think to your future & look after yourself - his alcoholism is not your fault. I really hope things work out for you.

My first husband was an alcoholic (going back 35 years now), and lost his job, became almost bankrupt, and in spite of attending alcohol clinics and counselling, refused to stop. At one time, he was sectioned, due to very abnormal behaviour (hallucinating). I had a 4 year old child at the time, and it was a truly awful time. Finally, he disappeared one weekend (not for the first time), and I vowed never to let him home again, and was called a dreadful wife by his family, who had no idea what I was going through. After he left, I found empty bottles everywhere! Hidden in the house and in the garage. Does your husband drive? If so, he is a danger to himself and others on the road.

You must take care of your own needs, you will never be able to reason with him - remember the three C's:

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

You could contact Al-Anon, which is for the families affected by alcohol abuse:www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Apart from liver damage, alcohol also destroys the nervous system, leading to peripheral neuropathy (numbness in hands and feet) and brain damage, which may be why he is exhibiting dementia-type symptoms.

My husband ended up living the life of a vagrant - after wrecking his mother's house where he had been staying, was in trouble with the police, and eventually ended up in a sheltered housing complex, where his drinking seemed to be more under control, He eventually died at the age of 55 from oesophageal cancer, caused by drinking.

I am so sorry you're going through this, it is an awful way to live, and I do wish you the best, and a more peaceful life.

I agree with the others you should take care of yourself, the longer he goes on denying it the lower he sinks and will drag you down too. Your health will suffer and you will withdraw from social occasions because of the embarrassment factor.
Same as Izabella I divorced my husband after 20 yrs of his denial, sadly he died from his 'disease' 3 yrs ago happily I was able to make a new happy life for me and my children without him.

I divorced my first husband because of this. As other posters say, look after your self. Reassess your financial security, move on if you have to. You are not responsible for the situation. ?

Redjune, This is absolutely awful for you . I have experience of a X husband who drank to excess , was nasty when drunk like yours is, all this resulted in me developing social phobia and the last year we were together I lost so much weight , I looked like a skeleton with skin . What I am saying is that this is affecting you more than you realise and will destroy your health and confidence . It is his choice to drink and not seek help , he is probably well aware that he has a problem but just doesn`t want to do anything about it . You, on the other hand , should look after yourself , go to the GP about yourself not him . Join famanon for support and consider your future . Give him an ultimatum , seek help or be alone xxx

Your husbands GP has a duty to listen to your concerns. I would also get in touch with someone like Adfam or Al-Anon who do family support for alcoholics.

It is possible for alcohol to lead to dementia. I would also speak to your children and friends to make sure you are getting some support too.

We are both 62 and retired. He hasn't worked for many years though, he gave up teaching about 12 years ago mainly because he was about to be fired for having so much time off. At the time he was depressed, but I now know it was because of his drinking.
He is in complete denial about it though, and he does have days when he doesn't drink and is absolutely fine and normal, but then it's back on it again.
It can be so embarrassing though. A while ago his daughter came for tea and he spent ages making it, but by the time she got here he was so drunk he was slurring his words and nearly falling asleep over his food.
I will have to try and see our GP but it's hard to get an appointment for yourself these days never mind to talk about someone else.
Thanks for all the replies I do appreciate them.

There is a range of conditions affecting the brain caused by excess alcohol and it is possible your husband is suffering from one of these. Could you ask your GP for advice even if he won't go himself? I've had excess drinking and liver disease in my family and it's very difficult when what seems to be someone enjoying a bit more to drink than others do turns into something affecting behaviour and health.

I ache for you,I have a daughter who is an alcholic, you must find support for yourself, your G.P. Al anon will give you the telephone number of your nearest support group .

The big problem is unless the alcholic accepts they are an alcoholic you cannot help them, you must take care of yourself, this is not selfish , it's keeping hold of your sanity

So so very hard for you, I am sorry.

I would go and see the GP myself and ask him/her for support and what to do. There is so much denial about alcoholism, especially with 'highly functioning' alcoholism - is he retired?

AGain, I am so sorry and hope you can support soon. It's massivley hard to help someone in denial.