Black Dog 24

Hi all. Got a bit tearful last night. DS was telling me of little bits that need doing in his new house, and if DH was here he would be going there on his days off to fix those bits. He was such a wonderful dad. I'm not sure how I will cope when I'm alone. I really feel I am pointless.

Wyllow can’t remember whether I’ve asked this before but have you ever thought of hypnotherapy? My DGS had PTSD and hypnotherapy has helped him a lot,
HVDY sounds like a good idea the home closed. Hope the new one is better managed and comfortable. Yes the sit fit is good I enjoy it.
Had a reasonable day. Went to the hospice for counselling and was fine then I went out and stood by the lake and cried for my dear man.
Glad your SIL remembered you eventually. Glad you got your photos. Little girl will love seeing them when she’s older.
NannyG4 like you my memory for things is awful now. I can’t actually remember what I did from one day to the next. Even if I think hard I often can’t recall or work out what I’ve done. This brain fog or grief fog is a bit difficult to cope with.
It’s one of the reasons I don’t write as much as I used to. I cannot remember what I’ve read. My brain won’t seem to hold onto it. I read something then scroll down to write a reply and by the time I have I’ve forgotten what it is I’ve read or who said it.
My church is lovely. I am so lucky to have it and the people who go there. Hope you are coping and finding some things of interest to keep you occupied. I find keeping busy helps.
Scaredycat you mentioned acceptance today and it cropped up in my counselling session. I think that marks a shift in grief when you can still be angry, lost, lonely and sad but some form of acceptance creeps in and allows you to just keep going.
The knee support sounds like a good idea. You have lots of lovely family things to look forward to then. Hope you have a lovely time.
Sweetpeasue thank you today has been better although I have spent 2 hours on the phone to the bank trying to sort out the same problem that I spent 3 hours on the phone talking to them last week. Hopefully now they have agreed that I have sent them all the paperwork they need and they can now do what I asked them to,
Seems like your DH is in another catch 22 situation again. Waiting for one thing before being able to sort out another. Why don’t you try and find out what the waiting time is for the MRI and persuade your DH to go for the vascular appointment if there’s too long a wait. I’m not surprised you aren’t sleeping well. You are worried and it’s ongoing. I do hope your DH gets seen soon.

NannyG4 I'm glad you find it helpful and friendly at the hospice. Talking with others about their own experiences of bereavement will be useful, I'm sure.

ScaredyCat I hope the support (sock?) will help your knee. My brother visits his wife 3 times a week. Her short-term memory is about 5 minutes, so as soon as he leaves, she's forgotten he'd been there. You've got a couple of lovely family celebrations to look forward to. Will it be buffets? It must be great to see everyone together.

SweetpeaSue All this hanging about, waiting for things to happen, tests to be done, etc., must be driving you mad. It seems to be the case for a lot of people. Please try hard not to worry so much (easier said than done) as you'll make yourself ill. You need to get some rest tonight.

Nadateturbe,Candy, EllieAnne, Elveral,LucyD,Allsorts,Whiff, and everyone - hope you have been ok today.

My right eye is still not right (I've been using the drops 4 x daily for 9 days). It feels as though there's something in it (there isn't), and the vision is blurry. I'll try to see an optician on Friday. Love to all x

Doodle Oh I can imagine the heartbreak flooding back with seeing those socks of DH and the sadness of memories of his struggle with illness. I hope today has been better for you - it must be good to get that paperwork out of the way.
Oh yes ,well take up the offer of another Vascular consultant though GP wanted to eliminate any shoulder problems with the MRI first but I don't know how long that will take. I'm so worried.
HVDY Apt words about memories of passed loved ones ,one day making us smile. Hope the dye is better today.Im glad you and your brother got to chat after seeing your SIL. Nice that you have some photos of you as a child and lovely that there's such a stronglikeness to Littlegirl.
Wyllow Good that some of the pressure is off to 'do' stuff. Sometimes pressure to 'do' only serves to make us retreat back further . We have to make those first steps ourselves don't we.
Yes. Im hanging in there - just seems like we're wishing the months away till next appt.
NannyG4 Pleased you're feeling som support here. I'm often forgetting what's said ,don't worry. I was really sorry to read you thought your DH was getting better at the time- so much wrong these days with lack of information given to patients and relatives,- You must have been shell-shocked. I'm glad that you are finding some solace in the hospice walks and the friends there will be invaluable. Sending love.
Scardycat A busy time ahead for you. Must be so lovely to have such an extensive and close family. Rest whenever you can and hope your knee's not too bad on the journey. Flufcball is a distraction and I hope you find yourself a furry friend if all goes well in the Autumn.

