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Appointment at memory clinic

(22 Posts)
Granny23 Fri 15-Sep-23 17:13:35

I have an appointment soon as above. My DD1 will be driving me there and has made it plain that she will sit in on the session, because 'she says' my memory is so bad that I will not remember afterwards what was said.

My problem is that I have not told her about many of my problems, difficulties and mistakes, because the last thing I want is to become a worry and a burden for my DDs and DGC. However I need to be honest with the consultant if he/she is to get the full picture. Any ideas how to approach this dilemma?

tanith Fri 15-Sep-23 17:20:12

To be honest I think your daughter probably needs to know how you are struggling. I understand it’s your decision but if it were my daughters I know they would be very upset and hurt that I hadn’t let them know. Good luck with your appointment.

midgey Fri 15-Sep-23 17:22:22

The annoying thing is that eventually you will have to let your daughter know just how you are struggling. To be honest, it’s not really fair otherwise as it will come as a real shock to her. I totally understand where you are coming from and I am only just owning up myself!

Hithere Fri 15-Sep-23 17:34:40

Your dd already knows you are struggling.

Please be honest and let her help you

kittylester Fri 15-Sep-23 17:57:26

What everyone else has said. And please, access all the help that is available as early as possible.

MayBee70 Fri 15-Sep-23 18:09:12

You could write down what you want the consultant to know and hand it to them perhaps? Although I agree that your daughter needs to know because you need to devise a long term plan x

M0nica Fri 15-Sep-23 18:20:06

Yur daughter is probably far more worried about the things which you haven't told her about, but which she senses than she will be about them when she finally knows exactly all of what you are dealing with.

You will be far less of a worry and a burden to her, once you have been absolutely honest with her when you are both with the consultant than you are now.

DaisyAnneReturns Fri 15-Sep-23 18:36:41

It may not be the same, but let me describe the visit we had when I took my mother for an appointment at the memory clinic.

First, they were lovely. My mother was worried and I was worried for her but they put us at ease.

We went into a room, with a specialist nurse, who asked mum some questions in a very relaxed way.

Then I went off to talk to another nurse and the first nurse had a chat with mum. If this happens at your appointment you could tell the nurse your other worries at this time.

We then both went in to see the consultant who asked mum if she wanted to know his diagnosis. She said she did, so he explained and told her about the medication he was going to prescribe. A bit more chat about what would happen going forward and the doctor started to say goodbye. At which point mum reminded the doctor about the prescription!grin

I do hope your appointment goes just as well. There is no reason why it shouldn't.

V3ra Fri 15-Sep-23 19:26:57

Granny23 your daughter is already aware of your memory deteriorating. What will be, will be and when you get a diagnosis from the mental health team you will know what you are dealing with.
The best way to avoid being a burden to your family is to accept any help that you need and is available, and accept it with a smile. Don't be in denial and don't be stubborn.

My Mum had Alzheimer's but she refused any help that was offered, saying Dad could manage everything. So he did, and he was on his knees with exhaustion.
We lived four hours away so couldn't help very often.
Eventually she had a fall, was admitted to hospital and her discharge was conditional on her accepting help at home. Then she had a wonderful carer who she and Dad were very glad of and very fond of.

Fast forward a few years, Mum has died and now it's Dad with dementia.
He'd already moved to live near us in an extra-care apartment.
They've gradually offered a range of care as the need arises: laundry, cleaning, meals, shopping, medication organised and administered, and he accepts it all.
He doesn't need personal care routinely yet, but they helped him after he'd had an operation.

I can't tell you what a help that all is to me. Most of my times with him are social, rather than doing jobs for him.
It also means he maintains a degree of independence in that our own relationship is still that of father and adult daughter, and the parts of everyday living that he struggles with are discreetly managed for him by the care team.

I send you every good wish for your appointment xx

kittylester Fri 15-Sep-23 19:48:20

What everyone else has said. And please, access all the help that is available as early as possible.

