Watching her kill herself

I'm obese and diabetic.
I was diagnosed when I was 63.
I was obese for 63 years before I developed diabetes.
I am very active and always have been, lucky not to have a sweet tooth, so my diet as a diabetic is exactly the same as it was pre-diagnosis.

But, despite the fact that my diabetes is totally controlled, there are still health risks, even if your blood sugars are consistently low. Diabetes is an insidious disease.

About the same time as I was diagnosed, so was a slightly younger friend of mine. He would not give up his sweets and Coke and is now, just over 10 years later, in such poor mental and physical condition that he needs constant hospitalisation.

I have no idea if he would still be healthy if he'd regulated his diet but I do know his prodigality with sugar has caused his family endless distress. His time is now limited.

I was diagnosed prediabetic. I gave up sugar, it was hard as it was my addiction. I lost 2 stones but had never considered myself vastly overweight.
I loathe the fact that people won’t help themselves. It’s all very well but when it falls to others as it ALWAYS does to step in and care people when things go wrong it very often could be avoided.
I recall being so disappointed in a friend saying they’d rather take a pill than getting ve up drinking coke and eating chocolate. I truly thought in your 60s you’re going to be more responsible.

I am always perplexed when I see patients standing outside our local hospital in their dressing gowns trailing their mobile drips and puffing on their cigarettes.

OP as Momb said, she will have been told and advised many times and is making a lifestyle choice.

Unfortunately food like smoking is addictive.

It must cost the NHS a fortune.

Thank you Anja, yes definitely a struggle, and one I have to live with for the rest of my life. My suggestion re the book was just that she might pick it up one day and decide to take some action, or it might inspire her to join some of the really lovely caring supportive groups on Facebook who are all people experiencing the same or similar to her. I do hope she finds a way to sort it out x

grandetante- been pondering on your comment and trying to get my head around it:

"Would you be just as sad if she was a cancer patient refusing radiation therapy, or chemo?"

and I feel there is a huge difference. Huge differences even. One of the main ones being that this would not cost the NHS a fortune that could be used elsewhere (perhaps in preventing and treating cancer). It's hard and harsh- but treating Type 2 D is costing millions.

I have a friend whose DD is 4'11" and a size 24. She lives to eat (lots) but has tried WW to lose some, but when she does she rewards herself by eating normally. She's been on a yo-yo diet for years. She's now been approved for an NHS gastric bypass but I fear she will look on this as an easy way out and will cheat by liquidising the stuff she likes and craves.

PS well done on your lifestyle changes. That must have been some struggle x

But that’s the whole point edsnana she wouldn’t read the book because that’s been tried.

Aepgirl she is in denial, and does not acknowledge there is risk.

As someone who had type 2 diabetes for 13 years before I finally managed to do something about it, your relative has my sympathy. I had very little information given to me when I was diagnosed, the one gem of wisdom I remember was drink low calorie squash rather than juice! The thinking then was very different to now. But not all GPs and nurses are up to speed. Low carb/low sugar is the way I reversed my diabetes but it is bloody hard work! We are constantly bombarded with food adverts and I still don't think people really understand how addictive carbs and sugar are. I took action after seeing a programme where someone had a leg amputated and I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. It is a daily struggle, watching others eat whatever they like with no apparent ill effects. I haven't eaten cakes/biscuits/chocolate/rice/pasta now for 6 months. I have a jacket potato once a month and if someone else has chips I might sneak 2 or 3! My way of eating is tougher as well because I'm vegan. However I want to be around to see my grandchildren grow up so I will stick with this. If you want to help Anja you could try buying the Michael Mosely book, "The Blood Sugar Diet". Believe me no one chooses to be fat or diabetic!

She clearly knows all the dangers, but does not have the willpower to do anything about it. I feel so sorry for this lady.

I certainly understand the difference VIOLETTE and I’m sure many others would if it was explained to them. The friend I lost at 42 was Type 1.

I am amazed at how insightful so many of these replies are; how candid and soul searching others. It has certainly opened my eyes, listening to others in a similar situation, as to why she finds it so hard and lacks motivation to ‘fix’ it.

She is a grown woman and has presumably been told time and time again that disregarding her diabetes will lead to her death.

Presumably, her attitude is that we all have to die sometime of something and that she would rather enjoy her life than keep to a strict diet.

Surely, the decision is hers to make. Would you be just as sad if she was a cancer patient refusing radiation therapy, or chemo? I am not certain I would ever want to put myself through either of those in order to live a while longer, but be miserable.

What upsets me is that, as a Type 1 insulin dependant diabetic, if ever anyone mentions diabetes, they assume I am obese with a dreadful lifestyle, costing the health service thousands ……………...I WISH people would understand the difference between lifestyle (Type 2) and a non functioning pancreas (Type 1) …...so if I ever mention it, it is picked up as being my fault ………..grrrrrrrrrrr

Hm999 : 'Maybe the question to her should be asking has she planned how she'll cope when she goes blind' ...

most of the people I know who have found it difficult or impossible to control their diabetes, lost their legs before they lost their sight- bit by bit, to the knee, above the knee then up to the groin.

As Pinkrinse says this is just as much an addiction as cigarettes or alcohol. As with any addiction its down to the person to want to stop. Until that happens you are on a hiding to nothing I'm afraid.