Bad night and never slept at all. Kept worrying and body feeling stiff and bruised, so I didn't go to book group. Haven't been out at all - DH took
Fluffball for a little walk. Just so tired and wortied- DH has date for ultrasound that Rheumatologist wanted - same date as ECG but luckily different times- yet his appt for Rheumatologist not till 2nd April. So unfair for him to suffer with the pain all this time.
I don't feel as happy about it as I was yesterday. GP is trying to exclude the shoulder stuff as he's pretty sure it's Vascular too, but only so much he can do.
Just feeling quite depressed about it today.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night. Love to all BDs and those not personally mentioned.

SweetPeaSue sorry I missed your name out at the beginning😩

Hi all
How good for you to have felt understood for a change. I,m glad DH is having an ECG etc and not having to wait long either.
There must be some days when you are both so worn out with all the toing and froing. Fluffball must be such a happy distraction for you both. Cuddling furry friends is just one of life’s real pleasures. I,m missing it and think maybe in Autumn we,ll think about a rescue moggy.
Doodle- you,re right- anything that helps and improves your mobility is worth doing. Also it’s another nice group of people to get to know- win win!!
I love candlelight too it’s such a soft glow and sort of bathes you. I,m still using 2 fat ones from Xmas with orange pieces and cinnamon and the light shines through them.
I totally understand why the socks made you cry- it wasn’t the socks but the memories they held of the vulnerability of your DH when he was poorly. The last words my DS said to me was an expression that any time I hear it my heart turns over.
Wyllow- yes it was chilly yesterday wasn’t it but so good for you to get out and walk with your carer. The care plan you describe sounds like you are being listened to . Probably the less you are pressured the more you will try for yourself.
I found that counselling had a negative effect on me too although I know it helps so many. If you are truly able to find acceptance that is the way to start healing. Koko as you are doing and trying a few new things when you can you WILL get there. We all wish for life to be good for you again.
HVDY- Thankyou- I,m ok. I,ve just ordered a knee support as I,m hoping it will help me walk more confidently and comfortably after my mishap.
Your SiL sounds as if she has weathered her upheaval and coped really well. It must be difficult for your brother but if he doesn’t visit much she will forget him. You are so kind and patient with him when I,m sure you could shake him sometimes. Those photos must be sweet- isn’t it lovely that Little Girl is like you were.
Hope your eyes are more comfortable.
NannyG4 - kind words for Nanny2507. There are times when life seems so cruel and all we can do is our best- loving is not always an easy road is it.
The walk and talk at the Hospice is a lovely idea- good to be able to share memories with those who understand.

We have a few busy days ahead. Tomorrow we have to drive about 3 hours to my DH Sister as it’s a big Birthday for her . We will stay 2 nights then drive home as we have a family get together for my DD Birthday!! Having a big spread out family is lovely but exhausting sometimes! Wouldn’t have it any other way though. Not looking forward to sitting in the car though as my knee is still sore.
Nadateturbe,Candy,Whiff, EllieAnne, Elveral,LucyD,Allsorts and any I have missed sending love to all.

Good Morning Everyone.

I haven’t posted for a few days, so am not up to date with everyone’s news. I try to remember what you are all doing but my brain is so foggy I forget! So please forgive me if I don’t mention you all but I do thank you all for your kind words and support, it’s priceless…..

Doodle, Sweetpeasue, HVDY thank you for your kind words.

Doodle your church service sounded beautiful, unfortunately I couldn’t go to the service at our Church. I often go into the church and sit …I find it very helpful and feel close to my DH.

