Black Dog 17

Phew I’m exhausted. Never knew having a cleaner would be so exhausting. 🤣. Still, done more tidying today. Why we keep so much junk I will never know. DH is very much one of the “that might come in useful one day” people and I’m not much better. (Clothes I will never get in again except in my wishful thinking)
Sweetpeasue is it possible you could join the surgery the Nurse Practitioner is from if it sounds better than yours. I know you have a GP you like there but how often do you get to see her/him. I have never heard of patients being charged for a urine sample bottle before. Your surgery doesn’t sound very friendly. Hope the new cream helps the itchiness.
Ellie Anne unhappiness is one of the biggest issues there is. Along with feeling miserable and life feeling pointless. Your DD has MH problems I would have thought she’d be more sympathetic. I suppose maybe your family just don’t want to acknowledge the problem as they would have to confront it and it’s easier just to let things continue.
I do Hope thé party has gone well and your DGS had a good time.
HVDY first time in my life I’ve ever had a cleaner. not sure I will again. It is an agency and they have their own set things they do. I would rather they did what I want but it’s like options you can have this and that etc. To have what I really want done would cost almost as much as Wyllows car repair 🤣
How is foxy? Does he stay in your garden or wander off. I Hope he doesn’t come through a hole in the hedge because if he keeps eating like this he may get stuck one day.
Well I hope you made him eat all his chicken dinner before he was allowed his pudding 😊 (jam sandwich)
Wyllow done more de cluttering today but it’s all in bags waiting to go to the charity shops or recycling. The place doesn’t look any different but I know the drawers are tidy and the shelves clean. I will tackle kitchen de clutter after they’ve been. Hope your sis can give you advice. DH has similar problem with all his meds. We have oats soaked in yoghurt for breakfast with raisins, nuts and bran. That combined with Movicol seems to work most of the time.
Raisins are good (advised by bowel consultant) as you can just add more if you need to or chew a handful during the day.
🤣 yes the topics we discuss on this thread! However, it’s good to be able to talk and as so many meds, pain killers and others cause stomach problems it helps to hear how others cope.

Sweetpeasue glad to hear of less physical pain - minds don't do what they "should" however - like be grateful to order, and this weather doesn't help.

Doodle my mum was a "it might come in useful" person and got worse. It's a good job you are there to balance DH. I sympathise re the cleaners because I have the opposite - she will do whats asked and of course I know her and that's much more comfy. I'm still glad when it done as I don't really like any "home invasion". I've more or less reacted against my mums style and do get rid over the years and have said goodbye to the clothes recently that are too small. (laxative wise I think I need a GP review until I get a gastro appointment and dietician -not a lot of wiggle room that my sis could suggest - best hope is not to need same levels of constant anti inflammatories too long)

Ellie Anne I hope it's gone reasonably well. (I was thinking about DD and her feelings and reflected that sometimes family can't be the most supportive as they are sort of involved too much in the feelings).

Last night was appalling - very black hole, pits such emptiness and nothing can makeit better feeling. I did go to the Quakers and it helped a bit - I nearly ran away not facing people at the end but did chat and that was OK/bit better, but it did identify the black hole reasons - I spent the first half of the afternoon crying for losses of Ex and always come back to did he ever love me, the cruel twist, wishing for what I'll never get, that point where there is acknowledgment of anything having been good.
Woke later back in the black hole and so weary of life.

Because I do "the right things" and my mind can turn them around as it's just not well.

I might feel better when car is sorted - its my lifeline out to the world - there is a small chance that my regular garage will get the equipment needed for vital tests, will know late Tuesday, otherwise its phoning round. Problem is going anywhere strange is so hard - never mind the bank balance - it breaks into my fragile routines..

HVDY yes another day of rain - how did you pass the time today?

