Black Dog 24

Wyllow3 Well done on contacting the gardener. He'll have your garden looking good in no time. It'll be something for you to look forward to, and that's what we all need in life.

Day centre today. DH will be completing the painting whilst I'm out. The sun is shining, and the washing is out. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

It was a sunny day today and I had a walk with carer at the Botanical Gardens, not as much as usual. She is so patient. I managed to text a gardener whilst we were together. Someone I know, in fact the person who helped make the lovely landscaping - currently a distressing mess nothing done for 1.5 years, he’s coming on Monday to have a look and it will be very difficult I’ll be in a state and feel so ashamed at the garden and find it difficult to “be around” him tho he is as easy a person as you can gt the of course its more triggered memories re Ex.

NannyG4 HVDY is right. When she says Drs refer patients down that route for quick checks, it happened to me as well. But of course it’s hard not to worry. Hugs sent for the triggered memories.

I hope you managed a bit of cleaning HVDY when DH was out. A nice evening to look forward to! I’m glad you have the bedroom fittings sorted out.

I’m so sad to hear of the family loss, Scaredycat, I remember you telling us how ill he was. I hope you had the sun today.x

I remember your view of the river, Doodle, it sounds like some of the area is “in transition”. Please don’t give too many comforts up for lent. I hope it’s a nice lunch.

Last thing at night and Sweetpeasue if you are up late like last night, a warm wave.

Best nights, dear BCDs’ present and readers.

ScaredyCat Yes, I was awake for the x-ray . The palpitations have been lasting a few hours. I'll stick the new pills out for a while as my BP is the lowest it's been for 4 years. The meal was great tonight. We each had something different but we all enjoyed it. Sad news about your GD's FIL. He must have been a very nice man.
Doodle There are a lot of flats in Nottingham city centre now, all for students. What a lovely thing your DIL said about your DH being a father to her. Enjoy your lunch tomorrow - is it at a pub?
NannyG4 Yes, I'm sure the middle-of-the-night thoughts must be difficult. Keep telling yourself that things will be ok. Hope you have a nice time with your new friend tomorrow.

A bedroom fitter came today, so we've chosen and ordered fitted wardrobes etc. It'll be about 6 weeks, so I'll be looking at beds, curtains and pretty thingsbefore then. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Good Evening ……..how’s everyone’s day been?…….ive been to my weekly Pilates class then grocery shopping. I still seem to have paperwork relating to DH that needs dealing with. I can’t seem to get into any routine at home regarding food shopping, housework, I suppose it will sort itself out
Sweetpeasue….thankyou for your kind words. I am trying to stay strong and positive, not always easy….
HVDY…yes I know it’s for the best , I’m trying to put it to the back of my mind, easier said than done, especially in the middle of the night in a lonely bed.
Hope you enjoyed your Indian meal with your family. Lovely to be together, making memories.
Scaredycat….Thankyou to you for your kind words. I’m sending hugs back to you…..So sorry to hear your sad news.
Doodle….yes I’m dreading the hospital appointment. I’m frightened of breaking down, it’s the same hospital where DH was admitted several times and where he went before being transferred to the hospice. I hate the place, so many disturbing memories. What kind words your DIL said about your DH, they must have had a wonderful relationship. Hope your eyes settled down. And enjoy your lunch, is it with your Church friends! I’m going out for lunch tomorrow with a friend I’ve made at the Hospice Walk and Talk Group, we seem to have hit it off.