Nanny2507…oh I’m so sorry you feel so guilty and weren’t able to tell your DH you loved him, I don’t know your circumstances but please don’t beat yourself up. I didn’t realise my DH was slowly dying in front of me, no one told me I just thought he was receovering from two heart procedures that went wrong…sending love and strength to you 🙏.

I’ve just returned from a walk and talk at the hospice, I’m finding it very helpful and will continue to carry on. Nice to be with like minded people who all have their own stories to tell.

Well my lovely friends I will sign off. Love, strength and prayers to each and everyone of you. Much love. ❤️🙏💐

ScaredyCat What a lovely post to everyone. How are you?

SweetpeaSue I'm glad you saw the GP who understands how things are. Hopefully, more tests will show something and the correct treatment can be given. Fingers crossed. Fluffball sounds so pretty.

Doodle SIL and 49 others had to move, the home has shut down (poor CQC ratings). The new one is quite different, but she seems to be settling ok. Glad you're enjoying Sit Fit. I would think there are lots of things that remind you of your husband. In time, those things that make you cry now will make you smile later.

Wyllow3 It's good that you went out for a walk, and that the worker has stopped suggesting you do things you don't feel ready to do. Be kind to yourself.

SIL didn't recognise me or my brother, and it was 15 minutes before she remembered us. She's going to have times and days like that, but he finds it difficult. Stayed 90 minutes and she fell asleep so we chatted at his house. He gave me a dozen photos of me as a child, and Little Girl has a strong resemblance . Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

HVDY I expect it was a very difficult time with your brother and SiL, but it was very good of you to make the effort. I know brother isnt communicative, but hope that SiL is settled.

Scardeycat a lovely post as ever. I hope that your day had some bright bits in it too.

Thats right about the Nadateturbe song Sweetpeasue remember it well when we swapped songs and some poems.
I cant tell you how glad I was to read those words, “felt he understood” or the GP. I think an MRI is a very good idea as it will “show all”. And he’s arranging the right sort of tests. Hang in there xx

A lot of Quakers love Taise Doodle I think your church, the way it’s organised, is very very special, many cant offer what it does and I am so grateful you have it. Well done for sit fit. I expect there are so many little things that trigger DH xx

I saw my MH nurse today. Went on a chilly walk. I think the care plan is to hang in there with me because they’ve tried the “do this do that”. Less pressure today because of that.

I was doing counselling but it was bringing up too many negative thoughts. It’s one of those situations where for now acceptance and koko is the best I can do.

Ellie Anne I love that one and often sing it to myself.
I also like
“Let your beauty shine on me Lord, shine on my heart, my mind, my soul. Let your beauty shine on me, shine and make me whole”
nanny I think we all have guilt over what we think we should or could have done.
Oh I’m sorry they’re taking Binks. I remember when you first found him. It will be so different without them all. Is there a chance you could move closer to them?
Wylloware you having any counselling or help to try and bring you out of this slump. You were always so intelligent and articulate in your posts and were coping quite well till things got on top of you. Have you got a care plan of how you’re going to move forward? I hate to think of you there day after day. One day on my own brings me down a lot.
HVDY I do like being in church. Always have but more so since DH died. I find it peaceful it means a great deal to me.
Oh is your SIL in a new place? Nice of you to go with your brother hope you find her comfortable and cared for.
Scaredycat sit fit went well thank you. I was in two minds whether to bother when a place came up for me but now I’m glad I did. I do ache after but it’s good to learn about things that could help my mobility and also getting to know the others there too.
I love candlelight. I find the flame from a candle mesmerising.
By contrast to yesterday I’ve been busy today sorting paperwork. Of all the things to upset me today I opened a drawer and found a pair of DH’s soft socks that he wore when his legs were bad. Just sat and cried over a pair of socks.
Sweetpeasue good you felt the GP was understanding today. Hope it results in some action. Will you take up the offer of a second opinion by another vascular consultant?
Can your husband sleep at night with the pain? It sounds like nerves or blood flow problems. Wish they’d do something more positive to help, Well done for battling on.

