BLACK DOG 26

Wyllow3 Thanks for your concern, but I find being on here and sharing is enough for me. I never talk about my feelings to anyone face-to-face, and I haven't got any reason to sometimes feel so low. My family all love me, I know that, and I'm lucky to have them all. I've got what feels like a UTI, so I'm going to try to get a prescription today.

Back later

For HVDY, who asked about the charity haul

Brand new cheerful red Regatta waterproof big enough to have a jumper on underneath £12

Brand new Seasalt long blouse £10

A grey fleece with deep pink edging, posh make, £4

A very pretty winter skirt, pull on, comfy posh make £4

lots and lots of next to nothing price felts, cardboard, ready cards (put your own design on) "making things: stuff.

It was fun.

I'm so tired/been overdoing it so much I have given myself permission to take the day off - if I don't, I know there will be some kind of "crash" outcome - I'm going to try and read a new book I've got.

How are you, other BD's?

You are making the right choices about who to tell what, Doodle. As long as you have people who do understand and you can talk to them, which you do, no need to share it with your children unless they ask or there is a particular need to share some of it. It's the desire to protect especially one's children. You have done so well, its a lesson - the hospice, the widows you met, counselling at the start, a life in the church..

(My DS knows I was suicidal, but he actually pushed and asked me, otherwise I wouldn't, but then, he understands the bi-polar stuff..)

However at the time of feeling "no point" it feels like you are stuck in it forever, it's the way of these things.

I do have concerns for you HVDY and Ellie Anne about you having people in your lives to share with. I know I cut people out and that no good came of it,

But I did share in here.

Ellie Anne, if your DH wants to go to the funeral, you don't have to, its up to him?

I'm. hoping the "pipework" tests are informative, Sweetpeasue. When you last spoke to the psychologist, how were things left? Is the door open for you to get some more personal support? It cant change DH's condition, but it could help bear the waiting.

(no way could I have got weller without the support I got, and some paid for too).

Doodle I've taken my ADs every night for the past 7 years. This will be a passing low mood. I'm just a bit concerned about some symptoms which may or may not be related to this brain tumour. Your life can't be the same as it was when your husband was here. It's a different life and one that must be very difficult to accept/live. I'm pleased you've got friends who understand how you feel. GD1 lives with her dad (Son1) so she'll be fine, but the mother has always treated her differently (probably because she looks and is like her dad). She's a poor mother, always has been.

SweetpeaSue I'm so sorry your husband is still going through all that. When today's test results are back, might the SS problem be treated?

I was awake early so am going to be now. Love to all x

I believe my DHs extreme pain in left arm is due to the Subclavian Steal and , what the private Vascular Surgeon in Harrogate said he believes is fully occluded Carotid artery. Today's scan was the 'pipework ' to the heart and Cardiologist says we should get results in next 2 /4 dys, plus consultation with him.
My DH was very unwell tonight as his arm pain is getting so much worse. He can't raise his left arm without a lot of pain, which has been going on so long.

Sorry for not answering everyone's posts.
Im just so scared.
Doodle Of course you can never be the same person again without your dear husband. Im sure I'd feel the same. Much love to you.x I wish I knew what to say .

HVDY sorry you’re having such black thoughts. It’s good to make plans to do things. If your DH just wants to stay at home but you want to go out then find something that suits you.
It could well be the changing seasons that’s affecting you. As soon as the morning started getting darker I started a downward spiral. Having something to do during the week gives you something to look forward too.
Are you still on your antidepressants, if so perhaps you need a review. Feeling life is pointless is hard to overcome.
Depression is a terrible thing. I hope your spirits lift.
I don’t believe your DGDs mum. How can she take 2 children on holiday and not the other one. That’s plain cruel. Where is the poor girl going to go. How unkind.
Sweetpeasue I enjoyed Downton and especially the reclining seats. I’m not surprised at your frustration and annoyance at your DH’s care it is beyond belief. Hope the angio thing results helps in diagnosing the problem
Scaredycat hope you’re having a lovely holiday. I do envy you being by the sea.
Allsorts I hate those feelings. It’s hard to ignore them. Hope you’re doing ok.
Wyllow I hate driving. Always have. DH used to do it all. Only when he became unable to drive did I take over. I’m happy enough going to local places but hat motorways and junctions and being outside my known area.
Glad you enjoyed your Aikido group.
Putting on a front can relieve others from knowing how bad things are for you.i try to sound bright and cheerful when I speak to our sons no matter what the day has been. I do have some good friends who are also bereaved so understand and I can talk to them. I don’t pretend to be the life and soul of the party, I never was but I find it hard to say all is well in the world when it isn’t. I will never be the person I was again but hope our sons feel that I am coping well. Only God knows what’s really going on in my mind.
Ellie Anne sorry about your DH’s brother. Somerset from Scotland is an awfully long journey. If your DH does go to there could he go by train?

