Black Dog 17

Ellie Anne just seen your last post and have to say that isn’t true. You haven’t done anything to deserve this. We all make mistakes. Do things we wish we hadn’t. With the benefit of hindsight many of us would do things differently.
You do deserve better. You deserve to be happier in your life.
We can’t control others or how they act. Please don’t think like this. I wish you could find a place of your own but I know that’s out of the question.
I can’t remember if you are on antidepressants or not. Is it something you would consider to try and lift your spirits.

Oops, friends and family were 2 separate days Scaredycat 😏.

Doodle that tiredness sounds awful. To suddenly feel like that is a indeed a shock. There must be some reason why your tiredness has increased. And your husbands back has got worse. Such a lot to cope with. No wonder you look forward to a glass of wine. And it's lovely that you're so helpful in spite of being tired.

EllieAnne if happiness was only allocated to those who had done no wrong or made no mistakes, there would be no happy people on this earth.
We are human beings and human beings make mistakes. I could never count the mistakes I have made. So many things I wish I had done differently. We all have. So stop thinking you only deserve punishment.

(As a Christian I believe in God's forgiveness).

Whiff Those little animals are really cute. Your SIL is very talented, and her MS clearly doesn't stop her from doing some things. Thank you, I'll get through to the GP on Monday. Hope you're ok today.

HVDY Glad you enjoyed your holiday. So sorry to hear about the Lymphoedema though, no wonder you're fed up.It must be quite painful with the vasculitis aswell. I haven't noticed any change with the Lansaprazole as I never had any symptoms to begin with. Rarely get heartburn and no acid probs, I'm lucky. The baby jckt is v simple and all knit in gst. It's not work of art or anything 🤔but will post a pic when finished.
EllieAnne I hate mirrors so much which has given me a hairdresser phobia. Hair is so wispy too, I understand completely how you feel. As Doodle says, there cant be many people who have not made mistakes they wish they hadnt, I know I have. But you really do not deserve any bad stuff in life, you are a good person. Thinking about the walking alone in woods I'm concerned I might have been a bit blasé about it. While not wanting you to miss out on your much needed walks I would be careful too. I know I'd feel a bit uncomfortable myself but we're not all the same and as Wyllow says her local woods feel safe to her aswell.

Will get back later.Posting on phone and cant revisit your posts on prev page without losing mine.
Only v brief pain this morning but still feeling low and irritable. We took aunt for groceries this morn and I feel guilty for finding it really stressful. Last week having talk with son 2 he mentioned hed love some of this Gingerbread Cake used to do. (think he thought it good therapy for me-or phaps not). What a state I got into this aft. Black Treacle and syrup everywhere, was just not concentrating. Anyway turned out ok. I'm just so irritable. Back later.

Wyllow It's good to walk along a beach, isn't it? 50 minutes - I'm impressed (I can do about 10 then need to sit down and start again). The mornings are the worst for me, too, and I often tell my husband he deserves someone better than me (less of a burden, someone attractive, slim, fit and funny). I was those things once. I like WhatsApp too - the family (including 12 yr old GD) all keep in touch via that.

ScaredyCat You didn't have rain yesterday? It poured all day, from Isle of Wight to Nottingham, it never stopped. Glad you managed to meet a friend for coffee.

EllieAnne You haven't done anything to deserve anything bad. It's just the way in which life pans out sometimes. Is there no way at all you could rent somewhere/get some financial help?

Doodle I will certainly ring the GP on Monday, thanks. I rang 111 this afternoon, hoping they might somehow get me an appointment or prescription. After speaking with 3 different people (all very friendly and sympathetic), it was suggested that I go to A&E for blood tests and chest xray! I don't think so, on a Saturday! Frustrating. Are you having a move around of your furniture? Hope your DH's back improves by tonight.

nadateturbe Fishfinger sandwich sounds good. With crusty bread? I got my pyjamas on at 6.30 - I love getting my bra off and getting comfortable.

DIL has been texting (we message each other daily) and sent me photos of baby. They're coming to see us in the week . She's a lovely girl. Hope all BDers have a restful night. x

SweetpeaSue Just missed you. Sorry you're feeling irritable. I'm not surprised, as things seem to keep happening with you (pain etc). I've been irritable too, and frustrated. Vodka time soon, I think. Will you have a drink of something?

