just found out something awful about someone I knew many years ago

When I posted about my discovery about what had come of someone I knew many years ago, little did I realise just how many people had experienced similar, and in many brave cases, some have shared dreadful experiences. Hopefully these brave shared traumas will help others who have been through the same and perhaps not believed. My experience was nothing compared to many on here, just a loss of teenage fantasy and innocence I suppose, and I would like to thank you, my online friends, for helping me to come to terms with this and to move on.

Well, despite my parents reaction, I just kept on about it, every time my brother went next door, I’d make a fuss about it!
I wasn’t believed though!

Years later , my mother admitted that my aunt had advised her not to leave us with him, because she thought he was a bit strange!

Sara65 hope you managed to keep away from the man after that. It's more likely that children will be believed these days but, it remains highly likely that their allegations will be dismissed as fantasy/trouble making/untrue/how could anyone believe that of x and so on.
We only need to reflect on the response to the Me To movement and the girls in the child sexual exploitation cases to know that most people find it easier to believe allegations are false than to face the extent of sexual abuse we live amongst.

We had a neighbor who touched me inappropriately on many occasions, and I doubt I was the only one. Eventually I told my parents, because my brother had taken to hanging around his house, and I got yelled at for making up disgusting lies!

Florence, thanks for being courageous enough to post this. There is so much criticism of what are called 'non protective mothers' that most women in your position keep quiet. Of course, you feel devastated and whilst you know you aren't to blame, you'll heap criticism on yourself for not somehow knowing what your ex husband was capable of.
Its good to read your daughter understands, doesn't blame you, is in a supportive relationship and has had some counselling.
It isn't unusual for other adult children in a family to deny their sisters (brothers) allegations against their father. Look after yourself

p m”d you Florence

You do need to be careful and not jump to judgment unless you are sure.

About 20 years ago a friend's father was arrested and charged with buying and looking at child pornography. Nothing incriminating was found on his computer or in his house, car or anywhere else.

The charge was based on a charge to his credit card, which he had queried and he had had a charge back, which was on his card statement. Nevertheless the police persisted with the charge. At that time credit cards did not have the three figure number on the back and a popular scam was for fraudsters to make up card numbers and try them out until one registered as genuine and then to buy goods and order services on that card number. This is what had happened in his case.

When it came to court, it was thrown out because the judge rightly said there was no evidence he used pornography and he had queried and received a charge back on his card.

But by then his name had been in the papers, he lost all his friends, his marriage broke down, he was unable to see or communicate with his grandchildren for over a year and after he was completely exonerated his life could not get back to normal. There were always those who said 'There is no smoke without fire and suchlike, those who had said dreadful things about him and he could never renew the friendship.

I am very careful how I condemn people until the evidence is totally incontrovertible.

My friend had a breakdown after the acquittal.

Florence

Don't underestimate how much you are "saving"/helping your daughter now simply by believing her

I have found out that my ex husband abused our daughter when she was a child until she was a teenager, when he lived at home and after we split up. I had absolutely no idea this was going on. He had been violent and abusive towards me, but I tried to keep this away from the children and allowed them to stay with him because I didn't want to be one of those women who stopped their children from seeing their father! Now my children are in their 30's and my son refuses to believe that his father would do this and won't speak to me or his sister. The father cannot be prosecuted as he is now too ill to stand trial and all his family are standing by him. I was abused as a child by a family member, then endured a miserable marriage, but had rebuilt my life with a loving partner. This latest situation has broken me. Outside I am coping ok, as I'm good at this, but inside I am crushed. I feel guilty, even though I had no idea. I feel like I've let my daughter down and lost my son and the man who hurt me and my daughter for so many years has got away with it. My daughter is ok, has had counselling and has a supportive partner. She is very strong and understands that I had no idea what was going on. My son, who lives abroad has constantly been let down by his father (an arrogant business type) in the past, but seems to have forgotten all of this. My current husband is lovely and supportive, but I don't want to keep banging on about how I'm feeling as it's not fair on him. I miss my relationship with my son, but I understand why he wouldn't want to think this of his father. I just can't see an end to it.

What an excellent and fair post Grannyticktock

However, it would seem GillT57 has an old acquaintance who cannot make excuses for his sleazy and criminal behaviour.

I am sure most of us would feel repulsed and upset too by this finding Gill I imagine it was an awful shock.

He is not in your life now, so try if you can to firmly close the door on the memories you have of him. I know we cannot erase parts of our life like that but thinking that was then, and this is now might help you (mentally) distance yourself from him.

