BLACK DOG 26

(I just posted an earlier version of this in a very interesting thread active atm on Gransnet - worth checking out as its about relationships between men and women and both general issues of whether men can speak out and be more emotional than previously but also domestic abuse)

I'll come back later as its been a day of very rich contrasts (as earlier I saw my current CPN for the last time)

Anyway

I was posting on my mobile in a Costa. (and doing bits and bobs to get a break before going home to a rather chaotic house

A man working on his computer next to me - an expensive Apple - was wandering about talking to others, particularly the (Bame) business partner. I thought he was a well to do businessman, except....

I had been there for some time, and was ready to go, and was aware of this computer there unattended: and not even being kept an eye on.

So I went over and told him, and he was very friendly and said the Costa was like his 'home office".

Inevitably after popping to the loo I was curious, so I went over to ask what their business was

Well...!

He and the bloke with him were working together to help men who had gone through a breakdown trying to Be a Man and failing

Because he had, and ended up desperate at the GP at last, driven to tell all ,

He's on meds but stuck further as the NHS dont realistically I in his age range (1on Sertraline and trying without a lot of success to get further help. that my area of expertise you might say so I was able to explain probably the option was private counselling if he wanted. ( I must recommend the one I know)

Their plans are techie based, all good stuff for its reach, by using Algorithms to offer help where its needed.

I said that was great but of course he knew 1 2 1 was important as an end result.

He pointed out two men sitting outside the Costa...this is the absolute truth

See those two

"The man on the right" (quite "male" - big build etc)

is going through a very bad time and is being helped by the other one

He agreed that Covid had a lot to do with it

I said that it was harder for men in some ways, because women tend to more naturally reach out for "natters".

I was interested enough so offered to help, if they wanted?.

We've swapped contacts, so that I can carry on being involved in this spread of "men being there for men" with that brief. Again, me bearing in mind, its not just my experience, but my experience as a woman.

I also raised Domestic Violence and men and again, as in my post above, it is part of the mix

After all, that is part of my lived expereince

And its part of my healing not to be intimidated by interaction with men anymore (I said that) and to check out that they were men not intimidated by intelligence and being articulate (who was a reason I was gaslighted by my ex).

Watch this space - I just see, all around me, that men can change, that there are current forces speeding the process, and its better and happier for men and women from all cultures to change the boundaries and learn from each other not set each other up to lay blame.

Not that blame should not be laid, my goodness, it has to be big time, as without doing this there will be change"

Back later: today I also snaffled next doors bloke trimming trees etc to come and work for me soon, as he is not only very nice but very competent. that was lovely, sunny, positive.

Before I saw the CPN (I felt awful, fear of abandonment wanting to know who next... to know who.....

I also felt yet again so alone and wanting a partner, and thought I have to resolve it with Ex, just see him in some way, but the encounter in the cafe made me feel valued and by men too.

There are some times Quaker wise where a "sense of the spirit within" means this "Wanting" fades entirely for a very short time. ie the positioning of God as "the Other", The partner"

Nuff said, I will come down to earth later, but its been an intense day but with enough pacing around to keep grounded xx

Doodle I insisted that we thought it could be heart related when we told him about the breathlessness and it getting worse. GP just said that the blood test didn't show it was heart related and insisted on the Spirometry test . I believe I mentioned here at the time that I was worried the test might be too vigorous and could be harmful. He didn't take notice of that either.
Oh dear, dentist bills. They cost an arm and a leg now and only DH has managed to keep an NHS dentist.
No, any decorating is def on back burner now. Hope you enjoy company and church tomorrow.
Wyllow Forgot to mention that lovely garden light. Am I seeing things that aren't there- but is there a Buddha or a frog behind the light?

Wyllow are you tired from your mammoth bike ride and purchasing spree.? What an unusual day. Have your found homes for everything?
Love the photo. Is that a solar light on the pot? Certainly lights up the flowers.

Sweetpeasue I hope the GPs would take the facts as presented by you and your Dh and not think any MH issues contributed, i think you’ve been quite up front all the way through but they don’t seem to have listened.
I would certainly leave decorating and anything strenuous until your Dh has had his op and been checked over thoroughly.
HVDY I’m usually in bed by 10.30 or 11 but I’m still fast asleep at 6,30. Doubt I could get up then.
Hope the wall painting and ironing got done. Still haven’t had any rain here apart from a few drops.
Scaredycat like you I do as little ironing as possible now. I’ve stopped ironing bedding and socks and pants.
Bit of a scary meeting with the dog. Glad it turned out ok. Hard to tell sometimes.
I went for a coffee with a friend this morning then the dentist. I was in there about 45 minutes. Couldn’t believe the size of the bill. They certainly know how to charge.
Church tomorrow and I’m looking forward to being there.
Ellie Anne I’m sure you are grieving the loss of your friend. Also your home life isn’t happy. You’ve nothing to lift your spirits. Don’t cut off from all your friends. Are the others ok?

