Watching her kill herself

I read this thread with interest .

I am overweight with Type 2 diabetes, controlled by medication. I'm currently losing weight , albeit slowly and have got my blood sugar down to a normal figure.

But I will ALWAYS be addicted to sweet things and less than healthy choices. Every mouthful is a battle ( and I do not use that word lightly) between what I know , as an educated woman, is healthy and what is not.

If this lady is not willing to fight that daily battle ( and lets be honest that's her choice) then she will never improve.

We can 'want' someone to take better care of themselves for whatever the reason but the choice is theirs and only theirs. No amount of letting others shop for her or ask her why she is killing herself will make one scrap of difference because she is the one putting the food in her mouth.

I go to SW and every week the leader gets to me and asks me how I'm enjoying the programme and every week I tell her I'm not :-) I do it because I have to ,not out of enjoyment.

If the lady is happy things wont change.

How happy does she seem, in herself?

I have an obese relative who is obese and has sleep apnea seriously enough for him to have been hospitalised. He said 'the doctors said there is no cure'. I just don't believe that the doctors would not have mentioned his obesity and general health. He likes cooking and will put three times as much food on the table as most people would and then finish anything left on anyone else's plate. He and his wife are in denial. She has oedema in her legs and it much improved when she lost weight but she it putting it back on again. They are both in denial, particularly about his condition. He is a hoarder and so a bit obsessive and I don't think there is any way to even broach the subject. It is certainly not for me to do it, but it is sad to watch.

Treating the effects of diabetes is a major drain on NHS resources. If you can change your condition through exercise and diet you benefit not only yourself but others who also need NHS resources

I am Type 2 Diabetic, not on insulin but tablets. I am obese but find exercise difficult due to arthritis, this affects my left foot making walking painful, I used to love to walk miles. I try to eat a good diet, not too much fruit but loads of veg. I do get annoyed when a family member usually DM says "you shouldn't be eating that", even Diabetic Professional acknowledge occasional treats won't do any harm. I don't bake cakes/biscuits as I know I would eat them, cheese is my main downfall, I love it. You cannot make some-one change their behaviour. I rarely drink & have given up smoking, do I feel better -no I don't

Maybe the question to her should be asking has she planned how she'll cope when she goes blind

Am concerned about the attitude of GPs to obesity. The WellWoman check-ups/clinics seem to have disappeared. It's very difficult to get an appointment so going to see the GP for anything other than in-your-face illness makes you feel guilty.
Round here we're desperately short of GPs, too.

That’s a very interesting thought.

I wonder how she would react if you quietly said to her”why are you trying to kill yourself?” And then keep quiet yourself. She’s in denial and that simple statement could make her acknowledge her behaviour.

I have no intention of nagging her about it. I know a lost cause when I see it. It’s her daughter, who is very close to me, who is desperately unhappy with her mother’s state of health.

My concern is for her daughter, and a sense of bewilderment about why anyone would choose this path.

Maybe she's one of those people who think they'd rather have 5 years of enjoying eating and drinking whatever they fancy than 10 years of dietary rules that make them miserable. I am sure this person has been told all the facts she needs to make up her own mind, and I'd say don't spoil her remaining few years/months of overeating and overdrinking by nagging her about it.

She goes shopping with her husband and does her own cooking and baking. Not being able to walk 100 yards without getting out of breath and having to stop is not the same as wandering slowly around a small supermarket using a trolley as a walking aid and at a sedate pace.

I’ve watched her preparing a meal in the past. She potters around. It takes her ages, even though her kitchen is tiny and she sits on a stool to prepare food. But she does snack on cakes (often some she’s made herself) and biscuits constantly. Her husband makes breakfast and lunch, usually lots of toast and sandwiches. If he tried to curb her appetite she would throw a tantrum and he backs down.

It’s not like you see these grossly obese people confined to bed and having others feed them. She probably weighs at least 15 stone and measures 5’ 3”.

Some people can get away with bad diet and it never seems to catch up with them. But she watched her father die in his 60s from complications of diabetes, so I expect her genes are stacked against her.

Other people shopping for her won't work. She can set up an online shop, have it delivered and put in her fridge if necessary.

My BFs mother was an alcoholic. She lived a remarkably long time considering. The family refused at first to deliver alcohol to her to try to stop her so she rang cabs, got them to buy her alcohol, deliver it and gave them a handsome tip. So the family started to buy it again as she was spending so much money getting what she wanted.

