Am i going mad.

Do take on board what BlueBelle has to say she talks a lot of sense. I didn’t have it quite so hard when my mum got old and cantankerous, but it was pretty bad. The problem is after she died I realised how much more I could (should?) have done for her. I still feel guilty about the time she dropped a sugar bowl full of sugar, and I told her I was busy but would sort it out the following day. Well by the time I got there she had picked most of it up on the bottom of her slippers and walked it throughout her flat. It infuriated me at the time but what was she supposed to do – she could only walk with the aid of two sticks and couldn't even bend to put on socks so there was no way she could pick it up. Get the help you need and then you might begin to enjoy her company again.

I am one of 7, 4 girls, 3 boys, and a single mother. Back in 1990 I began caring for my father, (separated from my mother). At first it was weekend visits with my daughter, then aged 10.
Over the next year these visits increased to 3 then 5 days a week. None of my family wanted to know!.
In February 1991 I had to put him into hospitaL, aged 83, since he was so frail and weak. He died 3 days later.
His partner of 25 years refused to leave their home but would stay alone so my very good friend stayed with her overnight. Her own family refused to help! That weekend was horrendous as I faced my family, arranged for Nan to go into temporary care, tried to comfort my daughter, and grieve for my father.
I then got accused by Nans family of taking things from their bungalow and that was the final straw. I gave them the keys to the bungalow and told them to get lost, oh so politely!
Once the funeral was over I found I was still visiting Nan, her only visitor and sh became very demanding, despite being in a Home permanently. (She had refused to move when her temporary stay was over!). For the next 3 years I struggled with a full time job, a teenage daughter, my increasingly hostile family and Nans increasing demands.
I walked away from my family during that time and a year after Nans death I became seriously ill with ME/CFS. (20 years later I still have it).
When my mother developed denentia and lost her sight I shamelessly used my illness to limit my interaction and would visit every 3 or 4 weeks. I couldn't stand the stress, anger and name calling I received.
Now 15 years later I can rebuild a relationship with 2 sisters and one brother.

As hard as it is, you have to put yourself first. Your health is vitally important to you. It's hard, and others, including Social Services will lay guilt on you to try and keep you caring full time.
As others have stated, it sounds very much like your mother is suffering a form of dementia, symptoms very similar to my mother, and now my elder sister. Get professional help for both of you, because you will benefit knowing that your mother is being cared for.

I’d be a bit worried about her hip? hope all is okay.
Really feeling for you, your mum is your mum is your mum and it’s never easy to step back and be as rational as you could with anybody else’s situation. Pay heed to all the good advice you have from people here ?

You sound such a lovely person Ethel. There is such a lot of good, positive, practical advice on here. I was delighted to hear that you managed to get away in holiday and that it did you so much good - could you do that on a more regular basis? I have no advice to offer but do send you .
You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I cared for my dad, whom I loved, and was loved by, dearly, for 14 years.
He was very resourceful all his life but in his last years depended heavily on me for love, company and practical support.
It was tough emotionally and sometimes physically and my dad was often irrascible. I also worked part time as a nurse and had a husband and two children to look after...
There were occasions when life was particularly demanding and the build up of stress would cause me to wonder if I was going crazy.... I wasn't and neither are you Ethel...
My abiding memories of my dad are good ones and I'm so pleased that I supported him to the end...

There are some good tips in the responses you have received and which I won't add to but hope they and maybe mine are of some support and at the very least help you to feel less alone...

Take care and heart xX

A neighbour and I provided help to an elderly neighbour who ended up hospitalised for 3 months. He was visited and chores done 5days a week. On his return social services set up carers to come in 4 times a day. He refused to have them shop as they charged for the service stating that we would do it and wanted it brought in daily only from Morrisons. Refused to have his medication put into blister packs despite saying he wasn't sure which he was to take. Didn't want the carers to clean the house though it is definitely needing it........etc. We decided together that we had had enough and had to withdraw support as he was so demanding. Now we feel guilt but his family (who will inherit) do little.
It is sad that your mother is like this with you and guilt tripping you to fit in with her unreasonable demands. She needs to be told that very firmly then you need to create boundaries and stick to them. It's for your health and sanity.

You need some help speak to social services who can advise.nwe struggled on with mil getting more needy every day till we were worn out.my mother is in a home after years of saying nothing wrong ( dementia) mil went into home after having carers at home six times a day and died four weeks later.natural cause. We've just had our holiday in the sun and just lay there flat out shattered. Get some help .

