Cancer sufferer's personality changes

I am aware that it is a scary diagnosis in any form. DH has had absimilar trype of diagnosis - and I am not heartless.

DSiL never argues with DD1 - he calls it being supportive.

Having said that, we are not going to fall out with them.

Maybe her husband has his own battles with her when you are not around, kittylester and can't face being a moderating force on your behalf. It's sad isn't it, you just want to be a loving family and support her whilst she is struggling. If it were me, I'd try to hold on to that apology whenever I felt sad or scared of her reaction.

One of the things that does stand out in your post, if you don't mind me saying, is that "She knew from the start it was caught early and her life was not in danger." Although I am sure you don't mean it, it sounds like you are dismissive of the cancer. Unfortunately, cancer sufferer worry that there is more they haven't found or they may get it again. That can be a drain on your emotional resilience.

Dd1 has recently had treatment for breast cancer. She knew from the start that it was caught early and her life was not in danger.

But she has also said some awful things to us and to her siblings. She has apologised but we feel she still thinks we all got it wrong and we are all a bit scared of staying the wrong thing We are just going with the flow and largely ignoring the nastiness.

We are baffled, though, why her dh has not been a moderating force.

Thank you pascal and Fanny fingers crossed it’s caught in time

Same here BlueBelle x

bluebelle.. I hope Spring brings you lots of joy..

Your daughter sounds scared and suffering the after effects of chemo. Try not to take her criticism to heart and keep the lines of communication open. My daughter said some hurtful things after chemo and radiotherapy but later couldn't understand why she had said them and apologised. The treatment takes its toll on the body and the mind. Respond to her with love.

I think everyone is so different
This year I ve had a very similar time to your daughter but it hasn’t made my personality any different at all in fact the reverse I want to look at the positives and the good things going on I m perhaps over thankful for any help I m given I m scared too but I guess at my age it’s easier

It does sound like your daughter is suffering from a severe anxiety state following her diagnosis and cancer treatment. All the things you mention seem like your daughter is trying to control things around her to keep safe.
Keep communicating with her and explain how you felt when she visited. Hopefully as time goes on she will be able to relax and enjoy life again.
It's a very difficult time for the patient and their families Exdancer I hope you both find peace together.

It happened to my mom. I didn’t know that it was a ‘thing’, but I’m not surprised. She was uncharacteristically awful to my grandmother (her mother)

pascal30

She might have adjustment disorder which means that she has been psychologically affected and is still suffering perhaps anxiety, depression, fearful thoughts even PTSD.. I think the only thing you can do if that is the case is to be compassionate to her and yourself and try to understand what she is still suffering.. it sounds like you are a lovely mum

This.

Keep up low grade contact. Be loving but not pushy.

If she can't face discussing the "elephant in the room" dont force the issue.

It's so awful she "took it out on you", one of her nearest and dearest.

But not unusual.
Can you "stand it on its feet?"

I mean, if she wasn't secure in your love, she might not have put it to the awful test she did.

Ex dancer don’t let things get to you but let her know you want to help if needed.
tink caring is hard, glad you have had a better day. Take care of yourself.

Whiff

ExDancer I can only talk about my experience of loved ones with cancer. And can say not all cancer patients act like this . My mom had breast cancer the first time when she was 73 had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed she only had to go on a tablet for 5 years. When mom made the decision to have the mastectomy she asked my dad if he minded . He told her he didn't marry her for her boobs. And he would support any decision she made as we all did. She had it the second time after my dad died aged 86 we didn't think they would bother to operate because of mom's age and it was grade 3. But they offered and she did have it but told the them she couldn't cope with chemo as she saw what my husband went through but had 15 doses of radiotherapy. My mom got to see both my children married and my brother and saw her first great children. She died aged 90 can't pin point when mom's dementia started but the last 18 months she lived with me . It was dementia that changed my gentle mom into someone who didn't know who I was or who she was . And the last 4 months of her life she was violent and I was attacked multiple times a day. But it wasn't my mom . Dementia and Alzheimer's patients who become violent don't do it because they want to but I realised it was fear my mom didn't know who I was and a lucid times thought I was her mom. My mom didn't know what she was doing.

