Three elderly parents

Well done Maddyone on taking the first steps to look after your self, your own physical and mental health, and that of your DH. Your mother is safe, well looked after, and although my own late Mother was not so demanding, the relief when she went into a care home was enormous. I could sleep at night without worrying about her having a fall, no longer had the tiresome journey to put her phone back on the hook, etc., etc. I bet your Greek Island is getting more and more appealing by the day!

We’ll done Maddy stick to your guns. Make up appointments if needs be, it’ll be better for your mum if your not there all the time anyway. Does she still have the mental capacity to make her own mind up about staying in the home ? Just wondered how you’d managed to persuade her it was for the best.

Good for you fiorentina and we’ll done *madryone. I would ask the manager why they require the POA and don’t rush to get it. Most things can wait a few days, the odd white lie, if it’s easier won’t hurt, just an ‘I forgot, I’ve been busy would do, busy retaining some time for you, so it’s actually true x

I don't really know why the home would need a copy as they could take the details they need. It might just be that it is easier to copy it than note down the appropriate information. They really just need to know who is in place to ensure their bills are paid.

Keep posting if it helps while you get your mum used to the changes and let us know how today goes.

I suppose the home needs to know (officially) who to contact about the payments, if your mother becomes unable to deal with that.

You are the one who really needs to have the document, tho, or banks etc will not allow you to deal with her money.

Maddyone
Try not to worry too much. Once your mum sees that you are determined to not be bullied, she will have to accept the situation.
For your own wellbeing stay strong.
As far as LPA is concerned. I don't think care homes have a right to a copy, especially if it is not one specifically to do with health and well being.
I hope someone can clarify that for you. ?

fiorentina what a difficult time you had, I’m pleased you were able to put yourself first finally. I too find the ‘authorities’ just as difficult as mother is sometimes, and their expectations are that you will run around after your relative. Yesterday, having not visited mother as recommended by others on here, I did call at her flat to collect something she wants, ready to take up to her today. However I received a phone call from Mum in the early evening instructing me to get something else from the flat and take it up with me today. It was the Financial Power of Attorney papers that are held at her flat. Although she was supposed to give it to me, she refused and held on to it herself. Anyway the manager of the home wants a copy of it. I refused to go, saying I’ve already been once and have an optician appointment tomorrow morning. She accused me of being ‘funny’ (difficult) with her twice because I won’t go. This is my mother, she uses passive aggression if I raise any objections to what she wants me to do, which has traditionally worked for her and I have usually complied. Not yesterday evening though, so now I feel nervous about going up to her today.

Additionally does anyone know, does the care home manager have any right to hold a copy of the Financial Power of Attorney? We don’t have the health care one, mother flatly refused to do it. I’d have thought that would have been more relevant to a care home manager.

My heart goes out to you. We have been through more than 10 years of caring for various relatives since our retirement.
Our lives, our plans for the future were all put on the back burner as we supported our family members.
Most of what we did was done willingly and with love and was very much appreciated but one relative was very demanding and difficult.
It got to the stage that I finally had a melt down after another call out, due to another fall on the eve of a short break that DH and had planned.
The paramedics were amazing and sorted me out as well!
Later that day, I had a call from the social worker with a list of things to do. I politely told her I was not in a position to do anything as I was going away. Then I put the phone down.
It seemed to galvanise the authorities and care was organised which made life much easier for us all.
I hope that things ease for you too. As many others have said, you need to care for yourself as well.

It makes us all think and plan that we never put our children through what some of the above posters have been through. Awfully selfish parents - sorry ….

Thank you AGAA4, that is very kind of you. Hopefully we’ll have a great time, we do love the Greek islands.

Maddyone. Have a lovely holiday. You deserve it after all you have been through.

Riverwalk it is not so straight forward as that. The district nurse was unable to replace my dad’s catheter hence the visit to the hospital. It took 8 hours for the paramedics to come and lift my dad off the bathroom floor and 9 hours to come when my mum fell and broke her hip. Meanwhile you have to be there as you are the Careline call.

I'm sorry for those being run-ragged by demanding parents

On a practical note, if catheters need replacing in the middle of the night or someone is stuck in the bath, please call 111 (obviously 999 if an emergency).

