Three elderly parents

maddy I just meant that it was something else to worry about when your DH feels guilty already. We only had my Mum to worry about, that was enough, your situation, both of you, must be a pull in many directions all at once sometimes. I hope you get a swift SS assessment, we also had a very empathetic mental health nurse who visited Mum at home before she went into care (dementia). It was unknown territory to us and confusing.
Hers hoping you have a peaceful Sunday after your DH has made his calls.

Again, heart goes out to you and I so hope you will find a new care home when the time comes and that the move goes well.

It was my mother-in-law with advanced Alzheimers who died the night before she was due to move. As we lived far away, my sister-in-law dealt with it all, and it was very stressful and time consuming for her- and perhaps even more so as she had never had a good relationship with her.

As said, we made the huge decision to move here to help my own parents, as doing so from far away was just impossible. I was flying back and forth all the time, and had to give up my job as I couldn't keep asking for time off to do so. Our house sale fell through at the last minute, as we were gazumped by a truly horrible man, and it took time to sell again, in the middle of winter. My poor mum died 3 weeks before our move, which was really hard. At least we were there with dad- but he died soon after.

Getting old ain't for sissies, for sure, as my cousin from the USA used to say.

Thanks everyone. JaxJacky that was why I entitled the thread Three Elderly Parents. Although we primarily deal with my mother, my husband’s parents are both 94 as well, and are growing increasingly frail, and are in and out of hospital. Of course, with the situation with Covid these last two years, we haven’t visited, but are in regular (several times each week) touch. My husband’s brothers take care of their parents needs, but this leads to my husband feeling guilty as he’s not there to help. It’s a stressful situation despite not actually being there.
I agree Kali that looking for another home that will be cheaper is not only going to be a challenge, it’s upsetting to myself and my mother. The home simply will not accept any resident unless they have the funds to pay for at least two years. After that, if the LA take over, as I understand it, they pay a lesser amount and so the home wants to ensure it gets the higher amount for that minimum of two years. Hopefully we’ll find a home that doesn’t ask for this. We’ve got breathing space though as Mum can stay there on ‘respite care’ for a while. I don’t know if there’s a limit to that though, we’ll find out on Monday.
I’m sorry you had such a difficult time with your poor mother. It sounds as if it was the kindest thing for her to escape moving homes.
Old age is not kind is it? I don’t think I want to live to that great age.

Having to look for a cheaper home is just so cruel.
It happened with my MIL- and she also had to move care home as her Alzheimers progressed and the care home she was in could not cope.

She died the night before the move- and we often wonder if perhaps she had somehow understood she had to move. We will never understand what happened. But however sad, we were so so grateful she never had to move to the other place, we knew she would hate, even in her terrible state.

I might have missed reading concerning this, but if a person has funding for another 1.5 years, I would have thought they could stay in existing home for another year say. A lot can happen in 18 months, surely some residents aren’t still alive after that time. To me that’s when you should have to look for a cheaper home.

Oh crumbs Maddy, not more… I have no answers, just wishing you both strength. Enjoy your time today with GS, you both deserve a break. x

Oh no Maddy more stress ! Hope your mil makes progress and is out of hospital ASAP. Hope your grandson is keeping you busy ,probably better for your DH to be distracted at the moment ? for you all.

What a time you are both having Maddyone, just a hug from me. I hope you are having a nice time with your grandson

So we’ve just heard that my husband’s 94 year old mother is back in hospital with breathing difficulties again. She’s been in and out of hospital for about a year now. She normally ends up on an antibiotic drip and stays about a week. Then discharge with a care package for six weeks. The care package hasn’t actually finished yet from the last hospital stay. At home she has a very frail 94 year old husband who needs care and meals providing etc. My husband’s brothers do all that but obviously my husband feels guilty that he’s so far away and we haven’t visited for a long time because of Covid. There is much more Covid in their area than our area. I feel sorry for my husband, he’s helping me with my mother and also has the worry of his own elderly and frail parents and the guilt of living so far away. I expect he’ll ring tonight to find our a bit more as we are doing childcare for our nine year old grandson at the moment as his parents have had to go out.

Mil pays £4052 per 4 weeks.
We have worked out she can live there for at least 4 more years.
Awful that it comes down to how long she can stay there.
If she is still alive when her money runs out she would need
to move out of the area as this is the cheapest nursing home.
She is 93 her mind is good but her body is falling apart.
It's so very sad.

You are doing marvellously well maddyone. I'm not where I expected to be at 64 either, living alone in the north in a bungalow with a very elderly cat and dog. When I was younger I used to despise people like me! The callousness of youth.

I need to rethink my own future care needs, I haven't got enough savings for many years at the scary prices but hopefully my bungalow would sell quickly and easily.