My husband was diagnosed with malignant melanoma grade 4 in January 2001. We where told he wouldn't live 5 years. He didn't want anyone to know apart from me and our children. So after the cancer was removed and the skin graft we just let people believe he would be ok . He didn't need chemo or radiotherapy at that time. He couldn't have stood for people treating him differently. We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. He was still the man I loved and the children's dad . He didn't change who he was.

The sword dropped October 2003 6 tumours and given 4 months to 2 years. We told everyone then. And what he feared happened people treated him differently and he hated it. He was still who he had always been he just had terminal cancer. He died just short of the 4 months . 4 days after his 47th birthday February 2004.

We met many people with different cancer's and different life expectancies from a young man aged 19 to those in their 90's. Like my husband they all said the same thing it's quality of life that counts not quantity . The 19 year old didn't live to see 20.

My husband and mom didn't change who they where because of cancer but like I said this is my own experience. But I don't want people to thing cancer causes loved ones to act differently . It's all down to the individual their personality not cancer.

But this is my own experience . Others have different experiences .

But thanks to another thread I know now malignant melanoma grade 4 isn't the death sentence it was for my husband and that makes me happy to know that.

Tink75

I am suffering the same problem here. Husband terminal cancer . Carers in 4 times a day. I don't do much right either. Screeches when I try and shave him. However I slept last night an d feel better today and better able to cope. Yesterday I could have run away. 24 hrs a day is hard work.

Know that I am thinking of you too. x

ohmy goodness Tink.. I'm so sorry you are having such a terrible time.. I hope you are able to get some respite and look after yourself. Do you have family help?....sending many good thoughts to both you and your DH ..

I am suffering the same problem here. Husband terminal cancer . Carers in 4 times a day. I don't do much right either. Screeches when I try and shave him. However I slept last night an d feel better today and better able to cope. Yesterday I could have run away. 24 hrs a day is hard work.

Know that I am thinking of you too. x

Having been through the same thing myself I can in some ways relate to your DD.
It sounds as if she is scared and scarred by the experience.
In my case it got better as time went on although I do have the odd blip.

It sounds a little as if the cancer was the elephant in the room as she seems to have complained about everything else but maybe couldn't discuss what was actually worrying her.

It is tricky - I too do not voice fears to those I love as I don't want them to worry or feel sorry for me. On occasion this can make me tetchy although now I am aware I try not to be.

Urmston's advice is good. Make contact with your DD as soon as you can.

I don't think you should stop communication.

Your daughter has been through a rough time, whatever the name for it is, it's obviously made her anxious and fearful.

You previously had a good relationship so this is obviously a change that needs addressing.

I'd gently talk to her, and say that you are worried about her and if she says that she is struggling, advise she goes to her GP.

Sometimes as parents we cannot win no matter what we say or do. We have been in a similar position this last twelve months walking on egg shells although not because of cancer. Good advice given so far I would say be patient and honest but try not to dwell on it 💐

Good advice from Urmstongran. Talking about the issues that arose during her visit and how to make things better for you both the next time is better than trying to sweep it under the carpet ExDancer.

Easier said than done but try not to take this personally. Your D's been through a difficult and frightening experience and it will take time for her recover emotionally .

Communication is key here I think. If you just avoid her she will wonder why, think you don’t care and be hurt anyway. Share with her what you’ve just told us? Send her a note so she has time to mull it over. Say it was a bad visit in the way it affected both of you - she didn’t seem herself - and that you feel saddened and would like to mend things between you. Don’t let it fester too long would be my advice.

Oh dear. You definitely need a virtual hug, ExDancer. Here's on from another ex-dancer 🤗.

Since she told you not to visit while she was ill because she couldn't cope with your "so-called helping", I wonder if her personality has really changed all that much?

Very sad for you though xx

She might have adjustment disorder which means that she has been psychologically affected and is still suffering perhaps anxiety, depression, fearful thoughts even PTSD.. I think the only thing you can do if that is the case is to be compassionate to her and yourself and try to understand what she is still suffering.. it sounds like you are a lovely mum