I don't think nanny state tactics of pressure on government to attempt to stop people is the answer. You can only educate, medically advise then respect the right of the individual to do with their bodies what they choose to do.

Sadly Anja with all the information she has and health problems she knows will get worse, it still looks as though she will self destruct due to her food addiction. So sad to watch.

My ex is slowly dying of COPD. It was caused by a 60-a-day smoking habit plus working on friends' houses without wearing a mask. But it hurts to see this ruin of a man, whose marriage is pretty well non-existent, reduced to living in one room with an electric fire. Many times over the decades I tried to persuade him to stop smoking as he had a wife and two children but to no avail. The OP is right: people have to want to look after themselves.

Rizlett

Thing is poor health choices don't just lead to a shorter life but rather one accompanied with severe health issues often leaving people immobile with painful pressure sores, leg ulcers and a miserable rather than shorter existence.

The thought of death is easy - but ill health, pain, gangrene - these are hard.

I absolutely agree with you, but it didn't carry any weight with my in-law. Ironically, she died of something else. She was only 50

I’ve given up trying to get DH to change his ways although he has improved. He went to the gym and changed his diet, last a stone and then began to slip back. He always accused me of nagging him.
Life is too short to be continually grumbled at for trying to do the best for ones family. It has to be their decision to change and stick to it, giving help when asked.
So sad seeing someone decline and being powerless to help.

My mother is the same and it is difficult watching her destroy her own health and be in such constant pain whilst not helping herself. I have given up with the ignored verbal advice but constantly leave leaflets reminding her of her condition and what measures she could take behind me when I visit. She never mentions these at all which I find odd, so whether she throws them away or reads them I have no idea but I feel at least I am doing something to remind her.

I'd agree with olliebeak. If the family would do her shopping for her, take it to her, pack it away and then leave. Ignore her abuse and hopefully it will push her in the right direction.
Where I used to work, I often saw diabetics, type1 and type2 and it never failed to amaze me how different people dealt with it! Some seemed to virtually ignore it, carried on as before, while constantly complaining about everything in their life as if it was everyone else's fault, not theirs and others really stuck to the rules, accepted the condition and dealt with it. I know which ones were happier!

My dad died the same way.. he was diagnosed type 2 diabetes, also sweet tooth, obese, refused to change lifestyle BUT it was his choice, grown man making his own choices about his body, he knew the consequences and decided to eat the things he loved rather than face a life without them. Paid the price in the end. It is the same for smokers etc, they know the damage it will do but smoke anyway. It is our body and we can abuse it anyway we see fit!

Everyone has the right to make choices in their life that might not be the same as someone else in the same situation might do.

It's hard to see members of our family make negative health/life choices but we are only responsible for our choices. [and that of our children to some degree]

One of the things that medical professionals frustratingly have to learn is that all patients are entitled to make poor choices about their health too. The reasons for this are very wide and difficult to understand - all we can do is accept.

One of my in-laws had the attitude that she’d rather live a shorter life enjoying her indulgences than live longer without them.

Thing is poor health choices don't just lead to a shorter life but rather one accompanied with severe health issues often leaving people immobile with painful pressure sores, leg ulcers and a miserable rather than shorter existence.

The thought of death is easy - but ill health, pain, gangrene - these are hard.

sugar is an addiction just like alcohol and smoking. Its very hard to stop as of course she has to eat. There's nothing anyone can do about it she will only change her eating habits if she wants to. There is an addiction group called Overeaters Anonymous which works the same spiritual programme as Alcoholics Anonymous which would help her if she would go to it.

I agree Gonegirl - I think olliebeak has made a very good point.

olliebeak has a good suggestion there.

It must be so hard, once you've got to the obese point, to start making tiny inroads. The task must seem well nigh impossible. Absolutely soul destroying. It's hard enough even when you've only got a few pounds to lose. In fact for me it seems impossible. God only knows what it must be like for someone with stones to lose.

Don't know the answer, but I do feel for her.

Don't know if you do Twitter, but you could probably find someone on there who has made the big weight loss very successfully. Might help to spur her one a bit.

As it sounds as though this lady can't be doing her own shopping, maybe the members of her family could agree NOT to bring inappropriate foods/sweets etc into the family home. If the bad food isn't immediately available, then she can't eat it!