I agree with Iam that 'child porn' is not an acceptable term. I was taken to task for using it by a close relative who is a police officer dealing with such cases. The Police and Justice system refers to 'indecent images of children'.

My friend lives in Brighton, and when she had her second child her father came down to give her a hand. To let his daughter have a nap with the baby he took his 3 year old granddaughter to the play park. She became upset and was crying for mummy, and her grandad tried to pacify her, hoping to give mum a rest.Within minutes there were police there, as people had noticed the child was agitated and contacted them.

It’s always stomach churning when you think you’ve had a brush with something like this even if it’s just someone you came across briefly. I have always known we must have an epidemic of paedophiles in the UK as I spent a lot of my childhood dodging them! Luckily I had a big mouth and they knew it!

It does knock you for six when you read/hear of cases like this.
Some years ago the last house on our street was a vicarage and a new vicar moved in with his young family. I took against him from the start, I couldn't put my finger on it but felt he showed too much interest in the young girls in the street. I did mention my doubts to DH but he said " he's a vicar for goodness sake". Vicar disappeared and I assumed he had relocated, he had relocated alright to HMP. Defrocked for sexual relationship with a thirteen year old.

OP. You have actually had a bereavement and will feel mournful for the persona you have lost that has been replaced by this complete stranger. Give yourself time to come to terms with this.

We were in the play park yesterday with our grandson and there was a young man in his early twenties leaning against a gate just looking at his phone. I just assumed his son/daughter was playing nearby. A bit later he went to the small swings and started doing strongman exercises on the bar. No children were attached to him.

I realised that he was there alone just watching the children. He left after about 20 mins. I strongly suspect his intentions were far from innocent. What a sad old world.

Hellsbelles My experience too.

I was a prison visitor for a number of years in a maximum security wing. The sex offenders were isolated from the others for their own safety, so although we never asked the crime, it was clear.

They too were, as you described - an apparently ordinary cross section of society.
Of course there were massive great, tattooed, weight-lifting gang members in the wing as well but they were in for murders as well as sex crimes.
They used to write me poetry and stories about their often horrendously violent childhoods - and take the wildflowers I'd brought, back to their cells.

Sometimes I would leave that place in tears.

Lets call it what it is, images of children being abused, terrified and hurt

men who view child porn are despicable. child has been abused or raped in every image they view. You don't access this filth by mistake.

As another poster who worked with children and adults who had experienced abuse, and with offenders, I agree with the posters who had similar work experience and believe we all know sex offenders. They live amongst us and look just like everyone else.
This may seem a small thing but, I dislike the term "child porn". What we're talking about are photographic or video images of small children being subjected to sexual abuse. Many of the adult women who appear in 'porn' have their own childhood experience of sexual abuse and exploitation.

What a lot of people dont realise is that adults can be groomed too, for various reasons, sometimes a mother will be groomed so that the man can get close to the daughter/s, the mother then thinks what a lovely man and would trust her children with him, but they are clever manipulaters, and usually very charming,
Sorry you found this out about this man Gill, but you didnt know of course and only showed the part of his character he wanted you to see

remember him as he was .but thats all he is a memory. he belongs in the past .push him out of your mind .blank him out .you got more important things to do. he's a sad sick sod ,you deft dont want to have anything to do with him now...

And of course any man we fancied when we were young in the 70’s are not that fantasy now . Even if not looking at child pornography . They have lost that youthful hotness and are often bald and fat . I was quite upset at a recent school reunion when I saw the guy I had carried a Torch for for 45 years was not quite so fanciable now !! ? Best remember them from that d school photo ... o the pain of longing turning into dust

With hindsight, and maturity, I can see that I was 'approached' inappropriately on at least six occasions in the 50's and 60's between the ages of about ten and sixteen. Once by a neighbour, who, when I was fourteen, suggested that I come to his house to ' be with ' his grandson in bed. I had spotted them watching me from their window previously. The other times were twice by relatives and the other occasions by strangers. Those episodes, and all the ones in the media make me wonder how many men are out there looking for opportunities. Not fair to the majority of men, I know.

I hope you can see now, GillT, that many of us have encountered someone who later turned out to have paedophile tendencies, or someone older whom we discovered later was a sex offender. In such cases it's normal to feel annoyed or even guilty at ourselves for trusting this person or not having sensed that they were more than a bit creepy. We like to think our own instincts will help to keep us and our loved ones safe, and feel tainted and uncomfortable when this proves not to be the case. Don't let this make you suspicious of other men (past or present!) or afraid to trust them. Most men are not like this, so I hope you can just let this go, and get on with your life.