Dementia - advice please

My father was diagnosed with Dementia June 2020. The Consultant in charge of my Dad told us never to correct what he has to say...go with it. Try to be in their world not yours.

Just go along with it, don’t correct her, there’s no point, will only confuse her,

In a hotel, I meant - dhurr...

Re people who thinks they’re living in a nursing home, one lady at my mother’s care home went one better - she thought she was running a boarding house. She once told me that so-and-so still owed her for last week’s rent - £9! She was relatively cheerful about it though.

My mother (then over 90) once told me she was sick of this job and was going to look for another. I never did hear what the actual job was, though.

@Callistemon, the person may still recognise you even if they have forgotten the relationship. After my mother had forgotten that I was her daughter (I’d also been her sister fairly often - the one she didn’t really get on with!) I was just a ‘nice lady’ who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate, but she was still (usually) pleased to see me.

Merylstreep I don’t think I have ever read a comment about dementia that sums it up as well as you did in your post 10.12.33. Excellent advice.

My younger sister aged 67 has been diagnosed with dementia, I talk to her on Skype every day, she lives alone in Manchester but has a carer going in and taking her shopping each morning, her daughter lives nearby.
Some days she’s fine and other days quite confused. I wanted to ask her to come and live with us when she was first diagnosed but Orlin put his foot down based on past experience with my mother.
My sister is a very passive soul and just takes whatever is dealt. My niece is trying to find a suitable home for her before her memory deteriorates further and she becomes more vulnerable.
Our mother had dementia at 67, she was a very aggressive woman and a different kettle of fish.
I looked after my mother and visited her weekly for the many years she was in a home in spite of our total dislike of each other and long after she no longer knew me. My sister, always the golden child visited annually if that.
I learnt from experience with my mothers illness that it was less distressing for us both to be in her world whatever that happened to be at the time.
It’s a horrid illness.

kittylester I was very lucky to have access to a series of free seminars called Memory Matters when Mum was diagnosed, the bookcase was used as part of one session.

We had to learn this the hard way, but it’s usually no earthly use trying to correct or reason with someone with dementia. You just have to go along with whatever it is, as far as possible, or tactfully change the subject if you can, but this can be easier said than done if the person has some ‘bee’ furiously buzzing in their bonnet.

E.g. my mother once got it into her head that her sister (who thankfully she never saw) had ‘stolen’ their mother’s house. At first I tried gently correcting her, but she’d just get really angry and accuse me of being ‘in league with’ my poor aunt.

So in the end (this ‘bee’ went on a long time) I just started saying, ‘Dear me, that’s awful, I had no idea - I’ll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow.’

In other words, anything to pacify her for the moment. Because her short term memory was so bad, she never remembered that I’d said much the same before.

You do develop strategies for this sort of thing, but they can be extremely disconcerting at first.
All the best.

Many thanks for all the advice and support here. I am not particularly close to this ex sister-in-law. Unfortunately, when her marriage to my brother broke down (entirely his fault), she behaved badly in that she stopped all communication between my parents and their g.children. Broke their hearts. I can still remember seeing the notice of the eldest girls wedding in a newspaper, and taking my parents to sit in the public gallery of the synagogue to watch their eldest g.child walk down the aisle.

They were not invited to the g.sons barmitzvah - (resulting some years later of me persuading my eldest boy to become barmitzvah - strange in a strongly atheistic family). He understood and his g.parents were so very happy.

However as soon as my niece was married she started to visit her g.parents and I have had a strong relationship with her ever since. I have always been invited to all their family occasions and they to ours.

I have seen her Mother over past years at my twice yearly visits to my niece, and we have got on pretty well. The problems were all many decades ago.

So when my niece (now, herself a g.parent) asked me to telephone her Mum in the home, I happily agreed to do so. The first time, was no problem and we chatted quite well. Does seem to have been serious deteriorating now - perhaps Lockdown is part of the problem. She did know who I was, although (I heard today), that when one of her gdaughters phoned her in the afternoon, she did say she had received a telephone call from someone that morning, but could not remember from whom.

I now understand far more about this condition, and also know not to try to correct anything as it could lead to more confusion and stress. Just seemed so strange to me when she told me my brother was not well - I know she was referring to her second husband of some forty years - but it was still a jolt to me as my brother has been dead for some 15 years.

Thanks to everyone, do love how we can so quickly get some good advice on virtually any subject on Gnet.

Now I am blushing.

I know the theory but walking the walk is so difficult and carers are only human.

Gosh Kitty, don't be sorry (or blush). You're brilliant!

Sorry, I am a bit evangelical.

I knew that you'd come up with the business Kitty!

I think they are callistemon. Someone with dementia needs all the clues they can get. The upside is that, generally, the person will be pleased with any interaction even if they are not sure who they are talking to.

I presume most people caring for someone with dementia knows the power of music! There is a really good online Dementia Radio from the BBC where you can choose the era. Or so I believe.

My late mother in law suffered with dementia , she talked about her mother visiting, a visit from the queen, who was apparently most disrespectful, being very late.
My husband couldn’t bear it, and kept correcting her, the rest of us just went with the flow, which of course had its poignant moments, but was also very funny at times.

Thank you kittylester

I wonder if phone calls are more difficult than actual visits? Not able to give someone a reassuring hug is so upsetting.

I'm worried that my SisIL won't know who we are by the time this lockdown ends

My mother had dementia she had different moods each day when I went to sit with her. Know one tells you what to expect or how to deal with it so it's a learning curve a difficult one.
At first I would finish her sentence off when she forgot what she was about to say. I soon learnt to hold her hand and change the subject to her grandchildren.
She had angry days and I would be verbally and physically attacked. There would be days she would sing and be like her old self. I cannot put into words how I felt at the time.
Dementia turned her into a person I did not recognise it was one of the worse times of my life. My advice remind her of your brother the courting days and marriage. The older memories seem stronger than the more recent ones.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202103/medium-945608-screenshot-20200320-095125-drive.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202103/medium-750514-screenshot-20200320-095117-drive.jpg

The bookcase model of memory

My Mum thought she was in a hotel too, isn’t that odd, seems to be common, but it meant she was settled. I never corrected her and advised other family members to do the same, it’s very hard at times, but less distressing for the person.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-online-community

The link to Talking Point

Exactly what granny23 said. Talking point is brilliant.

I help deliver courses for people caring for someone living with dementia. The advice is to enter their world, not correct and to distract.

You could try googling the Bookcase Model of memory which gives a really good visual illustration of memory loss in dementia.

My elderly Aunt became confused in her last few years. She believed she was living in a hotel, not a nursing home, and as she seemed to be happy we just went along with it. It is better not to correct her, she may become distressed. Just go along with how she is on the day. It was sad to see a once feisty and adventurous lady lose some of herself though.

I have pmd you too, Franbern

Agree with Pinkarolina - also you can try and distract her by changing the subject

Best not to correct her. Just say something like -"I know who you mean. What is the matter with him?

It is good of you to still care about her and keep in touch. Best place for advice on dealing with Dementia is the Alzheimer's Society's Talking Point web site.