This live-in carer is driving me insane!!!

ps she is there to relieve your worries and stress, not add to them.

We're all here with you!

Don't feel sorry for her, you are paying for services which she seems unable to provide. It's a contract, a transaction and you are not receiving value for money.

I guess the difficulty is firstly that I feel sorry for her; and secondly that she would have to stay here till another carer was found.; and that could be awkward - I do not have the strength to deal with that at the moment.

I am pretty fed up with the agency as getting the 2 carers we have had was a nightmare - they took it right up to the wire to get the second (this) carer for a handover in spite of me ringing and ringing and saying they needed to get on the case and send us some profiles so we would have some choice. They did not come up with any options until 2 days before the changeover and that left us little choice. This is going to keep happening at every changeover and it is just too stressful.

It is a national agency and I think they just act as a conduit - they do not get involved in training or anything.

What I have done is to send them 2 weeks notice, as I am obliged to do, and have asked a local agency to call in and make an assessment. I suspect it will cost me a bit more, but at least we will get to meet the carers face-to-face rather than online and via the phone. The local agency does do lots of training and their base is literally just down the road so I will feel I can keep tabs on things.

It is such a minefield at a time when it would be great if things were simple.

Thanks for all your thoughts and ideas. They are much appreciated.

No matter how sorry we feel for this woman, it's really not your problem, Luckygirl. She's there to help solve your difficulties, not add to them. You shouldn't be the one to 'mend' her so inform the agency it's not working out and you want someone new.

I do agree with everyone who thinks that you need to change your carer. My mum has careers and has no trouble at all telling the agency if she isn’t happy with a particular person. She is 101 next week, so if she can do it so can you lucky ? You aren’t a saint and will not get in with everyone, it simply doesn’t happen.

Just say that she has failed to engage in building a professional relationship/raport.

You need to get her out of your home. It shouldnt be like this. You are being too kind for even hesitating x

Tell the agency that she is not acceptable, that the care she is providing is well below what you consider an acceptable standard and please will they find a replacement carer pdq. Then thank her for her services and show her the door, although in this case you will probably need to open it for her and usher her out.

She doesn't sound at all well or suitable. So sorry, there must be somebody better.....a local lady...old school advert in a window?

Sounds like the lady has problems of her own and this type of job gives her a roof over her head. Although this may sound harsh, you are not a social service Luckygirl You are paying the agency a lot of money for the best care for Mr Lucky and this is not it. You need to speak to the agency and get someone more suitable. Your concern for the carer does you credit but Mr Lucky's needs must take precedence.

I know a couple of ladies who work as live in carers. They mostly do temporary placements but I was so impressed with them. They were so cheerful and capable. The agency they work for seem to have a rigorous matching procedure. However, the ladies are happy enough to do temp cover work. I suspect that recruitment is a big problem. The lady you have won't get to keep the £800. The agency will take their cut.

What does your contract say? That's the basis for everything isn't it? If nothing else it gives you a basis to amend it for the next carer?

Luckygirl
First of all I have to say that it feels odd using your GN name with all the crap that your having to endure.
I can't remember if you've told us how/where you found the agency. Something isn't right here ( stating the bleeden obvious) because she had an interview? where one assumes she 'communicated' with the interviewer?
I notice that she managed to communicate that she had no other home other than the one where she's working
For me there would be no if/buts. You are paying this agency a lot of money

Cross posted with EllanVannin - snap!

Its almost as if you are her carer in a way, she sounds unable to function "normally"

But you are paying £800

I would try private. People still use The Lady for jobs like that.

You could end up looking after her too !

Are you having to cook for her?

Believe me I have been the epitome of kindness and I have done all I can; and I too feel sorry for her. I hope she does not sense my "disapproval" - I do not disapprove of her; I just know she is not cut out for this kind of work and that we have to do what is right for us here as we are paying through the nose. One of the aims of the live-in care was so that I could go out secure in the knowledge that he was happy and well-looked-after - I go out with a bad conscience with this lady here.

A carer is supposed to try and establish some sort of relationship with their "patient" - just wiping their bum is not sufficient.

The closed curtains are just weird - there is no sun on that side of the house. She just sits on the dark.

English is her first language. She is early 40s.

Everyone who comes into the house gives me weird looks as if to say what the heck - and more than one has made a similar assumption that she has Asperger's. This is not her fault and must be a huge burden for the poor woman - but I do think that some social skills are needed when working with people - especially vulnerable people.

Oh dear!
We all hoped that it would be promising, but this behaviour is odd.

I can understand that she doesn't want to get too close and let emotions take over, that she has to do her job in a fairly clinical fashion, but this is not really 'caring'. She sounds as if she has chosen the wrong profession.

I suppose someone who does have a home, a family, may not be looking for this type of work. It must be disconcerting, though, to have to share your home with someone like that.

I agree with Jura - perhaps she feels she shouldn't invade your space and perhaps she doesn't want to force her company on Mr Lucky unless he's specifically requested it?
Perhaps she's nervous and shy - you don't say how old or experienced she is, but could she feel a little intimidated?

Perhaps no-one at the agency spelled out to her that she'd be expected to take the initiative in suggesting things like a game of Scrabble, rather than just responding to the buzzer?

She sounds incredibly shy to me, and completely lacking in self confidence. Is English her second language? She will sense your disapproval and hide away even more. Fear of wasps is incredibly common, and if she feels uncomfortable in the sun, that is why she keeps her blind down and doesn't want to go out.

I know she is not the sort of carer you were hoping for, perhaps a bright, chatty soul to share cups of tea and a natter with, and perhaps you need to stress your needs to the agency. But the agency telling her she has been rejected again is not going to help her have the confidence to help someone else. Have you actually taken her a drink and piece of cake and really tried kindly to find out what she thinks her role is, and to explain what you were hoping for, and discuss how you could move from one to the other?

My heart goes out to her, she must be so unhappy.

I'd want to know why she didn't have a home.

Oh dear. That's very sad for all of you.

She does not go outside - therefore does not take OH out. She is frightened of wasps and does not like the sun. I understand that she does not want to be in the way, but this is pathological - she does not make eye-contact, nor attempt to interact with OH - hey Mr Luckygirl, why don't we go outside in your wheelchair/play a game of scrabble/have a chat/watch a programme together - anything at all really instead of hiding away all the time.

Her first night here she planned to give OH a yoghurt- just the one! - for his tea.

She takes no initiative at all - struggles with cooking - just about manages something on toast for OH. But above all she does not communicate! It is not possible to discuss these things with her as she just looks at the floor when you try to initiate a conversation.

She has no home poor girl and goes from one placement to another - her whole life is in one suitcase - quite literally, she told me so.

I think we would be better served with someone who is normal, much as I sympathise with her difficulties.

Oh no! A live-in carer is much more than just that, you'd want more than just the functional element, I'd have thought.

better to find a new carer / agency that you are happy with, I mean this is a service you are paying for, better tofind someone more suitable