Black Dog 11

Downnotout- glad you had such a lovely time swimming . It did you all good and a lovely memory made too. It’s good to have you here.
Doodle - yes it’s lovely to have such kind people to talk to and listen thank you. I ,m sorry you feel achey - I feel worse if I don’t walk a lot. Perhaps it’s because the cold at the moment is that horrible cold that gets into your bones - as my Mum used to say!! It,ll be better when it warms up I ,m sure.
Nonnie- I,m pleased that you get comfort from your meetings - what a good thing you met that lady when you did.
So sorry you lost your brother and cousin - such sudden shocks of young lives lost.
So you are going to be married to a hermit - has he got a man cave to retire to on hermit days? Hope your shops are more exciting than ours are now so many empty ones in town. Pottering downtown is something I used to love so hope you enjoyed yours.
Sleep well friendsx

Nonnie I’m glad you’ve found a group that suits you. I find it hard to understand how there can be a competitive element to such tragic loss but people react in different ways.
Yes I’m sure my muscle ache is because I’ve not been doing much recently. I must try and be more active. Since lockdown I have gone downhill a bit.
Hope you had a good walk round town. It’s nice to have a bit of a potter.
It’s quiet here today. I hope everyone is ok. Take care all x

Doodle it took us two years to pluck up the courage to go to a Compassionate Friends meeting. I have been in some group meetings or committees where people compete and I wouldn't have been able to cope. We met up with one of the leaders and she gave us the courage to join in. I think about a third of them had children who committed suicide, others cancer or other illnesses and two of us have unexplained deaths, the other one shared DSs name and died at the same time of year, alone in his apartment like DS.

Do you think your muscles hurt because you haven't been using them so much lately? When the family all left after Christmas I spent most of one day slobbing on the sofa and my back really hurt the next day. As we get older I think we have to try to wake the muscles up as much as we can.

Scardycat yes, you understand too. My brother was killed in a car accident at 19 and also my cousin, young lives destroyed. My aunt said some tactless things when my brother died and I am sure would have regretted them when her son did too.

downnotout that sounds wonderful, it will have done your son the world of good.

DH and I don't walk as much as we used to and today he said he is becoming a hermit so I am going out to town to pay in my Premium bond win and potter! Not required to do our volunteering until 3.45 today so will make the most of it.

Oh Scaredycat I knew you’d lost your son and husband in a tragic way but I didn’t realise your son was only 14. I’m so sorry.
However do you move on from such loss?
I don’t know what to say really. So many on this thread have suffered loss. I hope it brings some comfort having a thread like this to talk to others.
Yes it was really cold. I had my hat, scarf and gloves on. My biggest problem is my aching muscles. It seems with only very little exercise, that’s enough to make them ache a lot the following day.
downandout what a nice thing to say. You are certainly not alone. We are here whenever you feel like joining in.
You do help others. Just by being on this thread and posting, you help. Listening to others and just joining in in friendship is all that is needed,
Your swim sounds lovely and seems to have done your son good too. Hope things work out well for him.

Gosh. I am so lucky to have found this forum. You are all so kind and supportive and I feel less alone. Today DS, GS and I went swimming. I love to swim but this was the first time in the water in 2 years due to covid. And it was just wonderful! We had a great day and DS mood was so lifted. I'm hanging on to this. As I said before I will update when access is legally arranged etc but till then a massive thank you to you all and if I can be of any help to anyone out there do let me know! x

Nonnie- what you say is so true our children are supposed to outlive us My son was only 14 when he and his father were killed in an accident - his little life was only just starting. Yes no one knows how another feels only that it is a loss like no other.
The voluntary work must be really satisfying and great to be able to help people as you both do.
SweetpeaSue- you sound like a kind caring person ,glad you are here.
Annie- that was a big list of Whatifferies!! You have covered all bases I think. It’s a good idea of Nonnies to ask your carer to do a test run with the alarm.
I,m sorry you have no one to talk to about your daughter but as Doodle said we are all here to listen when you have a memory you,d like to share.
These dark days make it hard to deal with many things so those anniversaries seem so much harder to bear. Thinking of youx
Doodle - hope you wrapped up well for your walk. We went this afternoon and it was so cold my head hurt!! Forgot my woolly hat?
Love to allx

Sweetpeasue as others have said, no need to keep your response short, you can say whatever you want on this thread. It’s not like many others. We don’t complain or criticise here just come on and say how you feel. Always nice to hear from you.
Annie it’s a bad time for sad anniversaries when the general ourdoorness (is that a word ?) is grey and cold.
Spring is on its way and snowdrops will bloom soon. How about planning to plant some early spring bulbs in a planter in your garden to welcome you when you go outside?
Nonnie I’m glad you have someone to talk to about your loss because I’m sure unless you’ve been through the same thing you can have no idea what others suffering is like.
I know many people say ‘ oh I lost my mum or brother, so I understand’ but that is not the same at all as losing a child or partner.
You are both right. We can all sympathise and empathise with others but one’s own pain is unique to us and how we feel about things.
Off out for a walk now. Not looking forward to it as it’s very cold but I will go because I can hear Annie’s voice in my head saying go and walk as much as you can. ?
Take care all. x

Nonnie you are so right, no one can feel another’s pain, x

Annie we all get those, all you can do is think it through and try to find a way. Perhaps start with asking your carer to go into the garden and check the signal? If it works you will be in exactly the same situation as you would be in your home if you had an accident. Good luck.

