Black Dog 16

Doodle Your words to everyone just so perceptive. Struggling right now painwise but our savings not much use if my health deteriorates any more. Physically and mentally have rapidly lost ground. What you have said is v true. I'm getting into a state where it feels I'll not get back a fraction of what I've lost.
Thankyou so much for your insight.
Take care of yourself and hope you have a restful night. x

Doodle good to hear of your day.

And....what you say makes a lot of sense.

Had a nice day today. Hospital first thing then out for lunch then a short walk by the river for the first time in ages. Wonderful. Felt normal for a bit.
Wyllow I’ve watched the Queens Gambit. It was excellent. Really enjoyed it.
The situation with family is always a difficult one. We have always been close to our sons both in life and location.
I’m not sure I will be able to explain exactly what I’m thinking but here goes. You said you love your son and he loves you. If he is reluctant to visit or feels for some reason he can’t please don’t look upon it as rejection or indifference. I loved my dear mum very much. She was the kindest person I have ever met and I did try and visit her every week (my brother and SIL lived close by to her) but sometimes it was a bit of a chore. Not because I didn’t love her but because I had other stuff to do with my family that I wanted to concentrate on. Also weekends were my only time off work and I was tired and had so much to do. Looking after DH and my children was my priority.
So if your son makes you feel he doesn’t really want to visit or can’t make it a regular thing please don’t look on it as indifference or rejection. Sorry does that make any sense?
Even those close families you mention have problems and worries and things don’t always go smoothly …….fantasy is just that. I worry that because of your Ex you will turn anything that isn’t full encouragement into them not wanting you because you have been let down so much before. x
Sweetpeasue I got so angry when I read your Pain management appointment is November. 😡. That’s ridiculous. If you are in pain you need it managed now not in months time. I don’t know (nor am I asking) your financial situation but I do know there comes a time where quality of life is worth more than savings. When you are in so much pain it overrides everything else. I wonder if you could pay to see them sooner.
Unlike some of the others I can’t offer help around your condition because of no experience but I do feel for you in the loneliness that comes from continuous bouts of pain that only you suffer.
Finally got our pub lunch and it was good thanks.
HVDY glad you are feeling better and got out for a break and some food. Does you good to start getting back to normal.
Well done on tackling the ironing. Mine is still sitting in the laundry basket 😥
Scaredycat so pleased your GGS is doing so well. It is hard for children especially boys to have an illness that makes them have to take care of themselves. Sounds as though he’s a very mature lad and is doing well. Good you got to see your cardiologist. It helps I think to talk to someone. We haven’t seen ours yet but do know she sees patients privately so will go that route if not followed up on NHS.
Yes another sunny day here too and a short walk. It felt so good to be out again by the river.
Candy your caravan sounds lovely. I love the sea and that would be my first choice to live but we stayed close to family instead, I love a coastal walk. Wind blowing and watching the sea. Bliss.
Nadateturbe I would love to go to art classes, what sort of things do you paint? You sound as though you have a good balance. A home with all the amenities you need and a holiday place with friends and nice community. Is it possible to make some improvements to your home that would give you better access like a stair lift or building on a downstairs loo?
Have a good sleep all.

Those dilemmas all make sense nadateturbe

Upgrading does mean a lot of planning and energy (which you are in short supply of) and having to sort of put off just 'living in the present'. It was interesting to hear the detail.

No chance of say a new build in seaside place? The GP issue is important, tho.
I liked the "forgot to go back' to group, sounds good! Letting "time" decide is no bad thing, because you've done the background work.