Scaredycat Such a nice post to EllieAnne . You are so right about anxiety can turn in on ourselves.
You used to iron pants! 🤣 Once on mine never have creases. 🫤
Funny about the dog baring teeth- We used to have a neighbour with a Dalmation who did that smile. It really unnerved at first.It was a lovely dog.
EllieAnne Oh that 'so tired of everything' feeling - it's so horrible and I think we all get like that. It doesn't matter what the circumstances either. I think sometimes the Black Dog can appear at any time for some. But you have lost a very dear friend as well as being lonely in your marriage. I used to hate passing my mum's house after she died. I'm sorry you have to pass your friend's house so often. I wish I knew what to say to help. I wouldn't think anymore of the ' friend' who was bragging. Some people show themselves up at times. You have enough to cope with in everyday life. Have you thought about seeing a kind nurse. Sometimes talking can help so if you have anyone at all ( church or friend) it might help.
.meanwhile we are here and care even if we can't do very much. Sending you a hug and love. X

Anxiety is worse today.. and also feel overcome by a terrible loneliness.
Deciding to distance myself from yesterday’s friends is upsetting.
Am thinking some of it is because I am missing my friend. I pass her home every time I drive into town so it’s a constant reminder.
I’m so tired of everything.

Morning all
Wyllow- what a great bike ride- so glad you took the bull by the horns and got out into your lovely countryside. It must have felt so liberating.
As for the return journey- it was meant to be . What marvellous stuff all with your name on it. So lovely to hear you living life- have a great dayx
HVDY- yes hopefully things will move for my niece now🤞
Yes your family is much like mine - at the moment we are the only ones without a pet - or three!!
Fair sounded good- we have one on our village green every year.
Oh your rain has arrived - we have a hose pipe ban so will be pleased when ours starts.
I hate ironing and do less and less - to think I used to iron pants years ago😩
EllieAnne- those boasty people are so boring aren’t they. All they do is big it up to impress - but actually who gives a fig.
Just try not to let it bug you. You have a lovely,hardworking family and beautiful GC - be proud.
You’re right you are super sensitive at the moment so do think about seeing someone at your surgery. You are not selfish.
Anxiety makes us turn in on ourselves and it can come across as selfish but we here all know better. It can be all consuming and colour every aspect of our lives.
SweetPeaSue- like your Son I never know when it’s good to What’s App so leave it up to him. Yesterday he was by the River with the dogs as he had some time off.
So pleased your BiL is out of ICU - he’s on the way to recovery now although I expect it will take a while.
Hope your DH scan and Cardiologist Appt happen soon. It was nice that he sat outside with you yesterday - I prefer to sit in the shade too.
Doodle- Hope you are enjoying this beautiful day. I went out for a wal’as DH is at the Gym. I met a man whose big dog ran up to me and bared all his teeth. It scared me for a moment but the man said that he was smiling!!! And he was - he was a big softie. Bit unnerving though.
Think we’re going to get some rain this week aren’t we - the leaves are coming off already and sound crunchy underfoot.
Nadateturbe- wishing you a more comfortable day .

Love to all mentioned and those friends who have been missing a while. Have the best day possible

Wyllow Ahh, reading your post this morning I get it. Hope you slept well.
HVDY It's raining here too. The nights are pulling in aren't they and the sun is lower. Summer has gone so fast. We should have got the living room painted and new carpet but it's such a major thing it's just been left. I have a bit of ironing ,not much.

Not sure what we'll be doing today. Woke up very aching and stiff. It will improve when I get myself moving.
Hope everyone has ( in HVDYs words) a decent day.

WEyllow3 Great bike ride you had (2 1/2 hours, that's a lot), and then to get some house clearance things for free! The mirror sounds ideal for your needs.

EllieAnne You're not self-centred. Some people are impressed with a lot of wealth, but money isn't everything. I hope you aren't as anxious as you were.

Doode I usually go to bed between 10.30 and 11.30 - Jaffa sits waiting for me to go as he goes with me [ grin]. Hope you had company yesterday. The weather's changed, it's raining here this morning.

SweetpeaSue Better news about your BIL. Glad he's out of danger now, and I hope he'll soon be going home. Time spent sitting in the garden is nice. We won't be able to do that for much longer.