I do have people I can talk to but find it hard. My only release is the monthly meetings of The Compassionate Friends where we are all in the same situation.

Sweatpeasue please write as much or as little as you like, we are all different even on different days. There is no right or wrong on this thread.

Thanks for your kind words.

Annie and I share the same loss but it is not the same, no two situations are the same and the way we cope (or not) is not the same. Yes we have both lost an adult child and both of them suffered pain but I can't feel Annie's pain any more than she can feel mine. Don't even know why I have written that, think it wrote itself and I may not have put it very well but this is a safe thread so I'll let it stay

Doodle no, very little driving.

I

Hi all x

Sweetpeasue write as much as you wish my love, some of my
posts are epistles, more so when i am in battle with the council!

I have lived in this Cul de sac for five years, 18 bungalows and I only know one person living here. Thankfully my bungalow is on the end next to the entry into the Cul de sac, yet everyone who enters or leaves have to pass me.

Doodle I am ok, dislike this time of year, my wedding
anniversary and Catherine’s birthday. It will pass.

How is everyone?

Nonnie our children should outlive us. It seems unnatural to us. I wish I could think of some words of comfort. Thinking of you

Hi everyone.
Thankyou for all the kind words of welcome. Wasn't sure how to structure my posts as I'm not familiar with names.
AnnieI'm so sorry about your daughter. I wish I had some magical words. It must be so hard, I can't imagine. My heart feels heavy for you and Nonnie too.
I'm so pleased for you about your garden. Is your bungalow very distant from neighbours? I think with your newfound 'freedom' it must also be quite daunting.
Doodle I see what you mean about feeling tired after being in company. I often feel this.
HVDY Hope you're okay and are having a break from the chores.
Wishing some peace of mind, however fleeting for those with families who are going through breakups. We can be so helpless with these things and it does hurt when these things happen. I've had this myself with my own.
Have a peaceful night.
Hope I've not written too much. I do find it difficult being succinct.

I know it’s not the same Annie but you can always tell us here if something reminds you of her. It’s sad you can’t talk about her to others. We are always ready to listen. Take care xx

Doodle yes I have an alarm pendant, because I have no one they can contact they will ring the police ! Will try the alarm from the front and the back garden but whatiferies do spring to mind don’t they.

Yes I miss my darling daughter every day, also have no one to
speak about her to, can’t even say things which come to mind which brought me much laughter.

Annie do you have one of those alarm things round your neck or a wrist one? My SIL had one and we tested it at the end of her longish garden and it worked fine. If you don’t have one, it would be a good idea to get one. Phone reception is usually better outside than in so that’s another plus.
Your ‘what ifs’ sound like me and my claustrophobia. What happens if the lift stops between floors, what happens if the alarm doesn’t work, what happens if the lights go out. It’s scary trying to overcome your fears.
downnotout I hope you your son gets reasonable access. Good he’s got you to talk to.
Nonnie you must miss your son so much, like Annie and her daughter. As you say, we don’t expect our children to go first. What sort of volunteering do you do? Is it driving mainly?
Hope everyone in the gang has a good weekend. x

Hi all x

Whatiferies have started , for all who have recently joined us,
whatiferies are - ‘what if ?’

What if I am in the back garden and the wheelchair breaks down ?

What if I can’t open the front door to get back indoors?

Thought it through, sorted, take my mobile with me , yes ?

Then came ‘what if no reception?

How is everyone?

HVDY yes, my son. It almost seems worse than if it were DH because we expect our children to outlive us.

Oh what a wonderful sleep! I would give a lot to do that.

Ah but Annie is it you who needs the break from them? Could you just open the doors for 5 minutes and smell the fresh cold air?

Doodle that does sound good, neighbour and I keep messaging and saying we must catch up soon but I think we are both putting it off.

Important to make notes even when dealing with people on the phone. It is surprising how much better service you get when you have asked their name! I write it down with time and date and keep until I have confirmation that whatever was agreed has happened. Mostly they record these conversations so, with name, time and date it is easy to prove. I also keep copies of webchats.

Yes, we volunteer very locally but the times can change at the last minute so we need to be very available. Rarely need to do it on Sundays and only occasional Saturdays so do get some free time. On balance, although quite tiring, it is doing us good and keeping us active.

Downnotout if it does come to court you will be pleased you kept all that. Tell him to be careful what he writes in response to any abuse. Always a good idea to wait if tempted to say something in haste.

