BLACK DOG 26

Wyllow3 Some things in life are never resolved, and perhaps the way you feel about needing some type of closure with your ex is like that - only you will know (and you'll do what you think best), but we all care and don't want you to slip back into the very low depression you were in.

EllieAnne Yes, that's anxiety. I get it in every single social interaction - even with my own family - where I worry and overthink everything weeks or months in advance - what shall I wear/what shall I talk about/what if I say the wrong thing, and bizarrely, what if I have a stomach upset and mess/wet myself. I was told I'd got social anxiety, by a Psychiatric Nurse, many years ago. They recommended CBT and breathing exercises. I usually somehow manage to give the impression of being confident (someone remarked that I'm self-assured, which is the opposite of me). You would be on edge if you went, so I think you've done the right think by cancelling.

DH painted the ceiling of 2nd bedroom, so I might look for paint and wallpaper today. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202508/medium-2hwtl4-img-0366.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202508/medium-cp3sig-img-0706.jpeg

I dont think you are being unkind at all, it comes across so much that you care.

I could get all psychological about it - that people like and choose relationships with a degree of conflict, separateness, over one that has less or very little. Obviously mine was too far in the conflict direction.

But be reassured by this Doodle - my CPN, my Psychologist, the Psychiatrist, my wise sister, the wiser experienced carer, the crisis man yesterday, the one today, even the Manager today - all are comfortable with how I am now pursuing matters.

It would damage me emotionally far, far more ......to push both loss and the happy memories aside. Those, surely, are worth the keeping?

Yes, Ellie Anne, its anxiety, including the feelings of the fluttering sensation in your heart and the muscles around it and probably other parts of your body are akin to a mini panic attack.
Possibly it's because you need people, as we all do so very much, but you worry about whether they will like you, or push you away and be horrible. You probably find it hard to believe they may like you and enjoy your company.

However you are quite right to set limits on how much you challenge yourself, given how you've experienced a "lesser" social situation. Baby steps.

Yes, for many years I survived by putting on a fine old act. Ms confident. it's a useful persona to use some of the time, but not to get lost in it and "use" the acting always

I did a picture of a dream I had of falling off a stage for me, it was a form of self harm, not letting the vulnerable me be seen. the other picture is tonights little memorial I built for Ex's Mum, and I am working on a similar one for Ex.

Good night BD's, may your sleep be healing and take care.

Wyllow I’m sorry you are feeling depressed again.
I don’t know what to say about the situation with ex.
You ve given him the letter but it hasn’t brought you peace.
I’ve been very anxious today. At least I think it’s anxiety. I was meeting with the other helpers at my Tuesday club for breakfast before we start in a week or two. I started worrying about going in on my own, who I’d sit with, what to order etc.
it worked out ok but all day ive had a fluttering sensation in my chest . Checked heart rate and it seems ok.
But I’m thinking that if I get so stressed about going to a familiar place with people I mostly know well how on earth will I cope with this golden wedding thing. I don’t know who’s going or if it’s somewhere I know and add in the upset thinking about my own anniversary. Well I think I’ve decided to politely decline the invitation. I’d be in a state before I got there and would be putting on an act the whole time.

Wyllow of course we don’t give up on those we love but your Ex is your Ex for a reason. What is it you hope to achieve by contacting him? Is it necessary to have final estrangement. I would think that would mean getting to a point where one of you doesn’t want any contact with the other. Do you need to do this? Can you not just wish him well and let him be?
I think in trying to care for him you will damage yourself. You have come so far. Please don’t think I’m being unkind. I do understand I think you may still love him but what you want is the relationship you had when things were great between you not the relationship where it all went wrong. Please look after yourself.

Today was worse in some ways, more complex, but the headline is that M, Ex's mother, is dead, not in a home. Got a call back from the head Registrar herself.

Echoes the fundamental start of it all: Dad died, I was at college, got home, Nan guarding Mums door, she was in bed, Nan said we aren't going to the funeral, no chats with mum, went back to uni, unable to grieve: no contact from anyone in Ex's family. Re brought up yesterday's feelings with that added trigger. I did get, long story short, another hour from a different crisis worker: it was worse than yesterday, I want ed to go to a refuge a place where I would be able to eat (I couldnt) and be looked after,

but respite has totally gone from the MH system. but we worked through some stuff, later I had another conversation with the manager of Ex's flats, this helped too but also raised Ex all again:

(I did take the pharmacist on from the GP and gave him a polite boll*****king -it turns out
their actual policy is to ignore Psychiatrist's letters
( if the patient says they have a few extra tablets at home as "its their responsibility", its going to be raised at the next practice meeting) - I "Get it" but its totally out of order to ignore a senior Psychiatrists directions.