Sweetpeasue could you pay for Benenden After 6 months it might be helpful to you for consultations or tests?
I feel so very sorry for you suffering so much. I hope someone helps soon.
Wyllow3 I enjoyed the baby very much, paid for it afterwards but I loved it.
You asked about us moving, (or not!). The reasons we haven't moved are partly thinking of all the work involved in buying and then selling ours. I panic at the thought. We really need a home on one level or at least a downstairs wc. We've looked at many properties. We were very keen at first when looking but now we can see advantages to staying here, ie shops, cafes etc, short walk to train, very good GP practice. Very few of these in the little seaside town we are looking at. But we spend our leisure time there, our friends are mostly there and it's a very caring community. If we were younger it wouldn't be a problem. GP wouldn't be so important and refurbishing a property wouldn't be either (not much for sale in our search location that doesn't need upgrading).
Sorry for lengthy explanation. There is so much to consider about moving. I have decided, as a Christian, if I'm meant to move it will happen.🙂 Total cop-out, I know. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it too much.
I hope you manage to get to a definite decision but take your time.
Glad you're feeling better HVDY, and had a nice meal out.
Tiramasu is delicious.
Had a lovely time at art today. Painted for an hour and then some of us went for coffee and chat. And almost forgot to go back to class.😁. And a short walk after. Great day. And the sun was shining.
Hello Doodle thank you for kind words.
Scaredycat I love the history of NT places too, and it's lovely to wander round the gardens. Good about your grandson and lunches.
Hello to Whiff EllieAnne and Candy and anyone I may have missed.
Hope and pray for a peaceful night for all.

Yes, you need to ask for more and/or better targeted pain relief.

My feelings come with the Self Hater. Not been quite so aware of her before. Today has a lot to do with loss and confusion with Ex yet again. Are all the activities I’ve done to move on an avoidance of pain? Still the bewilderment, to quote the song ‘a safe place to land’
‘When the pain is all that they offer
Like the kiss from the lips of the monster’

Yet daily I look out on a lovely garden he did help create.

HVDY Really glad ylur tum has eased-you deserve nice meal. x

Scaredycat and Wyllow Your posts were so caring and helpful and your words to me so important as I feel so alone with this pain. Just, thankyou so much.
I appreciate all posts but so sorry I'm in a state right now. No let up - can't possibly have bladder stretched when its so bad. Theres a drug-Elmiron- that could help repair bladder lining in some IC patients. Think should ask for that on Saturday appt.
Cant cope with this pain so maybe GP will prescribe stronger med.

Do think of you all.

SweetpeaSue November is a long time to wait, but don't give up - you may get a cancellation and get in earlier (I hope so). I'm glad you'll be able to speak to the Urologist on Saturday. Make some notes so that you don't forget anything you need to ask.

ScaredyCat An old schoolfriend of mine is a Great Granny - her eldest GGC is about 10. She's 63!

Wyllow I hate those starts to some days - always in the morning - but when I get them, I remind myself that tomorrow will be different.

My stomach seems fine now, so DH and I had dinner at the pub - Chicken Jalfrezi then Tiramisu. (1st time I'd been out of the door for over a week, even though DH drove there, it was good to be "out"). I certainly won't lose any weight this week, but will get back on the diet at the weekend. Ironed 25 items, and did a bit of vacuuming.

Hope all BDers have a restful evening x

Despite the sun today descended into "what's the point of life I just want to go to sleep and not wake up". Nothing having much point: weary of struggling and so on no doubt.

except coming in here I can see already I am not alone in despair or near despair for Sweetpeasue you have been through so very much it is not surprising these feelings come

(and I realise that others not posting today or who only ever read feel these things too)

....and the wisdom about about families is really very helpful Scaredycat and Sweetpeasue

right now it would be nice to be standing on cliffs with the sun and sea ....and a nice flat easy path leading to a cafe Scaredycat wouldn't it! I bet you had your children young?(!?)

Another hoping the clinic helped Candy.

Sweetpeasue the pain is indeed too acute, too clouded in question marks about causes and too long for you to wait until November for the clinic - can you manage a private appointment? I do hope Saturday is helpful.

Has your tum held up, HVDY?