Hope you can have a BIG glass of wine tonight.

I’ve just posted on your thread Katy and thank you Shandy and everyone. We have a breathing space at least for now, and we’ll press on with trying to get a SS assessment and finding a cheaper home. I really didn’t think I’d be dealing with all this at 68. It was obviously ridiculous of me, but my own grandparents had all died by 92. In fact my last surviving grandparent died a week after her ninety second birthday. My mother is now going to be 94 in two more weeks. I just never contemplated still being a carer at this stage in my life.

Do keep posting maddyone, and take extra care of yourself.

So sorry to hear there’s more stress Maddy. Agree with everyone else 3 days notice is not fair. And now your poor mum has to get used to somewhere else.
Getting her assessed by ss is the way to go they are the key to all the other services you may need.
Thank you for updating, as you might have seen in my post I’m finding things very difficult at the moment too and this is all a big learning curve for me. The very best of luck

You are so welcome maddyone- so mayn of us have been through similar situations and know just how hard and stressful it is. As said, we felt we had no choice but to upsticks and move to be there for my parents, and sell the family home we so loved.

With those kind of fees though- it does make you wonder if it would not be easier to have a permanent live in help with one or two part-time on hour wage to give that person time off. I mean, over £50.000 per year!

I think people expect far too much of themselves, overdo it, trying to meet their unrealistic expectations - and often make themselves ill.

People are, in general, living so much longer now. We're already elderly ourselves when our parents need care. We just don't have the stamina to deal with it.

The load is usually uneven between siblings too. In my case, my sister (the favourite) went overboard and martyred herself - insisting on visiting daily, running errands and fussing over every little detail - despite Mum being in a care home.

I visited weekly (reluctantly) and dealt with the paperwork. My brother would turn up every few months, do little, and make a great big show of it!

For me and my brother, not being close to (or even fond of) Mum, it was just doing our duty. My sister, guilt ridden, suffered a lot, trying to get things right, or better, when everything was so inadequate. There was no alternative. She couldn't cope at home and would have been unbearable to live with.

maddyone and breathe, good, a bit of time to collect your thoughts. I think, as advised, it’s time for a SS assessment, if nothing else it’s a benchmark on your mother going forward and hopefully some advice and help for you.
You’re not invincible, so any information and support available, with practical plans b, c etc in place may help. Take care of yourself, any time you need to come on and shout, ask for help, then do and feel free to pm me. X

It is stressful Callistemon, and I expect a lot of other families go through this every day. I could do without it though, but as my son would say, it is what it is.

Kali I just want to thank you for the lovely supportive posts all through this difficult time. Until Covid arrived, Mum was reasonably independent. I used to take her shopping once a week, she did her own laundry. She had a cleaner, and we sorted out a lot of her business stuff, after going every time through that rigmarole of her agreeing that we speak for her on the phone. Covid arrived, she managed, we got her shopping and she managed. Later we formed a bubble with her. That’s how I got Covid as she was hospitalised after her first fall, came home with Covid and I got it from her. And then followed the other falls and hospitalisations, and that’s how we arrived here.
I expect people all over the country are dealing with similar problems.

I can appreciate that it is all so stressful, though, maddyone.

Callistemon as you said, crossed posts. The urgency has now evaporated leaving us with breathing space, as she will now be on a two weekly respite care contract.

Shandy the prices are ridiculous aren’t they? If your aunt likes a particular home give them a ring and see if they require sufficient funding for a minimum of two years. Although if she can sell her flat and access the money that way, it shouldn’t be a problem. Mum’s current home charges £1300 a week. We need to find a cheaper one for her.

3 days not e days

X post but I hope your mother can continue to stay there for the meantime, maddyone

Anyway it seems she can’t stay there as she only has sufficient funds for about a year and a half and the home requires evidence that there is sufficient funding for two full years.

Is that a general rule? It seems rather cruel to give e days' notice on those grounds.
You can argue that you have that much time to make alternative arrangements without being rushed into a bad decision, they have no fear of lack of payment for some time yet and who knows what the future holds for any of us anyway.

In answer to other posters, just thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate your concern.
Mum has got sufficient money to fund her own care, but probably not for the full two years. As I said the flat is owned under a legal trust left by my father, and doesn’t come into the picture, as there are other beneficiaries named. As this is a legal document, we can’t do anything about that, but the positive is that there is sufficient funding available for at least one and a half years. The manager of her home has advised us to try to get SS to assess her, as they they may provide part of the fees and she could then top up. Otherwise the respite care will be the way forward I think until we find another home. It doesn’t help that Mum is so stubborn. The finance manager asked yesterday about POA and if it would be a good time to activate it for me. My God, she nearly bit the woman’s head off ‘NO!’