Black dog 21

nanny2507 my husband died 2004 4 days after his 47th birthday. I was 45. Our children where 20 and 16. They wanted me to a bereavement group . So I joined one at my local cancer charity. For me it was useless as everyone else was 20-40 years older than me. My children thankfully never asked me if it helped. They just said did it go well. I don't tell lies . I stuck it out of 2 years until they both left home . Then I could stop going.
The woman who ran the group was married and did a 12 week course. Only another widow knows how you feel . Not a day has gone by I don't miss my husband and the grief gets worse as the years have gone by . He has missed so much. But it's the price we pay to love and be loved in return. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. I had to tell my husband to stop fighting he couldn't breath even on full oxygen. I lay on the bed by his side and the children where at the bottom of the bed. I told him we would be ok he died a few minutes later . And half of me died with him. So did my present and future died with him . But I promised my husband a lot of things as he was a wise man who knew what I needed to live without him . The main one was to live my life yo the full. But couldn't do that until 2019 as I had both parents and mother in law to look after.

Read the I am a widow thread on the bereavement forum . And you will see you are not alone.

But your husband would want you to live the best life you can. It's saddens me when anyone says they don't want to be here anymore or you don't know what you will do to yourself.

Life is precious and what would your husband say if he knew you felt that way. I believe in quality of life not quantity as my husband did. If you are dieing from some terrible disease then ending your life is your choice. But if you aren't then you have to live and live your life for your husband as well.

I was born disabled with a hole my heart and I was always prepared to die first but it was my fit healthy husband who got Cancer and died. We had been together since I was 16 he was 18. 29 years and married 22.

Love like grief never dies. Hold on to the love you shared and the life you had together. And live your life to honour him.

Nadateturbe That was a lovely song there thankyou.He has a soothing voice and such comforting words.
Our bookgroup isn't on this week or next as the school holidays are taken into account.
I'm still quite fed up tbh. I've had to take more painkillers which is affecting bowels. Movicol is wonderful but opiate based painkillers also affect bowel being active so taking senokot too. I can't win. Bet you wish you'd not asked! I just get so tired of it. I know you do too. It's a shame you've had to miss your art today.
Good you have something to do though I'm not good with jigsaws. Do they distract from your pain when the pain isn't too severe? If my pain isn't really bad I do games on my phone(blush) like retro space invaders! ( double blush) 😂
I think ADs have certainly helped but I had side effects so didn't increase them from starting dose. I see Psychiatrist this week so can tell her about it. My DH still getting headaches and called some Rheumatology 'helpline' this morning that GP gave him which turned out to be discontinued. 🙄 . I'd been on at him to do it for last fortnight. It's wearying trying to keep on top of everything.
You did well to go to Dentist today- I need appt for check up too.
Hope you get some sleep tonight.
HVDY How are you now, did you manage to get out?
Doodle How are you both?

HVDY your house will be extremely quiet what with your voice loss and a husband who doesn't talk. 😁. Do you often lose your voice?
I hope you had a good time with your friend. I really admire how you keep going in spite of not feeling good.
My OH doesn't chat much sometimes (except about politics 🙄). And doesn't do emotional talk. But not all the time. And we watch some TV together and do crosswords and other puzzles.

Doodle how did your checkup go today. I'm sure it felt strange being out alone. Were you OK?
And I too felt very sad when I watched Catherine's broadcast. People can be very heartless.

EllieAnne how are you. I hope you've something to do to occupy yourself. Do you have to sit with your husband? Can you not take your dinner to another room and relax?

Scaredycat nice to hear from you. The relaxation will do you good. I'm glad the holiday is helping your DD and SiL too. Should I know what is wrong? I find it hard to remember everything. In any case I am not prying, I hope they are OK.

Candy Whiff Wyllow3 and anyone I've missed, hope your day is ok. Its a very miserable drizzly cold day here. Just the day for a jigsaw!

HVDY your house will be extremely quiet what with your voice loss and a husband who doesn't talk. 😁. Do you often lose your voice?
I hope you had a good time with your friend. I really admire how you keep going in spite of not feeling good.
My OH doesn't chat much sometimes (except about politics 🙄). And doesn't do emotional talk. But not all the time. And we watch some TV together and do crosswords and other puzzles.

Sweetpeasue I hope you're feeling a bit more cheerful today. Are the ADs helping? How is your husband? Is he still having headaches? I hope you make the book group on Wednesday.
Are you feeling any better painwise?
Your were saying a bit further back about doctors treating pain with other therapies. I agree with you. I know mental and physical health are connected, but really sometimes all people want is a physical cure and/or pain relief. And sometimes it feels like they're not taking you seriously.
I'm not going to art today. Still tired from Friday. Went to dentist this morning, tidied a little and now lying on bed trying to do rubikscube 😁. I might start a jigsaw, but oh to not feel sleepy. My OH is very tired, no wonder.

I was looking back as I have missed so much and Doodle made a good suggestion for the night before the wedding.