Sending you all love, strength and prayers. With love❤️💐🙏

NannyG4 these urgent referrals are often the case when you are sent for tests at the hospital. When I had fluid on my lungs I was sent for an urgent cancer scan. It happens quite often.
I’m sure all will be fine but can understand your worry.
I can also totally understand you fears of facing hospital without your Dh. I had to go to hospital shortly after Dh died. I cried nearly all the time I was there. It’s so emotional both missing Dh and being in hospital.
I’m so glad you had a lovely day for scattering the ashes. Sounds a lovely setting too.
Wyllow glad to hear from you. Don’t worry about posting a lot but be nice to think you felt a bit better soon.
What a nice post Sweetpeasue. Hope you’ve had a better day.
Has increasing the steroids helped your Dh?
HVDY yes it is nice here. A couple of small but pleasant parks and a walk by the river. The town is not so good. Lots of closed shops and building works. Everything is being turned into blocks of flats,
Hope you have a lovely meal tonight for your sons birthday.
Scaredycat so sorry to hear your GD FIL has died. He sounds a lovely man. When Dh died our DIL said he was the only father she ever knew.
I do give up things for lent usually but being careful this year. I need some things for comfort. I may pray more or read more. I will be following the CofE lent course.
Thank you, my eyes are ok at the moment it’s more of an itchy nose and sneezing bursts.
Going out for lunch again tomorrow. I will have to do more exercise to wear all the calories off.

Hi all
HVDY- Glad the X-ray didn’t take too long- you were awake early for it. Hope everything is OK.
Do the palpitations last long? I hope they are not constant. When I had paroxysmal AF I often woke up with it either during the night or early morning.
So nice to spend time with your friend especially as it involved lunch and cake as well as a good long natter.
Enjoy your Indian Birthday meal tonight for Son 2 Birthday- precious family times.
SweetPeaSue- It must be such a relief that DH will have his Spirometry Test in the relevant Clinic. He had a very thorough and concerned nurse by the sound of it.
Your tiredness must be exacerbated by the tension and worry you are going through. I hope,you have been able to enjoy the lovely Sunshine today.
Doodle- those Danish names are so sweet and very practical.
I,m Nanny to our Southern GC and Nanna to the Northern ones. DH is Grandad to all.
If only all churches were like yours. Do you give up things for Lent? I went to Convent school and we had to do it every year.Mine was always choc and sweets!!
Do you get sore eyes too with the hayfever. Does it calm down when the leaves get more established.
Such a nice way to have your evening meal and a good suggestion for Wyllow. You approach everything so positively and your days include DH as part of them- you are special.
NannyG4- After your emotional weekend you must have been very tired. It was a huge step for you to take but the weather was kind and it will remain in your heart and mind forever.
Of course you are worried and coming so soon after the weekend it’s natural to feel a bit overwhelmed. But it is better than having to wait ages so that your mind goes into overdrive constantly.As HVDY and SPS say this is more to rule out cancer as quickly as,possible.
Getting out in the garden will help take your mind off the worry a bit and is wonderful therapy. Ah a hug for your sadness.
Wyllow- hope you feel better today. Have you been able to get outside,in the sun?
Please take care of yourself.

We had the sad news yesterday that my GD2 FiL had passed away . He was a person to whom family was all and will be so very much missed. Sad for GD2 as she lives away so he was like a 2nd Dad for her. His illness took him away so quickly - life can be so cruel sometimes as many of us know.

Love to all BDs - those mentioned and all those who are not always able to be here.

SweetpeaSue Everything seems to be taking a long time lately. I hope your husband won't have long to wait for the spirometry tests but there's probably a waiting list. Fingers crossed that the steroids will work soon.

Doodle Where you live sounds so attractive. Not great for the pollen though. Son2 gets Hay Fever but it's grass that seems to affect him.

NannyG4 It's easy to feel panicked about an "urgent" appointment like that but GPs often refer patients for a 2-week "urgent" appointment to rule out cancer. It doesn't mean that they suspect you've got it, it's usually to get a person seen quickly. (I once had a 2-week referral gynaecology appointment and worried about it needlessly). Better to get things over with instead of being on a waiting list for months. Glad the weather was ok for the scattering of the ashes. An emotional time. I can only imagine how you must feel. Take care, hope you slept ok last night.

