Partner not dealing well with my father's dementia

Gosh. This is something that has been on my mind recently, especially since a close friend of mine has developed dementia. My marriage ended over twenty years ago ( he left me for someone else who then left him). We’re both in relationships with other people. Although DH and I have been together a long time now I regard it more as a relationship built on shared interests and companionship. We haven’t had children together and built a life together from an early age. If I needed to I feel that I would/could look after the man who was my husband for thirty years but not my current partner. Yes, if he became ill I would care for and support him but I don’t think I could cope with dementia and all that it entails. And I wouldn’t expect it of him, either. I know that sounds awful but I’m just trying to be honest.

I'm so sorry to hear of your Father's recent diagnosis and the fact that his partner has decided she doesn't want to be his carer.
Yes, caring for someone with any degree of dementia can be awful, yet I wonder how she'd feel if she learned that someone would react in the same way towards her in that same situation!

After 20 years and when he really needs her, she's made her decision - she's said she's not going to care for him, therefore SHE now needs to step back from that and move back to her own home; perhaps taking up the role of occasional visiting friend, or not. Sadly he's not the one blessed with any choices, but he's certainly not the one who should be moving anywhere and out of his own home, until you're all good and ready and feel the time has come when it's absolutely necessary for his care and safety.

I agree totally with all that Pammie has said.

Social Services, even 5 years ago when I was dealing with my Mum's care, was a total nightmare. They could not have been more disorganised or under pressure. But if you're willing to be pro-active and set about making arrangements for your Father's care this will undoubtedly be of great benefit. Do speak to his GP about this, (as well as Adult Social Care in your area, and any local Dementia organisations) so you can be sure he's on their records as being in need of care; and will be assessed with regard to what sort of care may be funded and available, what sort of aids etc., (if any) an Occupational Therapist would recommend to be installed at home to make his life more comfortable, and to ensure that he will be properly looked after and not at risk.
Your own input and in regard to visiting, supervising or co-ordinating help, meals, shopping etc., for him will be invaluable and, hopefully, you will soon be able to put a plan into action involving those who are willing to make his life comfortable, and relieve the obvious concerns you will have now. You've doubtless got lots of decisions and tasks to be sorted, but I'm sure you'll get there and ensure that your Father's final years are as happy as you can make them.

You are your fathers daughter and have every right to make decisions. He is managing his personal care so it does seem premature to be thinking about a care home , although that time may come in the future. For now you must act in the best interest of your father. If his partner can not cope she must go to her own home. Lasting power of attorney is a sound idea, with you holding power of course - not his partner!! It is not unreasonable of you to get carers in and ask her to move out. She has made it very clear she is not prepared to care for him so she knows where the door is !

Your father, sorry

OP,

How often do see tour garhet?

I am asking because she lives with him 24/7 and a disease like is very stressful and currently impacting her.

Talk to your father and ask what he wants to do

I do understand your feelings but as the spouse of someone with Alzheimer’s would just say this- it is very different dealing with this situation 24/7 than being a relative who can , if even for short periods , walk away. Just saying.....

I agree with the above. I can understand someone not wanting to be a full time carer but a care home isn’t the best place for your father at the moment.

That’s what I’d be doing, yes. I’m so sorry you’re going through this - my mum is 91 and is in the later stages of vascular dementia so I feel your pain. If your father went into care he would likely have to sell his home to pay for it, so his partner would have to move back to her own place anyway - if they’re not married and your father owns the whole property, given that she has her own home, she would have no claim on it even if he willed it to her. His care fees would take priority.

My mum lives with my partner in our home and even though she’s in the later stages of dementia, she still manages her own personal care - I do her washing and ironing and make sure she has clean clothes and a clean bed/bedroom. She just needs supervision when moving about and she’s starting to be a fall risk outside. She’s no trouble and sits watching TV and listens to the radio mostly.

I know dementia affects people differently but it does seem a bit heartless for his partner to suggest a care home so early on and now she’s shown her true nature I would be wary of leaving her to care for him anyway. And given that the care system is in such chaos, I would have thought that social services would be more inclined towards arranging care in his own home - he’s still mobile and coping with personal care and he obviously has family who care about him.

If it’s possible talk to your father about arranging care at home and take it from there. I would also think about arranging for for someone in the family to obtainLasting Power of Attorney for your fathers so that his best interests are the priority - you can still do this even after a diagnosis of dementia, providing your father still has the capacity to understand what it means. It’s easy to do and all the necessary information is online - just look under Office of the Public Guardian and that will explain everything. I wish you well.