I couldnt get a carer for today to come, and I dont know Quakers well enough to ask them to come whenI am like this, and when the Crisis worker suggested a friend, hollow laugh, as becuase Ex blocked my having friendships except one elderly Quaker (how I liked those) and obvs when depressed not engaging as I didnt even goto the gym for the first time ever for 2 years....my family on holiday for a week of I cant go up there

and I would, I would have got in the car and just gone

Anyway, after the crisis worker and the talk with the same lady from Ex's block of flats, and a completely accidental visit from neighbour to ask for access tomorrow briefly = nice chat I could eat and took allowed extra dose of diazepam to conk out.

After which I looked at pix of the family with DiL via WhatsApp but wont tell them anything till they are back.

Time to eat again, it took so long to dictate my diary, which gives me a sense of order in chaos.

You are right, HVDY: too much has been going on altogether: tomorrow I plan to go to the gym in the morning for a long shower/pamper and some yoga, and I am seeing carer 2 for an hour in the afternoon for human contact then its Quakers on Sunday.

You are amazing with your brother, btw, you dont lecture him or suggest this or that, but you "walk with him" - accompany him - very spot on and believe me, the most helpful thing you can do. That is just "being" with him.
It's a shame he can/t do what single older men sometimes do, have "a spot" in a pub, be "a regular".
and then... you treat yourself!

I so hope your back has held up enough, Scardeycat, to "putt" successfully and a buggy was to hand and the sun shone on you and teas and cake were afterwards.

Sweetpeasue that is indeed so very upsetting about your middle sis is so very ill. Thank goodness the girls are with her to comfort and make sure treatment is as effective as it can be. Now and overnight sh'll be pumped with anti-b's and her lung supported, or something similar, I hope. Well done for going to the beach with Fluffball. I'd like one to borrow!

Doodle even after the chat with the crisis worker and talking to the Flats special needs manager - both of them understand the dilemma.

Let me put it this way. Would any BD here, be able to totally just give up on a person you have loved, whatever the hurt? Do we all not believe in an underlying compassionate love that can win over fear, however hard the route?

Only when a final estrangement is reached, only the point when it is doing more damage than otherwise, do people stop.

And my workers, all of them, have not suggested this. I posted a final letter to Ex yesterday, it was not wordy like the last one, it included a picture that would have meaning to him "stairway to heaven" (as in led Zeppelin and the abstract image I posted here a few days ago) and said

"“Hi X

When all the thoughts and analysis are done, I just want to know - do you wish to see me again or not?

Bests
X

I was so glad to hear you had had a better day. Walking and fresh air is so important, even if we aren't blessed with sun tho that is best, and that you continue the art group. what kind of things are you doing in the art group now?

Time to get some food in me.

Doodle The headache went away after a good night's sleep, thanks. You had a busy day. What have you been painting?

SweetpeaSue So sorry, I misread it somehow. I hope your BIL soon feels much better. Aww, Fluffball is lucky to be able to go to the beach.

Wyllow3, EllieAnne and others - how have you been? x

Thanks Doodle BIL has pneumonia too. He's such a kind , gentle man - I really hope he's going to be OK.
Sounds like the painting class is going well. Good day for walking , I think as weather is much cooler. I keep meaning to keep up with exercise bike - started again a couple of days ago but not been on it since. Took Fluffball to the beach today - she loves it. Sleep well.

HVDY Oh I'm so pleased that the hospital visit went so well. Glad that your SIL recognised you and you could have a chat. Must have meant a lot to your brother too, to see her like that. Sounds like your brother appreciated your company too. 😊
Sorry no, it's my sisters DH who is in IC.

Evening all.
Wyllow I’m so sorry you had such an awful day. Glad you managed to get some support . You definitely need to get your drugs sorted. Why did you need to get in touch with the lady from your Ex’s flat? Was it to check she’d given him the letter?
I can’t help feeling Scaredycat is right and it’s a wound you should leave alone.
I hope you sleep well tonight and feel brighter in the morning.
Sweetpeasue so sorry to hear about your BiL. Hopefully they will get him on the right antibiotics and inflate his lung. Another thing for you to worry about. Glad your sister has support.
HVDY thank you I’ve had a better day today. Went out with walking group this morning then spent the afternoon practicing my painting.
I’m pleased at least your brother was grateful you went with him to see his wife. Nice she recognised you and enjoyed the pictures. I hope you’re feeling better now and the headache has gone.
Scaredycat good advice as usual . Hope you enjoy the golf. Having a buggy is a good idea it’s a lot of walking otherwise.
I’ve heard other describe it as a black cloud too. Hope all goes well.

