Black dog gang

Annie I doubt many of us can really fully understand what the tragedy of Aberfan did to those who experienced it. You must have felt it was the worst thing that could ever happen to you but then.........................

I am also struggling about going back to church. I keep saying I will go to a different one, with no memories, on Sunday but then I don't go. I am managing to do one of the daily reading things but it makes me feel inadequate because I cannot be the person it expects me to be. I'm just not good enough.

Annie so pleased to read that you have now gone into both front and back gardens. Maybe one day you will say hello to a neighbour who is outside too.

Just wondering if a list of achievements might help some of us? Small successes which we thought were not achievable but finally did it?

I tried online mindfulness but it just made me feel worse because I couldn't see any improvement.

Its the inability to control which hurts so much. I expect better of me, not anyone else.

Have you seen the trailers for slebs with depression? Think it will be on BBC 2 next week.

Maggie thank you x

Will try to explain EMDR, I was asked to write events from childhood and Mark them 0 to 10. 10 being most distressing. The therapist,recommended by MIND, agreed to treat me via face time because I can’t get to her.

She chose to start with Aberfan (sorry just an example), I talked of it, she asked a question , I answered , she said hold that thought’ and moved her fingers left to right,right to left for a short time and I had to follow the movements with my eyes, suddenly another thought would come, repeat of ‘hold that thought ‘, this took place several times , suddenly I was back in my home with my father and aunt and uncle who shared by upbrining , could see the lights of the tv companies through the window at the disaster sight and it was on the tv at the same time, John Humphries was reporting and said ‘ there is fear another tip will slide’, I cried and said ‘Daddy I want to go home, it isn’t safe here’.

Sorry to be dramatic but until that moment I had never remembered that, and I ‘was home’ when I said it. It linked then to the same feelings of the agoraphobia now, I am safe if I stay home .

Sorry this is another long post but I want to share what I am gaining from EMDR , one sentence from 53 years ago linked to my anxiety now. How our minds work yes ?

Maggie I am a regular attender at church - always have been - but one thing I will say - they are not all as welcoming as they should be. If you find the first one you try isn't be prepared to try another.

Lily All welcome here but if you don't like it then fine. No locks on these doors

Morning Annie don’t apologies for your post, I hope it didn’t upset you too much us asking we really shouldn’t have asked you to share that, but I for one are glad you did.. it was a horrible horrible time for every one more so the people like you that witness it first hand. And lived with it ever since. God bless you Annie. X

Hello Annie Not doing so good at the moment but this too shall pass - thank you for asking.
I too remember vividly Aberfan - not the same as you though, I am from Maesteg. On that dreadful day I too was at my desk in Cardiff and the word went round that the pit had blown in Aberfan. It wasn't until later we heard it was the school - it was just unbelievable We couldn't comprehend it. I also remember Lord Robbins mouthing platitudes on the television and my father swearing at him.

Annie, please don't apologise for your post about Aberfan. It must have been painful for you to write and I hope the EMDR is helping - how does it work out of interest? Thank you for your thoughts about going to church. I do like just sitting in a sacred space and it really helps me to calm down. It would be nice to find a sense of community too. I like to sing so maybe there's a choir!

Lily, of course you can share here, we'll all understand. After yesterday's bad day I am feeling a little more positive today. After what you wrote about Aberfan Annie, it really brings home how we never know what's around the corner and that living from day to day is the only thing that really works. That, and hopefully finding a sense of something outside of ourselves which helps us to find meaning....Am waxing philosophical here......

I hope you all find some peace today. x

You have no cause to wonder Lily you haven’t shared anything except your opinion of ‘a misery pond’

Is this a safe place for sharing strong emotion and vivid memories I wonder?

Dragonfly it can be difficult but it is helping with thoughts. I think the bridge will always be too much, but I can make a new life in this part of town, this side is a lovely church, a parish hall where things go on, the vet and Homebase ? car boot sales are held here, a poetry group and a quiz group, so lots of things of interest .

How are you ?

Annie in realise now why your therapy is so hard and draining. I sincerely hope it helps you to get to your church again and to go across that bridge.

Maggie. May I suggest you try this, go to your church before the Sunday service, you may find as I do , a peacefulness, just for a few minutes , I have always done this, until the agoraphobia, going to Church again is top of my list after my recovery from the phobia.

Hope there is a strong fellowship in you Church x

I am so sorry for my post on Aberfan, am having therapy and part of it is dealing with PTS, with EMDR it doesn’t just have you think back, it makes you feel you are there , I do have to say one more thing in fairness,not the council but the U.K. government made the village pay £150,000 from the fund, the money with interest was returned to the village by Blair and was invested to pay for upkeep of the graves and memorial garden after the deaths of the parents.

That’s it,

Sparkly that is good to hear. I'm going to go on Sunday for the first time in a long time.

Good night all, sleep well.. ?

Nite nite too Maggie. Another day done and dusted x

MaggieTulliver you asked about faith. I go to church and I find it helps, God loves me even if it feels like no one else can.
I feel so peaceful after. It provides structure too in a small way.

Oh Annie, what happened that terrible day puts everything in perspective. You've been through so much. Dawn, it is swings and roundabouts indeed. I feel a little calmer now I'm tucked up in bed with my doggie Alfie. We are in this together. Nite nite x

OMGoodness Annie what can any one say to that. Bless you!!! You have had so much sadness in your life.. I ask how I cope every day.. HOW DO YOU??? I can not comprehend it your heart must be so so heavy Annie I am putting my arms around you big hug Annie xx

Awful for you your family, the parents the whole community Anniebach. Relatives of mine went over to help dig the children out. My grandfather was an ambulance driver and was helping too.
Never forget it. Never forget the local council dipping into the donated fund to do repairs to the hillside.

We never know the day or the hour. God bless and rest in peace to all those good brave souls.

Yes , I was born and brought up in Aberfan, went to that school as did my father. That day I was working in my office 20 miles away, phone rang, a man who knew I was from Aberfan phoned me and said ‘something has happened in Aberfan , I think the pit has gone, phone cut off, I phoned but the operator said no lines available, I thought my uncles were dead, collected my fsther and tore over the Beacons,police try to stop me, no way. I got home , my Aunt
was distraught , said ‘it’s the school’, I ran to the school , many photographs of it , doesn’t show the horror, mothers, fathers, grandparents digging with their hands , some houses had gone, my Uncle Phil went to work in hoovers that morning, got back home, his two sons died in the school, his wife in the house. I went to the Chapel, my family were ministers there, ,little bodies lay on the pews, at the school more dead children were being carried out, when s sound was heard a whisle blew, silence, mothers wispered ‘please God let it be x (child’s name ) .

After this was my introduction to tranquilizers, the safest, happiest place in the world was no longer safe or happy.

Those children were murdered

Maggie
A good while. Yesterday was a good day enough. Today was harder. It is swings and roundabouts. Yes we must keep hope alive. Dawn

Aww my goodness yes Aberfan do you mind us asking you Annie is that right. That is something people will never forget.

Dawn, how long have you been struggling? We must all believe life can get better....Annie, I meant to ask, did you live in Aberfan as a child? You mentioned 1966 and a disaster...I remember seeing it on TV, a very vivid memory. I have family an hour away, my dear 88 year old mum still listens to my problems. I hope everyone manages to get some peaceful sleep tonight x

Maggie Annie yes I do have my husband and I am very grateful for him. But believe me some times I don’t know how he puts up with me... he does try but it’s hard for him to understand he doesn’t fear much, I feel very lonely same as many more hear it’s hard when somone doesn’t understand mental heath problems. I am so grateful I can come hear and talk to others.