Isolation

I go to church too and have found the same. I have met some wonderful accepting inclusive women and about a dozen of us meet every week to study and talk about deep things, but we also socialise and have a lot of fun together. Starting a book club in your street can be great as it only requires meeting once every 4-6 weeks but is something interesting to look forward to.
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman was our latest book all about loneliness. Would thoroughly recommend.

Choose your mood.
Seriously, every morning you get the opportunity to be as happy or miserable as you choose to be.
If you struggle with being happy, fake it till you make it.
Negative behaviour and thought patterns are often the result of 'habit'.
Being positive, even when life does not feel 'fair' attracts others and usually leaves both parties happier with their lot in life.
Being negative really has the effect of putting other people off.
A gratitude list can help.

I have always felt 'out of the loop' but I realise after all these years that I don't need to be in the loop. I'm happy being me.

I read recently that being (and feeling) happy is about feeling loved. If you don’t feel loved, you won’t feel happy. It seemed to make sense. I am quite comfortable with my own company, and, living as I do in a fairly isolated place, often don’t see anybody other than DH for days at a time. My family live on the other side of the country, but although I only see them four times a year, I know they love me and so I feel loved and am perfectly content and happy

As someone who's suffered from anxiety and depression in the past, I'm wondering whether you have a touch of either. Only because you sound as though you really don't want to be like this. My sister is happy enough to spend all her free time at home with her hubby. She might pop to town once a month with me, but that's it. I on the other hand have come to need to spend an occasional hour or so with friends or work colleagues, although I'm perfectly happy with my husband. I suffered from agoraphobia for 2 years, so now I cherish any time I can get out of the house. I hope that you can find some happiness within yourself soon.

i note you say you still work full-time, in the NHS.
well that is a boon, despite your feeling more tired, naturally.
I suggest that you try to get out, walk around the building at lunch time. even if you don't fancy it, being tired, just slumping, if you have a sedentary job, or even if you don't, a little exercise, preferably outside, can help lift mood and energy levels. also helps with general fitness.

I'm very similar. I avoid social interactions as much as I can. I'm happier at home with reading and art. I've often wondered if I've just not met the people who I just click with. Over the years I've been forced out more because of having children. However I still only really talk to two/ three others.
Passing conversation with a stranger can sometimes be interesting, however, generally not fulfilling.
Maybe a local book club or art group could be a good place to start or a walking group.
Good luck. X

Hi there, your description of yourself makes me think that like me you are an introvert. I have always felt different and up until recently thought there was something wrong with me. I think you perhaps need short bursts of company! I volunteer 2 mornings a week and meet my sister once a week. I find that this is enough to keep me from isolating myself too much. I have also joined a Facebook group for introverted people so can chat online if I want to. I cannot cope with relationships which get too close, except with my children and grandchildren of course! Just accept who you are and find something regular to do, volunteering is great and you will make friends as most volunteers are our age.

I too, am a loner, and have been all of my life. As a child, I found it hard to make friends, and still do. Having been widowed twice, I know all about being alone. When first widowed, I was still working and didn't see or speak to anyone after I left work on Friday, until the following Monday morning! I have family to a degree - rarely seen and miles away. I re-married after fifteen years and my "new" husband also passed away after 6 years of marriage. I married again after four years, and my hubby is the opposite of me. He loves people, and he's a real chatterbox. He knows that I prefer peace and quiet, having had so much of it, I guess, and often apologises for talking all the time! We have two cats and would have a dog if we could walk it, but neither of us can manage a good walk, these days. Yes, an animal will limit you, if you enjoy lots of holidays - but a house is never empty with an animal in it! They are such good company. When you walk a dog, other people will stop and talk to you, too. Perhaps an option to consider? p.s. I've tried getting my cats to walk on a lead, but they don't care for the idea!

Annishere. What a beautiful person you are, so honest with yourself. There are so many false people in the world and many playing a part.
Please enjoy being you. There are many like you, but they hide their feelings, are often not as they appear when you 'dig a little deeper'

I too have always been a bit of a loner. It began when I got married, 2 weeks after the wedding we moved to Germany. Then for the next 5 years we moved around Europe with my husband's job. During most of this time I was alone for at least 12 hours a day. I then had children; husband still travelled. I stayed behind. Now he works from home and we have grandchildren. This is my life. I learnt to do everything on my own and got use to it,

However, this last year I have felt very lonely, I think it's because we do not share the joy of our life. I still go out and do my own thing but lately just can't seem to get motivated and have to really make an effort. I feel I have loss my mojo.

I guess I am fed of doing everything on my own and feel I have never had a real buddy to confide in, my husband doesn't talk much as his deafness is getting worse even though we have sought medical help etc.
I don't know if its this election, Christmas, winter of long dark days or what, that's brought this to the surface. I just hope the feeling passes as quickly as it appeared.
Sorry not much help but just to say it happens to the best of us and you are not on your own.

