Depression in carers.

Please do contact AgeUk.

I am a carer for my D H - Alzheimer's Disease. A year since diognosis, so I know things will get worse!!!
Do apply for Attendance Allowance if you have not done that. Get help to fill the form in and don't pull any punches! Citizens advice or age concerns will fill out the forms for you. In the mean time see your GP and explain how you feel , also contact social services. Remember if you appear to be coping you will be left to do so. Shout loud , please get some help for yourself
💐💐

@Primrose53, am wishing you the strength to continue and sending hugs 🤗🌺

I very much sympathise. My husband had a major stroke in Nov, 3 months in hospital and now home. I am totally exhausted and cannot imagine having the strength to carry on like this maybe for many more years.

Obviously we hope he will improve but he is in a wheelchair, can only use left hand and left leg. Speech badly affected as is his emotional state. He is Very depressed and tearful. We spend ages practising speech therapy, massage, physio exercises but there is no time left in a day for me to do my own stuff.

It is full on caring. I go out once a week to do the weekly shop and that’s it. He cannot stand so I cannot take him out in the car.

At the beginning loads of friends contacted me but most have not contacted me for ages and that makes me quite sad. My best friend has her birthday next week and we are going out for lunch. I have told my family I am not cancelling this because I have already cancelled several meet ups.

I don’t think people like hearing the truth. They all say things like he will get better and things will get easier but when I tell them how hard it is or how much help he needs they just fade away. I guess because they don’t know what to say.

I can honestly say I would give every penny we have to go back to how we were before this happened. 😢

I am so sorry that you are going through this .
There should be a local association near you .
I looked after my father for years .
He could be extremely insulting and ungrateful at times .
I think that he was depressed ,sick ,in pain and had nothing to look forward to .
My children rallied round at first and then weren't so keen on visits when they had children of their own .
My grandchildren weren't keen on visits and excuses were made .
There was bad feeling from two of them as I couldn't help them out with childcare .
Now it has festered into deep resentment .

Please get some help .
Wishing you well .
Take care .
Esmay .

Not Susan but such as

Do you have a Carers Association or Group near you? They understand how important it is to look after carers Susan as yourself. My local one arranges trips you can go on with your husband and all sorts of courses such as creative writing, and head massages etc so you can have time out and be treated as a worthwhile person in your own right. They will arrange for someone to sit with dh so you can go to their sessions. It’s a breath of fresh air.

Social services can arrange respite care to give you a real break. Even a day out for dh would be good for him to meet other people and have interests outside of the home.Please ask for this help. You deserve it. You will then find you can better cope with dh’s negative remarks.

Yes I understand what caring is like. My husband died in Jan, and my son is terminally ill. Please apply for attendance allowance. My husband got it. It's not means tested. Ill
People say nasty things when they are in pain. Please try to get out. Ask your children to sit with him, so that you can. Even a walk helps. Take care and ask doctor for help too.

I definitely agree with UsedTBB make as much fuss as you can with SS and ask for help.. you do sound as though you could be suffering from Depression.. I would make an appointment with your GP and ask him to make a referral to SS and to give you any medication he thinks might help you.. You definitely need respite and a holiday .. this burden should not be yours alone.. will you AC step up and allow you to have some free time..

Do they know how you are feeling .. it might be that things were said in anger and they have no idea that you are mulling over things and feeling so hopeless.. Do ask for help

I second those advising you to contact social services in your area.

Subsidised of course!!

I was in my early 70’s when my H was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia, yes that is possible.
I was 82 when he died and apart from the last 4 months of his life I cared for him on my own.
The last 5 years I couldn’t leave him alone.
With the help of SS , not always good, I had 3 periods of respite of up to 2 weeks.
This was subsided and I paid between £200 and £400 each time.
Eventually I got him into daycare from 9:30 to 5:30 one day a week which was helpful so help is out there .
Please make a nuisance of yourself to SS.
He who shouts loudest gets served first.
I do sympathise.

Wow. That’s so unpleasant of them, you’re clearly a kind and hardworking person. I’d say contact Age Concern and Social Services to see what support you can get. Frankly I think that you need a long term break from it and take time to do things you want to do. Your efforts are clearly not appreciated so you’re well within your rights to stop. I do hope things improve for you very soon.

dissillusioned2022

I am a carer and an elderly person (aged 75). I have nothing to look forward to and only really keep going for my little dog. I am supposed to be a carer for my husband, but get no carers allowance as I have a pension. Basically I am a wife and a servant - unpaid of couse.

I was thinking the other day of some of the things my family have said to me - my husband recently said I was a stupid idiot, my daughter many years ago said she hated me and my son said I had fingers like sausages. Why should I bother? They all come to me when they want something!!!

I am so sorry you feel this way but is totally understandable, caring for loved ones is one of the hardest and least rewarded days work a person can do, and as you say unpaid. You are of course expected to do this because he is your husband, but that expectation shouldn’t turn you into an unappreciated drudge who feels that whilst you care for others nobody cares about you.
Do ring Age UK as Aldom said. You deserve some help/respite, and I sincerely hope you get it. But don’t give up/give in, make sure that you care for yourself by being your own strongest advocate.
All the very best 🌺🌺

Do you have 28 days free respite care in the UK? If you do I really encourage you to make use of it and give yourself a break.
I hope you have a sympathetic GP.

Please contact Age UK and ask for their advice regarding your situation.
Just having someone to talk things over with, face to face will be helpful.
You might find it easier to see a way through this situation with some support. As someone has said already, your husband is probably entitled to attendance allowance. You could use this money to make life easier for yourself.
Thinking of you, hope you find a way through to a better quality of life.

Oh disillusioned, I am sorry to hear how low you are feeling.
I would like to add my voice to all of those here talking about respite - for you.
If you are able to do things away from your caring role, perhaps it would help .
Sending you best wishes for a change in your circumstances.

I don’t find the gp particularly helpful. I gave the doctor a list of behaviour issues (compiled with my son and daughter) that my husband is experiencing, but he just dismissed them. My husband is going through tests to see what is going on with him, (dementia?) but it is very hard day by day. I am 76 and husband 78. I am lucky to have supportive children. All I can advise is to see your doctor to try and get help for yourself. I need to get out every day (if possible) for myself. Shopping, church activities, WI meetings, just try to find something you can enjoy. I have joined a monthly carers group - associated with my doctors surgery- and have found it invaluable by meeting other carers and where you can seek advice and help. Look after yourself.

Your husband would be entitled to an attendance allowance surely. Please find respite opportunities for you. Contact adult social care and tell them you need help

It's really sad that you feel you haven't got anything to look forward to. Could you mange to get carers to help your husband? (if you've got savings, you'd have to pay).

About the things people have said - your husband perhaps felt frustrated that he needs help, but ought to be grateful that you help him. Your daughter - had you had a row? One of my sons said my wrinkly hands were like crocodile skin - he's not wrong but at 65 I'm embarrassed - but I don't hold that against him.

You sound overwhelmed with your responsibilities. Would/could your son and daughter help out with your husband so that you could have a break?

I don't know where you are, but Crossroads Caring for Carers is an excellent organisation (I worked for them for years when they had a branch in Nottingham)

You do sound very low disillusioned. It's understandable if you are a carer and life isn't much fun for you.
Thinking about unkind things people have said sounds like depression to me.
I would make an appointment with your GP and tell them what you've told us here.