Small steps . Have 1 day where you don't go . A regular day . If you feel she can't be alone all day then suggest a cleaner who will be in the house . This may get over the'carer ' situation that many assertive older folk don't want . Maybe another day a gardener so you know someone has been round . Get any medication delivered so that you can at least have regular visitors . My Dad was the same . My main problem was he refused to stop driving then disowned me for a couple of months when I threatened DVLA . There is no easy solution but subtle seems to be better .

My darling mum died after a history similar to yours when I had to crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees I was so exhausted mentally and physically looking after her increasingly selfish demands. I was devoted to her but she had to go into a care home (the doctor, and police who found her wandering at night, said she would be sectioned if I didn't stop trying to do her wishes - keep her at home). I still feel guilt on the one occasion I grabbed her arm roughly to stop her standing in the middle of the road in oncoming traffic - the bruises on her frail arm haunt me still. When she's gone memories both bad and good will stay with you. It's very hard but it will pass, you must use what's out there for coping mechanisms and stop it destroying the relationship you have leaving you bitter and resentful. Practically - yes my Mum did have dementia. Please go for support - Carers UK brilliant. And the unpleasant stage you describe goes when they decline - Mum turned from a she-devil into a smiling silent angel. Good luck

Sending you so many supportive hugs and thoughts. Please, please go to your GP and ask for professional help for your mother. This is an impossible job for oyu and you do need to accept that. Please do not even feel one bit of guilt as the task you have is far and beyond what would be expected. This lady is not going to improve. Youe health will start to decline and in the end you'll both be in a terrible place. How onearth you work and be such a responsible and loyal daughter is amazing but stop it.

I can only speak from experience. I hadn't realsied i was becoming so very depressed until I realised I was trying to achieve the unachievable. Just step back and please get help.

Feisty old bugger! My late MIL was like that. Is there a local voluntary organisation that could send round a visitor to go round for a natter (or be nattered at) who could take the heat off a bit?
If she accepts this, a disadvantage is that she will 'love her' and everyone else is awful by comparison, that was us of course and could be you. So sorry for this but it won't go on forever.

Ethyltbags1 I do wonder if your mother has a developing dementia with associated disinhibition. Has she always been this angry and this contrary? Is this a major change in her personality? Personal histories are important diagnostic tools.

I would suggest that your mother needs a thorough medical and cognitive assessment although I know there is probably little chance she would agree to this. The only variable is how much you can continue to be involved on a day to day basis. Sometimes you need to step back to allow the local supports and health services to step in. It sounds truly horrible for you. ?

MIL is difficult, argumentative and drives us all demented. She has all the answers to everything. I recognise that at 70 (she's 85), so do I - the trouble is we have totally opposing answers. Love her to bits, but recognise that she won't be with us for many more years, so prepared to let her win, which doesn't suit either! She's had several falls in last month but won't see doc and we're worried sick about her and DS is considering going back to live with her, as she could do with some support, but then she'd whinge that she doesn't want him cluttering up her house. Thankfully we're close enough to keep an eye on her, but still able to keep our own space - I think we'd be throwing her out of a window otherwise! So you're not alone, Ethel. Do you have a local Carers' Resource which can offer you support?

Ethel this is very likely to be early dementia. Please don't feel guilty. Think about boundaries. For example: falling down today and wanting you to take her to A&E tomorrow. Clearly, if she can wait until tomorrow, it's not an A&E matter; an 'urgent' appointment with the GP will do. Think about what is a reasonable request and what is not. How much time can you give without compromising your mental and physical health? Often the local Carer's Association will have someone whom you can talk to and help you work out what's best. They can also signpost you to all sorts of services and entitlements e.g. Attendance Allowance, Carer's Allowance. Take care

This does sound like the beginning of a bit of dementia, she probably cannot help it and will be unable to change . I think you will have to just impose firm boundaries and get a social services assessment if necessary and a memory test. I have been down this rocky road twice and sometimes you have to impose some changes for your own sanity xx

Just a thought,has she been checked for Alzheimers,as they can get like this,often out of character, my mother was lovely, but got very cantankerous in her [very] old age,and came out with things she would never have said before
You dont say how old your mother is,
You need to get some help, and put yourself first,she is wearing you down

Dear Ethel, Its all been said above, in loving ways--
Also, maybe you could learn to make loving boundaries for yourself
they would not make you a horrible person. ++

Oh dear this is awful for both of you but you really sound like the wrong person to be looking after your Mum NOW

When you become full of resentment surely it’s time to find a way of sharing the load I’m not being harsh because I can TOTALLY see where you are coming from but the old lady is not being awful on purpose, she’s struggling to try and keep her independence, her hobbies, her restricted bit of life She can’t help being old and perhaps we ll all be crabby, and set in our ways when our time comes you say she would do anything for you and was your best friend so she obviously isn’t a nasty person

Ok here’s some ideas get some gardener on board ASAP but tell her you want her to help this person as they love gardening but don’t have one of their own ( obviously talk this over with the gardener first) lots of women are gardeners nowadays She Needs to feel needed, wanted still useful
Set the shopping up through the internet tell her you’re working extra hours and can’t do it for the time being

Can she go to a day centre one day a week ?

