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Dementia fear

(18 Posts)
Nannyto3 Fri 30-Apr-21 23:00:36

My 72 year old OH has been showing signs of dementia for a few years; memory loss, confusion, mood swings, difficulty understanding things.
He won’t discuss it (I think he’s very frightened) and became angry on the couple of occasions I suggested seeing the GP.
I mentioned it to the GP myself a couple of years ago and he was called in for a review. I don’t know what happened and as far as I know there’s been no follow up. When I admitted that I’d told the GP, OH had a complete meltdown.
He gets very angry and aggressive with me, but has little contact with anyone else. He relies on me for everything.

What can anyone advise?

tanith Fri 30-Apr-21 23:06:28

Go back to your GP and tell him what you have told us.

Redhead56 Fri 30-Apr-21 23:49:07

I had the same conversation on another thread. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to discuss it. My last resort is what I have just done to tell a good friend who I know my DH trusts. You could do the same. They may get through to your partner better than you. Good luck with that.

Chestnut Fri 30-Apr-21 23:52:39

I agree you cannot tackle this on your own and need professional help. There must be procedures in place for dealing with people who are in denial and won't co-operate, including how to deal with your husband's attitude towards you. I guess someone needs to be found who he will listen to and take advice. A professional should be able to reassure him if he is frightened, help him understand that getting help is the way forward, and that denying it is not going to help him in the long run.

Shandy57 Sat 01-May-21 00:05:54

I am so very sorry, big hugs, I hope your GP will help you both. I stopped in a one way street on the left, outside the hairdresser's today, just as a lady came out of there. I got out and saw her on the passenger side of my car, trying to get in. I just smiled and said I was sure her taxi would be arriving soon, she was scared, I saw her back into the hairdressers to wait.

welbeck Sat 01-May-21 00:07:38

but what is to be gained by trying to get him to see it your way.

stella1949 Sat 01-May-21 05:53:17


but what is to be gained by trying to get him to see it your way.

I agree ^^

I see no point in trying to make him face facts. If he does have dementia ( which it does sound like from your description), making him agree isn't going to serve any purpose. I'd be more likely to have a chat with your GP and to contact someone like Dementia UK for some support. Then you'll have help going forward. Forcing your DH to face up to his bleak future wouldn't make anything better .

BlueBelle Sat 01-May-21 06:42:40

I agree with the last two posters get help from one of the charities that deal solely with Alzheimer’s or dementia your husband probably knows in his heart what is happening and forcing him to face it is hard for him but it is also very hard for you going through this awful time of change for you both and YOU need support
Get as much information as you can so you are aware of what may be happening Dementia / Alzheimer’s follows a particular route of stages with a number of years in each stage obviously it can vary individually but on the whole there are seven stages..... people can stay at the first two stages as normal ageing forgetfulness, losing confidence, etc but once it becomes apparent, it is then a backwards exercise moving in reverse as a baby’s stages move forward
I would imagine when your husband saw the GP maybe he was showing early stages which can stay in the ‘normal aging area’ I m surprise he hasn’t been recalled as if he has moved into first stages he could be on medication which will stall it somewhat often quite successfully
My friend got round it with her husband by booking them
both in for an ‘age wellness’ appointment It was then noted by the GP, and her husband was monitored yearly and has now gone from the normal old age forgetfulness to first stage Alzheimer’s and is on medication, so far it seems to be helping and after a few months his concentration is a little improved He seems slightly calmer although he still asks the same question a number of times and forgets what he is doing they go together weekly to a memory cafe, he plays walking football, and goes for walks with a friend to give her breaks

It has to be as much about YOU as him you will need a lot of support and help over the coming years

Good luck nannyto3 keep talking on here knowing you are not alone is always helpful

Esspee Sat 01-May-21 07:17:27

Of course it is in his best interest to get a diagnosis otherwise he won’t get treatment.
I pushed for my mother to be assessed and as a result she was prescribed what was then a new drug Aricept. It did not reverse the condition but it most certainly halted the decline so she had a much better quality of life in her last years.
That was many years ago so there should be better treatments by now.
Nannyto3 please insist your doctor assess him and he gets as much help as is available. Take care of yourself too. 💐

Izabella Sat 01-May-21 08:34:03

Try looking here for help and support

There is a vast amount of help and advice available please do not be afraid to ask. I myself have early Alzheimer’s and know that denial is not the way forward and facing up to my own personal new reality is enabling and allows plans to be put in place for my future while I still have capacity.

One of the most profound statements I have read on the forums states that in cases of denial it is important for carers to do what the individual NEEDS rather than WANTS. I am
Not suggesting you have to do this but merely wish to give you food for thought.

Stay strong. Please keep posting and let us k ow how things go

M0nica Sat 01-May-21 09:37:16

The OP needs to know what she is dealing with. A diagnosis may not help her DH, it is essential she knows either way.

You also need a diagnosis so that he is registered on the system, that doctors and health professionals know he has it and that you can get the benefits you ar entitled to.

If you do not already have Powers of Attorney, set them up, before any diagnosis, for both of you.

And contact all those groups others have indicated, they are a mine of information and support.

Nannyto3 Sat 01-May-21 21:06:26

Thank you for all your advice and suggestions

kittylester Sat 01-May-21 21:22:07

Contact your local Alzheimer's Society - they are brilliant as far as advice is concerned.

Although it is good to get Power of Attorneys in place, getting a diagnosis before doing so isn't vital as it doesnt mean a person has lost capacity.

Liz46 Sat 01-May-21 21:30:16

MOnicas's advice is good. I don't know what I would have done when my mother got dementia if she had not signed a Power of Attorney.

kittylester Sun 02-May-21 07:50:45

A diagnosis of dementia does not also mean that there is an immediate loss of capacity.

As I said, PoAs are a necessity (for everyone) obviously, but the diagnosis is more important in case there is any medication which might slow the progression of the awful disease

Nannatwiglet Sun 02-May-21 09:24:57

I have found myself in the position of having a 74 yr old husband in the early stages of this horrible disease.

I know exactly what you mean Nannyto3...but when I approached our GP, she didn’t offer me any help. She said she could do nothing until HE realised he had a problem and was willing to discuss it with her.
He missed out on his yearly health check-as a result of the surgery being busy with Covid which would have been a good opportunity to bring the matter up.

However, having confided in a good friend, I contacted the Alzheimer’s Society. Their online advice and help has been a lifeline...especially when the going has been tough!

Izabella Tue 04-May-21 16:54:14

nannyto3 you may find this podcast helpful

Grammy57 Wed 05-May-21 18:29:25

Adding my voice a little late but I cannot find the words to encourage you to go back to your GP and refuse to leave until you get help. i won't tell you my story (you got enough going on) but I was where you are now three years ago. I didn't insist on getting help and it did not end well my poor confused hubby was arrested it was all awful. The test of 10/20 questions is a nonsense "quite pointless" the psychiatrist told me way too late. You should have your vaccine so there is no covid reason not to see you. Alzheimer help line is very good, I would call them first and then follow up with GP and keep asking and asking. They will put you off, just insist you are not coping. There is medication that can calm your husband and I believe that is all you want Oh and for him to take them. God bless you and don't give up, please message me and let me know you have succeeded, if you need any help researching please let me know. I am beginning to fear there are a lot of us out there, being left to get on with it. xxx