Thinking of everyone else not popped in today

Doodle- hope you,ve had a good day today and the sun is shining on you as it has been here.
GGS can now take his packed lunch for school so,is much happier . Up until this week he had to have his liquid food at Lunchtime.
We,ve been to a NT place near us today. We got there quite early so could look round without hordes of people. I love to imagine all the people who,have lived in these ancient buildings and what their lives were like. There were bluebells too which was a bonus.
SweetPeaSue- please don’t give up hope- although you must be getting exhausted by everything. Nov is a long time to wait for the Pain clinic. If you are able to,go,privately it might be worth considering as you won’t have to wait long and will have more time to talk. My cardiology appt was for Sept but I was so,scared I went privately and was so glad I did. The consultant was very kind and we talked for 40 minutes which helped my mental state enormously.
Glad you have aSat phone call - I have to write everything down I want to say as I get so nervous.
Hope you have some moments of peace today.
Candy- coastal path walking is our favourite but I can’t really do that anymore unless it’s really flat and then not far.
So,glad for you that you can have those lovely breaks - sounds wonderful. Are you learning to swim or do you do lots of lengths - very early start I,m full of admiration. Hope your visit to the Menopause Clinic was helpful for you.
Hope to MiL is doing OK.
Wyllow- Yes Queens Gambit is really good isn’t it- we binged it!
Sometimes I can’t believe it but between us we have 4 GGC the eldest is nearly 10 and the youngest 7 months. Told you I was ancient!!
You have a lot coming up so a good idea not to make any decisions re moving for a while. Maybe your son and children could just come visit for a day.
Those perfect families don’t really exist- we all muddle along as best we can - loving our children and enjoying the times we have with them. Your family will support you whatever you decide .
It would be good to say goodbye to the Alien- waiting is stressful.
Glad the sauna helped.
HVDY- good news that you are feeling a bit more like your old self. Don’t do too much ironing- tomorrow will be a busy day.
Hope you have a good time.
Love to all

Candy Hope all goes well at the Menopause clinic. That info about gel being more expensive, useful to know.
HVDY Glad to here you're feeling better so far. Looking good for your outing tomorrow.
Wyllow It's ok - - not many seem to know about IC let alone the various treatment/procedures. I do understand your feelings about moving and family. Ive had to accept that I will always be the one to make contact 90%of the time though I know they love me, in their own way.
I 'm glad the alien lump is nothing sinister. Hope you didnt wait much longer with phone queue.

Bladder pain bad in early hrs and no better so taken oramorph but limited relief. Managed the calls. Long story but seems I' m down for appt end of November with Pain Management clinic. Reluctantly been given phone appt slotted in to Urologist's busy clinic Sat morning. Can't imagine bladder will feel better after distention as its so painful. I dont think anyone will help me unless I go privately. Even then I dont think anything can be done. I'm afraid I'm losing hope and not much energy.

Waiting for Barium meal phone booking call it must be a long queue. Lovely sunny day here. Probably a gentle gym maybe a peep in at the bluebell woods.

Glad your tum seems to be returning to normal HVDY

Doodle That was disappointing not to get a pub lunch. Good that you and your husband got out for a while, though. I expect his aches will settle down, the more he uses his walker. Not seen The Diplomat, but watched "Guilt" last night on BBC iPlayer, which I'm enjoying.

ScaredyCat I'm pleased about your GGS's progress. He must be glad to be having normal food. Bless him.

SweetpeaSue Fingers crossed you can get to speak with someone today. How was last night?

Candy6 Your caravan holidays sound lovely. It must be great to be able to pack up and go off for a weekend. Hope the menopause clinic goes well.

Wyllow Good news about the alien being non-threatening. When's the barium meal? I think allowing yourself time to think about whether or not to move is sensible.

I feel more normal today, thankfully. Slept well. I'm going to tackle a load of ironing later (that's the plan, anyway), and I'll go out tomorrow. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

PS took back to the sauna which was nice.

HI nadateturbe sorry just missed you yesterday. It is sad not to have the energy to enjoy the baby properly, I was glad to hear after a rest you’d managed a walk yesterday in the sun. Especially with visitors and babies - how not to engage?

Sweetpeasue that was a horrible yesterday. You were wise to visit aunt and get out. Yes there is the dread of return of pain - I just so hope one day soon you at last feel equipped pain wise and ‘knowing what’s really going on” for that dread to recede. I wish I had something useful to contribute about the procedure but i dont understand it enough -decision, decisions…..

Phew HVDY slightly better tum report today. Psst on Netflix - just started watching “The Queens Gambit” worth a peep, I’m hooked.