Paramedics will lift people off the floor/bath, and District Nurses can replace catheters.

Hi ladies, a massive thank you for responding to my post, it makes me feel that I’m not as selfish as I sometimes feel I am when at times I feel stressed and resentful about the difficult situation that I’m in, and that others are in. I knew there’d be lots of you dealing with this difficult situation, and just at a time when we’re all getting older, and in our case, moving relentlessly towards our seventies. Thank you for all your good advice, I think you’re right, I definitely need to cut down my visits to Mum now she’s settled in her lovely care home. Obviously we will have a lot of work to do now as we sell her sheltered apartment and sort out the things she wants to keep and those which she no longer needs or wants. But when that is finally completed we can settle into an improved way of life.
You are right AGAA4 in that I was very ill with Covid in January, and hospitalised for twelve days. Obviously that knocked the stuffing out of me and at the same time my poor husband was dealing with Mum, also in hospital at the same time after her first fall. She went on to have two more falls and she had Covid as well, but not too badly, she didn’t need any treatment for that. After I returned home, I discovered I had a hospital acquired infection which also made me really poorly, but luckily I could be treated at home for that. Then with my daughter and family suddenly deciding to move abroad for two years, I felt shattered emotionally. I think if it had just been mum I would have coped somewhat better.
With regard to my husband’s parents, I know his brothers have discussed their moving into a care home but at the present, although unable to cope by themselves at home, they have refused. They do have one care visit a day, plus the brothers make one or two visits each day. I feel very sorry for them, but I must recognise that there’s little we can do to change the situation. We hope to make a visit later this year if Covid stays as it is, and we have a little holiday planned to Zakinthos at the end of September. It will be so, so good knowing Mum will be cared for whilst we are away. We’ve always had to rely on our son and his wife to step in when we travelled before Covid, but in fairness, she’s vastly deteriorated since then, especially in the last six months.
Thank you so much for all your good advice, I will certainly put these ideas into practice, and try not to get too emotional again.

Hi Maddy. Please look after yourself now, your mum is being looked after. Ask her to write a list of everything she needs doing then pick it up once or twice a week at most. You’ve been very ill and need to recover.
My mum is only just managing at home, and she has 3 carers a day. She rang me yesterday whilst the carer was there to say why hadn’t I gone over there as she had a letter from the opticians and she couldn’t see it ! I told her to give it to the carer to read, it was just a pamphlet ? I refuse to visit more than twice a week now unless it’s an emergency, but their very good at making everything seem important.
I wish I had the peace of mind in knowing my mum was in a home, instead of being on call 24/ 7 it is making me mentally ill at the moment I feel dreadful . I hope your in laws will agree to a home as well. Then you can begin to relax again. Good luck.

I tried to stretch myself with my mother Maddyone. I finally had to cut back on daily visits because my health was deteriorating. I then realised that mum was quite capable of going for longer. She also became more settled if I came less often. Now she did have Alzheimer's and was 98 when she went into the home, however, I think fewer visits let her get into the routine of the home. I think it was me, not mum, who expect me to carry on as if she was still at home, with all the falls, sorting carers, etc. I made the cut back gradual and let her and the carers know when I was coming next.

Goodness me, that’s an awful lot, Maddyone. I think, as others suggest, you need to cut back on the amount you do for your mother. Visit her once/twice a week. Tell her that if she needs things, you’ll shop for them when you go to the shop yourself but you’re not constantly running back and forth.

Tell her you’ve your IL’s to deal with too, you’re stretched, and that she’s not the only person in the world. She may well sulk or whatever, but deal with that by not engaging with her until she’s in a more reasonable frame of mind.

My own mother is 93, still in her own home and copes pretty well, but always at the back of my mind there’s the question of what might happen.

maddyone I have every sympathy with your situation. When my mum was in her 60’s her own parents had died, she had limited involvement with her grandchildren and her time was her own. I think nowadays many people of our age (especially women) get the short end of the stick when it comes to other people’s expectations. I’m afraid you’re going to have to get tougher with your mum, but I also know that’s easier said than done.