Thoro Fri 15-Sep-23 20:24:04

Not strictly to do with your post but please sort out power of attorney with your daughter or anyone else you might like to speak and act for you.
My husband and i completed power of attorney for each other many years ago and he is now experiencing memory problems

Callistemon21 Fri 15-Sep-23 20:58:01

I'm sorry to hear this Granny23 and yes, best to be honest with your daughter and family.

I can't add anything more to the good advice on here but best wishes. 🤞

ParlorGames Fri 15-Sep-23 21:04:00

The only way you are going to get the best treatment and support is to be totally honest and transparent with everyone, doctors, memory clinic nurses AND family.

Hiding information will complicate matters and upset your DD and GD.

Granny23 Sat 16-Sep-23 06:16:15

Thank you all for your advice and concern. I already have power of attorney in place naming both my DDs jointly. I did it in order to encourage my late husband to do his as he was obviously suffering from early dementia symptoms. I cared for him at home until I could no longer cope, then he was in a lovely, nearby care home for two years until he died. Perhaps this explains why I am so anxious that my DDs will not have to undertake caring for me. I am still holding on to the hope that the Consultant will decide that my problems are due to the very great stress I have been under since DH died (along with his pensions) so that I had to sell our big much loved family home and downsize to a wee flat, had a car accident and stopped driving, broke my arm and then my wrist and diagnosed with osteoporosis, not to mention that the whole family except me had covid, and some of my best friends have died. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself sad

Calendargirl Sat 16-Sep-23 06:58:48

You have had a lot to cope with Granny23.

Not surprising you feel a bit sorry for yourself.

Hope the appointment goes well.

Juliet27 Sat 16-Sep-23 07:09:33

All that you’ve been coping with and had to concentrate on is enough to confuse and disorientate anyone I should think so hopefully many of your concerns could be down to that. As has been said, let’s hope the appointment goes well.

HelterSkelter1 Sat 16-Sep-23 07:15:42

That is such a lot to cope with. And you are unselfishly thinking of others. Maybe you will feel a release to bring into the open how you are feeling and discuss it with your daughter and the consultant. He/she will have heard similar many times and I hope will have offer good advice and help.
Good that your daughter wants and is able to go with you.
Very best wishes. I expect you always help others and it is often difficult to accept help yourself.

V3ra Sat 16-Sep-23 08:39:01

Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself

And with good reason!
Sometimes we cope with everything life throws at us because we have no alternative, then once things settle down we more or less go into a state of collapse and are good for nothing for a while.
Maybe things will turn out not to be as bad as you fear Granny23 🤞

But do share your concerns with your daughter, so she can support you whatever the memory clinic appointment brings xx

annsixty Sat 16-Sep-23 08:52:13

Granny23 I hope so very sincerely that you are suffering from delayed stress and reacting from all you have been through.
We were on the same journey at the same time I remember.
I cared for my H with Alzheimer’s until I could do it no longer like you.
I was 81 and my H went into a care home but died 4 months later.
I didn’t grieve until later as it seemed I had grieved for years.
Fortunately I didn’t suffer the financial consequences, it must have been so awful for you on top of everything that happened before and after your loss.
Please let your family take the strain and we all pray your appointment will be a positive one.

Mrsmooji1 Sat 16-Sep-23 13:25:31

My mum has always been protective by telling me “I don’t want to worry you.” That leaves me then worrying about what she hasn’t told me! I have consistently, and kindly, explained I worry more about what she keeping from me. It’s worked and she shares much more, its never as bad as my imagination might lead me to guess and we deal with things together. I’m very careful to still respect her choices but we’ve grown even closer since she has let me in more to her concerns and worries – it’s been good for both of us. I hope your appointment goes well. There are lots of causes of memory difficulties, anxiety and depression being one of them and it sounds like you’ve gone through a lot in recent years including bereavement and house move. And if you do get a diagnosis of dementia, it will be better to have your daughter involved from the beginning so you can make plans for the future together while you are able to express you wishes and preferences.

ParlorGames Sat 16-Sep-23 13:38:43

flowers for you Granny23. You have certainly been under a great deal of stress.

catherine123 Sat 16-Sep-23 13:53:01

you have been under a lot of stress and i agree anxiety can cause memory differculties keep positive hope all goes well x