I have read this with interest. I am soon to retire and realize that I should get out and about once not working. I am not naturally a social person but I know I am a good conversationalist. I don't like crowds of people. I live a long way from old friends now and do miss them. I have talked to done one at local primary school and I am going to volunteer there. This will be the start. I am making myself do this though. I am quite happy sitting at home sewing... I must not veggitate though. That would be a downward spiral. I will take on board suggestions above. X

Sagga - I’m not sure that I agree with you that most people are solipsistic at heart (had to look up what the word meant ...). Whilst we all have a ‘framework’ of ideas and beliefs, it is an important part of life to share and develop those - whatever the vehicle for doing so and at whatever depth. It is such an important part of understanding the commonalities of humanity, and the inevitable suffering we all experience as part of the human condition. That’s why things like Gransnet are so important. Even if you don’t contribute much, it’s such a powerful force for the good (most of the time..) to be able to reach out to others and share our experiences. I’ve learned such a lot from these pages and the posts and am really grateful.

Big difference in being a loner and being isolated.

I was never a loner but was content in my own company too.

Because of family circumstances I chose to step back from
being involved with people , this has led to isolation which means not seeing anyone with the exception of the Tesco
delivery man and the postman, an occasional visit from a
physiotherapist and my younger granddaughter about once a month.

This began as a choice .

Im a bit of a loner, would not say I am the easiest to get on with. As I have got older, I find many people hard work. Everyone is quite self absorbed and most folk go on AND on about themselves, their achievements, how brilliant their family are. Im quite happy to retreat into my books and stay there. I do go out. Like you can't be bothered with alot of functions but don't mind attending the odd one here or there. Go with what you are happy doing.

Is drinking or smoking really necessary? I am a life-long non-smoker and rarely ever meet anyone who does now, nor am I much of a drinker - an occasional glass of red wine or cider with a meal but not otherwise.

I think the main thing is that you have to make your self join in with things rather than just join and do nothing just tag along. When I join something I get involved and because, I always help with the catering or produce the newsletter, or run something you become part of the organisation and make links.

I could have written almost the same post. I dont drink or smoke and find this limiting. I want to have fun outings but doing everything alone is not much fun.
Watching this thread with interest

I am not sure that if mixing with your usual crowd makes you unhappy , perhaps it's time for a change is the problem. It is just some of us are just quite happy on our own and somehow either do not have the social skills, or instinctively withdraw from social contexts, which means that making lasting social relationships is difficult. Others have these skills in abundance

I am always fascinated by my DS and DDiL, they are part of a huge social network and have a significant number of close friends. Visiting them, there is a constant flow of people in and out the house, phone calls and texts. DD on the other hand, is like me, but possible even more self contained, she decided marriage and children were not for her, because she could not cope with living with anyone full time.

I am convinced from observing my own friends and family that this is something one is born with and that there is a genetic base to it. But as with everything nurture and circumstances affect what nature has put there. My childhood: no contact with other children until I started school and the peripatetic education and constant house moves that used to go with a father in the forces was not helpful for some one who is self contained.

However I think most of us loners do recognise that contact with other people is essential for our mental and physical health, but making and keeping those contacts is not always easy. It is too easy to just go home and potter around, but if you make the effort it is usually worthwhile.

Omega, I think one has to be a believer to go to church .

LuckyFour, your advice is practical and achievable. But probably only for people whop have cars and can drive to the NT property, and also those who can climb stairs and are not deaf. I would like to have taken your advice when I was younger.

Do you think you could be agoraphobic? I have felt the same as you for the last 20 years, I force myself to go to a few social events with friends and family, but would rather be at home and never want to stay out long. I also envy people who enjoy jumping on planes to exotic places, or people who look forward to parties, concerts and days out or weekends away. I want to feel that excitement for life and not feel isolated and lonely. I was recently diagnosed with Panic Disorder, which came as a great shock to me. I've started ENDR therapy ....just a thought as sometimes there's a reason for the way we are, why we feel like isolating ourselves. All the best

I go to church. Its an easy way to meet lovely people who will accept you as you are and there are lots of activities which you can join in or not, nobody minds. Its a very good safe place to make friends and you go there every week if you wish and it only lasts about an hour so that could lbe just enough to brighten up your life. I am going to a fellowship meeting this afternoon which is a talk about an interesting subject, not religeon, by one of our members and I am going with a friend I met at church.

I think life is just a series of moments and short encounters.... all strung together. People come in and out of our lives ...we have interesting and NOT so intersecting conversations .....interactions and then they are gone. I even include family in this. We are all solipsistic.... at heart.

As I often say to others, one of the best things I did when I retired was go along to my nearest National Trust house and offer to do a day a week. You can get involved as little or as much as you want. You can chat to visitors or not if you don't want to, but when you have some knowledge about a place it always feels good telling others about it. And you have something in common with the other volunteers. Some people I work with on my day are chatty and others say very little, but everyone is included and you can be yourself. If you don't like it you can leave, but you may love it as I do!

I think a lot of people put on a front about how they actually feel . Those who are smiley , bubbly and laughing in public are just as unhappy in doors . I am quite happy with my own company although I still have a husband . If mixing with your usual crowd makes you unhappy , perhaps it's time for a change . Have you ever thought of going on a coach holiday it gives you something to look forward to . If you don't like the people you meet you don't have to see them again . You never know you could end up going on several a year .

oh wow.. it so helps me to come here and read about some of your lives. thankyou so much for sharing.