DAUGHTER IN TROUBLE - how should I approach?

My initial reaction is that you shouldn't mention the possibility that she is drinking.

Take her out for a nice lunch if you can and ask her if she is coping OK or would benefit from counselling or other other help, in a non-pushy way. Offer a listening ear.

She might be glad that the subject has been raised and open up to you. If she clams up and is defensive, then there probably is a problem. In that case I'd have a quiet word with your son in law to say that you feel she isn't coping well.

I see this as a first step, but don't have enough experience to suggest where to go from there.

I’m so sorry you and your daughter have been through so much, we all have different coping levels and abilities and it sounds as if you daughter isn’t coping well with everything she has been through, I agree with everything that Septimia has said but would also like to add that if you or your daughter could afford private counselling rather than wait I think it would be very helpful.
If you look into it it’s not always as expensive as it is thought to be.
You must be going through hell after what you have been through and now watching your daughter hurting so much ?

It’s obviously been a very difficult time for you this last year. You are extremely concerned about your daughter. I agree with everything that Septimia has said tread very carefully your DD must be very down. Give your GC as much love and support as you can too she must be very upset to confide in you. You sound a very kind and caring person hopefully your family can see brighter days to come.

All 3 posts so far have been spot on. I hope she opens up to you but also bear in mind she isn't alone and a lot of people have become dependant on alcohol in the last year, please don't worry about shame xx I'm sorry for all you have been through too

Why not contact Al-Anon, the chairty for the families of alcoholics. Your daughter may not yet reached the addicted stage but they will help anyone.

Here is a link to their Helpline www.al-anonuk.org.uk/helpline/

There is also Drinkaware. www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/alcohol-support-services, which also offers help and advice for people in your situation.

You have had a really difficult time Grammy I'm so sorry about the losses in your life
I agree with others, tread carefully but do offer unconditional support. Some helpful addresses from MOnica people who can help both of you.

I believe in these situations it is best to be honest. Why not mention the alcohol as well as asking her how she is coping? Why pretend that it isn't an issue?
It must be so hard for you- how are you managing all the loss?
I have 2 AC who have stopped drinking due to alcoholism. I have a niece who is dying of liver failure. Alcohol is a very easily accessible coping mechanism. If there were less shame and secretiveness to it, perhaps it wouldn't have such potential to ruin lives.

I’m inclined to agree with Westward21. You’re her mum. If you two can’t be honest with each other what hope is there? You don’t have to go in like a bull at a gate. Just take it slowly. Start by asking if she’s ok, because she doesn’t seem herself to you, and you’re worried. She may talk about the alcohol straight away....or need a little coaxing. You know her best. She’s your little girl. It sounds like she needs her mum.

I would tread carefully- if she has an addiction she will only get help when she's ready.
If she's just drinking to ease emotional pain then help with that pain will help. I suggest bereavement counselling which is available free from Cruse, and also she can get support from cancer charities before even touching on the drinking.
Just support her, spend some time with her in a neutral space, send messages and especially keep in touch with your grandchildren.
Most importantly, get some support for yourself. You have had a horrible time too.

Grammy [ flowers]

Grammy what a horrible time you and your daughter have had. Tried to send flowers so sending a hug instead. X

Thank you all for your suggestions. i took the softly softly approach at the weekend and she said she was waiting for counseling. Obviously she is thinking I have enough going on without her adding to my load - i believe we are looking out for each other But I think lunch on our own this week is a great idea, perhaps my raising it again will let her see she is not hiding it. I am concerned there was no smell, it could be she has been given some kind of anti anxiety that is clearly way too strong. Anyway thank you all, I feel reassured I am heading in the right direction now. Thank you all again xx

It sounds as though your daughter isn't coping well after her mastectomy. Breast cancer can leave your feelings in turmoil and she needs some help. There are a lot of cancer organisations and it may be that contacting someone about the cancer, as her treatment wasn't long ago, will help her to open up about her drinking.

I'm so sorry to hear of all the sadness you're carrying at present. It sounds unbearable. Sending flowers and a hug.
Why not invite your lovely girl to an "end of Covid restrictions" lunch with you. Your treat if you can afford it. I don't know much about alcohol, but I do believe it's possible to drink Vodka without a tell tale aroma.
If I need to know what's going on in my married daughter's life, I take her to lunch and the conversation just flows.
I do hope 2021 will get better for you & your dear ones.

It may well be her meds, but won’t she off been on these a while so why just now GC saying why is mum acting weird ?

Also I may be wrong but doesn’t vodka no smell ? Sure I read that somewhere?

What about raising it with her husband?
A quite word to say your worried, that’s if you get on well and think that it would go no further and perhaps he could keep an eye open?

About 10 years after Dunblane I got access to a report on how parents etc were coping.

About half of parents opted for counselling.
The other half helped each other climb out, with, I guess, lots of tea and sympathy.

The counselled half still (after 10 years) relied on counselling.
The tea and sympathy half were living normal lives.

I suggest that you and she get on with climbing out.
You needing her to help you climb out will give her a purpose / help her to be useful & valued.

Here's wishing you both a happy ending.

Oh Grammy, I am thinking of you and hoping things will get easier for you and your daughter.

What a difficult situation.

I don't know what to advise, but I wish you both well, and hope you both find happiness soon. x