Coping after bereavement

NannyDee, don’t be so hard on yourself. I think immediately after bereavement we go into coping mode, arranging the funeral, settling bank details, informing insurance companies, etc. In other words, we get busy. However, once all that has been done we have time to think about our loss, and it all starts to crumble around us. Add to that, of course, the lockdown doesn’t help.
My advice would be to take one day at a time, have a good cry if you must, and then every evening tell yourself that things are getting better. Remember Captain Tom’s mantra ‘Tomorrow will be a good day’.

Take care. It’s early days yet.

am reading a very insightful book on mourning and grief. It is called The New Black by psychoanalyst and author Darian Leader. I understand so much more now and makes me realise how poor we have become in losing our grieving rituals preferring to keep things private and then getting labelled as depressive.

So sorry to hear how you are feeling. A virtual hug from me too. Its such a horrible time to be on your own. I really hope things look up for you soon. Good luck

There is no time limit on grieving and because you apparently coped so well at the beginning, please don't feel that you are a failure.
Grief can become all encompassing and all the things that you have described will be experienced by most people that have lost someone close, at some point in time , be it straight after, six months, a year or even beyond.
Cruse Bereavement Care may be the organisation to contact. They have a helpline on o8o8 808 1677.

Sorry for your loss.
I saw something on 'This Morning' (last week?) whereby the talk was about Mental Health and Phillip Schofield said he has good friends he can talk to and if he is feeling low/needs help it's been arranged that he sends a What's App picture on his phone of a red flag and they then know he needs support and rally around.
I thought this was a good idea.

Thank you for sharing that article Shandy. It's a really good analogy on grief. I lost my husband to another woman several years ago now and the emotions I felt were very much the same as if he had died, in fact I often thought that form of bereavement may have been easier to bare. I would have held onto his love in death rather than experiencing such feelings of loss and betrayal. Once again , thank you.

I'm sorry for your loss NannyDee. I have lost 2 husbands, one to cancer, aged 44, and the next to early onset dementia. This is my experience. At first, you may appear to others to be strong, because you are going through the motions of normal life, but then it sinks in, and, to be honest, I think it is like recovering from a serious illness. You feel exhausted, lethargic, your memory is shot etc. etc. and it seems as though it will always be this way. But gradually, you begin to feel a bit more like yourself and you start to appreciate the little things again. You may catch yourself smiling or laughing at something, and you start to remember some of the good times before the bad times started. This is the road to recovery. You never 'get over' the loss, but the pain gets less and less, and you appreciate what you had. Your life has been better for your relationship and all you had together. This has been a particularly hard time to lose someone, but do not despair, things will get better. Thinking of you.

NannyDee, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t offer any help or advice but I just wanted you to know that by you reaching out like this you may have helped others. My 34 yr old DD lost her partner just before Christmas. She hasn’t had the lifetime of memories that you have, but all her hopes and dreams for the future have been dashed. She doesn’t have children and luckily lives nearby, so has become a bubble with my husband and me. We are very close, but it has been so difficult for me to help her through this, as she says, ‘I don’t know what it’s like’. She is so lonely, and is depressed, COVID restrictions are of course not helping this. She is getting counselling and her employer is being really wonderful ( she is working from home, which isn’t helping her loneliness) allowing her to work whatever hours as and when she feels up to it.
Reading through all of the replies has given me some pointers as to what I might do or say to help her through this terrible time in her life.
I do hope that you very soon begin to learn to live with and accept this new stage in your life, and can look at the past without too much sadness.

I am so sorry to hear of your husband's illness and death.

People grieve in different ways, and what you are describing sounds quite usual to me.

You were strong while your husband was ill, even after you realised he was dying, you coped with his death and funeral and now the reaction is setting in.

If you can make yourself do so, open up to a close friend and explain how you are feeling right now.

It is only natural to be bone tired after the 3 years and 7 months you have just lived through, so tiredness is probably a factor here.

So is the fact that you had been married for 53 years and now have to adapt to being on your own.