Doodle Sounds like your cleaner will have nothing to do when she gets there. She will love coming to yours.
Your breakfast is nice. We have bran flakes but add fruit(raisins) n nuts with crunchy dried banana bits(Tesco trail mix). Though usually have at lunch. Movicol is good. My DH like yours. He keeps goodness knows what-just in case. The nurse practitioner was based in a different surgery to the one I saw her in which is much further away. However there is another 4mls away which is possibility. Will need to ask a few questions. I think Ive a big problem with decision making and hate change fearing I'll go from 'frying pan into the fire'.
EllieAnne I do hope today hasn't been as bad as you thought and everything went well. You are still a person in your own right, even if it doesn't feel that way. Our AC go off and live their own lives, and that can be hard as they dont need us in the same ways, but you have your own life too. Your own happiness to consider too.
Wyllow I'm terrible about 'home invasion' and have put off so many things that need doing until its dire.
Glad you managed to get to Quakers-its so easy to put off facing people when we dont feel like it. There are times though when it doesnt help. Really sorry for your awful afternoon full of heartbreak and loss. Its such early days and I guess there's no escaping this terrible part of grieving. 💐. Sending a gentle hug.
The car prob is an extra problem you can do without. Really hope it can get sorted for late Tuesday.

Hoping all BDs are ok.

SweetpeaSue I hope the rash goes soon. It's hard to feel "grateful" when suffering.

Doodle My husband keeps a lot of stuff "just in case". His shed is full of junk. The fox must have a place nearby (I suspect it's under next-door's shed). He comes through a gap in between our fence and her next door. He (obviously, I don't know the sex) only comes at night, usually between 10.30 and midnight.

Wyllow3 So sorry you've been feeling so low and full of all the torment of wondering about your exes, etc. Perhaps this miserable weather, and the lack of a car at the moment, perhaps has made things worse today.

EllieAnne Wondered how things went with your GS's birthday. Was the cake good?

I've done very little (again). My legs have had the burning sensation, and the tops of my feet are very painful - as if I'd dropped something heavy on them and they're badly bruised (I haven't and there's no bruising). They've been like it for over a week now, so I'll try to ring the GP tomorrow (not sure whether that will help). It must be to do with the Vasculitis, and I've been so fed-up with it.

Hope all Ders have a relaxing evening x

Wyllow i dont like home invasion either. If I was having a regular cleaner it would be easier to get done what I wanted but this is a one off spring clean because of my broken wrist I’ve not been able to tackle certain things myself.
I’m sure at one point your ex did love you but his own MH problems got in the way. I doubt it was all act from the beginning.
I do Hope you get your car fixed soon. Routine can be so important.
Sweetpeasue there’s always a risk in changing surgery but your current one doesn’t sound very helpful.
I love trail mix and dried banana too. Now you’ve got me thinking of a banana milkshake for some reason. 😋
HVDY do you stay up to watch foxy come and visit?
So sorry your legs and feet are causing such problems. Hope you manage to get a GP appointment in the morning.
Scaredycat Ellie Anne Candy hope your weekend was ok.
Early night for us tonight as up early for the cleaners.

Sorry it's been a bad leg day HVDY. I really hope the GP can find some remedy to reduce the pain and bruising sensations.

Very wise, Sweetpeasue, about "out of the frying pan". Good idea to do your research and ask around etc.

Actually Doodle after the time you've both been through a real good "top to bottom" clean of the flat is the best option. My cleaner is so comfy to be around that if I'm in my dressing gown it's OK (she comes at 9, which is early for me, just waking up from nights needs etc). she's a bit more than a cleaner really as she will willingly help me move "not too heavy-but too heavy for me" stuff around. Most of her "ladies" are older than me but she understands the CFS.

But I do tidy the day before and it's a useful discipline.

Really struggling with the bloating and constipation. I am actually waiting for both gastro and dietician appointments. (FODMAP stuff) Ideally I can cut the anti-inflammatories sooner rather than later.

Doodle you say "I’m sure at one point your ex did love you but his own MH problems got in the way. I doubt it was all act from the beginning".

