Black Dog 24

SweetpeaSue Your husband clearly has something wrong, somewhere, for his BP readings to be so very different in each arm. March is quite a way off. Hope he gets a cancellation appointment before then.

*Doodle SIL and niece share a house (with niece's bloke and their twins), they live about 8 miles from me - they're very near to my brother, but he hasn't seen either of them for many years, says he's not interested in doing so (you know how he is). Glad the lady at the counselling is nice and understanding. Lovely that your son will be home. Will you see him at the w/e?

Wyllow3 I'm pleased you'll still see the carer you like. Did you see her today? It rained all day long here, and is now very cold.

ScaredyCat It's very sad to see someone deteriorate like that. My SIL used to have a marvellous memory. It's ironic and tragic that she can't even remember something from 10 minutes ago now. She's at least happy and not agitated like she used to be. She's moving into the new care home tomorrow. It started raining here at 9.30am, and poured it down every bit of the day until about 6pm.

SweetpeaSue As you say, there's always something to pay out for with a car. Well done on the walk. I really need to walk more (but am too lazy).

EllieAnne I used to feel so very guilty about how I used to smack Son1 when he was little (Son2 was a calm child), and I've apologised again and again, even last year. He's 43 now and says I was a great mum - I tried my best but found it all hard. You haven't been a bad mum, you did what we all did - your best, perhaps with little money or help (like me). You're being too hard on yourself, and you aren't a failure at all. You need to start going to your groups and perhaps find a way to boost your confidence too.

Today, the day centre had lasagne and salad, which was lovely. I gave my pudding to someone else (he ate 2). Spoke too soon about my eyes - the Conjunctivitis and Blepharitis have been really sore. DH got me some different (better, I hope) drops for the Conjunctivitis.

I'm so cold, got heating on 20 degrees, my dressing gown over my clothes. DH is wearing a t-shirt . Hope ALL BDers have a cosy evening x

Sending love to you all and strength to keep going through these hard times…….unfortunately I’ve hit rock bottom, can’t think straight and dont want this life I have now….sorry for being so miserable. I long to see my DH again….❤️❤️🙏

Lost a post grrr.
Scaredy-cat he has not mentioned 🐶again but son says he is constantly emailing about times food etc so I think he is going.
We’ve had an emergency alert from the government on mobile. All schools are closed tomorrow and no trains buses or ferries.
I’m still struggling. Blaming myself for being a poor parent and causing my children s problems especially dd. And feeling guilty because of my feelings about Dh. I’ve not been to any of my groups because I feel such a failure.

Scaredycat So sorry your friend's dementia is progressing so much and so quickly that you've noticed such a difference in her since last you saw her. Think I mentioned before that my aunt has serious memory problems and I wonder too how long she'll be able to cope alone. It must make you terribly sad to see her when you've been so close and to know her DH is suffering the same wretched illness - and it s utterly cruel isn't it. Your posts are so kind to everyone and uplifting. Yes, pass the parcel is exactly what DHs treatment is feeling like. We are dusting ourselves down today and agreed to do what we can for his(and mine) fitness and went for a sea-front walk in the rain this afternoon. There's 100metre markings along the sea- front so we'll try and improve distances each time. For myself, I'll try and conquer the fatigue by pushing myself a bit to help DH .
You're right - Fluffball days coming up next Thursday and Friday as son goes back next week. Sure she'll be a good motivated!

Hope everyone has had a decent , not- too- bad day. We got DHs car back from garage after new gear- box fitted. Always something. £££££!
Glad we managed a walk - only just over a mile but knee wouldn't allow more today and keeping an eye on DHs breathlessness.
Take care everyone.

Wyllow Thankyou for your hugs 🙂.
I'm so glad you've not lost the nice carer and you managed a walk and talk with her yesterday.
I'm sorry you won't see your fav MH worker as much though. You shouldn't have to pay for another carer but I think it will definitely benefit you in your recovery so if you are able to do that. As Scaredycat says , the more human contact and walks in the fresh air you have the better and you'll not feel so alone. Hugs back .x

Back later.