Nanny2507 That's quite some distance and time travelling to your son and family so can understand your worries . I'm sorry that Binks and other animals will be going. I'm sure you'll miss them at first but luckily you have your own and your dogs - wonder if it's possible to give another cat a home if you miss the others too much. Life's so hard at times and I do feel for you. I m glad you intend to go whenever you can.Love and a hug x
Wyllow It sounds like every day is an extra hurdle for you to get over. I hope one day soon you'll find the hurdles are disappearing and you feel stronger. I'm sure it will happen. Do you think the Drs have your meds right? Glad you got some treats for yourself. You are worth it.
Scaredycat Yes , Fluffball is certainly full of beans and gets very excited even though she's nearly 2 Yr old. We're having her tomorrow and Thursday. Once when DH brought her in I'd hidden behind door downstairs and she galloped up the stairs - heard her stop to take it in ,then gallop downstairs again.😂 She really loves her cuddles and she's all shorn at the moment like a lamb.
Doodle I'd forgotten what Taize was but I remembered looking up Nadateturbe and the name is also a Taize song and really lovely with words about letting nothing disturb you.( Think that's it anyway) How have you been today? Hopefully some good moments amongst your sadness and loneliness.
HVDY I so hope that your brother was kind today and appreciated your help and company.Also that your SIL is settled in the new home which will put your brother's mind at rest and yourself.
You are so good to him ,I wish he could show some sort of appreciation and kindness. Hope that eye starts to get better too.
EllieAnne Hope you're having good time to yourself and are feeling more relaxed at home.
ElveralCandy**LucyD*NannyG4 Allsorts*Whiff Nadateturbe Sorry if not mentioned but read all your news and hope you're doing OK.

Saw 'our' GP and felt he understood. He's already written about appt (DH has this app thing) and it's appeared on his phone. Understand us not being happy about Vascular appt and not considered a 2nd opinion that we asked for, as it was same vasc consultant. Told him about Rheumatologist that is going to do ultrasound on his arm/hand and doing xray on neck. UnJust to rule it out GP sending him for MRI on neck so Vascular can't say DHs arm/hand pain is to do with nerves there. GP really knows that because the pain is from hand up. Got feeling GP knows its Vascular too as he said afterwards we can go to another Vascular surgeon - his suggestion. Also DH getting ECG and blood test to investigate chest tightness and breathlessness. Having those on Friday night .
I'm glad something more being done but just sigh over all this back and forth from one to another and DH still with awful pain in that arm and can't do anything with it or it hurts more.

Hoping everyone has a peaceful night - I say that often but I'm sure nights are worse than days for troubles. Take care all.x

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- hopefully today you,ll have been able to see the GP. Well done in encouraging your DH to see him- if anyone deserves the GPs time it’s your DH.
Glad the dentist visit went off ok and you managed a walk too- what a day.
My friend has a Cavapoo pup who is a year old now and so sweet. Full of beans though - but they have lots of doggy experience so they can cope.
Wyllow- I remember when you were thinking of moving and can understand that right know isn’t a good time. But it’s something to think about and you could do some research again for the area you were interested in . Something to take your mind off the cycle of thoughts that conspire to keep you so unhappy. A new place to explore and new people to meet- making new memories not being haunted by old ones round every corner.
Yay you got treats!! You are trying so hard and there are sometimes definitely glimmers of our Wyllowxx
HVDY- your poor niece but it was a pretty quick recovery although painful.
Jaffa is one laid back cat and it’s lovely that Little Girl has grown up with cats so knows how to treat them. She is a Cat Lady in the making. What a good little thing to walk what must have seemed a long way for her. No wonder she was tired.
Glad the eye drops are helping and hope after a few more days your vision is clearer.
Doodle- I googled a Taize Service and it sounds very peaceful and calming. Just to sit in the flickering candle light and quietly remember- very healing.
A lazy day is sometimes just what you need and the painting is therapeutic isn’t it.
Hope sitfit went well this morning.
Nanny2507- don’t beat yourself up- you did your best and we all know life changes in the blink of an eye - we are powerless.
Oh dear your house will feel empty without all those lovely cats and dear old Binks. There are so many poor cats out there who need homes so maybe later you might find a couple with your name on them!!
So nice to have you with us.

Love to all - those mentioned and those not. Hope you’re all having the best days possible and take care all of you

Doodle Being a non-believer, I don't know anything about churches, services, etc. I looked at YouTube, it looks and sounds very calming and pleasant.