Candy good caravan report. Cross fingers for the menopause clinic.

Disappointing pub report, Doodle. I imagine until MrD gets to move around a bit more, everything will hurt at first.

Scaredycat good to hear DGGS report (how on earth has time past so you have a GGS!!!)

You have all asked really good questions about me moving away to be near family.

Candy, DS has been involved to a certain extent, like he visited me as an inpatient only aged 25,

but what I meant was I have never laid any responsibility on him/them for me in that particular way. As in”you’ve got to sort of save me/look after me”,

as I’ve seen that happen with others, even teenage children responsible for mum..

My first DH tho a good bloke couldn’t cope really due to his own childhood
..the end result was that I could have got more help at the beginning in the early 2000’s had he been able to be involved, but in the end I learnt to ask for myself. Mostly.

But I’m sure I’m not alone in wishing there was someone who could come along and just look after me sometimes

and guide me to the right decision…. however this one is not one a counsellor would advise on,

my psychologist might if it really gets to me MH wise and it looks like I'm about to make a very bad decision.

It was the only topic of conversation with counsellor today and there is definitely not enough “coming from family” to encourage me enough for it to be exciting, not anxious.

Could I make a life here. Yes. and I know already that would be a nice flat not a house to have to look after.

Would family come down to visit me? Perhaps if I ask, but a “no” or fear of indifference feel risky. I will probably pluck up courage to ask when I tell them I can't come this month.

nadateturbe its interesting you’ve talked of moving but not done it…..is it energy levels or a definite decision?

Doodle it seems to me you made a very good choice to move when and where you did.

Current result of today with counsellor is to leave decisions for now as I have a breathing space until decorators come at the end of the month…and even longer if I am still as tired as I am now. I don’t actually feel well enough to go see family in two weeks even if I stay in a hotel and will need to tell them that.

Counsellor said ask them to come and visit! DS could do it in a day trip with one or two DGC.

Have to have more self resect - I’m either worth it to them for them to make more of an effort, like actually asking or mentioning the important questions/future planning

or accept that I love them and them me, but it will just not be a very close family relationship that everyone fantasises about... - and everything always complicated by very disabled DGD.

I have had results of Alien Lump at last and its removal but not dangerous. NHS wait is over 6 months so I am probably going to go into savings to get it done this month. I really do need this month for recuperation and getting op done and waiting for Barium Meal to try and work out bowel puzzle this month too. Enough unto the day (month) and all that.

Night night BD’s.

Evening all, finally caught up!
HVDY I’m sorry you’ve been so poorly but it sounds like you are recovering slowly. Some years ago, I had Novovirus (think that’s what it was called) and that was very nasty. Took ages for my appetite to recover and get my strength back. You take your time and rest. Your son is lucky to have his dad and brother helping him. It’s good when you know someone who is good at practical things. My dad was and so is DH. Saves a fortune! Hope he’s getting everything sorted. Hope the results of DH’s bubble ECG are ok too.
Scaredycat yes, my walk was by the sea. We have a coastal path close to our caravan so it’s lovely. I’m glad you still get to go for walks too. So good for our well being. Sounds like your sister is making slow, but steady progress. She must love being able to get out in her garden. I hope you’ve had a good day today.
Wyllow it’s natural that you may sway backwards and forwards regarding your move, it’s a big decision for you. I can understand you feeling proud that you didn’t involve your DS in your MH problems. That’s a brave thing to do. I’m afraid I can’t say the same. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in asking if they’d be willing to show you around, like others have said, they may not have even thought about it. Perhaps once you’ve made a firm decision as to whether you’d want to go or not, you could broach the subject. I hope your back is better and you’ve managed to get to the gym.
Doodle yes, the weather was pretty much good thank you. We had some rain, but mainly during the night thankfully. Your flat sounds lovely. I think one of the main reasons I like getting away to my caravan is the view of the sea. If I had a balcony like yours, I probably wouldn’t want to leave. Shame about the pub not serving food, so disappointing. Glad you’re getting more sleep though.
Sweetpeasue yes, our trips to the caravan are certainly a godsend. I feel lucky to have it. I would definitely inquire about the gel. I think it’s more expensive than the patches which is why they prescribe it first but if you think it would suit you better, then ask for it. I’m sorry you’ve been in so much pain again, it must be so difficult for you. I hope pain management get back to you very soon.
Ellie Anne I’m sorry you had a difficult weekend but I hope that being busier made it more bearable for you.
nanny2507 I’m so sorry you are struggling. I hope you have got people around to help. You could possibly think about contacting a bereavement charity like Cruse? Or there could be something close to you? It may not be for you but personally I’m a big believer in talking. We’re here for you too.
Whiff what good, sound advice to nanny. I’m sorry you were bereaved so young. Your continuing love for your DH shows in your post. He must have been very special and you must have lots of happy memories.
Nadaterturbe I understand what you say about you and your DH liking doing your own things. We do too and if it works, then fine. Do you like going to your caravan? Hope so. Nice to have somewhere to escape from time to time. I hope your pain has eased now too.
Off to bed now. Early start as swimming at 7, then long drive to the menopause clinic. Hope everyone has a restful, pain free night. ❤️ To all, especially those not personally mentioned. Take care.

