Am i going mad.

etheltbags1 My heartfelt commiserations! My mother became thus, but unlike you I did not live near enough to get called round all the time. However, I had to stay with her instead, for "holidays" to visit.

My mother had dementia, Alzheimer's type. She was just as you are describing your mother before she became obviously impaired by memory problems. I am not saying your mum has the same. Please go to your Doctor and ask for help. Ask what help you can get for your mother. You can't run yourself into the ground like this.

It is terrifying to think we might become difficult when we are elderly. But there's not much we can do about it if it's due to an illness. I will say, my mother was still herself when she was difficult with Alzheimer's; she was a difficult person all the time I knew her, before she had it.

I really do want you to get some help. One person on her own can't look after another elderly person when they are like this. Perhaps the hospital will give you some advice. There might be leaflets about where to go for help. Also I phoned my mother's Doctor, but I knew what was the matter by then and I had the advantage of being a Neuropsychologist, so recognised the brain symptoms.

If your mother has changed in personality, behaviour, ways, then a check-up is in order. She might have some early signs and this might be why she is so difficult.

Get help please. If you don't know what to say, read your letter above to your doctor - and your mum's doctor!

Hoping you find some lovely people to help you, and that with some of the strain lifted your relationship with your mum might become easier. Lots of love, L

You will have to put yourself first Ethel. Step back. Reassess your situation and help when you feel that you can, not when you feels she needs it.
If you burn out that is you and her both in need of care.
Don't feel guilty either. Be proud of what you have done.

VIOLLETTE. It is time to leave the hateful so and so to his own devices.
Make changes so that you get at least some happiness and again don't let guilty feelings enter the equation.
The only person that would think you should feel guilty is that thing you live with.

I agree with what everyone says. You need to define some boundaries to protect your own sanity and keep your contact with her as brief ( but regular) as possible. If she doesn't like her cup of tea or meal just say that it's the only one you're prepared to make and walk away out of the room i.e. remove the audience (you). She'll either eat it or not, her choice, but eventually she will realise she can't be so controlling if you stay firm and keep repeating this behaviour. If you have been changing things to suit her every time she complains then you have been guilty of perpetuating the behaviour, I'm afraid.

Only engage with her when she says something nice and when she's being more sociable then give her your full attention and tell her how much you care about her but refuse to take her shopping because you are embarrassed by her swearing. Get as many voluntary services in as you can so you have more time off. Does she have any friends or relatives who could visit occasionally. Can her doctor visit her at home and do an assessment and tell her she can't do heavy gardening any more but suggest a gardener could make some high troughs so she doesn't have to bend and she could potter around them.

How are her finances? She could get hot meals delivered.

I'm 74 and certain swear words I can not stand but I do know occasionally in later life people who have never used foul language before can start using it, I do hope I never do but with age can come change and some which you do not expect.

I am very sorry that you are having such a hard time taking care of your mum. It sounds like it is just too much for one person. I wonder if there is an AgeUK support group near you who might be able to help you find out ways to get the mental, physical and emotional support you need. AgeUK 0800 0556112

Hi Ethel, I was thinking the same as some of the others - do you think your mum could be in the early stages of dementia or alzheimers? We think this is the case with my MIL who also sometimes behaves inappropriately and takes up a lot of my time, so you have my sympathies. Could you contact the Alzheimer's Society or Age Concern and explain your predicament? They might be able to advise you? I understand about the hearing - my MIL became allergic to her new hearing aids and is refusing to let me make an appointment for her to get them sorted. I also have to monitor her tablets, which I find terrifying as sometimes she doesn't take them. I think old people go back to their childhoods when they get older - my MIL does and it sounds like your mum does too - her mother sounds like a nightmare, what a horrible thing for you to have gone through. You need looking after, so please ask for help and if she makes a fuss then you need to tell her that if she wants to stay in her home/keep her parrot/keep doing her garden then she must wear the trousers and accept outside help. If you chat to her GP they might not be able to discuss her with you, but they can listen to your concerns and contact her to come in - you could perhaps write them a letter?

