Coping after bereavement

Im very much like this when serious accidents or deaths happen
At the time I cope brilliantly and everyone thinks Im ok, but 6-12 months later it's a different story. I was a pillar of strength when my daughter had a serious accident, but a year later had a major breakdown about what had happened. Took me over 9 months to recover.
See your GP for help and maybe counselling. Wish I had done this sooner.

My husband died 3 weeks ago, barely 2 weeks after being told the cancer he’d been fighting for 5 years had spread to his brain. Within 3 days of the news he was bedbound and in less than a week unresponsive. He said throughout his illness that he’d had a great life (retired at 55) had done what he wanted and achieved 70 years last November. We’d come close to losing him through 3 bouts of sepsis over the years, but while he made it through, it made me realize it was ‘when’ and not ‘if’. Of course we are all raw and numb and things may change - but I need to grieve for what he has lost and not what I have. X

My dad died suddenly at 91 . I am fed up with ‘ he had a good innings’ etc . My mum died at 50 and he remarried and ended up looking after second wife until she died ! I still feel alone , could not see him due to covid . He died of cancer . Could not drive miles to see him . No where to stay ! Funeral was a farce . Keeping numbers down , no wake , no food . It was no easier losing a parent of 50 then one of 99 .

My 93 YO mother is in the same position, her husband of over 70 years died in November. She cries every day for him, can’t sleep or eat. I go to see her at least 3 days per week but she misses my father so much it is heartbreaking. She lives in the past now when they were first married and goes over and over what happened when my F died.
Nothing seems to help, she’s starting counselling but I doubt it will help her, it’s quite good for me though as it gives her someone else to talk to.
I think it’s the natural progression of grief but probably takes a year or more to come to terms with the loss. At my mother’s age she may not have that length of time.
She’s been offered antidepressants but declined, however it may help you in the short term as I think they dull the acute symptoms of grief.
Sorry for your loss.

Having been twice widowed myself, I feel for you, NannyDee. As has already been said, there is no set time frame for grieving. We are all different, and it really does take some time to learn how to cope with your loss. You need to do whatever feels right for you, but you must try to take care of yourself. If it helps, talk to your husband (either out loud, or in your head) or write to him to say whatever you are feeling, or just to tell him about your day. I found not having someone to share things with really hard - but you have family and friends to communicate with, if they are helpful, as well as forums such as this one, and there are others especially for bereaved people, as have been mentioned. Planning something you would enjoy is a good idea, even if it's something that can't be done just now. Are there places you and your husband wanted to visit, but didn't get the opportunity to go, for instance? You could go there for him, so that he can see it through your eyes.
Above all, please try to be kind to yourself. Sending you Love and Hugs.

i lost my husband 18 years ago, i had been his carer for 7 years and he died due to a medical mistake, i was only 39, i got through doing everything that had to be done but then it hit me he was not coming back, all my family thought how strong i was...some said it was due to my age....i had a break down, could not eat or sleep, just felt so fed up and wanted more than anything to be with him, i was diagnosed with depression and the tablets did help, i was offered councilling, but it was not for me, i started to keep a diary, it had some very dark days and some happy times, after all this time i still talk to my husband, grief can take a long time, you go from being a busy carer to having nothing, please talk to your doctor or surgery nurse, there is help and it will take time, lots of hugs and take care

It is very early days for you. A few people think there is a set grieving time, there isn’t.
My husband died coming up to five years now, and I can still cry. Allow yourself to, and take each day at a time.
I found it to be a very different grief to losing mum and dad, and until I experienced it first hand could never have imagined that I would never be the same person again.
The restrictions that this pandemic has caused doesn’t help either. I accessed counselling through MacMillan, through HR at work, privately, it really helped me. It’s not for everyone, but we are all different.
I sincerely hope that each day you will find strength by knowing that you were loved, and still are loved by family and friends. Kindest regards.

I lost my husband to cancer 9 years ago, he fought it for 5years, he was only 58,we were together for 33years, we were childhood sweethearts. I miss him so much, I still cry and I am crying now for myself and everyone who has lost a loved one. I think this last year has been, the worse one I have had for a long time. Of course last year I retired so I have basically been alone, luckily I have 2 sons and their partners and 7 grandchildren whom I see from a distance. I think we will all feel a lot better when covid has gone and we return back to normal times.

NannyDee. I completely understand. I lost my younger son 14 months ago and the pain is at times almost unbearable. I am blessed with another son, a good husband and caring friends, but nothing prepares you for such overwhelming grief.

If it helps, I would allow yourself to cry it out at the worst times. I also never pretend to be okay when I’m not. I have had help from a bereavement counsellor and done a course with ataloss.org via Zoom. My doctor has also been kind and supportive and I am slowly easing myself off anti-depressants...the first time in my life I have ever taken them.

I would try hard to allow yourself to take pleasure in small things as I have found it helps. I read a great deal, cook more often, walk in the park on my own and if I cry, then I just let it happen. I’ve always loved nature and Spring reminds me that we live in a beautiful country.

