Black Dog 11

So many here who need help.
I'm shaking, can hardly type. Will have to come back. Sorry. I have been drawn to HVDYs posts. From beginning, but afraid to post. I joined GN to see if anyone else had found Dr's lie after a botched procedure. I've had such anxiety and depression. Was promised counselling too. 5 mths later--nothing. On Mirtazapine. So terribly sorry HVDY. Will come back. I've been trying to lay things to rest but still physically not right either, then I read your posts. Have waited a long time, I appealed for someone else, now. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

VioletSky you are welcome.

All on this thread understand depression, anxiety, phobias, we
give each other support and understanding.

So sorry you have depression, I assure you, you will not be alone or feel alone here. Do post whenever you wish to x

I hope no one minds me joining this thread

I've been very down lately, life has been full of the usual ups and downs but no reason for my depression to be casting a shadow over everything.

I'm not engaging with life as I should be and just wanted to not feel alone at the moment when I'm not wanting to burden friends or family

Ellie Anne lovely picture. Wish there was something useful I could offer you but just know we are all here if you need us.

Yes, Mums blame themselves for everything and think we should be able to kiss it better like we used to.

Scardycat that sounds lovely, especially because it was a surprise.

Rafichagran that sounds horrible and hurts you, not whoever caused you to be angry. Is there a way for you to safely let off steam?

Annie have a lovely time with MT. Why did I say that, I know you will!

Had a call yesterday from the GP's pharmacist, oh dear one of my meds can cause heart problems! Not going to say which as I don't want to worry any of you. Wanted to up the dose of another so I told her I didn't want to take any of them unless I had to.

Hi all x

rafichagran speak to your GP about any change in the dosage of your medication my love, we are here for you , sending you a cwtch X

Scaredycat you went for a walk after 3 hours of AF ?
How lovely to spend time with your daughter , and went for another walk , go girl and definitely another ? x

Nonnie if I do the lottery will you choose numbers for me x

HVDY how are you today ? x

Doodle my Mini Tornado loved the John Lewis Christmas advert 2019, Edgar the dragon. I bought her an Edgar, he sits in the living room during the day and is put to bed at night, if they go away for a weekend they take Edgar, when she sent me
photographs on Christmas Day of her partner and brother sitting at the dinner table Edgar was sitting there wearing a paper hat, she is 22.

Ellie Anne it’s what mothers do, my darling daughter took her life four years ago, she jumped from a bridge at 3.00am,
I blamed myself for not being there. The depression is telling you lies, it’s what depression does to us, it tells us we fail, we are
worthless, not lovable, why would children remain in contact
with a mother who had not been a caring mother. Don’t listen to those lies, x

Friends I am seeing Mini Tornado today and perhaps my elder
granddaughter too, my princess, she calls me Queen Bee hence the princess.

We are half way through January , ? on its way

How is everyone?

rafichagran Perhaps you need a higher dose of antidepressant. I'm on Mirtazapine, the highest dose. would counselling help you, do you think?

Hope everyone is having a decent morning. x

EllieAnne I don’t think I was a good mother either. I wonder how many people do think they are. I tried my best and I love them very much. You seem to care very much for your children. Going to help your daughter when you can. Worrying about your younger son and family. That doesn’t sound like a bad mum to me. Are you sure it’s not just the way you feel about yourself?
I can empathise with the feeling about wanting to stay in bed. I find that myself when I feel low.
All this negative thinking about yourself will bring you down.
We can all look back and see mistakes we have made. I know I have and I have regrets over things I’ve done that I wish I hadn’t. Don’t be so hard on yourself, I’m sure your children value you and your help. Try and be a little kinder to yourself. x

Oh doodle I think I’ve been such a bad mother and my children put up with me but don’t really like/ want me. I blame myself for their problems. I m so low the only place I feel ok is in bed.scaredy cat I wasn’t in the field with them! Not with those horns.

