Should I feel so exhausted?

We all know why you are exhausted!

"The conversation " needs having but I'd include your son-in-law who may be an ally -after all he is the only one who respects your space.

Before the conversation take a look at what you have agreed to do and what you feel obliged to do and what you actually do.

There are lots of jobs in a house - are you trying to "run" it? How much "family" stuff are you responsible for?

Things to look at that I don't think you have already mentioned:
Shopping, cooking, clearing the table, loading/unloading dishwasher, collecting laundry from round the house, sorting, washing, pegging out, ironing, cleaning - hoovering, windows, dusting, tidying up after children, bins and recycling, homework supervision, bathtime, sorting out activities (music books/gym wear/ballet gear or whatever... responsibility in itself is wearing.

You say:
I bought this house with my DD and SIL, and pay half the mortgage, taxes, utilities etc.
If you are doing all this and living in a fraction of the property then it sounds to me as though they should be able to finance a gardener (for example). Otherwise the mortgage wouldn't have been approved.

I don't know about your income but if I had surplus income I would pay for a gardener. Or - if usually you like gardening I'd get a cleaner or pay for after-school clubs.

Something has to give as you have no "mental down time".

You will be what "gives" if you don't resolve some of this.

Good luck.


PS. As someone upthread said you need time away from this house.
Take your daughter's advice. Join a gym and go swimming which will make your spirits lift. Find one (like mine) with an older clientele and you will make friends (or at least friendly relationships) with them as I have done.
Mine is attached to a hotel. I see the same people there regularly. The "gym" side is not as big or as modern as the ones a young person would choose. ... just an idea.
You may prefer an arts club or something like knit and natter... anything to get some respite.

Ellypat I think your physical exhaustion is related to your mental health.
You are taking on quite a responsibility with two children, it seems you total care for about 3-4 hours a day in the home plus the pick ups.
I am a preschool teacher who is semi retired, I work with four other adults in the room and my day is non stop. Lunchbreak is an hour but it flies.
I find now that each day I work takes at least another day to recover, and I'm in good health and live alone so I can switch off.
Mentally and physically children are exhausting simply because you can't switch off.
The Sundays definitely need to stop, and on Saturdays if you have the energy take yourself off somewhere (movies, shopping) to get out of the house and take a break from the family to refresh.
I agree with the other posters re the financial arrangement, you should only be paying 1/3rd maximum and I assume they'll get the house eventually anyway?
Time to put yourself first, get the doctor onside too and have some quality me time...you deserve it!
Good luck X

There may not be a physical reason for your tiredness Ellypat it may just be down to the fact that you have no days to yourself and quite rightly are feeling used. Mental health can have physical effects on your body.

My mother loved children and voluntarily did child care. She was a better mother than I was but she put in strong boundaries on what days she would do, no baby sitting, no time to free us up for date time, no holiday time. We had to do all that ourselves. In one way she was a life saver and, in another, she made us appreciate what she did for us to buy our house. I never dictated 'our rules'. She did what she thought best with a free reign and no interference or dictating from me. I was just grateful she was there to support us.

There is NO way of finding more energy Ella you are using it all up every day, I don’t mean to sound mean but your daughter is ‘aving a laff’ and using you
I m sure you won’t want to hear this but it’s not going to change We all have less energy as we get older and you have diabetes which also can make you less energetic and you are doing a ‘full time job’ and it has to stop if you want any kind of life
Does your GP know your situation ? They can save money on all the medical tests Grans here can all see your problems

Tell your family you HAVE TO have a break and you have to be more assertive in this

Write down in bullet points what you need from your family and show them
They (4 people) are getting half their outgoings paid plus a child minder, gardener, driver and skivy
It’s not fair and your daughter needs her eyes opened she is being selfish
THIS ISNT WORKING

I can’t believe what I’m reading here ! You are obviously doing far too much running around after everyone without considering your own health & needs , it’s no wonder you’re feeling tired ! At 71 you should be taking things much more easily and making a life for own yourself to enjoy . Your family should realise this and not expect you to be doing so much , they should be encouraging you to make a life for yourself not be selfish and expect you to run around after them , it’s their family and their responsibility not yours . As for the gardening , why not employ a gardener. I’m 70 , live on my own , and I have a life of my own to enjoy along with friends to enjoy my retirement with , I also have a gardener so that frees me up the responsibility of the garden so I can have even more time to enjoy the things I love.

I want to thank everyone for their frank advice. I know I should be more assertive, but the situation is complicated and I’ve made some very foolish decisions in this joint living venture. I really didn’t expect it to be so difficult. I was really looking for suggestions to boost my energy, as I couldn’t understand why I’m permanently exhausted. It’s encouraging to hear that other people in my age group would find my situation challenging, and that I’m not just feeble or lazy! I’m going to be frank with my DD and tell her I need to do less.

Sorry to sound unkind but they're taking you for a mug. They won't learn how to garden if you're doing it. In fact you are carrying them

I may get criticised for this and I mean it kindly, but could your doctor suggest that for health reasons you need to cut back a bit. Perhaps a chat with your GP would benefit.

I haven’t managed to make any friends here yet.