No, it wasn't all act, but now I know him better and talked to counsellor - how can I put it - it wasn't what I thought.

I'm very wholehearted and throw myself into stuff, and in the past my relationships have been with people who were more like that - but there is a limit of what Ex was actually capable of feeling-wise.
To get what he wants he is capable of pretence

but not realising there is anything wrong with it, indeed assuming thats the way the world works

So if I didn't behave how I should (according to the rules of a game I never know existed) he acted to try to change me by undermining or threat.

Well today went ok. The cake was very simple but tasted good. Son 1 was grumpy as usual but to be fair they do have a lot of problems. But dh doesn’t seem to be a part of it. It’s all so sad.I’ve finished off the cava I started earlier with d in l 2 and going to bed. Was awake much of last night worrying. Sleep well everyone.

Im glad it went OK EllieAnne not surprised after last night.
"It’s all so sad"
So it is x
Hope you sleep better tonight.

I've got a psychologists appointment by Zoom at 10am.
I had the most horrendous nightmares that she was discarding me (people know my fears of discharge) in gory detail in a very careless manner and woke utterly shattered.

I will of course bring this dream up. but one feature of it was that when I realised in the dream I was being "discarded" by her and a male nurse (that could be significant re Ex) I actually showed a lot of emotion the despair came out.

Her manner tends to bring out the calm analysing Wyllow and a concern with MH workers has always been that my being articulate gets in the way (and at times, it really has - wellness connected with my being able to articulate).

I dont feel able to be as grown up as I have to be to manage my life! (doubt I'm alone here)

Wyllow you say you don't feel able to be as grown up as I have to be to manage my life.

But from what I have read you are managing your life. You are getting help you need ,going out and taking each day as it comes.

Yes your have suffered terribly in your marriage and with your physical health problems. Which have effected your mental health. But you still keep going day to day and getting on with your life.

I know letting go of the past is very hard but it's past its gone . At some point you have to let it go . If you don't it stops you living in the now and future. I can't imagine the cruelty you suffered at your husband's hands and him turning up a your gym churned everything up again.

I don't know how old you are but at some point you have to let the past go. And I know that's bloody hard and scary but it's holding you back . You have a present and future to look forward to . Be proud of all you have achieved and getting through each day. Because you haven't given up fighting to be who would want and need to be.

Took me from 2004 until 2019 to finally live the life I wanted and needed. After my husband died I existed I didn't live . Had to many people depandant on me plus all my own health problems. I put everyone else first and it cost me health wise.

Moving gave me the life I wanted and needed. It cost me my son and 3 grandson's but that was his choice I had no say as he hasn't spoken or see me since April 2020 . He despatched me via email. After 3 years of him causing me pain . I have decided not to let him hurt me anymore. I am done. If he wants me he knows where I live. I still love my son but the son I knew for 32 years not who he is now .

I had to let go of any hope of seeing him or my grandson's ever again. Because the only person suffering was me. But for all the pain he has caused me it's nothing compared to my husband's death. I lost half of me and haven't been whole since. But I live my life to the full because of him.

At some point we have to say enough is enough.

I don't have the mental health problems you all have . But have enough physical health problems. But I was born disabled and been in constant pain for as long as I can remember . If the pain stopped I would think I was dieing 🤣. While it can stop me doing things the way I want I have learnt how to do things my way. I can't let my body rule my life or what's the point. My husband had his life cut short he was 47. I am now 65 and doing everything I can to hopefully have another 20 years. As long as I don't get dementia. As I know what looking after some with it can do to you. I looked after my mom for her last 18 months of life she had cancer as well. I loved my mom and even though she attached me daily for 4 months it wasn't my mom . She died long before her body. Took me a year to stop remembering her as she became. But the violence was out of fear I understood that . She didn't know who she was ,where or who I was . Her greatest fear was in her terms was to lose her marbles unfortunately she did.

But all I remember know is the love and support my parents gave me. And know realise what they must have gone through with me as a baby and young children. I have seen what HPX does to the young. They must have been terrified .