Situations like these rarely happened years ago, I think, when most people were lucky to live into their seventies. I am 78, and am lucky enough to be fit and active. I dread the thought of becoming unable to look after myself.
I sometimes think how good it would be if we could decide when we have had enough of life. We could set a date, spend all our money on a grand farewell party, then pop off and leave everyone in peace, with happy memories.
I cared for my mother at a time when my five children were all young. We had no car. She lived 20 miles away - two bus journeys. She wouldn’t have a phone put in, though we offered to pay for it. She also wouldn’t put up with the upheaval of having an inside toilet installed, even though her landlord had offered to do it.
She always said that she didn’t want to be a bother to anyone, and we knew that she would never ask for help. As a result, being unable to phone to check if she was ok, I was in a constant state of worry.
Eventually she had to go into a nursing home, as her health deteriorated and she became incontinent. I never got over feeling guilty, though, even after going above and beyond what I really was capable of doing for her.
I sincerely hope that I will one day just suddenly leave this world, causing as little trouble to my family as possible.

I'm another one who has an old cantankerous mother, mine is 95 and lives alone and it's really hard to get anything right with her.
If I don't phone her every day before midday then 'I obviously don't care about how she is', she expects to be ferried around everywhere, is quite capable of doing a lot of things for herself but refuses to. I think I could write a book about how awful she can be.
I actually think a lot of the time it's like all their negative traits just become very exaggerated. I don't think for one moment that my mum has dementia, she's just very self obsessed and thinks it's her 'right' as a mother to be looked after by her family.

Update just spoke to my daughter by phone, as I do most days, and told her that the powers to be have said she can no longer managerher financial affairs and that I would be taking over and giving her a very generous amount each week for spending. So she has now banned me from seeing her and blocked my calls! But that’s ok by me.

Lots of sympathy. I have been there. I learnt that my mother was highly independent, determined and stubborn and when I wasnt being annoyed by her, I had respect for her spirit. Personally I dont think you can change her. I never managed to change my mum. Told her over and over to take her alarm and mobile into the garden. I dont think she did it even once. She would hang her gardening tools onto the zimmer frame and drag bags of compost about with an old skateboard and a string tied round her waist. This was after she had broken her hip in the garden and could barely walk. In the end I had to mentally disengage and recognise she was still a person in her own right. She hadnt been diagnosed with dementia and therefore she was compos mentis. I didnt like what she was doing, but it wasnt up to me to approve or disapprove. At least then I wasnt worried sick all the time and feeling guilty. Eventually Mum did actually take on some help, just much later on than I thought was appropriate, but clearly she knew when things were impossible. She had a gardener once a week, a cleaner two days a week, a home hairdresser once a week (who was amazing) and a chiropodist or physio once a fortnight. Family did the weekends. If I had done the arranging she would have refused it all!

Hello there...continuing what other people have said, it sounds to me that your mother is in the early stages of dementia. It would be wise to get her checked out by her GP. My mother was diagnosed with this and given medication to slow down the progress of the illness. In any case it may be wise to get mum checked out for any underlying problems.
My mother was unusually aggressive and often swore at me, something she would not have dreamed of doing previously.
Perhaps it would also be an advantage to you if you could arrange for meals on wheels or similar to take some of the load off you too.
It really is an awful situation being a carer, but first and foremost you must take care of yourself, more so since being post-cancer treatment, stress is the last thing you need at the moment.
I wish you good luck, and hope things will improve with help soon.

Difficult one ...I feel so sorry for you, I know what its like ! I was fortunate in that both my mother (died aged 64) and my father (died aged 81) were lovely people ....my mother died of cancer, but refused hospital until the last days ...my dad was wonderful ...kind, always laughing, always loved being with my daughter and I (except he refused to come and live with us, as my daughter, who was two at the time ' talks too much' ....but he would let me pick him up to stay with us when I was on holiday from work, and at weekends ....my only complaint was that he refused to use his oxygen machine 24.7 because 'I can't hear the tv'......such a lovely man ! On the other hand, my OH who is now 85 (15 years older than me) is SOOOO hard to look after. He was always active around the house, garden, etc and now has Parkinson's with lewy body dementia and he is IMPOSSIBLE to live with ...abuses, swears, throws things refuses his medication, throws his meals in the bin, only drinks beer ..............takes no notice of the doctor or specialist, does not exercise, will not use his rollator .........every day he is demanding and difficult ....for instance today I took him to the DIY shop (he loves that ! and for a drink afterwards ............we get home, he says Can you go the chemist I have run out of Gaviscon'.......................where we live, the chemist is 10km ..............can you wait until tomorrow I said ...No I haven't got any ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,he tries to command every hour of every day and since there is only me, I can never have time off ..............I checked his gaviscon tablets .......there were actually SEVEN left ...............but sadly not before I had as usual, done what he wanted drove to the chemist and bought more ...................I try to tell myself it is his illness, as the doc says, It is his brain ....but he was always difficult ! When we married (he was68) his mother asked me if I REALLY knew him ...as did his daughter (who told me after his late wife was about to leave, but sadly died of a stroke the weekend before she was able to !) and his sister ...so I cant say I wasn't warned ! I have had cancer three times, (with no support from him .....he never came to any appts with me, whereas I went to every appt with him ...in fact, the specialist, when he told me it had spread a third time, said 'Is your husband with you'................I had to laugh ! I broke my femur, and was home with a rollator, pushing a broom with one hand, and the nurse came in and immediately ordered a femme de menage (cleaner) she was horrified that I had no help (he was not ill then !)...................doctor says he must go into a care home .......he refuses even for respite.......................I also have a heart complaint and I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this .......I have inherited a house in the UK and am SORELY sorely tempted to go and live in it ......................but I would feel guilty !!!! To my friends he is a lovely sweet man ..........UNTIL one came the other day and he was just pushing a metal ladder into my face as I was trying to stop him using it (no balance, poor eyesight, shaking hands and constantly falling ....just trying to keep him safe !) He refuses to stop using electrical equipment which he has been told not to do, and falls over almost every day ...doc said if he has a fall the requires hospitalisation he will NOT come home again ....................

