How to cope with someone with mental health issues.

Chop Suey, I am sorry fir not correcting typos on my post to you, I mean to.
Rental places are difficult everywhere to find and the strain must be unbearable, can you try and get away from each other in the day, take up walking, join a group anything, it might make life more tolerable.

An old post. Allsorts Mon 15-Apr-24 15:50:49

Allsorts thanks for replying.
No, my daughter's cant find anywhere to live, it's impossible around here to get rented places now.

OP I'd recommend talking to him openly about the disorder he has been diagnosed with. If he, or the family, don't know much about the disorder , or the prescribed medications, or their side effects, you have a lot to work on.

Some people with severe mental disorders become extremely expert at its symptoms ( the worst they have to contend with; the ones they don't)'. They know a great deal about their medication , it's upsides and downsides, side effects. They may be painfully aware of what can trigger episodes. They may be the expert on how they want to be treated during an episode; left alone in peace; NOT left alone; total silence; white noise.

Only a few decades ago, cancer was so unmentionable people wouldnt say the word let alone admit they had it. Now we know that open-ness and talking about cancer promotes the best outlook to cope with both the diagnosis, the treatments, and living with them. Now we know cancer treatments can have awful side effects that are very hard to endure.

Not so many people know, that some mental illness treatments also have miserable side effects . nobody likes to mention.

Talk to people with mental health diagnoses. Give them a chance to explain what it feels like from their side, what's going on with their treatment , and what they need ( or don't want) from you.

I truly hope your grandson gets the help he needs

I had a friend who was very like the way you have described and meeting up with her used to worry me a lot because of the tirades she would suddenly launch into, things about me that she thought were wrong, but also about other people. Some that she knew but also, embarrassingly, she would suddenly start raving at the waitress or even just a random couple on the table next door to us! And, yes, the horrors of the endless Whatsapp!

She had lost contact with family and other friends and we did go back a long way and in the past she had been very supportive, so I didn’t want to just give up.

In the end I would only meet in a local cafe\diner where the staff knew us. I chose less busy times and they would put us on a table in the corner away from other customers and would just apologise for whatever she was critical of. They were very tolerant but I used to hand out a big tip😬

No solution really. Just damage limitation.

Sadly, in the end, after one really horrendous scene I had to say No more. But it’s more difficult for you because he is your grandson. I’m really sorry you’re in this very difficult position.

Chop Suey, you did your best, you are in a very unhealthy atmosphere. Is there no way your daughters could live in their own place. You need distance.
Biglouise, wgatvacfrightening sutuatiin, it is a good job you kept all that behind. I can understand test young man taking you in, you are give if you agree then can turn with a click if the finger. It's a rotten existance for them. The worst thing to happen was help in the community, it was just about money, only people that no nothing could suggest that, we need mental health hospitals back.

Its very difficult, I am nervous about meeting him for coffee or a meal as its usually spoilt by him sounding off and everyone looking, the food sticks in my throat, he says awful wounding things. I can't visit him as he says he spends enough time in, can't have him visit as he takes over and won't go. Everything is at a volume, I do understand how everyone else has walked away. About 5-10% he is nice. Everyday bombarded with messages and videos.

Mt61

Could he be doing drugs? We are in a similar position with my nephew- high functioning drug & alcohol abuser- fantastic job, superb wage & he can’t manage his finances. My mum was giving him money to top him up 😩

Oh & mental health for sure- diagnosed with BPD- possibly bi-polar.

Could he be doing drugs? We are in a similar position with my nephew- high functioning drug & alcohol abuser- fantastic job, superb wage & he can’t manage his finances. My mum was giving him money to top him up 😩

I need advice please. I'm 67, had mental health problems since teens. Lot of hospitals, therapy, meds. Different mental diagnosis. Never married, no friends. I seem to get worse with age. Raised my two adult daughters alone. They've always lived with me, have their own mental issues. Can't find their own place to live. It's a toxic, hateful atmosphere. Arguing every day. They're bitter how Ive failed as a mum. They cant find a place to live. I just keep a roof over their heads. I want to be alone. No family to help. Feel like it's hopeless.

It’s a different reality and whatever you say or do may be interpreted wrongly. Just be yourself and avoid conflict as much as possible. No point in arguing, he probably wouldn’t ‘get’ it !

I had a neighbour with MH problems when I lived in a tower block (early 1990s) He was a good looking young man and would ask so sweetly for money. After a couple of times of giving him some I decided this was not a good thing as he would always come to me, I refused politely and told him I had no money as I was a student. He immediately began to violently abuse me using the "F" and "C" words. Subsequently he cut my telephone wires and cut off my door knocker with a bolt cutter!! I was so scared I immediately bought a mobile (big brick type) but I never showed my fear to him. He also threatened other people in the block including the caretaker who was twice his size.