It's raining here, so I'm going to do some ironing (I keep leaving it), and supervise DH painting a couple of walls. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Sorry Wyllow Didn't mean you had to respond so quickly.
I honestly believe I've no more an emotional response to DHs conditions or illnesses than anyone else who hasn't been in MH care. In other words , I'm responding to what's happened as totally rational.
Don't worry Wyllow . I too am very tired and just need to sleep. Hope you sleep well too. God bless.xxx

I'll try my best, sorry I'm tired and it was definitely muddled beyond understanding.

I said, "I think a good GP takes emotional factors into account (call them MH if formal, but it's really you have strong emotional responses to physical illnesses, different from that "label" all together.

"I think a good GP takes the emotional consequences of physical illness into account. No need to "label" them "Mental Health", even if the emotions require MH treatments (CBT, Drugs).

And in addition, within the Mental Health "Scene" good Psychiatrists, Psychologists, and CPN's generally dont use the "diagnosis" words to the patient, preferring "your condition" "your emotional responses" when engaging with me/others.

Overall, it's a recognition that for many situations, you cant really separate the two, the physical illness, the emotional condition that results from it.

Sorry * Wyllow* but not sure I understand your first paragraph to me about emotional responses to physical illnesses. If you get time I'd appreciate some clarity. Xx

I dont think you are over sensitive or self centred, Ellie Anne

There are times when it is utterly necessary to focus on your own issues in order to try and "grow", as your thoughtful observation and comments on the meet up were. The "lesson" may be to give that group a break, or it could be to pluck up courage when its right to arrange too see the nicer one.

Sweetpeasue thank goodness for that update on BiL. I think a good GP takes emotional factors into account (call them MH if formal, but it's really you have strong emotional responses to physical illnesses, different from that "label" all together.

(It might interest you that the up to date workers in Mh dont talks about "your bi polar" or "you depression" unless its appropriate. they will say, "your condition" or "how you find yourself emotionally" "do you feel your emotional reaction is a helpful one or not")
That sort of thing. Might be worth recalling with who you think is a good GP - they might not be thinking the way you fear.

You certainly did the right thing today - taking advantage of this sweet weather, to relax a bit - it might not last. As for not moving, I've been having a chuckle with "Just a minute" but not sure I can actually get out of the chair when needed.

(I never could do my Wyllow pottering with R4 whilst doing household or creative things - he didnt mostly like R 4, and goodness me, got in the way of some thing he wanted to watch

but to be fair, I was my own worst enemy, I let it happen as he always used to say, "is there anything you want to watch" and meant it early on between us.. I tried to guess what he wanted.....but as things got more difficult I didn't want the conflict it would have brought..

It was a remarkable afternoon, Doodle - I mean, what are the odds of acquiring all that stuff by sheer co-incidence, as the route was not planned!

I think because I have been so active today Doodle, its sort of helped the injuries, becuase I have been able to be aware of sort of "dont do this or that move with that foot etc etc" Its not nerve damage.

always thinking of you Nadateturbe maybe feeling left behind by all this "doing"..sending you strength for "being" xx
the picture is for you x

Crossed posts.
EllieAnne You don't sound self-centred at all. There's always someone who goes over the top when bragging about offsprings achievements. It can be very boring and I expect the other lady felt the same as yourself.
I'm glad you've not been as anxious today. I wonder if you could see the nurse you're familiar with if you're not well acquainted with a GP.
Doodle Thankyou so much for the hug - it means a lot to know you care.
I don't understand the Dr's at our surgery either. Perhaps they know that the first GP messed up so much by insisting on Spirometry tests and ignoring the seriousness of his chest pain. I've always had the feeling he was somehow humouring me or being patronising because he knew I googled things so didn't understand that I wasn't exaggerating DHs symptoms. I always let my DH speak for himself anyway so there were two of us that spoke. I've even thought because I was under MH services for a while he thought I wasn't being objective about DH.
Thanks Doodle , I hope it won't be long before we hear something about the CT scan from Vascular and the appt for Cardiologist. Take care of yourself too.

Sweetpeasue just caught up with the update on your BIL. That is good news.