Nanny2507 You did what we all do - your best for your husband. I suppose everyone who has been bereaved thinks of the "if only" scenarios, and it must be very difficult. Binks and the other cats will miss you. At least your original cat and your dogs will be staying. It'll mean less work and feeding for you to do, though.

Wyllow3 I'm glad you managed to get some nice food items. Do you like crisps and/or crackers? With cheese? (I've got a sweet tooth myself)

SweetpeaSue Hope things go will today.

I'm going to my brother's soon, then we're going to go and see his wife at her new home. My right eye is still blurry and I wish I wasn't going, but I said I would. Back later x

I’m glad the eye drops are helping a bit,* HVDY*. I really hope they will recover asap.
That was one busy day with LittleGirl. No wonder she fell to sleep after all that activity.

It sounds like you got some way with the GP Sweetpeasue for DH - but not enough, with the blood test, which I guess may affect medication. Good for you for persuading him, you need to discuss the result. Well done for the walk. I hope the dentist was OK

Wise and kind words for Nanny from you Doodle and others about guilt and all the “if only’s. You’ve been busy, not surprised you had a lazy day, but hard to be alone.

It’s going to be very hard for you nanny when they go. Not just the “if only’s” sometimes self anger. Yes, definitely go whenever you can and come in here.

I’m not in any state to consider moving, I was before my breakdown in October 23. I cant get interest enough to look after it properly or myself easily. Music has lost its meaning (used to love Taise)
Like having to force myself to have shower or self-care. A lot of time spent coping with the mood of the moment when its really bad. I cant explain it, it’s my MH condition.

Did shop today and got ready meal treats.

A wave to Ellie Anne popping in, and regulars not in today and to the readers.

xx Night night all.

Hi all when Ds & DGS move they will be 5 hours away on a good run 6.5 if traffic. With both parents being both autistic and ADHD social skills are poor so their ability to deal with visits will be sketchy. But I will most definitely be forcing myself upon them! I also forgot to say they are taking Binks! As most of the cats we have (7) are theirs they are all bonded so separation wouldn't be fair. I will be left with my original cat only as he really hasn't gelled with the others. I will be left with 2 dogs and 1 cat. What a shock that will be.

nannyg4 I lost my DH 20 months ago. I'm so mad with myself for not getting home early enough to save him. So mad I didn't say I love you at the end of our last call. So mad it was him and not me. I feel your pain xx

Oh I know that one doodle. It’s lovely

Sorry HVDY I can’t pick up a link to your tube but if you Google Oh Lord Hear my Prayer on YouTube you should be able to hear what it sounds like.

NannyG4 i have spoken to lots of bereaved people and most of not all feel guilty about something. Me too. It’s hard not to. Just like the “if only’s”. If only I’d done this or if only that had happened. But you never know what the alternative would have been. Like you I’m ok ish with others it’s when I’m alone at home the problem starts. I do think counselling helps as does church and faith. You are welcome here anytime.
Sweetpeasue I expect your glad the dentist appointment is over. Good you had a walk after. Good thing the Gp phones and sorted out the meds but I think you’re right you need to have that appointment Tuesday to talk of other things,
I thought Fluffball was a caverpoo. Our son had a cockerpoo and he is much bigger than Fluffball. Droopy ears and doleful eyes. He’s lovely.
Wyllow moving is something you can look forward to and plan. Look around to see what available and what would interest you. It helps having something to plan for. Hope you manage a walk again soon. I loved the Taize service especially the 5 minutes silence. Lovely to be in church with only candles lit and no one talking. So peaceful.
.HVDY Taize is a bit like a singing chant. It’s like a sentence of two repeated to music over and over and over again. It sounds odd but can be lovely I’ll try and find a link for you.
Sorry your eyes still bad. Hope they feel better soon.
Scaredycat hope you’ve had a good day, Hope your DGD is managing to cope and not in too much pain.
I’ve been lazy today. Just been doing a little painting not much else. Sleepy now sit fit tomorrow