The police arrived, found the bolt cutter, and arrested him. He was bailed to appear in court later that week, He did not show and the police were back looking for him. In the meantime he went into the city and got into a fight in the gay village. The police were called and he was arrested. He was sent back to a secure unit and obviously he should never have been released. I was told by the caretaker that his flat was full of old junk he had salvaged around the area (hence the bolt cutter) and a number of dead and rotting pidgeons!!

His so called social worker had dumped him in an empty flat at the top of a tower block with no furniture or money and expected the poor guy to look after himself. I dont think he could have managed for himself even with support. He had no idea how to budget, keep the place clean or look after hilself. And other residents were at risk because of his behaviour.

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a MH nurse once told me that a relative 'felt safe' with me and so their behavioural controls relaxed.

It didn't make the abuse any less hurtful but was a positive spin on a difficult situation. I did hold on to that thought when the going got tough and consequently share it with you just in case it is of any help.

Cossy

BPD is extremely difficult to deal with, both for the person with it and family and friends. It’s really not just about the meds, but also the person involved learning coping mechanisms.

I agree.. and unless you are very lucky there is very little MH support because the therapy for it, DBT is long and involves other clients..

BPD is extremely difficult to deal with, both for the person with it and family and friends. It’s really not just about the meds, but also the person involved learning coping mechanisms.

What support does he have? Does he have access to a decent GP?

Maybe a time limit on the visits?

Allsorts

He hasn’t got bi polar. I do treat him as you say Pascal. But it’s so hard I feel as if I’m not myself anymore and every hurtful thing he says then says sorry for weeks later, wounds. I’m just not strong enough for it all anymore and it won’t change. It’s the same old unless I cut him off. Then he would have no one. Thank you all for your replies.

Sorry Allsorts I was talking about Borderline Personality Disorder.. in some ways much more difficult to deal with ...

It sounds like our life Allsort you have my sympathies but like you we haven’t found a way to stop the behaviour, we know he can’t help it, the drugs only help a little, appointments with his Mental Health team are constantly cancelled.

But as you say, what would happen to him if we told him he had to leave? But it’s very hard to ignore what he says even though he is so sorry afterwards and when he is ‘ok’ he is such a lovely chap.

He hasn’t got bi polar. I do treat him as you say Pascal. But it’s so hard I feel as if I’m not myself anymore and every hurtful thing he says then says sorry for weeks later, wounds. I’m just not strong enough for it all anymore and it won’t change. It’s the same old unless I cut him off. Then he would have no one. Thank you all for your replies.

If he has BPD he is likely to be super sensitive to criticism and will deflect his poor behaviour by making you feel responsible..He will probably have swings in behaviour and moods, between being sweet and responsive and being truly horrible and abusive..
However he is responsible for his behaviour and needs to be told that.. you need to create strong boundaries and make sure he knows you are doing that. Tell him you will not accept his abuse.. and at all times be calm and respectful with him..

Does he live with his parents? How do they manage these moodswings? I found MIND very helpful in supporting me, there is so much more help available now for family members impacted by MH issues, than there used to be.
It happens from time to time? How often? I would be tempted to write it down and see if there is a pattern.
You say it is unpredictable, and then say it's almost predictable with regards to innocent remarks that make him verbally assault you? Verbal assault is a serious thing. What sort of things does he say? What are your boundaries regarding what is or isn't acceptable?
You let it go? This tells me it you've either got used to it or the verbal abuse is short-lived maybe?
Living on a knife edge though is not acceptable- it sounds like you let him come round but the the impact it has on you is outweighing the benefits.
All other family have no time for him- does that include his parents?
How old is he?
You say you're getting depressed yourself so I would go see your GP- maybe there is some support for both of you?
Of course you care for him, that much is obvious, but caring doesn't mean you have to put up with abuse.
Maybe some more info would help.

Can he control himself in other situations or with other people? You do not say how old he is, school or work?

If he can then it is behavioural and needs addressing when he is calm, if not then maybe he needs some professional help, anger management ?

My younger daughter, now 23, had had mental health problems since she was a child, only just now been diagnosed and treated. She’s the kindest loviest girl half the time and absolutely bloody awful the other half and her mood swings are so sudden. We’ve learnt to ignore it completely or leave the room or very calmly ask if there is anything she needs or what we can do to help.

Honestly it’s like living in a war zone sometimes, and we feel we are walking on eggshells. Thankfully she’s high functioning so works full time and DH & I have very recently purchased a static caravan on an extremely quiet site in the countryside an hours drive from us and we go almost every weekend for “respite” and to “chill”

Good luck, it’s a minefield.