I also send you a virtual hug. Learning to re-structure our lives without someone we love is going to take time and a lot of self-kindness.

You are being too hard on yourself you were married almost as long as I've been alive and have only been widowed for 7months Bereavement is a long slow process and everyone has to get through it at their own speed and in their own way You don't get over it you get through it and gradually adjust Be kind to yourself x

I lost my husband of 51 years 18months ago, after 3 years of his suffering with cancer.
Initially you have the funeral, sorting various things out and throwing yourself into jobs around the house to stop yourself thinking.
I still can’t believe I will never see him again and at times this hurts more than anything but I have so many wonderful memories of our life together and have a daughter and two grandchildren that give me a reason to get up every morning.
I had just started grief counselling at the hospice where he died but the pandemic stopped that. I’m hoping I can restart once we are able to.
I have good days when I feel optimistic and not so good days when I’m angry that I have to go on without him and all the things we planned to do won’t happen.
Talking is the best thing for me. Remembering funny things he did, laughing about them feeling I’m not going to break down all the time when his name is mentioned.
Counselling and talking about him is good for me and I’m sure it would for you NannyDee. You are not alone.

Hi, Sorry I’ve come late to this post and I haven’t read all the helpful replies but I know exactly how you feel . My husband died 3years ago last Christmas Eve, unexpectedly, we were due to attend his daughters funeral (my step daughter), he collapsed that morning and died 6 days later. To cap it all we were miles from home. It took me 4 hours to drive home, but I needed to do it. Anyway, like you friends told me how strong I was but inside I was crumbling. I moved home, and sorted my life out or so I thought. I ended up contacting CRUSE bereavement services. They were amazing. It’s taken me until now to get my head straight and want to start living again. Do seek help. It’s not weak to do so, but it helps so much. God bless. xx

Glad you are feeling a little better today NannyDee. I rang the Samaritans a lot when I was in despair, they were great. It's no wonder we suffer so with grief, it is just love that has nowhere to go.

Thank you all so very much, your words have been a great comfort and there are so many of us in similar positions. Thank you for all the messages, everyone has been so kind. I have had a long chat with my DD and a very good friend which has helped enormously and I also went to my doctor yesterday, really to have my bp checked, but had a chat with her as well. I do feel much better today and I think all the talking has helped. I know I will get bad days but I know I will get through it all. Once again thank you all so much, I appreciate every word.

Just to add I have tried ringing Cruse but they are always so busy I never get put through, but I’ll keep trying if I feel I need to talk.

I lost my husband after 52 years of marriage, three years ago. I still feel the loss greatly. In the end, after going through feelings of grief, anger, sadness, we have to accept that this has happened.

I didn't have counselling but it does get easier as time goes bye. We just have to adopt to a different way of living and thinking.

It's early days yet for you Nanny D.I feel sorry for people now who are recently bereaved.I lost my husband nearly 3 years ago,it was easier then,I could go to places where I could meet people,go on outings to our favourite places,even if it did make me feel sad.But now,there are so many things we can't do.We never really get over losing our loved ones,but it helps if we can rebuild some sort of life,it's been impossible for the past year.

Nannydee, so sorry for your loss. I too lost my DH to cancer three years ago, and coped really well until last summer when the effect of the pandemic really hit me and I went to pieces. I miss him so much, and being in lockdown and not being able to do all my normal activities, see friends and family really sent me over the edge. My GP prescribed anti-depressants, which have helped a bit, and I can cope much better now and am able to think logically, and deal with the dark thoughts. I just get through one day at a time and try to fill my time with activities I enjoy. It's a case of finding what helps you. Hopefully the warmer weather will help.

Hi NannyDee. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I was widowed
15 months ago for the second time and everything you have written sounds so familiar.
We are all different but hold on to the thought that things will improve one day. I am sending you a big hug.

NanyDee - I am a bereavement counsellor and psychotherapist working with a Hospice and a major London hospital with people who have been bereaved during the covid pandemic (not necessarily with covid) and I want to assure you that you are not alone in your grief which is still quite recent, and that you can probably access some help from your local hospice which will have counsellors skilled particularly in the topic of cancer bereavements. You have been grieving for a few years before your husband actually passed away as you were gradually processing the diagnosis of cancer and its likely terminal outcome. Please try to find some bereavement counselling which most hospices provide free irrespective of whether your loved one died on their premises. Friends sometimes think you are 'recovered' because you put on a brave face and forget to ask how you are, and lockdown has put paid to many traditional rituals associated with grieving that would have helped you get in touch with your emotions and accept them as part and parcel of your everyday life. I am sorry you are feeling so wretched - please ask your GP for a counselling referral if you can't get help from your local hospice.

Dear NannyDee - People think you're strong, but even strong people need help and strong usually means you don't let your feelings out. Be honest with your friends, tell them you're not coping very well and you need their help. Bottling up distress is not good for anyone, but especially not in the days we are in when we are all trying to be brave.
Below is a poem of mine. Think about it.