HVDY I do hope you can get out tomorrow. I know how much you must need that after all week inside. Yes a relaxing drink, a netflix movie and hopefully a good night's sleep. You've had a really tough time.
Nadateturbe I couldnt flick back to last pge on phone and forgotton the part of your post where you'd bounced that lovely baby. They are adorable aren't they(and we can hand them back afterwards! ☺️). Hope your shoulders, arms ect have recovered.
Doodle V kind post to everyone. Hope you and DH are ok. What a shame about the pub not doing lunches. You must have been looking forward to something nice. I imagine the stroller will be using muscles not usually used. I hope they dont ache too much tomorrow.
I know I said Id be prepared to go through 'half' the op (though they still distend) but I 'm so scared it will make pain worse. Pain just wearing me down and not knowing. Dont do pelvic floor exercises Physio recommended as they bring on pain. All strange.
ScaredycatWhiff Candyand thinking of Nanny wishing a peaceful night all.

SweetPeaSue- I am so sorry that you are so distressed and in so much pain. I do hope you get help soon . I,m full of admiration how you manage to overcome it and get out . Your Aunt must have been pleased to see you. You are so full of courage. Hope you sleep wellxx
HVDY- I hope you have a good night tonight and feel stronger tomorrow. Cod and veggies will have done you good and built you up a bit. Take it easy if you go out tomorrow but you must be ready for a change of scene.
Doodle- glad you got out again -DH has been using different muscles so I think you’re right it’s the rollator. Being able to sleep better must be wonderful after those terrible nights - hope it continues .
Thank you for asking about DGGS each day he adds something different now and so far is managing very well .Today was his first day taking his packed lunch again for school. He still has to have a dose of his liquid food daily but thank goodness he likes it. I,m really proud of him and how he is coping.
Wyllow,Candy,Whiff,Nadateturbe,Nanny, EllieAnneand any I,ve forgotten wishing you a peaceful nightxxx

Candy hope you had a good time at your caravan. Was the weather nice?
Sweetpeasue I know when you’re not feeling well it’s hard to keep chasing appointments and consultants but sometimes it’s the only way to get results. I Hope you have more luck with the phone calls tomorrow.
It’s not surprising it brings you down day after day with the pain and not knowing when it’s coming. I sincerely hope when you eventually get the pain management they can help with this. You life revolves round how you are feeling.
Glad you managed a trip out to the shops and to see your aunt.
Take care.
HVdY glad things are getting back to normal for you. Not surprised you are tired and weak. You’ve lost a lot of weight and haven’t had much food inside you. Take it easy and build up your strength before you tackle too much.
Hope you enjoy your Netflix. Have you watched The Diplomat. I’ve just finished that.
Scaredycat hope you’ve had a good day. Does your GGS cope ok with his food regime at school? Hope he’s doing well.