HVDY glad you enjoyed the fair. I haven’t been to one for ages. Nice you met up with people you know. My goodness you get up early. What time do you go to bed?
Scaredycat I do hope something is happening soon for your niece. I can’t believe she’s waited so long.
Nice you had a coffee out today and a chat with your son.
The cats must be well used to you now.
Ellie Anne I never think of you as being self centred, you’re not happy and it’s hard to make the most of things if you feel you have nothing to look forward to. Sorry your friend upset you. Some people are like that. They just like to brag about their family. It’s not all about money. Difficult conversation for your other friend too.
Wyllow what an interesting afternoon. You don’t often go out on a bike ride and come home with half of someone else’s house 🤣. Hope your foot feels better soon

Can't believe it ! Just lost my posts- twice.
I type on my phone so if I tap something accidentally ( in the second case , an emoji but hit 'prev page)
It's going to have to be short.
HVDY Lovely day there at a Summer Fayre. Nice to bump into people you know. Been very warm here but can't complain now we're at the end of Summer.
Scaredycat So grateful for technology now to keep contact with our loved ones.
In my case I never know when my sons are free but I can text my youngest son when he's away working and he'll reply when he's got time. So glad your neice is going to be finally treated- she must have been very uncomfortable for so long now.
Wyllow Thought I'd read it wrong when you said you'd been cycling for 2 and half hrs! Don't think I'd ever walk straight again after that. I had 2 sessions on my exercise bike last week and I couldn't do more than 10 mins. You must be very fit.Hope you'll be OK tomorrow! What great finds on the return journey with different route. One question-- juggling balls? Is that another skill? 😂 Hope your foot is OK after that accident yesterday.
* Doodle* Hope you've been OK today and seen friends. My BIL has come out of IC and is now on Respiratory ward , I'm so pleased. He's still got some way to go- he's been very ill, but I think he's passed that danger zone.
EllieAnne How are you ? Did you decide whether or not to go to friends Golden wedding anniversary? Hope you've felt less anxiety today.
Nadateturbe Been thinking about you and hoping you're not too low.

Had a quiet day today. Been in garden this afternoon reading the book for next term- it's set in Lake District by Hugh Walpole. DH prefers the cool but he sat in the shade for a while.
So relieved to have better news about BIL.

Wishing all a peaceful night and love to all ,including those who read but haven't come in. Xx

nadateturbe we all understand . ME is so debilitating. Just nice to hear from you when you can manage it.
Sweetpeasue sorry the news of your BiL is not better. Hope he improves soon. I wish the doctors would understand the strain they’ve put you through by not taking better care of your husband. Sending you a hug and hope something positive happens soon

I don’t have a relationship with any of our gps. I’ve seen most of them occasionally if I’ve had a uti or other problem but more often have seen a nurse or health care assistant.
So none of them know me at all.
Not quite so shaky today. Was out for lunch with 3 friends and one really annoyed me. She goes on and on about her two sons who are very well off ( never mentions her dd who is on benefits.) she once implied that my sons are not well off because they don’t work hard. They work very hard but are not in high paid jobs and have families.
I’d rather have my three gc than all the money in the world but I get irritated. One of the other ladies has two grown up children on benefits because of health issues. So I thought it was all a bit tactless.
Sorry to rant.
I’ll be trying to get out of the next lunch.
Friend3 picked up I was struggling and started to make a move.
I think I’m super sensitive just now with all that’s been going on and anxiety.
Great news about niece getting op at last.
I do think about you all even though I sound self centred at the moment.

What a great day there, HVDY

Just the right temperature as well for a wander and natters.

No one could have predicted how my easy going afternoon unfolded, not even in my crazier moments...I decided before I settled in for a bit of music or TV, I really had to break the fear boundary and at last have a wee bike bimble.

I thought I'd peep into the woods once I got on.

2.5 hours later......after a short scary down slope with pebbles it settled and the dappled shade and light wind made it a perfect riding day, and I slowly mastered the gears .
At the beginning, I was terrified on the stony downslope and then slowly I started enjoying it as I got used to the bike, and it was simply lovely… Its a 13th century Abbey with a vv posh gold course that reaches down to near me …. It’s like being somewhere like Chatsworth because of the quality of landscaping and the view of the High Peak in the distance.

BUT

I came back via the pavement of the road bit, A little way up the road there was a house having a clear out for free. Long story short….

I have got a 1930s long mirror on top of a storage box which the bloke carried up the stairs for me: (needs a little work)

A bright red IKEA four squares shelving, to put in a pace where a similar unit is falling to pieces...

A beautiful butterfly shaped mirror, (perfect condition)

....some embroidery silks, juggling balls, little boxes that acts as a decorative frame for the wall or an artwork…

The mirror furniture is excellent as I have no other long mirror in the house, and the big drawer underneath will be a linen storage chest.

It’s now 6pm as when I got home I had to bring stuff in and so on.
I haven’t damaged any bit of me although we’ll see because I will be very stiff later. Probably unable to move.