Wyllow hope your counselling goes well today . And hope you can let go of some of the past and look to the future.

I wish the same for all of you. You all have your own physical and mental pain plus that of loved ones to cope with. But cope you do it shows in your posts no matter how low you feel you carry on fighting everyday . And that takes a lot of strength. I don't think you realise how strong you are or how much you help others with you honesty.

Doodle- I,m sure I would be like you if I ever had a cleaner. DH helps a lot with the housework now I,m not quite so fit.
He is another one with the “might come in usefuls”- think it’s a man thing. After we sorted out our fitted wardrobe a couple of weeks ago we took 10 pairs of his shoes to the clothes bank none of which had seen the light of day for years
Did you get your Banana shake!! I don’t like those dried banana pieces in cereal I,m scared of breaking my teeth.
We had a nice weekend thanks but quite busy so my feet are up this afternoon😀
SweetPeaSue- it’s not an easy decision to change surgeries is it. Although yours is not user friendly there is the frying pan - fire scenario to consider.
The other day you said you had Aveeno on your bedside table did it help with your itching?
EllieAnne- glad yesterday went off well - hope GS enjoyed himself . I m sure everyone had a nice afternoon.
Your situation is so very sad - your DH seems to get no joy from anything. Nice to have a DiL you can share a bottle with- hope you slept well.
HVDY- your legs and feet sound so uncomfortable- is it difficult to wear shoes at the moment?
Hope the GP has managed to help you today- you are probably right about the Vasculitis.
Your DH another just in caser!! I love having a good old clearout- a skip would be a treat!!!
Wyllow- I hope you had a productive Zoom meeting.
Bad dreams can be so unsettling but that is all they are - dreams. Sometimes they help to sort out stuff in your head.
I think you are wonderfully articulate and think it’s a huge attribute.
I have no doubt that you had a passionate and loving relationship with your Ex .But his state of mind made him cruel and manipulating and ruined everything and everyone he touched. The good times did exist for you and the love but the combination of being worn down and the self doubt that it engendered over the years is yours to banish. You have a future don’t let him ruin that too. You are strong and more capable than you think- we only get one life - live it as much as you can.
Whiff- I don’t really talk much on here about my past but in my 1st marriage I suffered both mental and physical abuse which has coloured my life ever since.After the tragedy that happened I just had to hold what was left of my family together. I made a new life and met my DH. But what you say is right you have to let the bad stuff from the past go. Many years later my MH became fragile and I have struggled a bit but now thanks to eventually taking meds I am feeling mentally stronger.
You are an inspiration to us all and your posts bring hope and encouragement. Thank you.
Love to all

What lovely thoughtful and insightful posts today.

Read both very carefully. Listening to you both is very rewarding.

Thank you for sharing your own relevant experiences and Scardeycat that you've been in that situation.

You are both right of course. I have resources but find it difficult to connect to them.

Psychologist was good. She didnt fall into the trap I feared. she cant give me what both of us know I need due to resources (which is a MH worker fortnightly)

But she did offer me the chance to do some particular therapy I haven't done before - with her or another psychologist - that is about accepting and being more happy with limitations. I'm thinking about it. I will never be able to change some thought patterns but learning to live with them would be good.

its called ACT

"Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT therapy) is a type of mindful psychotherapy that helps you stay focused on the present moment and accept thoughts and feelings without judgment. It aims to help you move forward through difficult emotions so you can put your energy into healing instead of dwelling on the negative."

Just for those interested and know CBT, the difference:

"ACT and CBT are similar in that they can help clients break through difficult thoughts and feelings. However, both approach this goal differently: In CBT, you learn to reframe any harmful thought patterns.

In ACT, you would learn to accept your situations and negative feelings as a typical part of life.

I don't want to jump into it as I'm doing counselling and one never does more than one, and also ACT requires you to undertake set tasks that need more mental energy than I have atm and probably less wobbly till some more time passes.

