This live-in carer is driving me insane!!!

You can put up with and teach someone who is a bit slow on the uptake with the technical task, but has a carers personality.

Not so much the other way round.

OP put an ad in The Lady & gumtree etc x

Perhaps giving her a lead in how you'd like her to behave could sort things out without the stress of getting someone else

She is not failing to do mechanical tasks which could be taught. She is failing to be a companion which is not easily taught!

Many aspects of Luckygirl'sexperience of care for a sick partner are really worrying. My MIL had old age care - for dementia (which lasted for 20 years!) in a home. Her house was sold to fund it but I believe the nursing care element was paid for by the local authority.

Can I ask what happens to people who cannot find £800 a week (£3200 per four week month) to pay for carers? It's a huge amount of money to find. I presume the NHS kicks in, so it's all means tested?

If anything happened to OH (or me) that involved live-in care, there wouldn't be funds to pay for it, because our meagre savings wouldn't last very long at all.

I suppose a live in carer is doing a day and night shift (with lots of breaks in between) so it's likely to be an expensive posting, and I imagine a hospital/hospice bed would cost the NHS much more per patient. However, I cannot be the only one who feels for Luckygirl and the difficulties she has experienced, but is also terrified that the system is creaking and seems broken, the care is patchy and often poor, and the expense is enormous.

Hope it continues to improve Lucky but - you're paying the agency to provide a service that works for you. You aren't responsible for making life ok for the carer though of course, you'd be a fair employer x

I agree with Doodle.
When young, I had very little idea of social skills and would have been terrible in that job.
I wouldn't have taken such a job but this girl may have had little choice.

Perhaps giving her a lead in how you'd like her to behave could sort things out without the stress of getting someone else.

If you are paying £800 per week, do you not at least get to interview??

Perhaps she’s very shy or struggles with relationships. I know it’s not your job to look after her but have you asked her if she would like to eat a meal with you in the evening. If she is autistic or has Aspergers she may need to tale the lead from you as to what sort of relationship you want. Perhaps you need to tell her what you like her to do and see how she takes it.

Good thinking Luckygirl. Perhaps this woman does realise all you and MrLucky have been through and continue to go through, and is wary of seeming over friendly or too jolly. I hope things continue to improve with her.

I think you must have the patience of a saint Luckygirl. You shouldn’t have to put up with a carer like that. I wish you luck in sorting this out.

Thanks for all the advice. I hardly dare say this.......shhh.........but she seems to be a bit better today. I will hang on in there and see where this goes.

The agency I am using is cheaper than most so I need to try and make this work as the bank will get broken a bit slower. I am loathe to seek a replacement as the process involved in getting this one at all was tortuous and difficult and I am not sure I have the strength to do it all again so soon.

Saw my counsellor this morning and said how much I miss the sea (as I was brought up in the coast) and she said I should go on a day trip - great idea!

I guess the difficulty is firstly that I feel sorry for her

Okay but you are effectively "sponsoring" her to the tune of £800. If you had that much money to give to charity would she be your charity of choice?

A lot of people would have reacted more harshly. You need to let yourself off the hook now x

When my FiL was receiving end of life care my MiL had to contact the agency about one of his carers - she just wasn't quite what they were looking for. It's absolutely fine to say that a particular carer isn't the right fit for your family, and if the carer is as experienced as she and the agency are telling you she is then she should have established your expectations and be working to them - it shouldn't be up to you to do that or to try and second guess why she isn't.

I think that having a stranger living in your home is bound to be very tough for both parties. It is not always easy for a carer to know what sort of relationship that their clients want/expect.

While some will want a friendly person who chats over a cuppa in the kitchen -others will be expecting a more Upstairs/Downstairs relationship (I have read of people getting angry if the home carer sat in the kitchen/living room). So it is difficult for the carer to suss out

I don't know whether she is working a lot of unsociable hours caring for your DH but she may have taught herself to catnap while working so that she can cope. Or she might have the blinds down because she watches a lot of movies on Netflix in her spare time.

a paid carer should not need any directing.......just given simple instructions.
clearly the agency is at fault.

do not get caught up in feeling sorry for the carer.......you have yourself and your DH to take care of.

a good agency train their staff....i have close friend doing this work and they had a lot of training plus they have already 15 years work experience in the NHS .
That is more the level you should expect...someone who knows what to do.
Accept nothing less for your sake.

I hope you can easily find a local agency. It should not be hard, and perhaps social services can recommend one?

Maybe, she was ill last week and didn't say anything? Could you write a list and sort of " demonstrate"?

Ouch, Luckygirl !
Perhaps she needs more direction, some people are not good at using their initiative especially when they are new.

No - Scottish! - maybe the sun is so rare where she comes from!

She has suddenly started to thaw a bit this morning - so I will wait and see how it goes.

driverann - £1500 a week - not bad!

You say she hates the sun. Is she Chinese by any chance?

OMG Driverann that sounds awful! I'm not surprised that there seem to be recruitment issues. This sort of employment is not everyone's cup of tea.
That doesn't help poor Luckygirl though. If only her DH could have stayed in the hospice for respite. Such good care there by the sound of it.

I used to work agency jobs as well as my NHS full time work. I I used to do sleep-ins and it can be very nice work or a nightmare. One well known gentlemen I looked after used to watch porn films all day. His wife lived in a cottage in the grounds with her girlfriend. I was paid £1500 per week which was fantastic but he was an absolute nightmare to look after and other agencies had refused to work at his very large house. On another occasion the son of a woman I was looking after wanted to know if I would have sex with him and if I said no he would tell the agency I miss treated his mother. Most of the jobs were very nice people and lovely families but not all.

The carer is likely being paid £400/500 per week, gross, the rest is the agency fees.

There will always be something that irritates you about someone living in your home but you need to be comfortable with their presence at least!

Sounds as if you’ve made a good decision to use a local agency now lucky. They will have more sense of you and your husband as people and are close by to deal with any problems. I’m sorry you’ve had more stress. The first time we do anything it’s hard and sadly things often don’t often turn out quite right. You know what you need and want now - and also what you don’t want. Hope the assessment gives you confidence.

befire before

Luckygirl
After reading B9exchange's post...I don't think it's your job to be her nursemaid/counsellor.
She should be well aware of what her
job entails and have been interviewed by the agency about her suitability for the jobs she was sent to, befire being sent. She should also have vetted references from previous positions and a current EDBS certificate.
Any reputable agency would not send out someone who acts as your employee does.

Why not put an ad in The Lady magazine Luckygirl
Almost £800pw seems a lot if she's getting bed and board as well as not giving your DH any company.
Good luck.
Agencies are not always the best place to find carers.