Thank you all. I’m having a glass of wine too and then going to watch I pad in bed. Good night everyone

Wyllow Good idea aboutcoming out upfront with main concern thanks. Makes perfect sense. Your 50min beach walk was really good. Sorry about the black mood though and I absolutely can ID with a good mood followed by an extreme black mood. Hope weather better tomorrow, so much wind here too.
Whiff Those little animals are so cute. Badger is my favourite is that a baby Badger in its arms? Cross stitch does take a long time, you are so patient.
Scaredycatovely post to us all. I did try knee support but felt v tight and uncomfortable. Think my knees must be a bit podgy. Thanks for your kind words. Wow! The Alp walking sounds breathtaking.
Doodle Oh dear, hope DHs back will feel better soon. (You are so naughty but you did make me laugh!)
That painting you do soumds v adventurous. Your tiredness does sound extreme though. Might you be anaemic? Sorry if youve already had blood tests and Ive missed it. It doesn't seem right though.
HVDY A drink? I think I deserve 1 tonight. Tbh it doesn't appear to make any did to bladder at all.

Quite tired tonight.Was replying to you all by reading prev pge of posts on DHs phone.Got call from frantic aunt with smoke alarm going off in background. Think she'd panicked and told her DD, got mixed up and DD, living 3/4 hr awaycalled Fire Engine.DH went off to help Aunt.Sorted stuff and spoke to firefighters who checked absolutely everything so he's only just got back.
Alls well, ends well.

Take care all and wishing everyone a peaceful night. x

Hope

EllieAnne Cheers and night night. x

Sweetpeasue your irritability and low mood is perfectly understandable, so much pain to cope with, and not knowing when.
My husband uses tubular bandage which comes in different widths.
Home made ginger cake sounds delicious, but I know what you mean. When I bake I'm exhausted, sore arms, and I look at the pile of implements and messy worktops and think am I mad? how cheaper and easier to buy. But it's just nicer baking it.
Enjoy your vodka HVDY. I hope it lifts you. Goodnight all.x

Woke utterly wiped out and v low whats the point et al overdid it yesterday..

Agonised depressively all morning about tonights planned "meal out together at pub" until plucked up courage to say no thanks. Thye've been kind and made an effort. Its brother really who wants to be more active, outings etc with others, so in a way I'm not "guest needing entertaining" which fine with sis. Feeling useless cant even do x y z etc and it stands out when with others. Extra meds called for to cope.

Relieved to be going home tomorrow but it's a long day.

Wyllow Sending a hug. You sound so helpless. Seems living close to other's more active life can throw a spotlight on the inabilities of own condition. So sorry. You might be having bad day today though remember you are capable of 'good' days too. How lovely it must have been for you to have that beach walk (though I understand any resentment/sadness/disillusionment at having to 'pay' for it. 😑) It must be so hard to cope with ME/CFS on top of coping with sorrow of break up.
I dont have ME but understand the unfairness and weariness of helplessness situations that seem endless with no answers. Just sending love.
Nadateturbe Hadn't thought of tubular bandages as just tried the ultra firm elastic pull on things. Thanks. I shouldn't complain about baking a bloomin cake anyway, as unlike yourself I'm not having to cope with your tiredness. Its just the irritability of low mood and endless situation. Anyway it turned out ok. Best after couple of dys so will give to son tomorrow. Hole youre ok today.

Had such a bad dream--completely alone-sudden realisation parents/family all gone. Woke crying in pain-- all the whys and continual situation. Then few hrs later ok painwise and after going out to cafe and buying buttons for baby knit /DH bought canvas feeling more normal and brighter. Hope everyone ok.

Glad things have picked up Sweetpeasue.

Took extra meds minimal effect but if I were at home I'd be ringing crisis line its that bad. Just trying to endure. I feel sick and ill like flu well as tired out and mood.

Oh Wyllow. Could you still ring Crisis line while in room resting? If that's not feasible looks like enduring is all possible. Thinking of you. x

No..if ringing brings vv difficult stuff up, not near means of help, endure and meds. xx

Oh Wyllow3 it's so depressing when you can't do normal things, you almost feel you should apologise, or that others won't understand, at least that's how I feel. The flu like symptoms often happen with M.E. after you've made a big effort and done much more than normal. (normal for you). But sometimes it's worth it to have some good times.
It's also sad being reminded of your limitations and what you used to be able to do. I try not to think about it. Sending hugs.