I'm wondering how people trying to contact their doctors today got on?

Scaredycatwhat you said to EllieAnne jumped out. Living with a DH like that, so hard.

Doodle We don't stay up to watch the fox - he came at 9.45 last night. The bottom of the garden is dark and unlit, but we've got CCTV there (Son1 installed cameras, years ago), so we saw him on that. Did your cleaner arrive ok and do what you wanted?

EllieAnne Glad the cake was nice. Doesn't your husband get involved in playing with the GC? Did your GS have a nice birthday?

ScaredyCat You've had sad/bad times in your life, yet you're happy now and feel so much stronger now. I'm glad. Yes, the upper parts of my feet are too painful to wear shoes or socks. I'm wearing flipflops, which of course are no good with all the rain we keep having.

Wyllow3 I haven't heard of ACT before, but perhaps it would be of use to you at a later date? Your current counselling sessions seem to be helping you.

How are other BDers today? I didn't ring the GP - I doubt they'd be of any use, as it's the hospital that's dealing with my Vasculitis, so I rang the Neurologist's secretary. She said she'd ring me back, but hasn't. I get my information/support from 2 Vasculitis Facebook sites, and a few people on there have had the tenderness in the feet like I'm getting. It seems Paracetamol/Ibuprofen is all I can do at the moment, so I'll grin and bear it. Not been out of the house since Friday, but I'll have to get out tomorrow, I'm getting very maudlin being indoors all the time. Hope everyone is ok x

I hope you can get out tomorrow, HVDY - we all need to get out and you especially are a very social animal. Well done on working out "best treatment for now" until you can get hold of the Neurologist.

(yes, I'm thinking like you, later date, and need to know much more)

Thanks, Wyllow. I'll get out tomorrow, no matter what. GD (just 12) messaged me, upset because her hamster isn't well (stumbling about) and mum wouldn't take it to the vet today. I've told GD I'll pick her up and take it tomorrow.

Oh dear, Hamsters don't live very long! Hope it's OK.

Feeling rubbish . Was concerned because hadn’t spoken to dd for a while so messaged and she phoned. Everything I said was wrong. She’s not a chatty person. I said I wished she was nearer so I could pop in and she turned it round that I was making her feel guilty for moving. And so it went on till I broke down . Got a message later but it didn’t help. She wants me to be happy with what I have. I am happy with some things but not others. I’m going to back off and let her do the contacting.

Ellie Anne glad the party went well and your cake was nice. Sorry it had to be spoilt today by an upsetting phone call with your DD. Difficult when you try and be supportive and your words keep being misunderstood or twisted. I Hope now that she realises you’re upset and as she’s messaged you hope things will settle down. If you could be happy just by wishing it the world would be a different place but sadly that doesn’t happen. Your DD refuses to see how unhappy you are with your life.
Good idea to let her come back to you in her own time.
Drink and early night I think. x
Wyllow I’m sorry about your awful dream. I Hope thé psychologist appointment went well. You are very articulate and come over as very insightful into your problems.
Maybe that hides some of your emotion when you are talking to the MH professionals.
Thank you for explaining about ACT. It sounds interesting and possibly something that might help you look at things a different way. Will it be something that you can get access to later if and when you decide you want to try it?
Whiff you always write such thoughtful posts. You have suffered so much but seem to have come through and are positive about your life. The fact you miss your DH so much comes through in your words but you are still living a good life.
Scaredycat no, no milkshake just wishful thinking 😊
Glad you had a good weekend. Nice to relax after being busy.
You are always so positive and helpful to others I had no idea you had suffered so much in your first marriage. You have done well to move on and prioritise your family.
Saw the consultant today. We had to wait and hour and a half for the appointment. He was running so late. So many people waiting there were no seats available.
Seems my wrist is quite stiff and not very flexible. It may get better over time or it may not. I go back in 3 months to see if it’s improved and if not maybe referral to hand surgeon.
HVDY that’s a good idea about the camera. How lovely to be able to watch without scaring him.
Cleaners came today and overall I was quite pleased. Some things not done as well as I would have liked but they did a good job and were very pleasant.
I worry that you aren’t getting good treatment. Are you sure it isn’t worth trying the Gp considering your consultant seems impossible to reach. I don’t like the thought of you being so brought down by this. I do Hope you make it out tomorrow and do something nice to lift your spirits.
So sorry about DGD and her hamster. Hope it’s ok. My DGD was very upset when hers died.