It is hard when it is our parents who are difficult ...his mum was the same and it was only his sister that they all left to help her ...she was demanding and difficult ....my husband only visited once in the time I knew him, before she died .....his sister was left with all the problems, although she did manage to get her into a day centre once a week ...the old lady didn't want to go but social services said when she was there she was a changed woman ...pleasant, smiling ...I think it is only US the carers to whom they are nasty and vicious .......PLEASE for your sanity and health, DO go and ask someone ..Age concern, your/her doctor, see if you can get a Care assessment done ....... as I wonder for myself , if I drop dead, or am so ill I cannot look after him, what happens then ????...put it to your mother that if you are under constant stress so much so you can no longer care, then it will NOT be her choice to have carers or help as you will no longer be available night and day to do it ....you HAVE to sometimes be 'cruel' to be kind. It might bring her to realise ...................as has already been said see if you can get an appt for her to see a neurologist sounds as if she may have some form of dementia as it alters a persons thinking etc ...have a look on Alzheimer UK forum ...they don't only deal with Alzheimer, but all forms of dementia ...such good luck to you !

I am sorry you going through this. What stuck out for me was a last sentence in one of your post which said "if I could only get her to change and I could make some changes"

That sentence is the very crux of your problem. Consider how hard it is to change yourself and then you will see and get you can't change other people. I am afraid we have to change to meet conditions.

That does not mean we meekly accept what the other person is doing. We change what we do. Many suggestions on here such as getting a social worker involved, getting support for yourself through carers groups and much more. Good luck

I think it’s very difficult but it sounds as though you MUST distance yourself, emotionally and physically for a part of each week or month ... if you are ill because of all the stress, you wouldn’t be able to do much at all for her or anyone!

When my lovely mother was dying of cancer, and in a very good nursing home, I drove to see her everyday, a round trip of 90 miles. I then got pneumonia and couldn’t do anything at all for nearly three weeks. I would have done much better to see her two or three times a week and telephoned on other days. But .... hindsight gives us all 20/20 vision!

You have had some tremendous advice, ides from past experiences from other gransnetters and positive thoughts from others on here. I hope you feel better soon and that your mother gets and accepts help from other people. ?

MY mum’s 100 and acts the same although with less ebullience now. She is confident enough to refuse to go into a care home and yet she cannot live without constant support from family on top of max from carers. Its constant, every day. But it’s impossible now to step back. My advice is to allow her her ‘independence’ from you. Set up help if needed and just ‘pop-in’ sometimes. It’s guilt-ridden and hard but she’ll survive. Oh, and watch for her tugging your heartstrings. You have one life.

I have the same sort of problem with my daughter but luckily she lives 52 miles away and has good care support. She is rude to them, rude to me and never says thank you. But I am not on her doorstep thankfully. I think you need to get a care package for her and also step back from being there to do everything for her. If she falls call an ambulance, even if she isn’t bleeding. This will help get her in the system. Also plan holidays and time away as you need to think of yourself and your health. Do you need to check on her everyday as this leads to her dependancy on you. What would she do if you didn’t know about needing soft bread and you getting her some? In other words step back a bit.

