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Impact of sons mental health

(22 Posts)
pigsmayfly. Thu 10-Jun-21 18:07:59

My son was diagnosed as bipolar 6 years ago and has since been on a therapy path. Medication has been reduced over a long period of time, currently to nothing. Throughout this time, therapy has brought up problems with his upbringing. Both his father and I are at fault apparently although mainly his father.
Many days are spent with him very sad now. I am contacted for support and can receive a good old telling off for whatever has happened in the past. In truth I’m just a normal Mum who tried her very best in an emotionally difficult first marriage. I always try to be there for my son but I am reaching my limit as to how much criticism I can take. I have had such a difficult week with other rather hurtful problems and I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of whether or not my grown up son lives or dies. Anyone else had this type of experience?

tickingbird Thu 10-Jun-21 18:20:35

Yes pigsmayfly I have and it’s ongoing. It’s my youngest and he’s living at his paternal grans now. He flips between hating me or hating his dad - my ex. Both of us have done everything for him but everyone’s a narcissist according to him. He goes no contact for long periods, tells the most convoluted lies and then denies it all and it’s been going on for years. He has some very good friends that are or have been very loyal to him but even they have had enough. He does have therapy but mental health care in this country is woefully inadequate and it doesn’t last long and only starts up again if his dad or me contact the crisis team.

Occasionally he gets in touch to apologise for “attacking me” (he means blaming me and lying about me to people). He gets tearful but it’s usually when he’s in therapy and the therapist has pointed out that his parents aren’t to blame for the fact he can’t handle money or live on his own. Everything is someone else’s fault. He’s very unhappy but, like you, I am worn down with it and so is his dad.

lavenderzen Thu 10-Jun-21 18:47:16

I am so sorry to read your post pigsmayfly and it resonates with me.

You did your best, as did I, it is all so hurtful and so so wearing. Fortunately, after many years of trying to get help with one of my daughters, we were eventually listened to and she has good support now in a place of safety and I am thankful but the impact is very hard.

All I can say is you must look after yourself, you know that you did your best, you were a young mum I suspect, like me. Mental illness is so difficult and the fall out affects the whole family.

Please take care of yourself, try to take your mind off things, if only for a short while, going for a walk, reading or something similar.

Sending hugs x

pigsmayfly. Thu 10-Jun-21 21:05:55

Lavenderzen and tickingbird I am so glad I posted. Thank you for posting back and allowing me to realise it’s not just me. Bless you both x

Anniebach Thu 10-Jun-21 21:26:13

pigsmayfly was your son calmer when on medication? usually medication and therapy are combined,

May I assure you that with bi polar it is always someone else’s
fault for just about everything. Is your son easier to speak to
when on a high or a low ?

Please hold onto the fact it is his illness which is hurting you not your son x

Fennel Thu 10-Jun-21 21:36:33

Dear pigsmay fly - you're certainly not alone.
my first husband, and father of my 3 lovely children, was ok when we married but became a nightmare in his late 20s.
our younger son followed the same pattern. It broke my heart.
As we got older we all matured and relationanships changed.
Gone their own way but the main thing - we still communicate and meet when we can.
Their Dad died 2 years ago - kidneys worn out by lithium and they all went to his funeral.
Bipolar is an awful thing to have. comes in different forms,

kittypaws49 Fri 11-Jun-21 19:39:50

Bipolar is such a cruel mental disorder. Sadly my son gave up the fight and took his own life just over 2 months ago. He was on and off medication for several years, but the black depression that would keep coming back was too much for him. When he was manic he would turn against his father, their relationship was never that great from his teenage years and beyond. He felt that his father wasn't there for him and he was right about that, but he did love our son very much. I guess the mother-son bond is always stronger anyway.You said Fennel that your first husband died from the long term effects of taking Lithium. This was one of my sons fears , that his medication would shorten his life. In the end, unable to face a life on the see-saw of bipolar, he left us. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers , whether by having it, or living with someone who does. I hope they have a better outcome than we did.

Grandmabatty Fri 11-Jun-21 19:59:23

Kittypaws my sincere condolences for the loss of your son. 💐

Anniebach Fri 11-Jun-21 20:45:05

kittypaws49. I am so sorry and I know the cruelty of bi polar,

sodapop Fri 11-Jun-21 20:49:19

So sorry kittpaws there are no words thanks

crazyH Fri 11-Jun-21 20:55:26

Kittypaws, I am so sorry flowers, and all those who are going through similar xx

tickingbird Fri 11-Jun-21 21:07:13

Kittypaws I am so very sorry to hear of your son’s death and offer my heartfelt condolences. My son attempted suicide 18 months ago. Thankfully he didn’t succeed but it’s a constant worry.