An hour and a half, Doodle so long - so busy. Can you wiggle your wrist at all? so hope it loosens over time without having to take it further. Can you lift and do what is needful withy your wrist enough?
Am glad your cleaning was adequate. Nice to come back to. Phew thats done.

Oh Ellie Anne. Think it's hard to really acknowledge your parents are unhappy.

Do you think that she thinks you want her to take sides and that's why she reacts like she does?

But I am glad she did text after all and not dropped it.

Doodle the answer is yes, psychologist offered herself or another psychologist. Just need to be sure it would help. It has a very specific "ideology" behind it, ie ways of perceiving the world so have to be confident its not a square peg (me) in a round hole. Not the place to go into alternative philosophies of therapy....

Wyllow3 No, they don't live long at all. GD is 12 but a young 12, and quite sensitive. Mum is quite different .

EllieAnne How does your daughter get on with her dad? I expect she is at a loss at what to say, as she can't help you with your situation. Good idea to let her contact you next.

Doodle I'm glad you felt pleased with the cleaning. I really hope your wrist gets better soon. Have you got any Arthritis? Keep doing the exercises, then at least you'll have given it your best shot. I don't like bothering the GP, and don't really think they'll know what to do regards treatment - Vasculitis is a specialist condition, and the steroids didn't help (I wouldn't take them again). I'll ring the Neurologist's secretary again tomorrow. Thanks.

I've been looking out for the fox (I can access the CCTV from my computer), and he hasn't been yet. It's just started pouring with rain - his food is under a garden chair. Off to bed now. "see you" all tomorrow. x

EllieAnne

Hi all, here I am, coming in late as always. I’ve caught up again. In fact, I caught up yesterday but then I was too exhausted to post and acknowledge you all. I’m sorry. I was emotional too. My DS has been home for the weekend and it’s always a trigger for me. I can’t explain it and I know some of you have a lot more to deal with, but it’s a struggle for me mentally. I knew I’d be ok today though. Work does that for me and it’s why I have to do it. As I’ve said before, it’s not an ideal job but it does help to keep me well mentally. It’s why I have to keep myself so busy so I can’t ponder and think and if I allow myself to, then I go downhill. I’m coping much better with the the help of the ADs though. I have been worrying a lot too and last night it all came crashing down and I cried and cried so if I’d posted then I would have been over emotional. I’m a bit more balanced today but the worries are still there. I see these quotes which say “worrying it a waste of time, it strips you of your happiness, worrying is pointless as it serves no purpose, etc. etc.” I wish I could take that on board but I’ve always been a worrier and I guess I always will be.
Wyllow I’m glad your appointment with the psychologist was productive. I’ve not heard of that treatment either but the concept seems good. I had EMDR which is sort of a reprogramming. It did help but was very expensive. I had some side effects afterwards, bad dreams and unusual thoughts that sort of thing but that passed. I think you are wise to think about it and give yourself time to do some research. I hope you get your car sorted too.
HVDY your fox friend sounds lovely. A nice thing to watch on your camera and something im sure you look forward to each morning. I love animals and wildlife although I’m phobic about rats and mice. Hope the neurologist’s secretary gets back to you but im glad you have group support. Sometimes, I think you can get more support from people who suffer the same thing. Hope you manage to get out tomorrow and the little hamster is ok.
Ellie Anne I’m sorry for the upset with your daughter but at least she has tried to make amends and given time, it’ll blow over im sure. Glad your get together was ok and I hope your GS had a good birthday.
Scaredycat im sorry you’ve had so much sadness in your life and Doodle is right, you are so kind to others. Really lovely.
Doodle what a long wait you had today. I hope your wrist gets better by itself and you don’t need surgery.
Whiff a lovely and thoughtful post as usual. I’m glad you’ve made some peace in your own life but it must have been difficult for you. You’re obviously a strong person. I wish I was.
Swwetpeasue Hope you are ok and pain free.