Nanny2507 I'm so sorry you're feeling anxious about your son and DGS moving away. You must be so close now to your little DGS and be dreading it. Are there any trains that run between your home and their next one? You sound so lonely and of course you can come in here whenever you feel. Sorry if I'm on the wrong track, but is it yourself that has Binks, the mischievous cat and lots of other animals? Do you have a neighbour who could feed them if you were away at your son's new home? Your DGS is a lovely age and I bet you are smitten- they are so sweet.
NannyG4 It would be lovely to live near and meet up. We could all have a coffee together. It must be so hard to be on your own and I know there are many on here who are in your position that can agree with you about that. I'm sure you did everything possible to help your DH. I think it's natural to go over and over things and think what if I'd said this or that or done the other. We can only do our best at the time, with the information we had at the time. Please don't beat yourself up about that.Sending love .
*HVDY *You must be tired after having Littlegirl all day - and without the pushchair too- lots of bending . Hope she enjoyed the new playgroup. What a very full day for you. Hope that right eye gets better quickly though. Oh and you were right about Fluffball- she's a Cavapoo not Cockapoo.
Doodle Hope you've had a decent day.
Was taken aback a bit as our GP called DH this morning about BP readings - he's to raise a BP med a bit but he talked to DH about previous consultants appts. I wasn't included but I want to still have appt for DH tomorrow as the blood test for heart wasn't mentioned. DH doesn't like taking up Dr's time so I think I've persuaded him.

Sorry if you're not mentioned today- I do read your news. Hope you got that treat Wyllow
Very tired but we managed a walk after Dentist appt.
Hope everyone is OK today and wishing all a peaceful night- mind aswell as body.x

SweetpeaSue Best of luck in seeing a GP tomorrow. Hope all goes well.

Busy day today - Little Girl 7.45, breakfast and playgroup (a new one), then lunch at home, then park (we didn't have a pushchair so she toddled around a lot). She was collected at 3.30, asleep. Hope ALL BDers have been ok today x

Candy6 Hope you've had a good rest after your busy few days.

Nanny2507 I'm please you're now seeing a lot of your grandson. They are lovely, aren't they. It's a shame they're going to be moving, but you'll be able to visit and/or meet halfway, perhaps.

Elvera1 Time spent with family/loved ones is always good. It's nice that you had help with some jobs.

Wyllow3 You did well to speak with the Bank Manager. Getting the mortgage paid off is a big thing (ours was paid off 10 years ago and was a load off our minds). You can make your home nice as you want it.

ScaredyCat My niece broke her ankle by slipping over on wet grass, only had a boot to wear during the daytime. It took a month to heal but she had a lot of pain with it all. Hope your DGD goes on alright. Jaffa isn't bothered by Little Girl (she never touches him. They've got 2 cats at theirs and she leaves them alone_.

Doolde The eye drops are helping, thanks. The vision in
my right eye is still really blurry though. I'll continue with the drops for a few more days and see how things are. What is a Taize service?

NannyG4 I can only sympathise. I am sure you did everything you could for your husband and looked after him well. It would be great if we all lived near to each other.

(Doodle want to move when I can cope but too much atm)

I’m sorry about your family moving one Nanny its really tough when your mind is doing that and being self-castigating, and hard to find relief and be kind to yourself.

Nice for DD to come over for a natter, Scardeycat and bits for GD’s recovery and for her to do more soon..

I’ll do my best on the treats front tomorrow.

Taize music is lovely, Doodle and glad it worked for you, I can just imagine the candles and the peace. Hope you get more sleep.

Sweetpeasue I hope it goes as well as it can at the dentist and try much hoping the GP can help more with DH on Tuesday.

Tough day, got through

Loving wishes all, thinking of regulars and readers as ever, and night night.

Wyllow I have those pictures too. Of course they could be way out , but it sort of gives us an extra way of defining each other. Hope your day is better tomorrow.
Doodle Good you enjoyed the Taize service- sounds very peaceful. I love looking at candles- keep some to light on my coffee table. Our GP is on tomorrow but I've a dental appt( filing down a tender previously root canal tooth for a crown) not looking forward to it - but GP is on Tuesday where we can go any time they have spare. Hope you sleep well.
Elveral I understand that this thread can help. Just a few kind words can make a difference, which is what I find and found a lifeline when I first came here too.
Take care everyone.x