I have a DH who is pacemaker dependent (for AF), overweight, dreadful diet (despite what I put in front of him) and going into heart failure. He would rather live less time but be 'able' than compromised as what he sees as semi-invalid. I have had to learn to accept this and brace myself for what may be to come. I find myself hoping he will have a massive MI / stroke and drop down dead cos' I will struggle with what may be the alternative. I am sure it has compromised our relationship as I have found myself drawing in to protect myself. It's very difficult to watch and be helpless when the person could help themselves

I'm very obese and pre-diabetic. I also suffer with asthma and have put on even more weight this year, which is seriously affecting my mobility. I joined SW and although I get lots of support and have lost weight with them before it just doesn't seem to be happening this time. I suffer with water retention, which doesn't help because it makes me feel miserable. I'm getting to the stage when I don't want to go out at all, even socially which I used to enjoy. I have had a difficult time in the past and I think eating is how I deal with it. I love chocolate and can eat huge amounts, but most of my food is healthy - I've even started eating from a smaller plate in a bid to try to lose weight. I feel like I'm drowning and I just can't seem to find the willpower. I can't go into details, but have found out something very serious about one of my children recently and this has caused a rift between me and my other child - it's all horribly complicated, but I eat chocolate to make myself feel better NOW as it will take ages for any loss to show on me and I don't feel as if I have the strength to keep making that sort of effort.

I'm over weight and T2. I have shown my GP a typical weeks menu which is 3 meals a day plus a tea cake or similar as an afternoon snack sometimes only a very occasional biscuit. He says I'm eating well but I can't shift weight.
I do have trouble walking far which is a catch 22 situation. I know I need more exercise. We used to go rambling for 5-6 miles when our children were young. I struggle with 0.5 mile now.
My last HBA1C was fine, but I am being treated for diabetic retinopathy.
DH is T2 and eats what ever he wants and his consultant tells him he's a model patient

I have a friend who is grossly overweight. I have known him and his ex wife since schooldays. I feel he is comfort eating. He is a professional man, very intelligent, good company and very kind. But he is ballooning.

He likes a drink and he has a hearty appetite, but not a sweet tooth. He doesn't eat puddings or cakes and biscuits, but chips, bread, potatoes, pasta, fry-ups, in large portions - and beer and whisky nightcaps are his downfall.

He is not stupid. He knows all about healthy eating and the perils of being obese (Don't we all?)

I see it as a death wish almost. I have no idea why he doesn't rein himself in. He has got so much going for him in terms of good lifestyle, etc. I wonder if the lack of 'love' in his life means he feels OK to love his food instead. He is such a lovely, warm-hearted, generous man but he doesn't even consider finding himself another partner.

He often says we all die of something. I do feel he has an addiction, a mental problem because I can think of no other reason why he doesn't take stock and try to lose weight.

I need to lose weight but find social occasions hard to get through. I tell myself a little of what you fancy does you good - constant denial does wreck your thinking about food I feel. I have the strength to stock the house with mainly healthy foods and not buy those that tempt me, but not everyone does.

I think addiction to food is a huge problem and maybe we have to stop writing off those who find it hard to lose weight. We seem to have more time and sympathy for drug addicts. Fat people are written off as slobs.

Sadly I wonder whether anything will make this lady change unless somehow it comes from within her: a friend's father had both legs mputated after vascular disease caused by heavy smoking, but even that didn't stop him smoking and eventually he died of heart disease.

It’s a form of addiction, one of the symptoms is denial, and there is nothing you can do. If they don’t want to change then nothing you say or do. It is an irrational mental illness. Xxx

My mother in law was the same , but her weakness was cigarettes. She chain- smoked all her life , and when she got to about 60, and was so obviously getting poorly and dropping weight , she totally refused hospital or doctors. Nothing I could say made the slightest difference. I asked my husband to try and talk sense to her , and he just shrugged and said it’s her choice. She died of inevitable lung cancer at 63. Just sat and wasted away.... no treatment , any never giving up the fags. My husband has myriad health concerns and will not go to the doctor. Although I’ve begged and begged. I say I will get the doctor in to see him...all he says is he’ll send him for tests which he won’t attend. I know this to be true as well.So what’s to do with people or families of people who self - destruct. Nothing .... leave them alone .... it’s their choice. Most people don’t have much control over their lives ., although we all like to think we do. It’s a form of taking control over the only thing they can control... their own bodies and destinies.

If she's been getting away with living like this for 20 years then she's very unlikely to change until something drastic happens - e.g. she has to have some toes amputated or starts losing her sight. My Dad was the same - he was a total sugar addict, and it wasn't until he became too ill to leave the house, and Mum had total control over his diet, that he began to improve. As for how her family copes with it - it's the old adage of: "if what you're doing isn't working, then do something different." Might be a good idea to start the conversations with her about her Will, about what kind of Funeral she would like; about the complications of diabetes and make it clear that they're
not going to help her because she's not helping herself. They need to stop reminding her not to eat something (it's not working and is clearly "feeding" her inner teenager who won't be told what to do). Someone is shopping for her and feeding her - they need to stop enabling this behaviour; put up with the abuse (sorry, but it's called Tough Love) and make it clear that they're not going to help her suicidal behaviour (because that's what it is). They could start by not having ANY sugary drinks or foods in the house - total ban. And BTW people CAN overcome a sugar addiction - my Dad did in his 60's (if he could, anyone can).

Sounds like she’s caught in a downward spiral and is probably depressed too. She hates being told she can’t eat this and that while others have no problem and feels she’s being got at all the time, and is actually comfort and defiantly eating while also knowing it’s doing her no good at all. Her husband makes lunch, maybe he could decide HE wants to lose weight (the summer’s coming, he’s feeling really bloated, he’s suddenly finding all this bread and cakes is taking its toll, etc. etc) and start making little salads or using crispbread instead?