Elderly parents

My mother in law has vascular dementia and went into a home a year ago so I know a bit about the process. I think a lot will depend on whether it's just your mother or both parents who need residential care - assuming they can't be cared for at home.

My mother in law had a lot of fairly in depth assessments by dementia the care team. It was decided that my father in law couldn't cope with her at home and so she went in. She was self funded and then the care allowance came in. The allowance doesn't cover the cost of her care, nowhere near it but because my father in law is still in the family home it won't have to be sold.

I guess your main problem will be getting your father to allow any help. Can you speak directly to their GP?

I would start keeping a diary of any thing you notice where your mother's needs are not met because your father is unable or will not meet them. It can be anything from erratic help in getting up in the morning, to meals not being on time, unsympathetic reactions to any problems she has. Note every single verbal outburst, whether to you or your mother, and is contents and any threatening language used.

Note everything, no matter how small, then when you think the list is long enough go back to the GP or to Social Services and use the list as evidence help is needed. It may help the GP to tellhim you are compiling the diary.

The contents of the diary can be used to show that your father is incapable of looking after your mother and if it can be shown she is suffering through inadequate care or threats of violence action can be taken to take your mother into care with or without your father's consent and he can also be 'sectioned', that is, compulsoraly admitted into a hospital for a mental assessment.

It is very hard watching your parents crumble and fall to pieces in old age. I know from experience. Do you have any siblings to share the responsibility with? Just take a day at a time. The situation changes so much that you can't do anything else. If your parents find it harder to cope they may agree to help. Thinking of you.x

Thanks for the replies. The mental health assessment did not go ahead because father refused. The doctor cannot insist unless there is evidence of danger to him or my mother. Father will not counternance any help so sheltered housing, a home help, or any other form of assistance is out. I guess I just take it day by day.

could you look at very sheltered housing for them? Where theres a warden on site and all meals are provided .There are a couple of them in my town and two of my old neighbours now live in one...and love it .Its not a care home and they will have their own small flat so they might find it an acceptable alternative to their own home

Usually the first step is that social services willbe called in to make an assessment of their needs based on the doctor's report.

What happens then depends on how well off they are. If they own their own home and/or have substantial savings (£23,000 plus), then they can go into a care home of their/your choice and be looked after there. If their assets are under £23,000 then any care will be funded by Social Services, who, because they are financially very stretched will look for the cheapest option, initially, involving keeping them at home with a care package. Failing that they make take one or both into care.

If your parents have assets to pay for their own care your problems, and there will be problems, will be over releasing money from the house and choosing a suitable care home and monitoring the care. If they are dependent on Social Services for funding, prepare to have to fight for every little thing they get, argue long and hard about what care they need and social services will use emotional blackmail on you to try to get you to contribute to the cost of your parent's care.