DH is out for breakfast with old friends, so I'm going to clean up a bit (when I can be bothered). Out with the family this evening, to an Indian restaurant for Son2's birthday. Looking forward to that. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Thankyou Wyllow Sleep well.x

NannyG4 I'm glad the weather was good for your DHs ashes to be scattered on your favourite beach, even though ,of course it must have been extremely emotional and terribly sad.
I'm just so sad for your loss .As someone who hasn't faced the loss of a DH I can only imagine the heartbreak and ongoing trauma you are going through , but just wanted to express my love and sympathy. To find his gardening gloves too....
Only understandable that you fear the worst with the endoscopy- the mind runs away with us when we've just been through the worst of life's traumas. Stay strong - most of these investigations turn out to be OK and they have to be vigilant for the worst scenarios. We're here for you . I know we can only offer words , but sometimes that can be a small comfort, nevertheless.
Love and prayers for you tonight.x

I've caught up with your days - and events - not up to posting properly, but sending hugs all round BD's xx

Just popping in….unfortunately as I’ve not posted for a couple of days, I’m a bit muddled with all your comings and goings. Please forgive me for not mentioning you all individually.

I’m rather worried at the moment I’ve been suffering terribly with acid reflux for a while, my doctor prescribed medication which hasn’t really worked so now am going to have the camera down my throat…I had a call yesterday to make the appointment and it was from the RAS Urgent Suspected Cancer - Upper GI clinic to see a consultant first before the procedure.. I’ve now got it into my head I may have cancer, my mind is running away with me…can’t face anything like this without DH…I’m scared…..

We scattered DH’s ashes at the weekend, it was a beautiful afternoon on our favourite beach, but so emotional…

Anyway enough of me I do hope you are all managing life as well as you can under your circumstances.

The weather has been beautiful today and the days are getting longer. I actually did some gardening, first time since DH passed, so sad looking at the garden tools he used to use. Also found a pair of his gardening gloves…I sobbed.

I am sending you ALL love, strength and prayers💐❤️🙏.

Scaredycat my Danish sister in law said that in Denmark they call grandparents by their relationship to the child like MoFa (not sure of the spelling) mothers father FaFa fathers father etc.
I’m grandma to all ours and Dh was Granadad.
Yes church tomorrow. Might be cake or biscuits. Soon we won’t have anything because it will be lent. I love church days. We have a very pretty little church and it’s so warm and welcoming as are the people.
HVDY your new bedroom colours will make it a very relaxing environment. Sounds lovely. Yes, when trees start sprouting leaves and budding that’s when I start sneezing.
We have lots of trees round here and my hayfever became worse when we moved here. Having said that, we loved it here and put up with the sneezing.
Little girl sounds like a real treasure, she’s brought so much happiness to you all.
Sweetpeasue glad the nurse was on the ball with your Dh. Shame the GP didn’t think about this before. Hope your Dh gets his appointment soon. At least having it done in hospital if there’s any problem they should follow it up.
Of course you’re worried. It’s awful you are having to battle your way to getting help for your Dh.
Wyllow I buy myself things for my evening meal that I enjoy. I try to make it a time of day when I just think about sitting quietly with Dh as we enjoyed our evenings together. I make it my main meal of the day and eat what I like so that it’s something to look forward too. Perhaps you could do the same and try and switch off from your worries in the evening.

HVDY DH had a written report on his appt with nurse only a couple of hrs later. She states quite clearly that DHs BP was too high to perform the Spirometry plus his GCA flare. Not sure when the Spirometry test will be now but I'm glad he's going to the Respiratory clinic. Why do these things take so long? Thanks so much for your concern. If the steroids don't have a much better difference in another few dys , or DH gets worse well be ringing g that Rheumatology helpline again.
Hope the palpitations have not been as bad today. Nice to meet a friend for a chat. Your bedroom is going to be lovely by the time it's finished.

SweetpeaSue What a worry for you. When is your husband going to have the spirometry tests now then? Is the increase in steroids not helping yet? Perhaps it'll take a day or 2 to kick in a bit? I hope so. You must both be so sick of it all. Get him to rest up a bit, if you can.