ScaredyCat Your niece is going to have her operation, then. At long last! I hope it won't be too long before it's done and she can have a better quality of life. It's lovely that (like me), your family are all in touch and all love animals. We're the same.

Wyllow3 It was very good, well organised, and just right for a few hours. Brass band, Punch& Judy, horticultural show, various craft stalls, tombolas, acrobatic/gymnastic team, home-made cake stalls, etc. We bumped into one if the volunteers from the day centre, and his wife, and one of our neighbours. I'm glad you've had a relaxed "pottering" day. The weather's gorgeous for sitting in the garden with lunch or a drink.

Back later x

popping in not topping in. Makes me sound like a guillotine operator.

I was up at 9.15am, HVDY as last night I didn't go to bed until 3 ish. I was sort of pottering and tidying and playing bits of music in between icing and massaging my foot so when I got up and found a lovely sunny day - but not too hot, with the wonderful, it was delightful.

I'm feeling a mixture of down sometimes Want someone to share all this - it's deep and profound

And up ^what a lovely day, I wouldn't want anyone interfering in my "nice garden and washing smalls and cooking pottering and wanting a different kinds of music" activities. As well as watering all the side of the garden in the shade thank goodness, deep to the roots.

I'm munching a thrown together salad lunch as I write - its 2.15 now. - with a Mini pork pie. I'm trying to be veggie, but somehow a bit of bacon or pork pie just get in the way.

So with all this gentle pottering I am being leg and foot aware and so far so good - thanks for comments, it was a huge shock at the time - as of course it needs to be "kept moving" for the blood to flow there and heal.

Oh, I'd be interested to hear what ti was like if you went to the fair, HVDY - sounds fun mostly (as in who you bump into 🫢)

Isn't face time/Zooms a blessing, Scaredycat Seeing the family not just the voice makes all the difference, doesnt it.
DS just walks around with the phone when I ring and I natter to whoever wants to join in.
But if I want a 1 2 1 then it's on WhatsApp on the lap top
It must have given your day a real lift

thank goodness you niece is getting treatment at long last
all thoughts towards it going well and what a difference afterwards. Mouth zipped on, "why didn't you push for it sooner", people are what they are.

Hoping others have had a healing day, but topping in to hear everyones day later x

Hi all
Doodle- another lovely day weatherwise isn’t it. We,ve been for a walk and coffee now having a bit of a rest.
Cats were very pleased to see us - mainly because they know it’s food time!! But they do feel comfortable with us now and we get some nice head bumps.
EllieAnne- jelly legs is such a symptom of anxiety. The worry over the Anniversary has really affected you.
Doodle could be right about your DH - social contact might be something he finds hard too. A chat with a kind GP would help you I,m sure.
SweetPeaSue- I,m sorry your BiL is so poorly- he is in good hands though- but of course it makes you fearful for you own DH. Texts like you received do nothing to help- so thoughtless and insensitive. Thank you for your prayers - you re a lovely friend.
HVDY- had a long chat yesterday with my Sis. My niece had a pre op on Friday so hopefully things are moving at last. It’s getting on for 2 years since it all started.
Sounds like you all had fun at your Sons- LG must love it all being together.
You were up early today. A Summer fair sounds just the job. There should be some home made cakes for sale too.
Nadateturbe- You are so much a part of this group. You have much to deal with yet are always kind and empathetic to us all.
You do what you can when you can and are a courageous example to everyone dealing with life’s difficulties.
Wyllow- Glad you had such a good day. Your Gym sounds a great place to spend time- exercising both mind and body. Also paninis - perfect.
Ow - I bet that really hurt. Laptops are quite heavy aren’t they and corners pointy. I think the air would have turned blue if I,d done that😩 You are really good at knowing just what to do physically to help yourself. The pharmacist recommended Deep Freeze jel for my back. It’s really good so don’t know if that would help.
Hope it’s better today- food shopping day?

Just had a Face Time with my Son before I had time to post this!! So good to see him and catch up. Said hello to the dogs too!! Our family has so many animals as well as people!!

Love to all. Hope all those missing are having the best day possible and thinking of you allxxx

Wyllow3 You ended up having a good day, then, apart from hurting your foot. These mishaps can happen so easily, can't they? I hope your foot feels better today.

nadateturbe Hope you have some better days soon.

Up at 6.30 (DH gets up at 9.30-10 as he goes to bed much later than I do). Done the washing, got it on the line. Cleaned the kitchen. Faffed about. Might go to a village summer fair thing later. Hope everyone manages to stay cool x