Advice to help grumpy husband

Is his pain under control? Pain makes for irritability?
Can you gently suggest he visits an audiologist and see if his hearing aids need adjusting
He feels age creeping on and is miserable, maybe he needs a checkup and advice about his mood

you say;
won't wear hearing aids he got 5 years ago
see if you can get him to be tested and new hearing aids. they have improved so much recently.

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But they only married ten years ago…..so if he was happier twenty years ago…… not sure your post is very helpful abigail!

abigail what are you talking about?

Has he already retired?

Sometimes lack of activity in retirement makes people grumpy. Maybe he'd be happier, if retired, with a full diary or work at a job he enjoys?

abigailrshaw41

Yes, there is advice for grumpy old men. You will have to set this up as a dialogue instead of a monologue. You may want to start by asking him why he wishes he could go back 20 years and change things. Listen carefully to what he says, and if he says he was happier then, don't agree. Tell him that you understand how he feels, and ask him if he knows what caused the change? It may be that your expectations of him have changed over the last 20 years. Perhaps you have changed? Perhaps you were quite happy before, but you now want more from him? Whatever the reason, he has been upset enough to write to you and you need to find out why. It seems that he is tired, perhaps exhausted. He may be depressed. When you have talked to him, you may need to make an appointment for him to see his doctor. But before you do this, write him a letter. This can be a powerful way for someone to know that you understand their feelings. Here is a sample letter (do not send it though)

Say what?

It’s a shame he won’t wear his hearing aids - is there a reason? If they’re not helping his hearing then he could get them changed. Is his pain relief helping him or would he benefit from something stronger (always supposing he’s actually taking them of course). Back pain is so debilitating and being in pain and not being able to move easily will make you grumpy.
However, reading your post again, it does sound like he may be depressed - there is a sort of grieving process, in my opinion, when you get older and realise that you cannot do the things you used to do easily. My DH struggles with this - I remind him of the things he can still do AND that he needs to realise that some tasks will take longer to do as we get older. We’re in this together and need to make the most of what we are able to do.

Does he have any male friends to talk to or hobbies or interests? Do YOU have any time away with friends or hobbies? It’s important that you have time out too.

It may be helpful to start the conversation perhaps by reminiscing over old photos and good memories you share together and take it from there. And reminding him of the good things you like about him and encouraging him to be more outgoing. A visit to his GP may also be a good idea to go over his meds and perhaps some mood enhancers?

Sparklefizz

abigail what are you talking about?

If I started quizzing DH if he got the trumps it might make him more grumpy.

Pain can be debilitating, especially back pain. What is the GP doing about it, has he been referred on at all?

Persuade him to make an appointment for a hearing test, I have reports from a couple of friends that Boots Hearingcare are very good.

Not trumps ?
Autocorrect!
Grumps

Thank you everyone. Our GP practice seems a bit overstretched just now. In fact after no joy there, DH went to local physio about his back; she asked for Xray (via GP); it has revealed compression fracture. I try the talking gently and positively approach. I think -what do I know? - that being able to talk frankly and freely to someone about things would help. An only child, he has no men friends. Xxx

Bless you Laurely - it’s hard when they have no male friends. What about hobbies or interests? Does he have any?
Do you have friends yourself that you can offload to - or do you tend to stay in with DH?

By not sorting the wearing of a hearing aid, he’s not really helping himself (or you). I would encourage him to go back to the GP (maybe you could go with him?) for better pain relief and maybe a chat about his low moods.

Would he consider joining a social club - just to get him out and mixing? There are also lots of men social groups that offer support and friendship around. I don’t know what area you live in.

I can empathise with you. My husband is similar in that at mid 70s, he thinks he is old. He does have mobility issues and COPD but has no interests whatsoever. He misses interaction but all my attempts to get him out to socialise are rebuffed. He suffers from anxiety which is getting worse. I believe that it’s up to the person themselves to try and make positive changes but the person I knew has changed, has no empathy and is so self centred.

I googled compression fractures. I know googling not usually recommended, so just to comment broadly - but it did show me he could be treated other than just painkillers. Because some can get better, others have to "best live with"

For some patients exercise -the exact right kind - is recommended too.
So one thing that may help is make sure this is followed up on and if possible a treatment path followed.

I too feel in theory that its up to the person but if his physical illness is compounded by substantial levels of depression then a helping hand ....?

I’m sorry that ‘he takes comments about his actions badly’

Tough

Tell him he needs to get his hearing sorted, there isn’t much to do about his pain until he has had a scan, but going out for a stroll with you should be ok.

Tell him that his negativity is wearing you down and that something must be done and if he speaks to you disrespectfully then call him out on it immediately it happens.

I think until the pain is sorted he won’t be very chipper., but there’s no need to take it out on you

I think it has got to be a talk first, then the Drs appointment followed by sorting out the hearing aids. If there is depression involved then he may need you to take charge and get the appointments. I have recently had hearing aids and they make such a difference to that slightly cut off feeling but whilst female friends have just been normally interested their partners have almost to a man said they wouldn't want one and couldn't cope! My DH amongst them. Oh dear.

I know the scenario where a husband does not wish to get medical input and you cannot make him.

Tell him that his grumpiness is making your life miserable and is this what he wants. Tell him you expect him to sort out his pain relief and hearing problems. I know it is horrible for him, but he is a grown adult and has the choice to try and improve things. I have lots of health problems, but just get on and try and get them sorted as best I can. This is what most retired people do.

If he is depressed then that is another matter.

Stress what his behaviour is doing to YOU.

there's a lesson here, Think very carefully before marrying again in later life!

Wyllow3

I googled compression fractures. I know googling not usually recommended, so just to comment broadly - but it did show me he could be treated other than just painkillers. Because some can get better, others have to "best live with"

For some patients exercise -the exact right kind - is recommended too.
So one thing that may help is make sure this is followed up on and if possible a treatment path followed.

I too feel in theory that its up to the person but if his physical illness is compounded by substantial levels of depression then a helping hand ....?

A friend got a lot of compression fractures and was found to have osteoporosis.
He took the recommended treatment (is it Alendronic acid?) and has done very well. He also walks regularly.

Laurely, your husband is another adult not a dependent child.

Explain to him that his brain needs to get used to the hearing aids for them to work well.He does sound slightly stupid so maybe you can learn how to set the volume, change the batteries, and help him to get a hearing test.

His pain needs sorting. Ask your GP for painkillers, help with advice about positioning in bed and on chairs etc. , and disabled equipment. The GP is the 'doorkeeper' and will be able to get the quite efficient physiotherapists and occupational therapists to help.

GP 'doorkeeper' 'gatekeeper'

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