The wanting to run away bit sounds as if you’re very depressed PLEASE go to the doctors and sort this out and also ask for a social worker for your Mum they will sort lots of things out for her including her hearing aids and teeth but no one will help if you don’t ask

(SueDonim you ask what’s the worst can happen if you withdraw help it’s not that easy have you ever tried it with someone you love? Ethel will be eaten up with guilt and after her mum has gone she will blame herself hideously with no chance of putting it right )
This is an awful situation for both of you please please please share the load even if she says no

I've got the opposite problem.

I live nearly 300 miles away from my parents. I visited a couple of weeks ago and stayed for five days by renting a house down there and it was hrs seeing how old and not very robust they are.

They don't like anyone doing anything for them which makes it hard. They are very wealthy which concerns me as they could be targeted and are physically vulnerable.

They have moved into a lovely flat that has the pulleys for alarms to get help but I doubt they would use them!

They do not use the internet so all communication is by handwritten letter or phone calls.

Its a sad situation for us all when our parents are elderly.

Some lovely daughters here

As for me, I hope I never have to depend on my children to look after me. Visiting me and doing some shopping will be ok- but doing personal stuff, no. Poor kids , they have their own lives and their own problems. They are busy and stressed enough with their daily lives ,
But as I say, my respect and admiration goes out to those who do care for their elderly parents

I looked after my mum for 12 years until she died.She too was bad tempered in the last few years and I worked full time had a teenager at home ( he was 5 when I started looking after her) and a grandson who I had at my home a few times a week .She used to tell me I shouldn't be looking after him as I should spend my spare time caring for her.She was doubly incontinent,would only eat food made by me and even her doctor called her a carnaptious old devil.It s not easy ,you feel so guilty of you dont see them at least a couple of times a day and my mum used to call my cousins and tell them I never visited despite her seeing me lunchtimes and dinner times EVERY day. Well I made it through the middle of the night phone calls telling me she was paralysed ...even though she managed to open the door to me when I rushed the mile to her house and I always say I'm glad I did all I could for her as you will be when your mother is no longer here .Its tough but life often is .I found meditating helped with the stress ,might be worth a try for you or disconnect your phone for a couple of hours and take time for yourself.I really feel for you,it wont last forever though so chin up and stay positive .

Thanks, Old Meg, I asked her to get a gardener but she won't and I can't make her. She can shop online as she did when I was on cancer treatment, the thing is that she would do anything for me, its sort of emotional blackmail, today she was pulling out weeds as she walked down my path saying that I could easily weed my garden. Grrr. Making me feel bad as I've had extra work this week to make up for my holiday as I'm on zero hours. I've been giving her little jobs to do to make her feel needed, like little sewing jobs and she foes everything and is quite happy but if I could get her to listen and make some changes..

Well, she certainly knows how to pull your strings doesn’t she? What a lovely daughter you are, but possibly too lovely.

Get her a social worker. Share the load. Put her in respite care for a week and go away and have a break.

Make use of modern technology. Get her groceries delivered instead of taking her shopping. Get her a gardener. Put your foot down HARD.

Goodness, that sounds horrific for you. You are not obliged to do this. What would happen if you called time on your caring duties? What's the worst that could happen? A massive tantrum? You won't be there to witness it.

You know what they say on aeroplane safety talks? Put your own oxygen mask on before helping anyone else with theirs. You need to put yourself first.

Can I also say I was brought up by violence, my mother and I lived with my granny who was violent. I used to cringe if even looked at her, if I was cheeky I would get a punch.my granny was so scary, I wasn't allowed friends, I hadn't many toys but I was well fed and clothed. My mother was so nice, I hated her going to work, my granny bullied her too. She was my best friend until the last ten years or so when she began to be like my granny, condemning everything I did. Some of her friends have mentioned that she is tyrannical. Although she was my best friend she used to shout a lot. Even today I can't stand shouting.