Husband probably has dementia and just about to move house

Remember though neighbours can and do move. And friends age at the same time as you do. I was thinking of my friends nearby. Most are the same age mid 70s up to mid 80s.

I need some friends in their 50s!!!

Personally in your situation I would be looking to live near doctors, dentists, some shops and hospitals not too far away. Also some neighbours. I would assume that I won’t always be able to drive. I’m boringly pragmatic and having seen relatives who found themselves unable to be independent and regretting such a move I would always avoid a really rural situation. You say you have a daughter not too far away which is good but it is still good to-be independent if possible.

Not the same situation as OP but hubby and I have a caravan in rural mid Wales and we thought of a permanent move to the area. However, when we spoke to locals about doctor and dental services in the area, we discovered they weren't particularly good. Bus services should there come a time when we can't drive were pretty much non existent. Local shops were a car ride away, and nearest towns further. Local hospitals were shutting down, with A&E or minor injury units almost non existent. We decided to stay put as we felt we could becquute isolated if we did make the move.

The last 4 nights around tea time he has had to go to our gates, unlock them and make sure the padlocks he uses are on “ right to left “. He became very frustrated last night because he couldn’t open them and was getting quite angry. Turns out he was trying to open them with the shed keys. When I went to help him he denied the keys he was using were the wrong ones. I had to convince him to let me try in the end saying he was probably putting them in the wrong way!! It was so hard to see him get like this and so upsetting.

Perhaps read up on "Sundowners" -- he may have that?

My BIL3 had sundowners, was as you say, daily at tea time.

Here is a link www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/symptoms/sundowning

We both arranged power of attorney with my son. My son and DIL are executors for my DH’s will.

I can’t tell you what a relief it has been having my son and DIL do this.

My DH died in December. He knew he was dying so he was able to coach my son about everything to do with his affairs. I would not have been in a fit state to take anything in at this point.

Currently I’m managing to walk the dog and feed myself. My son and DIL have been beyond brilliant as executors and it’s massively taken the pressure off me.

I recommend you take out power of attorney for him now. Both for Finance and Estate and Health/wellbeing. It takes quite some time to be granted. You can do it yourself on line or with a solicitor which is quite expensive.
I am not sure how his current mental state would be viewed. You haven't had a definite dementia diagnosis? Maybe something to discuss with the Alzheimer UK helpline.

My daughter and I regretted that we did not have POA at that time for my husband when he received appalling care in hospital and it was a battle to get him home.
We have it now for him and I am sorting mine out now with a solicitor. We did his on line. A bit of a faff but doable.

Thank you wellbeck that is definitely something I hadn’t considered. I have thought about power of attorney but honestly don’t know. He’s definitely looking forward to the move but he definitely denying he has a problem. Depending on what state his mind is in at that moment. He has become very paranoid at times. He can be his normal self then suddenly he’s talking nonsense, counting the keys on his key ring convinced that someone has messed with them. The last 4 nights around tea time he has had to go to our gates, unlock them and make sure the padlocks he uses are on “ right to left “. He became very frustrated last night because he couldn’t open them and was getting quite angry. Turns out he was trying to open them with the shed keys. When I went to help him he denied the keys he was using were the wrong ones. I had to convince him to let me try in the end saying he was probably putting them in the wrong way!! It was so hard to see him get like this and so upsetting. I realise this is part of our future now and I am trying to not get upset. I feel so guilty sometimes because I’m snapping at him then I realise he really isn’t being awkward but he is genuinely not understanding what I’m saying.

Unless your home is in your sole name might there be problem about his signing papers.
Will he be deemed to have capacity to enter into contracts.

Thank you everyone for all the advice. It really is extremely appreciated. You have given me so many different perspectives and it’s really helped me put my thoughts in some order. I am tending toward making the move if we can pull it together. Many many thanks and for the good wishes given by all.

It sounds a no-brainer to me - move asap!

No-one can predict how or when dementia will progress. My late DM barely changed once she entered the care home. We decked out her room with familiar furniture etc from home and she never even noticed it! It became clear later that she had, in fact, been suffering from dementia for about ten years previously but the decline had been very slow and steady.

Just my story, I know. But it seems the new location will suit you both better (and YOU are important too), as will the bungalow and it seems ideal for older people to accept that detached 5-bed houses at the top of hills are not a good idea as we age.

Hopefully you will soon acquire a circle of neighbours and maybe new friends for the future.

Good luck with it all.

Your family are supportive and would still be close by, your sister would be closer, you have researched local services. If the sale/purchase jigsaw pieces come together quickly then yes, subject to medical advice, move to somewhere easier to manage, more suitable for any reduced mobility and where you believe you can both be happy.