Sending you prayers flowers

Luckygirl Fri 11-Jun-21 21:31:58

kittypaws49 - such a dreadful thing to happen; I am so sorry and send my condolences.

Mental illness is so cruel, and so hard for us all to fully understand.

pigsmayfly - I am sure you can see that you are very much not alone. Those suffering with mental health problems often find someone to blame - always the nearest and dearest. None of us were perfect parents - you cannot take on the responsibility for all that has gone wrong with your son - he is simply ill.

You need to try and protect yourself in all this. You too have the right to live a happy life. It is too much to take all this on; although I do understand why you feel the need to protect him.

I wonder if MIND night be able to help you?

pigsmayfly. Sat 12-Jun-21 07:30:17

Kittypaws49 I am so sorry for your loss. I sincerely hope you have love and support to help you at this time. Sending you love and hugs xx
Thank you to all who posted. I think I’m carrying so much guilt and I’ve never thought before about the illness talking rather than being personally criticised. I’ve been holding myself responsible for a long time and your posts have made me realise that. In addition I have felt responsible for whether he lives or dies. There has been a suicide attempt so I have been left very frightened by that. But your posts have been really helpful and I am going to try thinking a little differently. I’m really grateful to this group. Thank you

Shelflife Sat 12-Jun-21 09:21:20

Sending hugs pigsmayfly.
I have no experience of bipolar.
I am happy to know the lovely caring grans here have given you strength and enabled you to reset your thinking. I sincerely hope you are now begining to step well away from being overwhelmed with responsibility for your son. . Please continue to take courage and strength from those on this thread who have experience of your situation. Thinking of you .

Anniebach Sat 12-Jun-21 09:49:09

pigsmayfly my darling daughter suffered so much with bipolar, I know she loved me, I learned to separate her from the illness, she tried to take her life several times, we talked about it, she said ‘I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live in
this dark place’.

Your son isn’t hurting you, his illness is hurting you

kittypaws49 Sat 12-Jun-21 14:06:11

To all of you who posted with condolences , thank you so much.. No-one should have to experience the loss of their child, and those of us who have know that our son or daughter would never have left us with so much pain if their suffering hadn't been worse.

Anniebach Sat 12-Jun-21 15:31:47

kittypaws so true,

Dee1012 Sat 12-Jun-21 15:52:33

I've cared for / supported my brother for many years.
He was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder a number of years ago, he also has a diagnosis for Borderline personality disorder.
For us, talking therapy created so much pain and anguish, to the extent of a day spent in agony waiting for the police to find him....he'd gone away and taken an overdose. Thankfully the police were wonderful and literally saved his life.

He copes with's not easy but we do it.
Such a dreadful situation and my heart bleeds for him.

Fennel Sun 13-Jun-21 17:09:20

So sad about your son kittypaws - such a cruel illness.
pigs may fly - I know what you mean about blaming yourself .I've been doing that for years but now starting to see all those bad times were more due to the illness.

Whatdayisit Thu 15-Jul-21 06:46:58

My daughter has been labelled/diagnosed with a personality disorder over the last few years after sufferring from MH problems since her teens possibly since birth. I think we stopped searching for signs and resigned ourselves there is no cure or magic wand.
It seemed to come out more after having her son in 2009 or after her brother had a life changing accident or when she got with a man she married it all happened at once. But the self-harming had been going on for longer. Suicide attempts many times in a week till she was sectioned.
In recent years things are quieter or behind closed doors. Living with it i see fresh cuts but say nothing. Don't want to awaken the sleeping giant will deal with what happens when it does. I am only goid for practical support childcare etc as my emotional support brain went missing some time ago.
Having your life robbed because of MH is indescribable to people who don't have experience. But that is living with it.

4 weeks ago out of the blue my husband's son took his own life. No signs of MH problems no notes just utter heartbreak. Such an utter waste.
Shockwaves through families.

mumofmadboys Thu 15-Jul-21 07:05:39

I am so sorry for those who have lost children. Therapists are unlikely to say it is the parents fault. That may be your son's conclusion at that moment of time pigsmayfly but lots of children blame their parents when things go wrong in their lives. It is easier to blame parents rather than taking the responsibility themselves. I am sure you did your best and no parents are perfect. Try not to take his accusations to heart. Hope things improve for him and for you.