My faith often wains but then something happens to remind me God is still there. This is one song that comforts me. You don't have to listen

youtu.be/3OOphIgGkjM?si=Qd7cQKgOIDLA1aU5

Sweetpeasue what a lovely caring post to Nanny. You expressed so well what I'm sure we are all thinking. I hope you are OK Nanny2507. Please contact and speak to someone. Samaritans are good. Sending love.x

Nanny I'm sorry you are feeling so terrible. Can only imagine what it must be like to be without your DH and I know you must still be heartbroken. I understand your need to be alone on that day but I worry about you booking a hotel room. Please don't isolate yourself completely from your loved ones, though your wishes to be alone on that day should be respected. I hope your GP has given you hope that Bereavement counselling will be available soon. I really think it will help to talk about it, if you're ready, with someone who will understand exactly your feelings. I know nothing can fill the huge void your DH has left -he was part of you- though I know how looking forward you are to your DGC ( hope I've got that right). Your family need you and love you , even though you are finding it so hard. Please call the numbers your GP has given or Cruise, Samaritans, if you can't reach out to the Bereavement forum here. I know if you could, there are many there that have felt and still do the feelings you have now.
Please keep communicating with someone,anyone, us here, and I send you love and wish you all the very best. I hope you are still finding comfort with your animals too. x
HVDY Your cough sounds awful. You must be really fed up with it by now. Hope you can enjoy your aerobics and a chat with your friend. Don't try and do too much with the exercises.
Scaredycat Nice of you to come in while you're away on holiday. I hope the holiday helps your DD and SIL too.
Take care of yourself and have a lovely time.

nadateturbe Your meal out sounds great - 10 of you, so plenty to chat about. Nice to have someone there playing the piano, better than the usual background music.
EllieAnne Has your husband always been quiet like that? My husband could happily go all day long without speaking - I do all the talking. We would sit in silence all day if I didn't keep chatting. He certainly isn't one to talk about feelings, so was my dad, and my brother is the same. You need to be able to talk, though. I hope you might see a friend today.
Nanny2507 Have you tried CRUISE or Samaritans?

My voice has almost gone (DH is pleased) but I think it's probably due to all the coughing. Going to aqua aerobics then for brunch with my friend. Back later. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Hello all. We are still away and will be back by next weekend.
I think of you all a lot and have read all your posts. Sending much love to you all and will post properly when we get back. This break was so needed by my DD and SiL as they are going through terrible stress at the moment. You are all special to me and I hope the days will be kinder to you all. Xxxxxx

Night night, thank you for greetings I always read all but still very poorly xxx

HVDY sorry to hear that. Not like you to have such a bad day.. Hope you manage to sleep.

Goodnight everyone xx

Hello all, I've read all your posts and am sorry some of you have had a rough day/weekend. I haven't felt well today - this damned cough and what feels like Laryngitis, so I'll be back tomorrow x

Nanny2507 I'm sorry you're feeling like that. I can't speak from experience. But I do think you should contact one of the groups. Talking to others who can empathise could help. Could you possibly pay for some counselling.
There may be another GN thread that is of some use.

Sorry, I'm not answering much tonight.
Glad your husbands RLS has improved Doodle. I know it's difficult with having to look after him, but could you possibly get your appointment brought forward?
Best wishes for tomorrow.

Glad the pain has eased Sweetpeasue. It's difficult to be in good spirits all the time with your health. Especially when getting help is such a slow process. Maybe tomorrow you will feel brighter. Some sunshine would help.

EllieAnne I would try to make the bedroom into a comfy place where you could relax. I have everything in my room including an art table. I often eat meals there. It would be much better than your present conditions. I don't know how you cope. It really is not good for you.

HVDY its good that they are doing more tests with your husband to rule things out. It must be a relief to know there's nothing terrible wrong with him. Hope you enjoyed your son's curry.

Yes, there was lots of chat. My mums family are lovely people.

Hello all. Hope everyone is doing as well as can be. Its almost a year since DH died. I have booked myself into a hotel for "his day" so I can be alone. I don't want people bothering me and wanting to visit. I finally went to the GP to talk about the fact that I have had no grief counselling as my local cruise is closed. Also spoke to him about a lump in my leg which apparently is an abscess. Waiting to get some magnesium sulfate then will start taking antibiotics. I was brutally honest about the fact I am struggling to hold on and that I'm frightened of what I could do to myself. He has given me some grief groups to contact. Probably won't contact them tho

EllieAnne Glad you have your i pad. Perhaps you could make your bedroom more of a living space and maybe, get a TV of your own. You need to have your own space to be comfortable if you are staying in this situation. I can't think of anything of more practical help. He must know things aren't right. It must be terrible not to be able to talk about your feelings without him becoming angry. I'm so sorry. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Doodle Glad your DH's RLS isn't as bad. Wonder if that's down to changes in medication. I can see how difficult it must be when your DH is having so many problems but I'm pleased you can go and get a check up tomorrow. I'm glad you can still contact someone if you feel something isn't right with pacemaker though.
I had pain early hrs but not been too bad today thankyou. Just low spirited.
Wyllow Goodnight and take care of yourself.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night. X