Doodle Scaredycat is right, there will always be the what ifs and if onlys. I do the same as yourself but hindsight can work to undermine our confidence in ourselves. You are a wise and kind person who we are all lucky to have here. Hope today has been OK for you.
Scaredycat The housework can always wait and a walk is more refreshing . I think back to first becoming a housewife and it's all I wanted to be back then . Never was career orientated. Think if was brought up these days it'd be different. Life does go by far too fast doesn't it? Do what you enjoy Scaredycat.
HVDY Hadn't realised 'Mammar' was a Nottingham term but it sounds lovely. 20mths since Littlegirl arrived- where does the time go. She sounds lovely inside and out. (Scaredy's right). Hope the palpitations settle or you may need to revise meds if the tablet is causing it.

Wyllow Glad you got some treats in. That long list of things to do can seem overwhelming. One thing at a time and one day at a time. Hope the MH person today is helpful. It's good that you get to talk to someone. Thankyou so much for your hugs - it means a lot.

Tried to ignore the deep tiredness and stiffness this morning but needed rest. DH had Spirometry test appt today and supposed to take an hr. He didn't want me with him and I couldn't have gone anyway but told him he must tell nurse everything that's happened about Vascular problems and the rise in steroids. The nurse ( one I respected and had experience) was amazed at BP difference in arms and told him she didn't like going ahead with it. Went to tell GP about his GCA inflammation and headache back . Came back and said GP was sending him to hospital respiratory dept to have it done as they have 'backup ' ( crash trolley ect) . Been worried about this for ages but GP had reassured me it was OK last week.
DH still breathless with headache today.
So glad didn't go through with Spirometry.

Hoping everyone is OK and wishing you all the best nights rest and peace.

Thank you, Wyllow3. My appointment was at 8.45, I got there at 8.30 and was seen and out again in 10 minutes. What goodies did you buy? Hope you've seen a bit of sunshine today.

ScaredyCat I woke at 5 this morning, with palpitations again. LittleGirl is such a happy child, a real pleasure to have around. I don't follow football at all, but DH watched the match on tv last night. It's lovely to have a trim. I wish I could blow-dry my hair like hairdressers do. I wash mine every other day. Have you been out today?

It's been a gorgeous day here, sunshine all day. Met my friend for lunch/cake/coffee, had a good old yap. Bought a couple of things from B&M and B&Q - light fitting and lamps for the bedroom. Hope everyone has been ok x

Hi all
HVDY- I like that Nottingham name for Nannas it’s soft and comforting.
Good win for Forest last night - my SiL is a Forest supporter albeit long distance.
Your bedroom is going to look so nice- you have the nice bits to do putting the finishing touches.
Little Girl sounds gorgeous- lovely inside and out.
Hope the palpitations clear up - yes it might be the new pills. Mention it to the Dr or Pharmacist if it doesn’t stop. It will tire you out. You must feel tired already with your early morning start. Hope all was well with the X-ray.
Wyllow- glad you got some nice treats- so much better for you to have a bit of variety in your food.
The thing about all your pending jobs is that they don’t have to be done all at once. Pick the one that is bugging you the most and then that’s one less! Your thoughts take up so much of your energy and emotion leaving little for other things. It’s exhausting for you. Personally ADs have helped a lot with that.
Glad you,ll see your MH worker today- will it be a walk? The Sun is out here today so hope it is with you too. Take care Wyllow
Doodle- We wrote our posts at the same time!!
You have no need to ever feel guilty. Of course there will always be if onlys but you were and still are one of the best and kindest people I know.
It was housework day yesterday and what doesn’t get done - it’s too bad. We had a walk yesterday and I know I overdid it but I feel life racing by and feel the need to get out while I can. That’s the thing that scares me.
You always feel better after a hair was don’t you. Do mine tomorrow before a haircut. I can’t bend over the sink it makes me dizzy!
Hope you have a nice morning at Church tomorrow and possibly cake too!!
EllieAnne- any news of your daughter?
NannyG4- how are you after what must have been a very emotional weekend.
SweetPeaSue- hope the increased meds are helping your DH and that you are not so troubled today.
Allsorts- thinking of you.
Love to all and thinking of those we don’t see so often . May life be kinder to you.