Now have to decide whether to sort out my study or clear my emails.

Nonnie Thanks for the advice. DS has enough texts and emails back and forth to fill a book and to run it all out and put it in time order would be a nightmare but if it comes to it that is what we'll do. Hopefully won't go that far.

Evening all. Been out for lunch today with friends, went to theirs for coffee after and only just got home. Nice to have a long catch up.
Nonnie good advice. Keeping notes is a good way of remembering things that may help in disputes.
A busy day volunteering for you. Do you do it locally?
HVDY glad your headache went. A good night’s sleep will help. Sounds like a housework day for you. Due to lunch out I haven’t done anything today but the sheets will need ironing tomorrow.
Annie it is very cold out, you must be careful not to get a chill. Purple hat and shawl and rug will be required. Have you been able to open the door yourself yet?
Matching bed socks nice purple ones. Mine are green and spotty.
Feel tired now I’m home. All that chatting, I’m not used to it. Time for a coffee I think. Take care all x

Hi all x

Nonnie next challenge lined up but will give ‘council care and repair’ a break for a little while .x

downnotout you couldn’t have better advice than Nonnie has given you x

HVDY yes gardening, have always love it and it is also going
to help me beat the agoraphobia, been indoors for over four years, good to learn the headache has gone.

Doodle haven’t been through the doors yet, carer said it’s
very cold, I don’t know because don’t go outdoors ,enjoy your lunch x

scaredycat not satin sandals but purple bed socks , can’t wear
shoes or slippers. I felt anxious about the lifting of restrictions
and I don’t live in England. You still went to meet friends ? do
realise how strong you are , yes definitely a ? x

How is everyone?

Nonnie So sorry, you did say it was your DS. Huge apologies. x
Anniebach I noticed on another thread that you can now get into your garden. Brilliant! Well done. x
Scaredycat Thanks. My headache went and I slept 11pm - 6.30am then went back to sleep again for another hour! I was pleased about that. x
everyone else in the gang Hope you're all having a good day.

I'm faffing about at home today, tidying, washing, ironing - will the fun never end!

Annie so happy for you. One down, what's the next challenge?

downnotout I have some understanding of this situation and am sure that your son is doing the right thing. Many assume that coercive control is only men on women, it isn't.

Please make sure you are involved as well. I suggest you both make notes of what happens, factual notes with dates and times. If you end up in court these will be very valuable, if not you will feel better for doing it. Remember, parents don't have any rights they have responsibilities, the children have all the rights and one important one is a right to family life. That means parents and grandparents unless it is in the child's interest not to.

GSM you are not alone, I suspect many on here are the same, I am.

HVDY not my husband, my son. Did I write DH instead of DS? Sorry, in a rush so trying to answer everyone.

Sorry everyone, only had time to skim read as volunteering about to start. Will try to pay more attention when I have a bit more time.

Scaredycat I agree, so very cold today. We had to extend our usual walk to go and pick up DHs prescriptions. By the time we got home I was freezing. When I feel really cold, I can’t help thinking about the poor people who are homeless or in camps somewhere. How they cope with young children i don’t know.
So many sad things in the news these days.
Yes lifting of restrictions but we are still being careful and going at our own pace. Still wearing masks a lot.
Going out to lunch with friends tomorrow so hope it’s a bit warmer as we are walking there.
Sleep well all x

I hope your shawl is nice when it comes Annie . Are you waiting till you get it before venturing outside or have you tried the new doors yet?
downnotout I always think it’s helpful to know that others have been through similar things. I have often looked at someone and thought they had wonderful stress free lives only to discover that under the surface they too have family problems or worries.
I don’t know how long your son was on his antidepressants but they do take a while to work. I do think, as with most medication, if something isn’t working you need to go back to the GP and tell them. There is a variety of medication out there and I think your son needs to find something that works for him.
It doesn’t matter how old our children are, they will always be children to us and need our care and support. Hope the legal stuff gets sorted out to your son’s satisfaction.

Just posted and then forget to post it!!!
Doodle- another freezing day.Roll on the warmer weather. I promise I won’t moan that it’s too hot.
HVDY- Hope your headache has gone now. Glad you see your GC often they must look forward to your days together.
EllieAnne- hope the hygienist visit goes well - it always feels so good afterwards doesn’t it.
VioletSky- yoga is a good idea. I tried it a long time ago and liked it. The thing I was best at though was when you lied down at the end to relax.
My daughter bought me a heated throw it is lovely and cosy.
Annie- your babies must have been so comfortable and cosy in your shawl when they were little .
Your new shawl will be lovely in Grey and Purple- Jenny Joseph would approve. Maybe some satin sandals to go with it!!
Bollard dancing is a work in progress .
Nonnie- hope you are ok
Did any one feel as nervous as I did hearing of the latest lifting of Covid restrictions. Each time I get a bit braver the rug gets pulled out again!!! So this afternoon I went with DH to have afternoon tea with a group of our friends and put on my brave face - ?