I don’t have a tv in my bedroom but I watch stuff on my i pad. Don’t have a chair either but I sit on my bed or on the floor against the radiator if the heating is on.
I don’t know if he knows how I feel. Even when things were ok we didn’t talk about feelings much . And I think I said that the last time I got upset over a family matter he shouted and slammed out of the room. So no way will I ever share anything personal with him.

nadateturbe so pleased to hear you got to enjoy your meal out. 10 of you, that’s quite a crowd. I bet there was lots of chat going on. Sounds really nice.
Sweetpeasue I do have an appointment with the pacemaker people in May, I can contact them if I need to. Trouble is with looking after DH 24/7 its not easy.
Nice of you to remember the RLS. Answer is it comes and goes but not nearly as bad as it was thank goodness.
How have you been today.
Ellie Anne I hate to read how you live your life in this stressful state. It can’t be good for you. No wonder you can’t eat. Seems like you just live for the moments when he goes to bed and you get time on your own. Does he really have no idea how you feel?
Glad you managed a walk by the sea though.
I think many of us struggle with faith and the road is very up and down, wish mine was stronger.
HVDY have you had family round today?
I’m wondering if Scaredycat is home yet,
Candy how was your weekend.
We’ve been to hospital today. Sunday outpatients catch up I suppose. Lovely to get out but the wind was so very cold.
I’m off to hospital for a checkup myself tomorrow. DS1 will sit with DH.
Wyllow I hope you have some interest in your life , something that helps pass the time, Take care xx

Nadateturbe I see we crossed posts. Don't worry-I thought you may need energy levels topping up after last couple of days. Your hotel restaurant sounded just wonderful with a piano playing , and so many of you yo share stories. Hope you had better sleep last night and being overtired didn't keep you awake.

EllieAnne It's no wonder you're stressed when you are living with such tension in your own home. Home can often be a refuge from outside stresses but yours are inside-you can't stay outside all the time. Is it possible to break that silence and tension that builds by just saying something casual-would he reply? Or is it that you feel some sort of hostility from him and don't want to speak either? I'm sorry if that's intrusive-you don't need to reply. I don't know if it's possible to just live together amicably if there is so much between you that is unsaid. I really am sorry for your situation and your sadness. You sound so lonely that I don't think you could feel any more alone if you were actually alone. I don't think I could live like that EllieAnne. You have done well to get out for a walk and to mix with people at church. Will it help your stress levels to have a warm bath and then perhaps something light to eat. Not sure if there's a new drama on TV tonight. Can't remember if you said you have a TV in your bedroom. I'm thinking of you and sending a hug.

EllieAnne have you tv radio chair in your bedroom? I would prefer to be there.

Hello everyone. I'm still not able to write much. Or read a lot. Hopefully tomorrow is better. It's as well my husband is self sufficient.
Hope you are all OK.xx

Sweet pea sue I’ve been to church and for a walk by the sea but still feel so stressed. And my faith goes up and down too.
We’ve been together in the living room for the past hour in silence and my stress levels are so high.
I need to eat something. All I have had today is a slice of cheese on toast and a brownie. But can’t face anything right now.
Hope everyone is ok.
Wyllow I hope you are still managing to connect with your Quaker friends. We all need someone.

Night night BD's xxxx

Doodle I thought my faith would grow, yet its not been like that. Seems I keep losing it , then picking up bits n pieces.
If you get palpitations perhaps the pacemaker takes a little while to regulate them? I really don't know. If you still feel concerned have you a number to call? I hope you're not still getting them. I think its worth mentioning it to a nurse/Dr who understands pacemakers.
I hope you are both OK tonight and can sleep well. Not sure if your DH is still having the RLS disturbance.
EllieAnne We love our GC so much we just feel the need to protect them from life's difficulties. It's awful that you don't feel free to enjoy them fully in your own home because of the anxiety it brings. I wish I had some answers. I know you feel better when you're in your own bedroom and I'm glad you do ,yet it's not ideal at all. I hope you can get out tomorrow and at least see a few friends if you go to church or have a walk. Thinking of you.

Good evening everyone. This is a short post. I was out yesterday and too tired when I came home at 4pm. And just about functioned today. Feather dusting and a bath was all I managed, but I've just managed to empty the dishwasher so my energy must be picking up. .
We had the loveliest time in a hotel restaurant, ten of us. Expensive place but good venue. Tables well spaced and piano playing softly. Worth the recovery time. I was there 2 and a half hours which was very good for me.
I'll post properly tomorrow.
Glad you feel better Doodle, I was worried when you said you felt odd.
Sweetpeasue you most certainly are not doom and gloom. Victoria sponge is my favourite. It's hard to be good with cake, isn't it. Just as well you froze some.
HVDY lovely to make new GD part of the family. You are all really nice people.
Whiff your courage and strength shines through too. It must be strange to have always lived with pain.
And you're right about the vicious circle of pain and mental health.
This thread is such a friendly non judgemental and encouraging place.
EllieAnne giving you a big hug. Hope you get out tomorrow.
Wyllow3 I hope you are OK and looking after yourself.
Scaredycat hope holiday is going well.

Love to you all and everyone else on BD. Hope you have a peaceful night.xx