ScaredyCat I feel sorry that my brother is so alone and lonely, but he flatly refuses to even think of joining something (it must be very daunting to go somewhere on your own, particularly for men). He said he was really happy that I'd said I'd go with him, and thanked me. His wife recognised me, and we chatted briefly - I showed her photos of Jaffa and the GrandCats and GrandDog (she loves animals). Your golf session sounds interesting. Good idea to have a buggy. It's been the perfect weather for it today.

SweetPeaSue Oh, that's a worry for all of you. She's in the right place, and hopefully, will be much better soon. I expect you'll be kept up-to-date with her treatment and progress.

The visit to my SIL went well, then I bought a few nice M&S food items for tea - beef lasagne, garlic bread, coffee swiss roll, and some ice cream. Love to all x

HVDY Sorry about your bad night yesterday and I hope today has seen you much better. I hope your SIL is able to be coherent and able to talk to you both a little.
Scaredycat Such a lovely post to Wyllow. You have such a nice way with words. Hope you are coping with the sad news from friends. Take care of yourself too.

Just had such upsetting news from youngest sis that middle sis DH is in intensive care after sudden and rapid chest infection and now collapsed lung. My throat feels like a huge lump in it. DH not having any good days. I'm so worried about my sis - She has her girls with her though so that will make a huge difference.

Hi all
HVDY- lovely meal at the day centre- right up my street too.
Sorry you didn’t feel so good last night . Hope today you’re back to your old self.
You are so kind how you persevere with your Brother. But you are fond of your SiL aren’t you and I expect remember when you were all younger and times were better. I hope she enjoys your visit in her own way- so difficult to imagine what goes on in their heads isnt it.
Doodle- before Covid I used to have my nails done regularly but after lockdown didn’t start again. It does give you a boost. Now I,m just a Clipper girl like you.
Everyone has said how good the eye Op is - it’s just me being a scaredy!
Those sad days are like having a big black cloud come over you. Do hope you don’t feel so low today.
Later this afternoon we are going with DD and SiL to play in a Golf competition. It’s for a golfer and a non golfer in pairs. So she and I have to do all the putting😀I agreed as long as I can have a buggy - my back is still dodgy. Will report back.
SweetPeaSue- Oh I can’t remember you having a tongue injection- no wonder you were nervous it sounds awful.
That secretary was a kind thoughtful person and must have sensed how worried your DH was. Do hope he doesn’t have to wait too long.
Hope you’re both able to get out together this weekend and do do something to take your mind off things. Take care.
Wyllow- what a tough day you had yesterday. You have had to deal with so many emotions these last weeks and must be pretty exhausted. Good things can still make you tired. I,m glad you were able to speak to J who understands you well it seems. You didn’t need all the hassle over the meds either.
The feelings you go through re your EX seem to me like a sore that is taking ages to heal and if you pick at it it will bleed again.
Please allow yourself to believe that good things come to good people and you are a good person who deserves happiness too .
One thing at a time Wyllow instead of do it all in 5 minutes Wyllow !!!! Chill and listen to those lovely words . We,re all reaching out our hands and you will find a safe place to land.

Love to all mentioned and all BDs old and new.

Doodle I hope you have a better day today.
SweetpeaSue Nice of the secretary to ring you back like that. Hope your husband will be seen soon. I don't think it's possible to get rid of those brown age spot things.
Wyllow3 What a rough day you had. Hope the prescription situation has now been resolved. Good job you have the MH people to ring when you're having a bad day. You've been very active, very high in your mood, for a couple of weeks, and perhaps you need to take things easier for a while now.

I went to bed at 9.30 last night - bad headache and feeling odd - will go to see my brother this afternoon and accompany him to see his wife. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Oh Wyllow I'm so sorry for your dreadful day. It seems like so much turmoil all at once for you. So glad you got J eventually and managed a good talk with him. All you needed was extra hassle with the pharmacist. My DH has had so many problems trying to get the correct changes in his many drugs too, in particular the steroids. I don't know why its so complicated.
Glad you got through to lady managing the flats your ex is in. No wonder you needed that sleep.
Hope you've managed to sleep tonight and that tomorrow that low mood isn't as bad.
Take care of yourself. Xx

Today when I woke I felt depressed, its bee happening for a couple of weeks or so but have come out of it quickly. This morning I didn't. It felt like I had gone back to the depressive space I was in before. I knew what to to, I waited until 9am and rung MH on the dot and said it was really serious.