Scaredycat DGD will be 19. I can’t believe it really. Where has all the time gone. I have bought the gift she asked for. It made me laugh as it’s a big stuffed toy animal. Apparently it’s all the rage. Only to happy to indulge. Sorry the AF came back again today but at least you got a walk in . We went out too but it was bitterly cold. Good you had a nice visit with your DD.
HVDyou I’m glad you are on the list and I hope the counselling helps. Remember you are not the only one to be badly affected by hospital admission like this and you need help to come to terms with it. It was a real shock and we can’t always bounce back as though nothing has happened. I hope the counselling helps.
Annie I’m holding my breath. Not saying too much as we’ve been here before but I do hope this time those doors actually get finished.
Nonnie I’m not a fan of red velvet cake but DH and my DGDs love it. Glad it turned out ok thought.
Goodness you just made me think back years to the Weebles. Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down. Sounds a lot like us in the BDG. ?
Oh congratulations on your win. How lovely. Hope you treat yourself.
Ellie Anne I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. Sorry things are bad for you.
Is it the post Christmas blues or worry over your children (sorry you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I was just wondering if it would help to talk)
Those cows look as though they are huddled for warmth. Glad you are still going out walking.
Hello rafichagran nice to hear from you. Something must be causing this build up of anger. It could well be medication upsetting your system.. Hope you feel more under control soon. Take care.
Have a good weekend all x

HVDU you will get alot of help and understanding on this lovely thread.
I dip in now and then, and I always feel better for it. I am experiencing something different at the moment, real uncontrolled anger in my head, along with horrible resentment, this worries me more than the depression. I have not hurt or upset anyone though. I am on low dose of anti depressants now and wonder if I need to take a higher dose.
Annie I hope MT finds her career path soon. I hope things work out better for you this year too.
Take care everyone and keep well.

Annie- hooray the doors!!! Everything crossed for Tuesday.
Nonnie- wobbles still around this morning as AF came back but stopped after 3 hours so we had a walk and like the Weebles I wobbled but didn’t fall down?
We could be Team Nannas
Happy you had a windfall today - long may your roll continue.
HVDY- hope today is treating you kindly
Ellie Anne- sorry you feel so awful but glad that you are getting out and walking. Those cows are beautiful but I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go in a field with cows they really frighten me.?
This afternoon I felt better and then had a treat. My daughter and I went for a walk to the local coffee shop and had a lovely chat together. It was a surprise and really lifted my spirits.
Love to allxx

So
Pleased about the doors Annie. Hope it goes well.
My depression is very bad just now. Finding it very hard to speak so sitting bedroom a lot and walking on my own. Saw these lovely cows today.

Anniebach Thank you. Hope your doors get fitted alright x

Nonnie Thanks. Any win is good. That was a pleasant surprise for you x

HGVD you will get there, you may not accept their findings but you will learn to put it on the back burner because you sound like a proactive positive person. Sometimes we just have to learn to live with things and think ahead rather than back. I'm sure you will get there.

Doodle cake was OK but I don't know what the fuss is about Red Velvet, maybe I didn't get it right. If I make it again I'll use a different recipe. Yes, we had a nice evening.

Scardycat hope the wobbles have gone now. Made me think of Weebles!!

I'm ready to join that team

Annie praying for your new doors!

I feel like a millionaire! Just opened the post and I have won £25 on premium bonds! I'm not the kind of person who wins things.

Done DS's HMRC, it was easy, they think he has ££££££ in savings which would make him very rich. He hasn't and therefore they owe him money. Another win as he will get the money back. I'm on a roll.

Hi all x

HVDY acceptance is so difficult but it’s the way to move forward, I do know just how difficult it can be , you can do it x

Had telephone call yesterday friends, my new doors to be fitted
Tuesday , unless anyone goes off sick .

How is everyone?

Scaredycat and Doodle I'm on a waiting list for counselling. It will be a telephone or one-to-one face-to-face thing. Telephone suits me better. I certainly couldn't afford private therapy - I'm not working (signed off until end of June at least) and get £148 per fortnight ESA. Husband works full-time but his wage isn't huge (£350 a week). I know I've got to accept what happened, that's the part I need the counselling for, to help me to accept things. x

Annie- I do,admire MT for trying for what she really wants to do- fingers crossed for her. I just love that she calls you Bro - how she must love you.
HVDY- It must be hard to accept the findings but maybe that is what you need to do for peace of mind. I,m glad you had a good chat with the Health Counsellor- are you now on a waiting list ?
Nonnie- my mouth watered reading about your latest cake! Hope you picked out a nice loose fitting outfit so you could eat lots. Glad you feel better today and hope it continues for the weekend.
Doodle- perhaps you could turn pro at Bollard dancing! What next Strictly!!!! Or maybe we could form a formation team with Nonnie.
Hope you found a nice Birthday present for your DGD - how old will she be?
Had an early morning walk this morning it was really bright and sunny and we intended to do it again this afternoon but AF descended so we stayed at home..Sometimes I go regardless but I feel a bit wobbly this afternoon. Trying to think positively - I will feel better tomorrow.
Love to all the gang have a good weekend.