Is there any possiblitiy of joining an online group for those coping with bereavement? Talking to others in a similar situation might help.

Obviously, you cannot due to lockdown, go away for a short holiday, or to visit anyone and I am sure you don't have the slightest desire right now to try and take up a new hobby!

To me this doesn't sound like depression, but perhaps your G.P. could have some helpful suggestions. It is certainly worth trying to get a check-up as if you should be anaemic or short of something like vitamin B you will just go on feeling tired.

I do hope you soon feel better, but please try to find some understanding friend who you can tell what you have told us.

I just wanted to send a virtual hug and and sincere condolences for your loss.

NannyDee my husband of forty years, died in June after over two years of having kidney cancer. Like you, everyone kept telling me how strong I was and how well I coped with everything. My sister was such an amazing support. She said I would have good and bad days and reminded me that it was normal to cry and feel lost. She told me to be kind to myself and treat myself to things which made me feel better.
Lockdown made everything so much more difficult but I just took one day at a time and focused on something good even if it was just a call from a friend. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

As several other posters have said, there could hardly be a worse time for coping with the loss of a loved partner, and how hard this must have been for you . Grief does come and go in waves - sometimes triggered by events, memories, even scents and smells can drive us back into tears and achingly painful times. Be kind to yourself - and perhaps at a point when you are feeling a little better, remember that people who love us would never want us to be unhappy. Your DH would want to see you smile, and go on with your life, and I hope that when the time is right you can begin to do that. xx

What wonderful advice, especially from Scribbles. I don't have anything to add but am so grateful to belong to Gransnet. I have learnt so much on subjects that are often difficult to talk about. Thank you Gransnetters.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I joined WAY UP when my husband died, and found talking to other widows/widowers really helped me.

Another thing that really helped me was this Balls in a Jar article. It helped me understand that I would always live with my huge grief.

I didn't find people telling me to 'be strong' comforting at all, it seemed to be a way of telling me they didn't want me to show my grief.

Have a read and try to eat little and often, sleep when you feel like it, and remember to be kind to yourself.

"Ball In A Jar
One day I saw a notice for a talk on helping children through bereavement by Barbara Monroe, the Chief Executive of St Christopher's Hospice in London. When I arrived, what I saw resembled a physics lesson. On the table before her was a very large glass jar. Beside were three balls: one large, one medium-sized, one small. Without a word, she began to stuff the large ball into the jar. With a great deal of effort, she wedged it in. 
'There!' she said. 'That's how grieving feels at first. If grief is the ball and the jar is your world, you can see how the grief fills everything. There is no air to breathe, no space to move around. Every thought, every action reminds you of your loss.' Then she pulled the large ball out of the jar and put in the medium-sized ball. She held it up again, tipping it so the ball rolled around a bit. 'Maybe you think that's how it will feel after a time - say, after the first year. Grieving will no longer fill every bit of space in your life.' Then she rolled the ball out and plopped in the small ball.

'Now, say, by the second or third year, that's how grieving is supposed to feel. Like the ball, it has shrunk. So now you can think of grief as taking up a very small part of your world - it could almost be ignored if you wish to ignore it.' For a moment, considering my own crammed jar, I thought of leaving. 'That's what everyone thinks grieving is like,' the voice continued.

'And it's all rubbish.'

I settled back into my seat. Two other glass jars were produced from under the table: one larger, one very large. 
'Now,' she said, imperiously. 'Regard.' Silently, she took the largest ball and squeezed it slowly into the least of the three jars. It would barely fit. Then she pulled the ball out and placed it in the next larger jar. There was room for it to roll around. Finally, she took it out and dropped it into the largest glass jar. 'There,' she said, in triumph. 'That's what grieving is really like. If your grieving is the ball, like the ball here it doesn't get any bigger or any smaller. It is always the same. But the jar is bigger. If your world is this glass jar, your task is to make your world bigger.' 
'You see,' she continued, 'no-one wants their grief to shrink. It is all they have left of the person who died. But if your world gets larger, then you can keep your grief as it is, but work around it.' Then she turned to us.