Love to all BD’s. Night all xx

Hvdy she is quite like her dad in some ways. They don’t do chatty talk need to have a subject and are not very interested other people. I love her but find her difficult.
I’m still struggling today. I’ve emptied the big freezer and gone for a walk while it’s defrosting. Later I will go to the library and visit my friend who is unwell. I have tried my best with my family but feel such a failure

Candy6 Sorry you've been feeling so low. I suppose we all get like that, for one reason or another. Hope you're in better spirits now. Like you, I'm a worrier. I pretend I'm not, but actually, I over-think everything, then paranoia creeps in. It's good to have a distraction - yours is being busy at work. The Neurologist's secretary didn't ring, so I thought "sod it". She told me last time that it wouldn't be possible to get an appointment before mid-October.

EllieAnne You haven't been a failure. You've done your best as a mother, it's what we all do. You're there for your family. Some people don't want to hear about another person's troubles, it's the way they are. Your daughter sounds like one of those people. Selfish, perhaps. I hope you saw your friend. I bet she was glad to see you. Defrosting a freezer , something we never do here.

How is everyone? DH and I picked up GD and the hamster, has to go to a vet on the other side of town - the ones local to GD don't deal with "exotic" pets! The vet thinks it's had a vestibular stroke and will either get better in a week or won't (not terribly helpful). No treatment, £47! We took the haster back, picked up GD's older sister (15) - the younger GD was at school today. Went to a pub for lunch and dessert, then took them both home. My damned feet and legs are just the same, but I'll have to keep distracting myself. Hope ALL BDers are ok x

Candy yes it can be very hard indeed when busy things stop or you are thrown alone to face the demons that pop up. But if you had felt like posting, truly it would have been OK here, sometimes it helps
Sometimes if you worry it might hurt or upset others the worry outweighs the benefits of sharing and getting it off your chest and knowing its OK to feel as you do.

As for the demons that pop up,

well, I'm a right one to talk, but truly I feel one needs to be able to know them better to fear them less.
Or post them and then realise oh after all....it was OK I was not alone they were not quite as big.

I think probably my worst demons have had counselling help but I really do understand that feeling either they are chasing you or might pop up and cause destruction if you open the door....

That's a really interesting insight, Emily Anne. No wonder being with both is hard as you are a people person.

Hmmm HVDY rather a lot of money.....sounds like the girls had a good time, but so sorry your feet and legs hurting so much.

Good Morning - short gym, good charity shop haul. the garage I use WILL buy. the equipment to test my car in week or so...had a shock with a text from GP saying I needed tests for bowel cancer whew I had the whole shebang from February to recently starting with the 2 week all clear, I suspect a blip in systems but demanded surgery tell me...

I suspect Things Lurking rather and got a bit high and can't come down but pretty pleased re car, and doing a short gym session and back OK.

Candy I'm really sorry you had that awful time yesterday. You can always come in here but I do understand what you mean about feeling too emotional to post. Hope today is better.
HVDY Its hard when your GD is so attatched to her pet Hamster. Youve done your best, hope its ok. I really feel for you having to put up with your poorly legs without any feedback.I found that secretarys dont get back too. So sorry for your pain.
Wyllow Thank goodness garage can do the test. One thing off your mind and not having to ring around elsewhere. Glad you got to Gym.

Sorry everyone but my head is really thick and foggy and impossible to write much. V bad day and had ring Crisis last night. MH nurse called and visiting tomorrow. Just see no point in life, so black and tired.

Love to all. x