Hi all
HVDY- Thank you. Yesterday we went to visit our friend with Alzheimer’s whose DH is very poorly with it in a care home. She has got worse in the short time since we last saw her. She can see after herself with help from family but for how much longer ? It’s so sad as she’s so confused and bewildered and has no idea she is poorly. I don’t need to explain to you how helpless and sad we feel.
So nice to have a meet up with your SiL and neice you must have had a lot to catch up on. Good walk too- glad your eye drops are helping.
Poor Jaffa- how fortunate for him though he has you to love and care for him. Hope Little Girl was well enough to have her first speech session.
SweetPeaSue- Doodle has given you some good advice. She has had much experience of dealing with such things.
You must both have been so dissappointed as you seem no further on. They just seem to play ‘pass the parcel’ with you both.
You are not moaning- you are stating facts and getting tired and fed up of going round in circles.
Are you due a Fluffball day soon- she always manages to cheer you up.
Doodle- I,m glad you feel a bit more hopeful. These awful Winter months are so draining and depressing but hopefully when the warmer sunshine appears it will be a Ray of Hope for the future. Maybe you and your friend could have a couple of days away together .
Ah your DS is home today- I bet you get a great big hug when he sees you. Yes I,m sad I don’t see my DS more often but his MH and happiness is more important. We FT quite frequently and it makes him feel closer. It was awful before we had that.
How wonderful you have a kind counsellor. That is o important - I hope she will be a great comfort for you. You can say what you want to her without worrying.
I went for a walk early and now it’s pouring with rain- please come back sunshine. You,ll have babies on the river soon I expect this is the right weather for ducks!!
Wyllow- It’s a shame you won’t see so much of your fave MH worker but at least you will still see her sometimes. But good to hear thatyou enjoy the company of the nice carer. It would be good if you could arrange to have more regular visits- it would be money well spent for a while. My friends DD has arranged for someone to visit her for an hour several times a week. As backup.
It’s human contact you need so eventually you have the confidence to do some of the things you used to love. Also getting in the fresh air will help your physical health. Hopefully the brighter weather will see a bit of brightness for you too.
Take care Wyllow- we are all right behind you.
Candy- hope you,ve got some swimming in.
Nadateturbe- think of you often and hope you have some better days soon.
Whiff- great news you are doing well
Allsorts- how have you been?
EllieAnne- what happened with the weekend and the dog?
Lucyd,Elveral,NannyG4 and anyone I have unintentionally left out hope you are having the best day you can.

I’m glad things are a bit better eye wise today HVDY That was a nice outing! (Well done on salad and walk too).

Sweetpeasue I’m still seeing my nice carer, I saw her today and we went for a walk and talk, it’s my favourite Mental Health worker I will see less of. So I did see someone today.
It’s so hard for you like going round in circles for treatment for your DH. Hugs. And for a Rheumatologist appointment as soon as possible. Of course it’s wearying not knowing.

Doodle yes I need to ring up the carer place for more support, I can afford it.
Those are good suggestions for Sweetpeasue especially making sure the GP has a summary/update email in the notes

I was very glad to read that the hospice lady is a very nice one. Now you know who you’ll be seeing.

Thinking of all BD’s whether you’ve been in or not - koko friends.

Best nights, all.

Doodle Pleased she was a nice lady at your first bereavement counselling at hospice.
I appreciate your help and guidance of what to do and will do what you've said. I realise you've had to take care of your own DHs many ailments and thankyou for your help. X

Wyllow I’m so sorry that is not a change you need. Of course you are down. You need stability and more help not less. Can you afford to pay for more help or someone to come and keep you company for a bit. I really am sorry.
Sweetpeasue you seem to being passed from one to another. I would do what the hand surgeon says and phone the rheumatology secretary and ask her to inform the rheumatologist what the hand surgeon has said about an appointment asap. I would also write to your DH’s GP and tell him the results of the conversation. Tell them your concerns again. Ask for a copy of your email to be included in your husbands medical record then ask for a copy of the record when that’s done. You know only to well that some reports vanish into the ether.
HVDY hope Jaffa is on the mend soon. Nice to meet your S’il and daughter. Do they live far away? That’s a good long walk. Well done you. I need more exercise that’s for sure.
Scaredycat your comments are so kind and so helpful. It gives me hope. Our son I hope will be home tomorrow. Yours however will not and that must make you so sad you don’t see him more often. At least if he’s happy that’s something.
I’ve been to church this morning and had my first bereavement counselling at the hospice today. Very nice lady.
Allsorts and Candy thank you for you kind thoughts.
Glad to hear Whiff is getting better. Please pass on my love and best wishes.

Wyllow Oh I'm sorry you'll nit see that carer as much. I know you get on really well and can talk to her so that must be quite a blow. Hope you had a better day today. It must be so lonely not seeing anyone.Hugs.
HVDY Hope Littlegirl is picking up. It must have been good to see your SIL and well done for the salad at lunchtime.Glad to hear your eye- drops are working. It's miserable when you can't focus properly with sore ,watery eyes.