I knew my psychologist was in today but couldn't get much time with her maybe 15 mins phone so asked if J, a crisis worker I'd talked to before was in today and he was so they refereed me to him. when he hadn't rung back in 50 mins I rung them again and the superb warm admin worker said she's go downstairs and find him.

meanwhile a crisis headed my way from the GP. I had the pharmacy assistant ask me "how many of X drugs have you got left".
So what I said, the psychiatrist wrote to you (I made her find the letter) saying all X drugs to be as per normal until further notice.

No no said the assistant I need to know how many X tablets you have. I say, I'm actually in crisis waiting for a MH call right now just get on with it - you have the letter. No she repeats really rudely no thought to how it might make me feel "I have to ask how many"...I'm just going spare because I know I haven't many and the weekend coming up..

Then the crisis call cuts in and I get nearly 2 hours with him. although we can both talk for Britain I imagine I was very lucky that day he didnt have to cut it short, its potluck.

Its a follow up from the Ex thing really - the fact hat I feel I cannot bear to "lose" with no resolution 11 years not just with him but a whole family - although a lot of other stuff around - not just loss,

but an almost psychotic fear of loss like its literally catastrophic not terribly, terribly agonising - and I have a constant underlying fear of abandonment as well which reasserts itself far too easily.

And of course the emotion and exhausting of everything that has happened over the last week good -and -difficult having an overwhelming impact, for it you love, you lose, and if things go well -in my mixed up mind, if they go very well, they are sure to collapse. I will be punished for getting good things.

So the conversation varied from Ex and his mum, to my family relations, to bits of my past and present, my wanting another relationship and how I am going about it in many aspects and he was one of those who share usefully back from their experience.

It helped a lot but when I put the phone down I knew I had to deal with the drug x thing. I rung the doctors. 9 in the queue. got to number 1 and the phone cut out from their system. ring back the admin lady at MH and she realised she has to do it for me. it turned out half an hour before they had authorised a prescription but I dont know on what grounds.

Tomorrow I am going to lodge a complaint as well as finding out that drug x is properly reinstated not a one off for the rest of this month. (which is I think what has happened)

After these two bits of help I had stuff to d I couldnt put off much, one was to follow up on the lady who I met at Ex flat (just getting to her for her number took 20 mins with the housings dept), follow up phone calls, but felt much lighter in heart and mind. Crashed out at 6 and woke at 9pm feeling very small and vulnerable and exhausted, which is how things are now.

and how it needs to stay not having to be big gigantic Wyllow handling resin men and coping with total home invasion and listening to some music now

like Sara Bareilles "A safe place to land"

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht2NCrlghS4&list=RDHt2NCrlghS4&start_radio=1

Dear Doodle I think you must be more than ' sad a lot of the time' . I care about you and care about all on BD. I've never had more support and kind words than those from here . Thankyou , and I do feel for you. xx

Sweetpeasue people can be very kind can’t they. How thoughtful of the secretary. I hope your Dh gets an appointment soon.
Please don’t worry about me you’ve got enough troubles.
I’m sad a lot of the time but I’m ok.

Doodle Oh I'm so sorry for your sad day . I know there's not a lot I can say to make it better. I've already crossed out sentences that seem glibb so I'll just send you a big hug instead and wish a better day for you tomorrow. X
*HVDY I should take more care of my hands though I've been given handcreams I haven't made it a habit of using. Do you know how to get rid of existing brown age blotches? I should have used sunscreen. Your day centre meal was right up my street.
Scaredycat Now you mention it your DGDs cat does look like she's wearing eye- liner. I don't envy the eye thing but it's assuring that Doodle's experience was not painful. It's the thought isn't it. I remember how afraid I was to have an injection in my tongue to have that ulcer thing ut out but I didn't feel that much at all. I'm the same though about eyes. It means a great deal to be acknowledged, you're right and understand.
Wyllow Hope today has been good for you. Yes, just a little chat with an unknown person can make such a difference - even an unexpected kind comment. Words have such impact , for good or bad. I think it's when we feel helpless and insecure that we need the kindness of others and those others also need them.

DH been very low today. He rang private Vascular secretary of person we saw in Harrogate. She was so nice though couldn't say when his can appt would be as DH is now on NHS list for York hospital . DH immediately realised that it's still NHS and his op is probably not going to be any quicker in York. She then called back ( she wasn't at work but walking her dog) and had been in touch with York Hospitals radiologist and could be 4/5 weeks , though she'd told radiologist it was ' urgent' for DH. That was so nice.