It was my supermarket run today, with some posh ready meal treats.
Thank you all for encouragement about targets. At this time of night I think, why not, but when I wake it’s hard to face the day and force myself to do things again the “whats the point” stuff. Lots of stuff needing doing on the house, managing tum stuff, and the thoughts. MH person tomorrow.

Nice day with LitttleGirl there, HVDY*. You are at the heart of your family. May I wish you all the best for your early X-ray and that the palpitations settle down.

Warm waves for Allsorts, yes do come in.

I hope that doubling the steroids helps. Sweetpeasue It was a very demanding day for you, I’m not surprised you are tired and worried, have a hug.

Doodle well done on the bedroom sort. Not easy at all with the memories x I’m sorry you get hay fever.

You have a huge family, Scardeycat! I hope today was an OK one for you.

Night night BD’s and love to all not in today.

SweetpeaSue I'm Mammar (I think it's a Nottingham term). You aren't moaning, you're quite naturally, concerned about your husband. I hope he starts to feel better after a day or 2 on the increased dosage.

Doodle Tidying up and putting things away feels good. I can hardly wait to get the bedroom sorted out; we've got all the stuff from there in the other 2 very small bedrooms. Is it hay fever time for trees?

ScaredyCat Thanks. Yes, she's a proper toddler now (20 months) and knows what she wants and doesn't want. She's very well-behaved, actually, and has a mass of dark, curly hair and very long eyelashes. . Hope you had a good day today.

Going to bed soon - been up since 5.30am (palpitations, which I assume are caused by the new BP pills). Another early start, x-ray at 8.45. Love to all x

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- it must have been a long tiring night listening to your DH wheezing as he did.
Hope the nurse gets back to you tomorrow and that the increased steroid dose helps. It must have been very upsetting to see DH experiencing the headache and dizziness. Please don’t apologise for being tired and worried.
Doodle- I,m so glad that the walking group is something you would like to keep on with .
Lovely to have time with your DS and family- we love a burger.
Those times are to be treasured aren’t they.
Yes it’s lovely being with all the girls- we miss GD2 though as she lives away. We were talking and wishing my Stepdaughter and GDs 4,5 &6 etc lived close too.
HVDY- great the steroids and antibiotics seem to have sorted your problems- I do hope so.Busy day with Little Girl- you do pack a lot in. She must be very much a little girl now and not a baby anymore. Bet she’s beautiful.
Wyllow- so sorry you feel so horribly low- but you have strength of character as you try every day to koko.
It doesn’t sound stupid to be nervous of making a list . Yes one thing a week is good idea from HVDY.
Maybe the thought of a list is worse than an actual list. Yes they make it real but you know that anyway really. Could you talk to your nice carer about it- she might come up with an idea.
Hope you got some goodies todayx
Allsorts- I don’t think anyone is particularly sorted even though that’s the impression they give. It’s hard when your confidence takes a knock- it pulls the rug from under you doesn’t it. I,m sorry you feel so low - hopefully the sun will come out for you too soon. Glad you’re here .