'Older people coping with grief often try to keep their world the same. It is a mistake. If I have one thing to say to all of you it is this: make your world larger. Then there will be room in it for your grieving, but your grieving will not take up all the room. This way you can find space to make a new life for yourselves.'

In my experience after being widowed at 53 I found 3 things helped: never refusing an invite for social contact (tricky now I know) and having something to look forward to in the future (also a bit tricky) and plenty of quiet ‘me’ time so my brain could process the death and everything that had happened to us as a family. I also had some Psychotherapy sessions after I hit a brick wall of misery after 5mnths - it really helped me to sleep and cope with my new life. Be kind to yourself NannyDee.

I'm so sorry. Please try not to worry. My sister was exactly like you. She coped really well in the beginning and then went downhill. She was encouraged to seek bereavement counselling and it did help a bit but it takes time. I hope you can get some help and counselling if that's what you want.

NannyDee here’s another virtual hug from someone in the same position. DH died in 2017 a year after his bowel cancer diagnosis. My friends were amazing in supporting me but of course in lockdown the patterns of contact have changed and it’s been very isolating. I cannot imagine how hard it is when the two things come together.
There’s some good advice here, one hour at a time and it’s fine to be sad and cry. Take care of yourself

Do you have a Hospice, Maggie's Centre you can contact. Both usually offer bereavement counselling. At the moment probably will not be face to face but telephone/Zoom. You need to confide in someone who doesn't label you as strong and coping but takes you as a person who list a life partner after the struggle of coping with illness. Do mot shun antidepressants if recommended, they can help "lift" your mood to enable you to cope or deal with the changes in your life. You are grieving, allow yourself to cry; this awful Covid situation has not allowed you any outlet in the normal world but it will soon. Do hope you find a good source of help.

there is a book I can thoroughly recommend its called "You'll get over it, the rage of breavement" by Virginia Ironside" Its not an easy or comforting read in the usual sense of the words but it got me through some bad times.

What does 'strong' mean? That we shouldn't mourn a death even when it impacts so greatly on our life.
They say that it takes at least 12 months to grieve. Think of birthdays, anniversaries and those family events. Every one is poignant in highlighting that someone is missing from our lives.
In the past people, widow's especially, would dress to show they were in mourning, it was seen then as appropriate not as being weak!

Hello NannyDee, Scribbles I think you and I have pm`d in the past..

my husband of 50 years died 16 months ago, I am 84.. combinations?? shrugging shoulders here... I am dismayed that though I would think perhaps I am somewhat "better" I still cry for no apparent reason.
I don`t want to visit doc.. don`t want anti depressants, but that is me..

wondering if we could have a sort of joint p.m? or something.. I have for some time thinking I would like to share, well actually, it helps me if I hear how other people are feeling etc. I am not very good at sharing for myself, that is the way I was brought up, gosh I am learning a lot about my upbringing.

so if anyone wants to p.m. any ideas how we could perhaps have a joint sharing? let me know..

the one thing I do say, is that there should never be any pressure on any of us to respond to emails for example...
I find it very hard to use the phone, and sometimes, email, or write letters... motivation, well lack of it is not good..
hugs all round.

I am so sorry but it’s not a long time at all. I lost my grandmother my favourite person years ago now and I coped until 2 years went by I was putting washing on the line and thought I will never talk to her again. And was so upset for some months. Grieve is tricky and does work to a time frame be kind to yourself.

My heart goes out to you, I can’t imagine how you feel after all those years together. My brain is spinning with loss at present, I’ve lost 4 friends now in just over a year .... a suicide, a hit and run and now 2 have died of cancer. I thought nothing else could possibly go wrong, only to be told last week that my brothers cancer has now returned. I’m just totally numb with it all. My 3 AC are getting me thro all this, their non stop support has been amazing and they certainly give me the strength to work my way thro my pain.

Very sorry I was interrupted message for NannyDee.