Hope all have had a decent day. Love to all.

Sweetpeasue you’re not weak. You’ve put up a mighty battle for your Dh and are continuing to do so. Sometimes it helps to offload it all so I’m glad you had someone to talk to.
HVDY your lunch sounds really nice. You’re quite right, it’s good to talk to people, everyone needs companionship.
Scaredycat Dh was worried about having his eyes done too but he said it was totally painless and went well.
Church does mean so much to me. I’m having a bit of a low day today. Just feeling sad,
Just a few words with someone can make the day better. It’s good to talk to people.
Wyllow did you go to aqua. Hope you had a good workout. I’ve never been but I certainly should do something.

Scaredycatwhat a lovely little cat. I like her friend too.
Sweetpeasue it does help to talk about things with people.
HVDY your nails look really nice. They may be shorter but they look lovely. I don’t take care of my hands I just chop my nails with nail clippers and hardly ever remember to put hand cream on.

ScaredyCat Jaffa has had freshly-cooked chicken this evening. Aww, little Bonnie is so pretty. It's good to have a chat with strangers. Some people don't see anyone all day (my brother, although that's his own fault), and a quick chat can brighten a person's day a bit.

Wyllow3 Did you go to aqua?

It was a lovely lunch at the day centre - home-made mushroom quiche (she made the pastry), with roasted new potatoes and salad. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing to follow. It's really cold here now, but DH says I'm ridiculous to want the heating on . Hope everyone has been ok x

Hi all
HVDY- loved the tale of your London adventures. My cousin and I were able to use our city like that . Including playing on a bomb site!!
Oooh Jaffa - I hope it was,tasty - cats will eat disgusting thing s and turn their noses up at premium cat food!! The little kitty is called Bonnie . She is 4 months old and GD and partner are besotted with her. She is very pretty and looks like she is wearing eyeliner.
Your nails look lovely- anything that makes you feel good is so beneficial and you do so much to make others feel good.
SweetPeaSue- the little cat belongs to my GD3 - she has just adopted her. She’s teeny but looks big on that photo.
I think you need to feel as HVDY said, that your feelings have been acknowledged. At least you were able to let it all out to your MH worker - what she can do is listen to you .You have lost faith at the moment .
Your Sons even though their lives are busy and they like all young people have many commitments need to be part of your support system as they love you both very much. Remember what Doodle said.
Doodle- reassuring to hear that your dearDH had his eyes done safely. It’s just that eyes are a bit yuk aren’t they . I,m having a new thing so I don’t have to do the drops regime afterwards. They inject the eyeball after the Op.😩That did scare me but I,ll still have it.
Every time you tell us about your Church I,m so glad you are part of that lovely warm community.
Wyllow- I,m happy to be having the OPs - but true to form a bit scared.
Lovely photo. It reminds me of my Sis she can see the hills from her upstairs windows.
Hope you,ve gone to Aqua it does sound a bit of you .
Those random chats add brightness to any days don’t they. This morning after walking I was out front of the house cutting down some flowers that were intent on world domination!! An old gentleman stopped and asked if I,d do his beard and off we went chatting away- such a dear man.

Have the best day you can everybody- missing those we haven’t seen for a while and wondering how life is treating you.
Love to all

SweetpeaSue A letter or email from you to the relevant people might at least help you to offload your feelings. You would get a reply, I'd think.

Wyllow3 Thanks. There are so many colours of nail polish to choose from at those nail bars - until about 6 years ago, I'd bitten my nails, very badly (used to end up with painful whitlows), and had never been in a nail place until about 3 years ago. I find it so relaxing to sit and have them done. Like you, I love to chat to strangers.

Day centre place today. It's quite cool, so I'm not sure what to wear (I always get my clothes out the night before, but might have to alter that). Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

I make a lot of effort - mostly very enjoyable - to chat to people in all kinds of situations, as I need "Feed back". It might be just a friendly till man, like at Sainsbugs today, who wasn't busy and wanted a natter too to pass the day. I find it helps me a lot. thats worth a try too, *Sweetpeasue, and also has the value of distraction a bit. x

HVDY Yes, I understand that already really. Complaints are not investigated in a true way. So no point in my trying to get better treatment for DH. I did feel acknowledged in going to MH worker and relating the process of events. But no way that anyone can help me . I'm just feeling very weak.
Wyllow Yes , to feel properly listened to counts for a lot.