Hello all. Went out again today for lunch but the pub wasn’t serving food 😥. We did walk though. DH has now got aching shoulders probably because he’s been using his walker for the first time in ages.
nadaterurbe that’s a really long post. You don’t have to worry we know you don’t have the energy. You don’t have to respond to everyone when you post. It’s fine just to pop in and let us know how you are. We understand.
I can understand why you wanted to cuddle the baby. . It’s hard to resist them isn’t it. I think we forget how heavy they actually are even at a young age. Glad you enjoyed a walk out too.
It’s nice now the days are getting more sunny.
Yes we are getting more sleep thank you. It’s so nice to be able to go to bed and not wonder how long it will be before we get up again.
Wyllow thank you for explaining the background. I do see where you’re coming from.
Do you actually want to go and live near your son or is it something you feel you ought to do if you move?
I thought nadateturbe raised an interesting question If you suddenly found you couldn’t move would you be pleased or
Disappointed. I would ask it the other way. If you found you could move now would you be excited or anxious?
If your son and his family were not part of the equation where would you like to be? And what sort of place do you think you would like, house, bungalow, flat somewhere with communal facilities?
You do seem to have a lot going in where you live now with Quakers and all. Could you be happy staying where you are?

SweetpeaSue I do hope you'll be able to speak with someone tomorrow. The pain must get you down such a lot. I really hope it doesn't return later. I've been eating normally today, and my bowels have been normal (1st time for a week), but I feel so very weak and shaky. Done nothing today, not been out of the house for a week. I hope I'll be ok tomorrow. A couple of vodkas and a decent sleep might help .

Wyllow You've got a lot to think about. I don't envy you that, but perhaps you'll be a bit more decided after your trip to see the family.

ScaredyCat, Glad your sister seems to be getting on better now.

I feel absolutely knackered today - I'm going to have some cod and lots of vegetables, then sit and watch something on Netflix later. Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening x

Nadateturbe, Doodle, Whiff, Candy and EllieAnne, hope you're all ok.

HVDY Do hope you're feeling a bit stronger today and the excessive loo trips have stopped. You need to be right for the nice trips out planned this week.
Nadateturbe I know what you mean about the gardening. Bending over pots is a killer. I used to be able to do so much more. Hope youve been ok today. It is nice to see the garden coming to life though, no matter what we do to it.
Wyllow The acceptance of being who we are now and not wishing for what we were before--its a hard one. There's also the bit about the courage to change what we can and wisdom to know the difference Now there's a conundrum. There's a lot to be said about your settled and comfortable life-Quakers, Gym-so must be difficult to decide about moving. Perhaps the trip to family will help.
Doodle I hope you dont have too many hospital visits this week. Also that you might be able to fit in another very gentle walk. My knees are def not the same since Ive been off HRT. Got through to Pain M secretary and left message amd my phone no as she wasn't available. So difficult to contact people. When I get letter from Gynaecologist consultant will check if everything is correct. Hope your night was ok.
Scaredycat Thankyou for the update about your sister. So pleased she's making progress. I hadn't realised that you meant you both had tinnitus.
Candy Thankyou for your kind words too. Hope youve been ok today.

Sorry didnt post yesterday. Bowel felt like exploding with pressure and a 'hard' like pain. So difficult to describe. Dosed up with painkiller so couldnt think or see straight. V scared about it all. Will contact Pain M again if dont get back to me. Rand Urologist sec - got recorded message saying not working Mon n Tuesday. 🙄. Will call her again tomorrow to see if can get Urologist to distend bladder just enough to inspect but not the full distention meant to attempt therapeutic level.

I just can't believe pain in so many areas but mustnt feel sorry for myself as I'll go under. Bladder pain early hrs but eased off later so been to shop/cafe then visited aunt. Sorry-but I know it will come back later and dreading it.

Sorry if left anyone out. Hope everyone's day has been ok. I know you all have such a lot to cope with.
Thankyou for the song link Wyllow
Beautiful video with nature scenes too.

Evening all, just a quick visit tonight as we were late getting back and work early tomorrow. Thinking of you all especially those in pain both physically and emotionally ❤️. Will catch up properly tomorrow. Hope all have a restful night xx

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