I’ll be 68 at the beginning of September and I care for three elderly parents, am very involved with my grandchildren, have caring responsibilities for a mentally ill relative and I still work (running a small charity for homeless and vulnerable people). All of which I was okay with, but then having been very ill I now really want to shed some of the load and find it’s impossible. The only thing I can do is to reduce my working hours, but finding someone to take over has proved a fruitless exercise and I can’t abandon it.

maddyone I have a friend in a similar situation to yours. She is finding the more she does, the more she is expected to do and the more health professionals call on her to sort out her mother's and in laws needs. It becomes all consuming especially if you are the only family member stepping up to it. Like you she can't switch off from it all and it is dragging her down both mentally and physically. A difficult situation indeed and it could go on for ages until your stamina is completely sapped.

I agree you need to set boundaries, and offer your help on a particular day or two of the week, not being constantly available. You could join a few groups or do some charity work which would give you a good excuse not to be available to the older family members! You shouldn't have to fill the time you would have been looking after your DGC with looking after elderly parents, it isn't the same at all.

I hope you can get things sorted quickly in order to take some of the weight off your shoulders.

You need to take care of yourself maddyone otherwise you won't be able to help at all. You deserve a life of your own as well no need to feel guilty about that. I agree that weekly visits are sufficient unless your mother really is ill.Susan56 had a good idea about using a notebook for the shopping list so you can go at your own convenience.

Maddyone I remember you posting about having covid. You were very ill if I remember correctly.
Your mother is in safe hands and you need to look after yourself. Some old people can be very demanding and I have seen a friend run ragged by her mother, who was over 100.
As we wouldn't give in to unreasonable demands from our children so we shouldn't allow our parents to do this either.
Hope you can find a happy medium with your mother so you are not at her beck and call

maddyone Have your DH's parents been assessed for home care? That would be a start.
His brothers need to tell their parents that they can't cope . Then the brothers need to get things started for an assessment and not just leave it up to the parents to choose to make huge demands on them because they prefer to think they are 'independent'.

I did exactly what you're doing for my elderly mother, 96, except that she was living with me. My stress levels were through the roof. Now she's living with my sibling. I would never, ever go through it again. The constant demands as you describe were the worst of it. I do send my heartfelt sympathy.

I really feel for you madly.My mum’s party trick is to pretend she is seriously ill if we say we are going anywhere.We now don’t tell her until the day before and sometimes not at all, we just call on the mobile.The other thing we have done is take the answer machine off the house phone as we would come home to messages which would send us into a panic.Whwn we called there was invariably nothing wrong.

Could you get a notebook for your mum and say to her jot down anything you may need and I will call you when I am going shopping?

I found it hard to put boundaries in place and to some extent you have to harden yourself emotionally.

You are all very kind, thank you. I’ll try to answer queries.
NotSpaghetti it’s small things really. Go to BonMarche and buy……go to the flat and get…….can you get me birthday cards……..I need more shower gel or……..
It’s just small things really, but she’ll ask me to ‘run errands’ for her about three/four. times a week. All her business correspondence, bank, medical, organisation of service charges, payment of bills, just everything really. I had a text, the manager of the home needs to talk to you about me staying, come at such a time on such a date. Health providers ring me up about her eyes, ears, therapies etc etc I know others have to do all this too, I’m just feeling stressed about it.

JaxJackyI have already decided to cut down my visits, now she’s not alone in her flat, she doesn’t need daily visits. I know she doesn’t agree, but I have to do this otherwise I have no life left (when we did childcare I wouldn’t visit her some days and she accepted that, but without the childcare, she thinks I have nothing else to do.)
My husband’s brothers have discussed the parents going into care, but no progress on that yet. The parents are reluctant at the moment. I know it’s stressing the brothers, I feel for them. One brother had to get his father out of the bath, after he had fallen in backwards whilst having a shave. It was difficult for him, it’s hard to lift an elderly man out of the bath, especially when you’re 67 yourself.

Susan an eight hour round trip to make a visit must be exhausting, but a good idea to take food and get fish and chips on the way back. Glad to hear you’ve booked visits away for a break. We managed a week away in Somerset in July. I left Mum in hospital and she was transferred to the care home whilst we were away. I rang to speak to her the day after her transfer, and she would barely speak to me. Said she was too ill to talk, and wasn’t eating any food. Her floor supervisor carer spoke to us when I rang the home and told us she wasn’t ill (obviously some pain due to broken shoulder) and had eaten all her food.