Saw Hand surgeon and as expected nerve induction tests show not Carpal Tunnel related . He examined his hand and arm and he knows its painful. Nerve tests show the nerves in his shoulder not the cause either. Still says there Vascular Insufficiency in that arm. Not his area anymore. DH sees Rheumatologist in March so we'll want to know who reviewd his Doppler scan again and decided it's not Subclavian Steal . The leading Rheumatologist told us it was and so did the Radiographer that did the scan at the time. I don't think there's another condition where there is the vast difference in BP in both arms (60mm difference in Systolic) - a classic symptom of SS.
Hand Surgeon said to get Rheumatologist secretary to give DH any cancellations that come up before March.
I just don't know what is going on. Both tired and stressed but we'll just have to koko.

Sorry for the moan. It's so wearying not knowing what's happening.
Take care all and hope you are all coping as well as you can. Xx

ScaredyCat You write such caring, thoughtful posts for everyone. How's your day been?

SweetpeaSue Not the news you had been hoping for. The hand surgeon tomorrow will perhaps give a definite diagnosis. I hope so.

Wyllow3 It's a pity your favourite lady will be seeing you less frequently. I hope you'll get a suitable replacement.

Doodle Have you had a bust day?
EllieAnne How are you?

I've been using the eye drops, so things have been better today. Jaffa will get frequent problems, with him being FIV, but I'll sort him out. Met my SIL today (widow of brother who died 21 years ago) and her daughter. Made a nice change, had a pub lunch (I had salad), and walked about 2 miles, which was good. Hope ALL BDers have been ok today x

Caught up with your todays and thank you for kind wishes. Cant write much, difficult meeting, and I will be seeing my fave worker less (she's a manager now so...) and there must isn't enough of what I really need - v down, will write more tomorrow.

HVDY take good care of you and Jaffa.

All so difficult Sweetpeasue - thank goodness its the hand surgeon tomorrow x

Wave for Doodle and EllieAnne

Scaredycat your kind, thoughtful posts, as ever.

Night night BD's.

Wyllow Sincerely a Happy Birthday. I know you will have had much better ones. Really hoping your next one will find you so much better mentally.Love. x
No energy to reply to all.
DHs appt left us blindsided. After being told he has Subclavian Steal Syndrome for last 10mths, consultant showed us an addendum to a previous letter (that confirmed Subclavian Steal) that said a review of a previous scan showed it wasn't Sub Steal. Doesn't make sense at all. The vast difference in BP in both arms confirms Sub Steal, plus the arm/hand pain.
Will see hand surgeon tomorrow and we trust him to tell us what he thinks. He's done 4 ops on DH and he's a gentleman. He's already said DH has Vascular Insufficiency in left arm.

Sorry not addressed everyone. Just so upset with it all.
Take care.x

Wyllow happy birthday from me and a hug.
Sorry all been out at an AGM only just come in and I need to have dinner then get to bed as I have an early start tomorrow.
Catch up then xx

Lucyd- I meant Spring!!

Hi all.
Lucyd- That must have been very upsetting for you especially that it triggered very sad memories for you.
You speak so kindly and helpfully about your own experiences of loneliness. Love that you tell DH about your day to day life like Doodle.
I have never been to Scotland but it looks beautiful. I love to watch big waves in Cornwall when we visit especially on a stormy day.
Thank you for the cheery reminder that aspiring is not so far away. Keep warm in the caravan these next few days as there is
some nasty old weather on its way
Doodle- that E Mail must have really punched you in the tummy- I,m so sorry .
Yes I remember that I hated the word ‘widow’ - I was so young and felt life as I knew it was finished. But my children had lost their Dad and Brother so had to keep it all together .
There are sunny days to come for you- they sort of creep up on you and you realise life is still good. Different but good .
You,ll be glad when your Son is home again - he must have interesting work. Mine is home again safely- miss him so much but just glad he is happy with his wife and furry family.
Hope today has been a better one for you.
SweetPeaSue- thank you yes we did make memories- lots of laughs and hugs too.
I,m sorry yesterday was uncomfortable for you . I had to laugh at your ‘old woman’ remark. . You are just a baby but I often say those exact same words!!!
Do hope that DH appt was much more informative and caring than the last one. He sounds such a patient and kind person and deserves better.
Candy6- Ah you were waving goodbye yesterday too. Yes it used to be terrible when he left- I felt like my heart would break. I used to think I,d never see him again and was generally bereft. Thank goodness we saw the light with the ADs eh!
Hope you get your fitness back properly soon but it’s great that you are back at the Gym. Just take it slowly and don’t overdo it til those germs clear off. Love the title of your class- my legs are ok but my tum and my bum are in the wrong place - wish I could swap them round.😩
Allsorts - really nice encouraging post - you have been really brave.
You,re right the dark ,short days are the pits .All the colour seems to disappear along with the warmth.
Great news about Whiff.
HVDY- I do,hope Little Girl was able to have her first speech session. I guess she just wanted Nanny cuddles yesterday.
Your eyes must feel so sore. It’s sensible to stay in and keep warm- it’s freezing today. You and Jaffa can just enjoy a nice day in together. Hope he’s better soon too.
Wyllow-Belated Birthday Wishes and hope your next year brings you better times.Must have been nice to get the messages.
Glad you had a treat- yes hard to shop but you did it👏👏
What a shame your lovely empathetic nature can’t extend to caring for yourself.Those mind games your head puts you through are hard to fight I know
Hope todays visits from the MH workers were encouraging and they listened to what you want from them as well as what they
want from you. Was one of them the one you like?