Well you won't have time, will you?
Sorry to sound blunt, but I am so cross on your behalf ☹️
This set-up seems to be all one way... 🤨

Could you fit a lock to your door so that your daughter and grandchildren would not be able to just walk in on you whether you want to see them at this moment or not? Whose suggestion was it that you would move in together and you would be allocated all these duties? If they don’t know how to garden then they can learn. As I said earlier, and everyone else is saying, you need to put your foot down for your own health. They are behaving like entitled teenagers at the moment rather than the adults they are meant to be. You cannot possibly carry on like this or you will end up with a nervous breakdown. I’m guessing that if you are 71, your daughter must be well into her thirties and SIL similar. Time for them to grow up and step up.

Time for a very frank family talk about you stepping back from some of your duties.

V3ra

^I'm supposed to look after the large garden, but I just physically can't and now it's a real mess^ 😞

This just gets worse.
Who decided your job description?
It's totally unreasonable 😠

Do you have any free time to go out with friends or to any social activities of your own?

I’m the only one who knows anything about gardening, unfortunately! We moved to a new community when we bought this house last year, and I haven’t managed to make any friends here yet.

I'm supposed to look after the large garden, but I just physically can't and now it's a real mess 😞

This just gets worse.
Who decided your job description?
It's totally unreasonable 😠

Do you have any free time to go out with friends or to any social activities of your own?

You're much too nice Elypat..

I think you need to stop being a door mat, Elly. You’re being taken advantage of - paying 50% of everything when there are five people in the house?

How would they cope if, heaven forbid, you became ill? They’d have to manage, like the many other parents of young children do. Do they pay you for the childcare? If not, they should start acting like grown ups and pay their way. My own DC would be too ashamed of themselves to behave like that.

Your daughter and family are very lucky to have you. You are paying 1/2 towards the house that they live in. Surely a better split would be 1/3 to 2/3? and you are doing all that childcare. They really ought to wise up. They have a lifestyle that they could not afford if it wasn't for you. Selfish or what?

I do have my own suite, but only my SIL respects my privacy. DD and DGSs walk in whenever they feel like it. I'm supposed to look after the large garden, but I just physically can't and now it's a real mess 😞

Ellypat no wonder you feel tired that is way too much to expect of you, talk to your family about a more realistic arrangement. The children are the responsibility of your daughter and son in law, it's up to them to provide a stable comfortable home with a little help from you maybe.
The fact that they are with you all the time is tiring in itself without all the care you give. You are tired because you are doing too much not because there is something wrong.

I work the same number of hours as a professional childminder, but with children aged from 5 to 11.
I'm 66 and decided that from last September I wasn't having the early years children any more, so no more nappies or pushchairs. It's made a big difference.
I also have the advantage that I look after the children in my own home so I have child-free evenings and weekends, which you won't have. Just time to switch off and think your own thoughts.
Are you doing domestic chores for the family while you're in the house during the day, eg laundry or cleaning?
Do you have a separate self-contained granny annexe you can retreat to?
You really are doing more than is reasonable I think ☹️

SueDonim

I couldn’t do that, I’m sure, Ellypat and I’m a little younger than you. Two half days of childcare is enough for me; lugging heavy children around is exhausting and so is the non-stop talk/arguments/chatter.

Is there a monetary element to the care you do? Do you live ‘free’ in your DD’s house, do you contribute financially or are they living in your house? Are you paid for this work?

I bought this house with my DD and SIL, and pay half the mortgage, taxes, utilities etc. DD and SIL cant afford to pay for more childcare: they are very fortunate that daycare for the little one is heavily subsidised. We’re all doing the best we can to give the children a stable, comfortable home. I’m just frustrated at having so little energy, and can’t understand why everything is such an effort. I eat and sleep well, and take multivitamins, but just have no get up and go.

No wonder you are exhausted! I would be and I’m much younger than you without the diabetes!!
Your daughter needs to be more realistic about what you can and should be doing, it’s far too much whilst the children are so young.
I would stop the Sunday afternoon arrangement straight away, also if the parents are working all week until at least 6 how much time do they actually spend with their children? Do they tire them out??
Grandchildren should be enjoyed, you’ve done your bit and although you obviously want to help out it shouldn’t exhaust you on a regular basis.

I couldn’t do that, I’m sure, Ellypat and I’m a little younger than you. Two half days of childcare is enough for me; lugging heavy children around is exhausting and so is the non-stop talk/arguments/chatter.

Is there a monetary element to the care you do? Do you live ‘free’ in your DD’s house, do you contribute financially or are they living in your house? Are you paid for this work?

Your daughter needs to take a long, hard look at herself before insinuating that you are lazy. 20 hours childcare would be a lot for someone ten or more years younger than you. It sounds to me exactly like the burnout l was suffering from earlier this year. I am a private music teacher and had been running on empty for far too long as I have sandwich generation responsibilities as well. It made me realise that I needed to take semi retirement, restricting my pupils to secondary school age and adults. I love children but little ones are SUCH hard work. There is a reason why we have children when we are young as we have so much energy. I think you need to start by stopping the Sunday afternoon arrangement. We need more time to recharge our batteries as we get older. Also, many schools provide wraparound care. Perhaps your daughter could take advantage of this, ie pay for it, three days a week while you take your grandchildren to and from school on a other two days. You need to look after yourself and enjoy other aspects of your retirement. Of course you want to help your daughter and be with your grandchildren but it should be a pleasure and not the chore it is at the moment.

You are exhausted because of your childcare duties and your daughter needs to be made aware of this!