Bringing husband home after a lengthy stay in hospital

If he was to come home your home should be assessed and equipped with aids to assist care oh your DJ, and that should happen before he is discharged.

I think we all want to do our best for our DH but you also have to think of yourself and your own health. It seems to me that both of you would be better off if your DH went into a care home. The pandemic won’t last forever and you will be able to visit him and you will also be able to maintain your own health. Over the years I have seen many friends worn out by trying to care for their partner at home. Social services wanted my father to come home when he had just developed vascular dementia. Thankfully, and i mean this, he still had the wherewithal to say that he wanted to go into a home. He lived there for over 8 years and rapidly became a person who needed constant nursing and attention. My mother’s life would have been untenable. I know you feel guilty about even considering placing your DH in a home, but do think very carefully what your life will be like if you bring home. I would say that unless you can afford a full time live in carer you already know the answer. And please don’t listen to those people who say “I would never do that’ because they don’t know what they are talking about.
I know that my DH would not be able to care for me if I were seriously ill and I have already told my DC who hold PoA that if the situation arises they should put me into a home.

The advice given is good but making such a decision without having seen your DH for so long is very hard. Has he not been offered a few weeks at a rehabilitation unit where he will get input from therapists and assessment as to his needs and abilities.
There will be occupational therapists and physiotherapists at the hospital who will have assessed your dh, He will also have a care manager:social worker based at the hospital, or might be an idea to contact them on Monday to discuss,
He has had a long stay and just to be brought home without you knowing what might be required is not really fair on him
or right for you. It’s a tough decision which you are being asked to make on the dark.

My husband and I are in our late seventies. There are places at a local nursing home including a ground floor room where we could have an indoor/outdoor visit. He wants to come home but can I cope?

If you do decide on a nursing home and his condition improves he could then come home. Just look on it as progression from hospital to get him well enough to do so.

A very difficult and heartbreaking decision.
My late much loved father moved in with me when my mother died. He had vascular dementia. For the first year it was fine,carers came in to help him dress etc which I felt was nicer for him. Then he was unwell and spent over two months in hospital. When he came out he had lost his mobility and his dementia had worsened.
This was the end of 2015 and social care was already struggling. As I have always worked in care I had the experience to support with hoisting etc. My lounge was turned into a bedroom with hoists and a commode and a hospital bed. I would be up at 6.30am to make sure everything was ready for the carers. We would wash and dress dad and hoist him into a recliner chair for breakfast. After lunch carers would come back so we could hoist him on to the bed for a change of position/rest. At tea time they would return and we would host him back into the chair for evening. Around 9.pm carers returned and we would get dad ready for bed. I slept on sofa as although we had a sensor mat his dementia meant he forgot he couldnt walk/mobilise. My me time was a 20 minute shower every other day. We were allowed so many free hours when a carer who knew dad would sit with him so I could go out,but it was limited. I was lucky in that his care company were excellent and provided a core group of carers so we worked well together and got into a good routine. It wasnt unexpected as he had been very unwell but Dad died after being at home for 3 months. I dont regret and would do it again in a heartbeat. That said I was in my mid 50s and with a lot of experience of care and the care system and by the end I was on my knees.
That was in 2015/16 under current conditions I dread to think what is available with regards to social/home care.
So much depends on your personal circumstances and how much support your husband needs both now and in the future.
How accessible is your home for your husband? Will you be using the services of a local council or can you afford private carers? Carers have specific time slots ,will you be able to support your husband if he needs help at other times? It will be isolating. Good friends will support you and visit,some feel awkward or uncomfortable.
I'm assuming some things havent changed and before your husband is discharged a care and support package should be in place including an assessment for you as a carer.
Due to current restrictions it must be very difficult for you to have an accurate picture of how your husband is ,and also how you both relate to each other. Does he have the capacity to be part of the decision?
Whatever you decide will be so hard,and there will be guilt. For a while I felt guilty that I had not done enough or my exhaustion showed.
Everyone is different. Dont be hard on yourself if you dont feel you would be able to cope. Family can be supportive but you are the one who is there 24/7. There are some wonderful care homes out there and dedicated carers. Make sure you check the CQC report.
I wish you all the best and hope it works out well. It's a difficult decision at the best of times but the complexities of Covid have made it more so.?

Excellent advice from annsixty, wishing you all the best OP x

Very difficult decision. Would it work for him to go to a nearby nursing home for 4-6 months in the hope that restrictions will have lifted and the situation can be reviewed. I don’t know how reliable home help is likely to be and you might struggle if the staff don’t arrive.

Possibly a nursing home might agree to him having a ground floor room where you can at least see him through the window.

What strange times these are.

A wise and kind post Annsixty. These decisions are heart breaking Macgran43. I was thinking of what I wanted to say to you when I saw Annsixty's post. My best wishes to you as you think through yours and your dh's future

I hope you will think this through very carefully and not let your heart rule your head.
First things first, how old are you?
Will it ruin your own health looking after him?
The carers will only be there for a very small part of the day.
Will you come to resent him if you never get out of the house, never see anyone?
Are you prepared for getting up in the night to attend to his needs?
You love him very much and want to carry out the vows you made.
Sometimes that is best done by letting others do their job and you spend quality time with him, visiting every day, taking him out for a walk, a coffee together, maybe lunch.
Please consider what is best for both of you, not just him.
Do not let me put you off if you are confident you can do all these things, but, think long term and not the immediate future,
My sincerest best wishes in your decision.