If your husband is diagnosed with dementia he will likely become disoriented no matter where he is. It could be progress would be slow anyway and he will cope well with a move, particularly one he is positive about.

Take medical advice, ask the family to help then do what you believe to be best for you both. Good luck.

Do it!
Move now while you can, it will be good for both of you, no matter what happens.😃

I’m sorry to read this but I would carry on with the move too. Wishing you well.

I agree hasten does seem quite cold but I think everyone understands my meaning. I honestly hope you are right Macadia and he will be incredibly happy. My main goal is for us to have a peaceful and happy life together whatever life throws at us.

"Hasten" is such a harsh word to be used in the context of discussing dementia. Its almost as if there is a finish line one must cross. No, it is a journey and can be full of love and new findings of joy.

I expect that his dementia will show itself a bit more after the move but with relaxation and carefully planned moments, it will plateau and then he will be incredibly happy and rooted in his new simplified lifestyle.

Lots of good advice. I am in the go for it camp. As it's your future as well whatever that may bring.. a bungalow would be ideal for you.
The move may hasten his dementia, but may not. And you will be close to your sister and therefore hopefully her friends as well.
Good luck. I hope the lovely bungalow will be yours. As others say research whether GP and dentist can take you on their roll. And as a gran said take care with changing furnishings etc. Perhaps leave any judicious decluttering till you are both settled and DH feels happy with his new surroundings.

Don’t worry about safety rails etc at this stage as these will be provided by social services with OT input if and when required. New houses now have to be built with wider doors for wheelchair accessibility. Your dh probably wouldn’t be happy about these at this stage anyway as does not accept that he has dementia.

As part of your research I'd suggest you contact the GP and dentist surgeries in the new area, explain your husband's health concerns and ask if they would be able to register you as new patients.
They will have a maximum number of people they are allowed on their books.

We have good close neighbours but mostly now young families are moving in as all of our long time neighbours are also aging. Our new location has fewer houses as we live on quite a large estate with many more houses being built. We are actually further away from doctors etc here than the new location. My main concern really is whether the stress of the move hastens his dementia. The different views I am getting really is giving me confidence because I know I can make a fully formed decision hopefully without forgetting anything important.

Def move. The fresh air and lovely surroundings the two of you can enjoy will be beneficial to you both.

I can tell you love your DH very much. Yes, the move will cause some decline but at the same tume, it's not the reason of the decline. It sounds like you both have found the perfect place and it is a wise move.

With your help, he will learn his way. Be sure to carefully select very familiar objects for your home decor. This would not be the time to change or upgrade things like pillows, bedding, lamps, paintings, etc... If you dont get this house, a better one will come up. Make sure whichever one it is, that it has plenty of safety features like railings or grab bars. If not, have it retrofitted.

DH seems very excited and I wonder if he is, just because you are. Be aware of any apprehension he might have.

I wish you the best. It will be better methinks.

It rather depends on what you mean by "rural" - a word that fightens some people! We live in a rural area but it's a village, no shop and poor bus service but the longer established residents are a community and we help each other with transport to appointments etc. One of the ladies has dementia, but we all know and keep an eye on her, especially when she goes for a walk around the places she knows.

None of that would be possible in a town, where people tend to be anonymous. I realise you will be new people in the area, but making friends and joining in will get you established, as happens with some of our newer residents.

From what you say, although rural it has amenities, your family support it, a sister a mile away, lower maintenance, lower outgoings, all on one level (can be a huge bonus), your husband is keen.
The only stumbling block is your husband's possible dementia. The GP's opinion and advice may prove key. It's not all about husband, if you will be happier that counts for a great deal and may make supporting your husband easier. I wish you all the best.

Yes, move to a lovely one floored location, near your sister.

I believe, as you already don't drive, you know what is ahead. When we can no longer drive (there are no buses) we have a plan that includes deliveries, our daughters, grandchildren and taxis.

I believe taxis to be more reasonable than driving if one adds all car costs: petrol, MOT, insurance, maintenance, and the car itself losing value.

Don’t forget you will need support too. Also you need to consider that if dh does have dementia he may eventually need to go into a care home and you will want to regularly visit. Is there one close to the rural area you are thinking of moving to especially as you do not drive?

It might perhaps be a better solution to downsize to a smaller property where you are now. You will then have the support
Of your current friends and neighbours. My elderly neighbours moved away to a beautiful bungalow with glorious views but some miles away. Her dementia got worse and she moved into a care home leaving him in the bungalow in his late 80’s. Had they stayed here several of us would have visited her at the local care home and helped the husband. So sad.