Love to all BDs - those maybe just reading and those who are absent today. Hope tonight is peaceful for you all

Wyllow3 Belated birthday wishes . Could you perhaps set yourself some small goals? Getting some trousers, having hair done, ringing sister, getting into your garden, that kind of thing? I hope the meeting with the MH workers goes well today.

I hope ALL BDers have a decent day. On top of the Blepharitis I've now have for about 2 months, I seem to have Conjunctivitis (again), so a day indoors with Jaffa . He's got a prescription this morning for his Rhinitis, so we'll comfort each other . Love to all x

Wyllow 💐

It sounded like LittleGirl was definitely not herself today, HVDY. Its not easy weather to let go of winter comfort food weight wise.

I thought you’d be sad, Scaredycat. Quite right to feel proud of them. I’m just so glad they came and hope you got some photos.
Yes, it takes courage for many of us to just get through, perceptive words. (As are your thoughtful posts to us all)

I hope you are coping OK in the caravan Lucyd. You really need that good weather. I have relatives in SW Scotland coast so know it a bit.

Aw, Doodle, not surprised you are crying, what a big trigger. Hugs.

To be honest? No, I don’t feel better. What can I say? Obviously I have a big trigger you all know about, but it’s not an excuse but reality that I do have a clinical level MH problem and have on and off a long time. I’m articulate, but cant use my understanding to lift me out, although it can help me understand others. *Candy you are right thoughts play games.
But coming in here matters

Now, Doodle you are right not whinging, your loss, like others bereaved here, is so real and present x

Sweetpeasue so sorry to hear it was a bad aches and pains day.
I hadn’t forgotten tomorrow is Dh’s big appointment. Hoping so very much that it helps!

Candy well done for getting to the gym despite the virus. I too hope you will be stronger soon.

Wise words Allsorts for others. You ar right about the time of year, cold dark days.

It was my birthday today. I had a treat ready meal. So hard just to shop. Had nice whatsapps from DS and the grandchildren.
Tomorrow I see both MH workers and dreading it frankly. Do this do that? When I want to say, look after me, dont make me feel bad I cant to do this and that.

But nights all….to all Bd’s here, or reading, or not in today.

SweetpeaSue You're certainly not old. I hope tomorrow's appointment goes well for your DH. Remember to write things down so that you can ask questions.

Candy Yes, tomorrow is the 1st speech therapy session (12 in all). LittleGirl was so clingy and not her usual self at all today, so I hope she'll be better tomorrow. Hope you get to see your son again soon. ADs can really change a person's life - they've been a life-saver for me, too.

Hope ALL BDers have a good rest tonight x

ScaredyCat Yes, you must be feeling sad that your son has gone back. When will you see him again? I remember how upset you used to get before the ADs. You're like a different person now.

LucyD I expect certain things will trigger the trauma of your husband dying. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. We've got the vapour rub, thanks, and we gave GD Calpol too. She slept for almost 2 hours here, which she never does. They catch things all the time at this age, don't they?

Doodle That invitation must have been upsetting. There's nothing anyone can say or do, but it must be very hard to be without your beloved husband.