Scaredycat yes more sun today but a really heavy frost this morning. Got to pop out to the shops to get a present for DGDs birthday then back to more sorting of photos.
I’m sure bollard dancing could be the next craze. We have some in our garden here I could practice with.
Annie like grandmother like granddaughter. ?
Good for MT. She shouldn’t give up. I think we all feel she’s been hard done by. I love the fact she still calls you Bro.
HVDyou I know MH services are stretched to the limit. What are they offering in 5 weeks, is it a group or one to one session? Can you consider paying for a private counselling service?
Nonnie you’re cake sounds nice. DH likes red velvet cakes.
Is it a special occasion? Whatever it is, hope you have a nice dressed up evening.
Sorry yesterday wasn’t a good one but glad you coped and are feeling good today.
Joyce Nanny and Bluesky hope you are all keeping ok.

Nonnie The investigation and report were done by a Consultant at my local hospital. Each doctor/health professional is in agreement with the findings. There isn't anything I can do so I've got to learn how to accept it, which I'm finding difficult.

HVDY do you have to accept their conclusions or is there somewhere you can complain? Can you talk to your MP. It is clear you are not happy about what they said.

Annie Imo we cope when we have to and none of us know how we manage it. To other people it seems impossible but you are doing it. Have a medal!

Well done for MT, never give up. I have a strong feeling that He has something planned for her.

Unexpected day off from our volunteering so I had more time than planned to decorate a cake I made yesterday. My first attempt at Red Velvet cake and hope I chose the right recipe as there are lots. I was told to put lots of chocolate on it and think I went over the top!! Now have to choose what to wear tonight when we share the cake. Feels like 'going out' and I have far too many 'going out' clothes.

Feeling pretty good today after a very hectic day yesterday when so much went wrong. Have a good weekend everyone

Scardycat I can give you lessons in Bollard dancing or we could start a trend

Anniebach Yes, it's a miserable month. It's very foggy here so I'm not going out (might nip somewhere to take some stuff to a charity shop). The very nice mental health counsellor rang earlier, listened to me for 45 minutes, said the waiting list is about 5 weeks. Your MT called you "Bro"? My 10 year old GD sometimes says "Fam", as in "What's up, Fam?" Youngsters

Hi all x

HowVeryDareYou January is a miserable month and does cause depression to deepen, it will pass and spring will come,
keep going out and mixing with people. Do you know when
you will start counselling?. Keep talking here, we all understand x

My friends, I had a talk with my Mini Tornado, spoke of other roads she could take. She listened then said ‘I have tried for two
jobs’ (same as the one she lost), I am not giving up, you don’t
give up Bro’.
What could i say to that ?

How is everyone?

Scaredycat and Doodle Thank you.

Anniebach I hope you had a good chat with your Mini Tornado

Goodnight all x

Evening all.
Annie- hope you and MT were able to have a good video chat about her future. She does deserve something good to happen for her - as do you.
I,m working on the Bollard dancing- even when there are no Bollards!!
Nonnie- glad your family are keeping you busy. I like nothing better than being given a mission and can feel useful.
Doodle- Hope you,re warmer today. We,ve had sun all day today which made such a difference out walking.
HVDY- Reading your posts today and all that you have been through I believe you are much stronger than you think you are. But I do agree with Annie that you could be suffering from ptsd.
I,m glad you are getting out and mixing with people - sounds like you enjoy your day at the centre. Aqua aerobics is good fun too and really good for your physical recovery.
I too hope that the counselling helps you and that it will be easier for you to open up without being face to face. I understand what you say about hiding your feelings but from experience this doesn’t always help and maybe it will do you good to let it all out. Wishing you well for tomorrow.
Hope all the gang have a peaceful nightxx

HVDyou when my DIL was in intensive care years ago after child birth, she was invited back to the hospital to visit the ICU and talk to staff who went over her treatment with her and explained what happened. They told her that people who had a dramatic incident like hers often suffer shock as a result. They didn’t use the PTSD tag but I’m sure that’s the same idea.
From what you write it seems like quite a major event for you and your family so not surprised it’s been unsettling.
Many on this thread have had treatment for depression so you are in good company. No need to hide it here you can say how you feel without being told to cheer up or pull your socks up.
Annie I suppose in the end everyone copes somehow but I still think you are very stoic in all the things that have come your way recently. I pray that life gets easier for you and some better times are ahead.
Yes you will overcome the agoraphobia. You have the strength.
x