Wyllow it’s lovely your family want to involve you in doing things but perhaps it’s a bit too much full on compared to your normal life at home. Glad they accepted your reasons for not going to the meal. They sound very nice and caring.
You sound a bit like DH and I felt on the cruise when we found we couldn’t keep up as we had before. It comes as a bit of a shock to the system.
You will be relieved to go home tomorrow and then possibly may feel the loss of their company. It’s how it goes isn’t it.
Hope the meds have helped by now. Is your brother driving you home?
Must be hard to put on a face while you’re with them. Hope tomorrow you can ring crisis from home if you still feel so bad,
Sweetpeasue your poor aunt must have been in a panic. Nice of your DH to help out.
Don’t think I’m anaemic but the loss of energy is either extra weight (of which there’s a lot. Lack of exercise also a factor or perhaps my heart isn’t supplying enough oomph for me)
Good idea to remind others we can have good days intermixed with the bad. Sometimes we forget that.
Glad your cake turned out ok. Hope your son likes it. How has your knee been. The bandage is a good idea.
nadatetube it is difficult with others isn’t it. If people haven’t suffered with ME or don’t know anyone who suffers with it, they just can’t possibly understand how debilitating it is and how it can be worse some days than others.
HVDY it’s lovely you have such a good relationship with your DIL and she sends you pictures. Those early days babies change so much in a short time. Hope you get in to see GP early tomorrow and get some help with your lymphoedema. What a shame your holiday ended like that.
Ellie Anne like me, other have said the same thing. You are not a bad person and do deserve to have some happiness in your life. I wish you didn’t feel so bad about yourself.
I will always raise a glass 🍷 with you.
Scaredycat the last two days we have had loads of walkers passing by. Must be some sort of charity walk as there have been so many of them. Felt so sorry for them yesterday and today when there has suddenly been the most torrential downpour. They were all trying to get their macs out of their rucksacks. Many were wearing shorts. They must have got very cold and damp during the downpours.
With DHs bad back we haven’t been out. Have you been anywhere this weekend?

All very on point Doodle, yes I do feel that bad but cant bear my family finding out and dont feel free to speak out in case, and if I ring now call back could be anytime at all unpredictable they might walk in

...and yes hopefully better once home just as you found...and yes comparisons., it must have been tough for you but you weren't able to mention it here while in holiday ....x

What a sad dream Sweetpeasue. You're probably depressed with all the pain, and that caused the sad dream. It's hard getting older and losing family, and wishing they were still with us. The sadness is always there. Giving you a hug.
I'm glad you felt a bit better after going out. Look forward to seeing this little baby jacket.
I've been to Lidls for my favourite chocolate and a short walk along the marine highway. Met a lovely lady who has just moved here from England and doesn't know many people. We had a pleasant chat, and she lives in the same street!

Promising, nadatateurbe

Wyllow3 Your family sound very caring and understanding. Being with others is nice, but I think it difficult to "put on a front" (I do that a lot). It'll be good to get home and find the decorating has been done. Perhaps then you can ring the MH team if you need to.

SweetpeaSue Your DH was good to help out with the situation with your auntie. I bet your son will love the cake. What colour wool are you using? I didn't have any vodka last night - I dozed off whilst watching tv and then it was too late . Your dream must have upset you. I thought about my mum recently and had a little cry. It's when I'm not feeling well that I get like that.

Doodle We hadn't been away for 4 years, so having this leg problem certainly spoilt it. My legs aren't as bad today, although bad enough. Yes, I'll try to get things sorted out tomorrow. Thanks. The weather has been pretty miserable here, too - some odd periods of sunshine, but mainly rain. I wonder where all those people were walking to?

*Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening. x

Wyllow Re your calling Crisis at sis-of course, I understand. Do hope you feel better tomorrow.
Doodle I've put some weight on too and I hate it. Its so hard to lose but so v easy to gain. Dont know what's happened to the weather. No rain for week after week and then downpours accompanied by sudden winds like a tropical storm. Just a smoke detector gone haywire at aunt's. My knee no better. It wont fully bend so if going downstairs or slope it's difficult. Can only come down stairs one at a time trying to keep bad knee from fully bending as it feels as if something is 'coming out'. Ringing GP tomorrow about it as not followed it up since having xray. Sorry your DHs back no better.
HVDY Such a shame about your holiday and your legs. You must be feeling quite fed up with it all. I hope Drs can help tomorrow. The pattern for baby jacket dictated the colours, I'm afraid. (It stated a particular brand wool too but drew the line at that). Perhaps they didnt want a lot of pink or too much blue but although top part white other half is a sort of coffee /brown, which I thought odd. My mum and myself were so opposite personality wise but she was fiercely protective of us. You never get that again do you? That child is still there in all of us. You're right that we miss that nurturing most when we are feeling 'lost'.
Nadateturbe You've mentioned chocolate a few times and its def my weakness too. Ive been giving in and comfort eating far too much lately.
That's true about getting older and losing people. My dream seemed surreal in that it had that atmosphere I was alone and left in an empty world as if there'd been an apocalypse. Thankyou for the hug. Seems like we're all in need lately. Oh the baby jckt is v basic, a sort of crossover front. Hope youve been ok today.

Hoping everyone's weekend ok. X

due to leave 8.30am, worst day for a long time xx all BD's.