Don’t tell me you are fine
When you're definitely not
you nod and smile
longing to chat.
More than anyone else I talk to my cat –
Even the geese down by the river
Listen
to what I have to say.
I had quite a conversation
this very day
With one who chattered back.
He cocked his head and listened to my candid response
His answer?
Don’t tell me you are fine
when none of us is fine.
we try to pass the days
in many and varied ways
But comes the time
When weariness crosses the line
And yet – we always say we are fine.

My DH died unexpectedly in December, after just 24 hours in hospital. Fortunately, I was able to be with him. I accept that sadness will come and go, probably forever, to varying degrees. To my surprise, the many photographs of him, always smiling, have helped so much. They make me smile (unlike his favourite music, which saddens me), and they remind me of all the happy times. Remind yourself that you gave your DH a happy life, and take comfort from that.

I am so sorry to hear.
It’s grief and please use CRUSE. Phone them when you can.

Please go gently on yourself.
It’s ok to feel what you feel. Very early days. There is also a support group for widows I understand.
Big hug to you. Just take an hour at a time. Take Care

NannyDee, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. My Mum lost my Dad 15 years ago after the same length of time together. I would describe her as strong but the grief is totally aside to being a strong person. It would be impossible to not miss someone after that length of time, even a person with whom you didn’t get on, so 6 months and most of it under our present way of life is no time at all. I think death is like a motorway pile up, after that happens and the cars all come to a stop, it takes a while to assimilate what’s happened. Give yourself that time. One thing I think you should always remember is that eating well and sleeping are healing-better than pills in my opinion which can have side effects. Imagine what your husband would be saying, he’s bound to have wanted you to go forward healthily. If you need quiet time to reflect or cry, go with it. The dust will settle, even if you must then see life differently in future. My best wishes to you, and if you want to write to me here, I will always reply ( actually not sure we can do one to ones, but just in case!)

I'm sorry for your loss NannyDee. I am in a similar position having lost my husband to dementia two years ago. (longer than that in the sense that he was still alive but often didn't know me) When I arranged his funeral the vicar told me that, on average, people grieve for one month for every year they have been together. In my case that was 60 years (we met when I was 14) I pray I don't still feel like crying every day for another three years, and you too NannyDee. My thoughts and prayers are with you but please see your /GP who may be able to help.

Condolences to Nanny Dee and to all the GNers who are dealing with loss Especially at this present time when life is very different and we are denied so much of our usual contact and support.

As others have said Grief is never predictable and affects people in so many different ways that there is no right or wrong and being kind to one's self is one of the best ways to help one's self while In Grief and to find a way Through Grief.

There is something I like to share with people about Medication that I used to use in clinical practice and it's this : Scaffolding. When we are hit hard by trauma we crumble. When we crumble we need Scaffolding.

If your home was hit by a runaway lorry and was shaken and damaged to its foundations but you still had to live in it until it was rebuilt/repaired would you expect to do that without Scaffolding ??? No - Of course not.

You would expect to wrap that building in something strong, made up of different pieces that can be added to if needed, that can be taken down over time as and when rebuild/repairs occur.

We have built our lives with all the pieces of our time with loved ones, things we've done, places we've been and when we get hit by loss it shakes us to our foundations.

When our lives, our heart, our soul, our mind have been HIT by traumatic events (loss of a loved one is such a traumatic event) we need Scaffolding.

Scaffolding to help stabilise our structure until we can figure out how we rebuild/repair - go forward, face tomorrow, deal with today and all those other factors involved in Grieving.

Medication, Anti- Depressants or what the GP thinks might work best Can be part of the "Scaffolding".

Scaffolding (Meds) that holds us along with the support of family and friends, working with a counsellor, crying, getting angry and all the other ways we find to be In Grief then to Get Through Grief.

Or rather to Get Through Grief ENOUGH that we learn to live in a different way.

What I have always wanted is for people to have the freedom from negative messages around Medication.

If it isn't for you' it isn't for you. If you try and it works, great, if you try it and it doesn't at least you tried.

But please look at what Scaffolding you Do Have and what kindness you could do for yourself if you had some more Scaffolding?

Where possible shut the toxic voices in your head off and ask yourself this question:

"Would Medication help Me At This Time?" If it's no, it's no.

Bear in mind that trauma may change the chemicals in our system and Meds may help rebalance our chemicals.

Right now (as others have said) so many of the things that help with grief aren't available. No clubs, or lunches, visitors or visiting, no face to face, no hugs.

We are just as vulnerable to being damaged as a building but it is possible to rebuild/repair with the right supports and skills.

Use everything available that is "Right For You" but most of all be Kind to Yourself.

For the record I have never been a prescribing practitioner.

I am a retired therapist with a belief in team work. Team being client, family, friends, GP, jobs, hobbies, counselling, memories, whatever there is available use it, now more than ever.