Doodle, 8 months is a very short time since your dh died, you are still reeling. You will never get over the loss but I know you will, in time, keep your husband in your heart whilst making a different life for yourself, it takes time. I had never been for a coffee or a meal on my own until I had been widowed about year and I made myself. I never wanted anyone but him but I decided to go on holidays on my own, was terrified at first but not for long. I stopped when Covid came. I can’t stop the periods of sad times I get but now I know they will pass, everything does.
LucyD I understand exactly what you're saying about things not for you. It must have been very upsetting your first aid course, bringing those memories back.
Scaredycat, I have periods where I exist on very little sleep, usually when anxious, I get depressed. Never liked December or January, dark and short days.
Love to everyone and that tomorrow better for everyone.
Good news us that Whiff is back and getting better.

Evening all
HVDY poor LittleGirl. They pick up so much when they’re young don’t they. It builds up their immune system but not nice at the time. Is it her first speech therapy appointment tomorrow? If so, hope she is well enough to go. Well done to you and DH on your weight loss. You have both made progress and dieting isn’t easy so you should be proud of yourselves.
Wyllow I hope you feel strong enough to go to Quakers soon. Very often our perceptions of what people think of us are wrong and it’s our thoughts playing games with us. I’d bet no one would judge or think badly of you but welcome you back to the group. I do understand that it may take a lot of courage for you to go but if you could it would be a start. It could be your goal, no pressure but something to work towards. Hope you get sorted with loungewear, there’s lots around at the moment. I spend my life in comfortable clothes and feel I don’t really need to dress up anymore. Hope today has been kind to you.
Sweetpeasue how nice your new friend got in touch with you and I hope you enjoy your meeting. It could be the start of a nice friendship. I hope you and DH have been ok today.
Whiff glad you’re on the mend. Your daughter sounds lovely. You must be grateful for all her help. I think we really do find out who really cares for us when we are in need. Hope you are well today.
Lucyd understandably the first aid course has triggered your feelings of loss and it must have been very difficult for you. I hope the feelings have passed now and you are feeling better. Nice you live on the coast. I love the sea.
Scaredycat when you say “ I can deal with his going so much better thanks to the ADs- should have done it long ago” - this could be my statement and I totally resonate with you. My son went home today too after being here the weekend and I was thinking as I dropped him off at the station how well I deal with it now. It used to be awful, just awful and now it isn’t and I’m so grateful for that. I know you don’t see your son that often so this weekend must have been very special for you. I hope your sadness has eased and you are feeling calmer.
Crocus I’m sorry but I don’t know anything about Mirtazapine only that it can cause drowsiness. Like others have said, if you’ve only just started taking it, then it could be the initial side effects. Maybe contact your GP and check.
Doodle I’m sorry the email has triggered you. Another hurdle for you and I hope you are feeling better now. You are facing these things with such courage and I hope things will get a bit easier for you soon.

Not had a bad day. Went to legs bums & tums class at the gym I’m finding it harder as my virus is still lingering I think but I’ll hopefully be stronger soon. Love to all and those not personally mentioned. Night all xx

Oh Doodle I am sorry, that must have been such a blow to you about the valentine's invite to restaurant. Wish I could find words of comfort but so glad that Scaredycat is here to help you as she's been through so much. Hope you can enjoy a glass of wine and you can sleep tonight. Sending love and a gentle hug. X

Aw Scaredycat Hope you have made some lively memories but it must be hard saying goodbye for now. You will be looking forward to your next Facetime with him.
HVDY Sounds like Littlegirl has another cold or virus poor soil. Good for the nice sleep she had. Ah - so you caught your man in the end!
Wyllow Sorry about your bad day. Surely there are some good ones to come for you. I hope Spring will bring more beginnings for you and less of 'what's the point' . Also hoping the weather will be good for you to have that walk with nice carer.
LucyD That scenario in First Aid course must have been very unsettling and upsetting. You did well to get through it . Hope you're managing to stay warm now. It must feel more comfortable to chat to your DH at times- don't worry that anyone thinks- you could be on the phone. How beautiful to live on the west coast of Scotland.
Doodle Hope you've been OK today. I think you mentioned 'Miserable Mondays. I hated Mondays as a child as back to school week. Hope you enjoy the sit fit tomorrow.

Back to aches ,pain and Fatigue today. Bad night and day so have had to rest ( feel like an old woman) - Oh, I am one.
Just need to be right tomorrow for DHs Vascular appt. Both really anxious about it and that he's not dismissed like last time.

Hope everyone has had the best day the could and if not there's a better one tomorrow. Love to all and not forgetting those not personally mentioned.