Love to all those mentioned and those notxx

HVdY I’m not much of a burger fan myself. I used to eat fillet steak when we went to the steak house, Dh loved a good steak. I can’t eat it without him which is why I had a burger. Having said that it was very nice.
I hope you continue to improve now and your eyes are better.
Wyllow like you and Ellie Anne I am full of the if only’s. If only I’d don’t this or if only I hadn’t done that. I think there’s a lot of guilt lingering in us.
Wyllow why write a list just pick something spontaneously to do. Today I decided to tidy my bedroom. Just sort out a few things and put them away. Took about an hour but I feel better for it. I’m very much one for procrastinating.
Allsorts I’m sorry your family aren’t helping. I have made a number of friends by joining different groups. Is that something you could do?
Sweetpeasue you are not moaning. Don’t say that. You are not moaning when you are concerned for your Dh? Your worries are genuine and we all know that. It’s bad they didn’t phone you back today. Are you able to ring again tomorrow or are they only there once a week? Hope the increased steroids help. Never feel you can’t say how bad you are here. Goodness knows you’ve all put up with me and my problems long enough, We all care. X
Scaredycat Hope you’ve had a good day. I’ve been really sleepy. I’ve managed to do a bit and washed my hair but I keep nodding off. Think it must be the hay fever tablets.
Sleep well all.

Wyllow Hope your shopping trip went OK. Just getting out and facing something different might feel such a challenge but once you know you can do it- which you're doing on Mondays- it should make it gradually easier.Im like you with lists- DH has made one for lots of simple, small DIY jobs but it just makes me tired looking at them.
HVDY A very varied day with different activities for Littlegirl. She's a lucky DGD to have a (oh dear- forgot) nana/grandma/ whatever Littlegirl calls you , like yourself.
Allsorts So sorry you're feeling so low. I understand that small things become much bigger to take on when you're very low. I expect some people just pretend they're 'sorted' - even to themselves. It must be so hard not to have the family support . I don't know how I'd cope without DH as I'd never ask my sons . Glad you've come here -always feel you can do that. You're right about the sunny days- makes such a change, even when it's still cold. Do you have a little garden to look at and sow something to watch grow? I do hope you've some friends that you can talk to aswell.
EllieAnne How are you today? Hope you're feeling a little better.

Got through to nurse after half an hr . She said she'd get in touch with Rheumatologist and call back this afternoon but heard nothing. She told DH to double up on steroids dose again to 20 mg.
Had a little shop and bought some compost too. On way back DH headache really strong and looked ill so I drove. When he got out of the car he was dizzy and staggered into the road. Got him inside to rest but so worried. Seems a bit more settled but still has headache.
Really tired . Sorry for the moan.

Hope today hasn't been too bad for everyone and there's been a bright moment or two.x

Wyllow3 Could you set yourself one task per week? Too many jobs would be overwhelming. I hope you bought something you enjoy, from the shop. I've just had a scone.

SweetpeaSue I hope you got through to someone about your husband.

Allsorts you say "everyone seems to be much more sorted than me". They probably aren't but manage to give that impression. Do you see friends or neighbours for a chat?

Little Girl came at 8.45, had breakfast and we went to a playgroup for 2 hours. Lunch here, then she fell asleep and slept for 90 minutes. Had a short time on the park, went to Asda, and then Son2 has just taken her home. Hope everyone's been ok x

I do read your posts and they are very helpful and I wish everyone well.. When I get low as I have been for awhile, simple tasks become big problems and I don't tend to mix as everyone seems to be much more sorted than me. My confidence drops as I've not support of family as much as I could have and everything is on me. Hope these couple of days of sunshine has raised spirits.

Well done for getting the washing all out early, HVDY. And I’, glad you are going to see more of LittleGirl next week. I so hope your current wellness free from bad eyes and inflammation lasts

EllieAnne I feel like that too sometimes, or that if I’d only done this or not done that. I think it’s the depression talking not how you really are. We dont see you that way x

Yes Scaredycat its Monday again trolley day you remember! 4 generations together is wonderful, did you get a photo?

Good to hear of the decorating achievements in your house, Sweetpeasue The very, very best for getting through for some help tomorrow with the Rheumatologist nurse. Very upsetting to hear DH wheezing.

Glad it went OK last night, Doodle. I hope your walking group continues. It’s good you are joining things even tho it goes against the grain.

I’m afraid of making a list. Sounds stupid, but afraid of being overwhelmed. Its like if I write them here then they will be all too real…Instead I give up. Not really ben this ill before or well not for a very very long time.

Night night BD's.