Monica
I agree not all of us get nasty when we are old However I can never imagine my mother throughout all of my life ever being different from her usual critical, never satisfied with what ever I did for her, self. One moment I was a good daughter next moment she made me feel worthless. She constantly praised her friends and their children and one of them treated me with contempt which I always believed was due to the way my mother portrayed me. She took great pleasure informing me what others peoples children did for their mother.

Ethel having worked in Nursing homes for a!most 30 years. I suspect your mum is suffering from the signs of Alzheimer's disease. The elderly can be unaware of their limitations. Has she by any chance had TIAs. Please speak to your GP and ask for an assessment by the care team. It is very difficult for you to cope alone. Maybe now is the time to ask for help, before you run yourself into the ground.

If your mothers temperament has only changed in her later years it may very well be a sign of the onset of dementia. Has she been assessed by anyone? There are support groups out there that help family members going through this sort of thing.

Ethel,
Look after yourself. Sending hugs.

You’re a lovely daughter. It’s been a hard emotional journey for you and your mum.
It sounds as though when you are voicing your concerns about her safety, your mum just hears you telling her not to do things.
She’s not all that old by the sound of it and quite capable. Maybe you could frame your words differently. Instead of “don’t do gardening” set out the choices calmly: “mum, when you take risks in the garden, I feel up until now you’ve taken it for granted I’m going to rush round and rush you to the hospital. I can’t always do that. I have work and I am entitled to my time off like anyone else. It’s completely up to you if you do gardening but you’re an independent woman, you need to be sensible and aware of your own strengths these days.”
As for swearing in ASDA - if she’s always done it, don’t be mortified. She’s not your child.
If she has not always done it talk to your GP as loss of inhibition is a symptom of early dementia.

I think a less contact would help - not withdraw completely - but to help make time for yourself.

The writing was on the wall when my mother's health started to fail and, having already been through it once with my late mil, I cannnot go through the same again.

I decided some years ago that I came first; I do what I want to do, when I can do it and if I can do it. I started saying no, and now expectations of me have been drastically lowered. I am no longer the 'first port of call' - I think I've done enough over 20 years and now my siblings do more to help.

I don't mind helping, but there are limits which I have set for my own well being.

I hope you find your balance in life.

Oh dear, ethel, I know you have been having problems with your DM for some time now.

I think you have reached the stage where your mother needs some help whether she agrees or not.
When she had her last fall I made meals but they were never right,whatever I bought was not right. She calls me to everybody.
What starbird has said about hearing advice from someone outside the family going down better is a good idea. Perhaps suggesting that a gardener can 'help her' in the garden rather than doing it for her and someone to 'help her' clean the house etc - if she can afford this, of course. You could suggest that it would give her 'more time for her voluntary work' or something similar.

You have your own health to consider too and I watched my friend run herself ragged trying to care for her mother who always seemed to be very demanding and ungrateful, although she did accept some outside help with cleaning and laundry.

I did care for my own DM too, as well as having children at home, she liked things in a routine but was always pleasant. Even so, I sometimes felt as if I was spinning in ever-decreasing circles.

I think, as well as contacting Carers UK as another poster suggested, you need to think through a strategy so that you perhaps go on certain days a week but also find some time for yourself. It's good that you managed to go on a cruise and it just shows that she can manage without you when she has to.

Best wishes and you can let off steam on here

It's good that you have this forum to vent to other people who can understand the situation. I guess, like others have said, it could be early dementia, or she might just be a difficult and demanding old lady. But it is what it is and you're almost certainly going to be unable to change her, so there's no point getting angry with her. I agree with others also, that you are not obliged to serve her demands more than you personally feel able to cope with, and if she doesn't want a gardener, well then let her garden get overgrown. Tell her GP and Age Concern about her apparent needs and frailties and let The System share responsibility.

I was reading today in the paper about a scheme whereby a person who keeps falling at home is visited at home and given help and advice to make their surroundings safer. It has been a trial project that is to become rolled out in due course. Hearing advice from a non family member often goes down better.

If you are still working I don’t see how you can cope - physically and mentally with looking after your mother who is only going to need more help as time goes by. I think you may need to consider a care plan for her and decide whether to become her registered carer and give up work, or continue working and find a carer. It will not be easy as your mum is probably fighting the loss of her independence and is not ready to accept that this is the beginning of the end. For now she can hide behind it being just a daughter lending a hand.
Perhaps also consider if she really does need as much help as you give or do you do it out of guilt? Was she working when she looked after her mother? Is it worth having an honest chat with her about how you feel about the future prospect of dealing with her personal needs. I’m sorry this is such a difficult situation for you, there is no easy answer.