EllieAnne As your BIL lives so far away, he and your husband probably don't have a close relationship. Is that right? I can understand you not wanting to go, and your husband perhaps won't go. I agree with what you're saying. Have you always lived in Scotland?

Hvdy I didn’t go to the last one so no and I don’t think dh should go either. Staying over is difficult because I won’t share a room with him
It sounds harsh but if anything happened to him none of his family would come.
His brother has been ill for so long and usually gets a bit better but I don’t think he will this time.

Wyllow3 Thank you for your concern. I've been over-thinking things too much (most of it from reading the news, which I must stop doing). I don't have any cause to be depressed, but I'm a little bit worried about this Meningioma I've got (it was discovered when I had the stroke, 4 years ago), so I'll try to contact the hospital next week. I'm glad your hospital appointment went well. That must be a load off your mind - even if we say we aren't worried about a thing, sometimes, deep down, we are. What was your charity shop find?

SweetpeaSue Thanks. I'll be ok. I don't want to start changing any meds (side effects etc). I've been on Mirtazapine for about 7 years, full dose, so would need to be weaned off them before starting anything else, anyway. Hope your husband's appointment goes well. I expect it'll be a bit of wait until he's told the results.

EllieAnne I'm fine when I'm out or with someone. I'm very lucky to have regular texts, too. Sorry about your husband's brother. It's a very long way from where you live. You'd need to stop overnight somewhere, perhaps? Will you both definitely go to his funeral?

Saw my friend, had a good catch-up, a snack, then I picked up SGD from school, took her home. GD1 rang e to thank me for the soft toy cat and the cushion I got her (she was at her mum's last night so hadn't seen them). The mum is going to Tenerife next month, taking GD's 2 sisters on holiday, but not her . Back later x

Hvdy it does sound like your depression is getting worse. Does this usually happen when the seasons change?
I understand about meeting your friend. I do that too and am usually relieved when it is over no matter how much I like them. But my Dh is a lot like yours in many ways crossword tv solitaire on computer so I have to get out.
You have your family meet ups which helps.
We very rarely have that.
I’m ok . Bad day s and not so bad days.
Dh s brother very ill. I don’t think he has long. Then we will have all the angst about the funeral. Dh s driving is definitely not so good and no way would I drive to Somerset .

Allsorts The ' avoidance plan' is one way to be prepared( psychologists suggest this) . Nice to see you in and caring. Mulling over imperfections is something I do to and of course going over regrets but we're only human aren't we. Sometimes it's harder to forgive ourselves than others .
HVDY Hope you managed to shake off the apathy and go see your friend. I think it might help if you can get out of the house but easier said than done when we sink into the 'what's the point' thinking. I wonder if your body/ brain has somehow got used to your ADs and a different one might help. I know you're not averse to ADs. Just a thought .
Wyllow Glad you're OK though the thought of having to measure the spot regularly means more focus on it and hope you can do it without anxieties creeping in. Enjoy your music.

Just going out now to hospital for DHs angiography thing. They're injecting dye to make things clearer.
Hope everyone is ok.

I got a clean bill of health at the hospital, though they got the consultant in the peer at one spot (on my brest, of course, but I don't get embarrassed) - I'm to take 3 monthly camera shots of it with a ruler next to it) - I hadn't realised I was that worried, but celebrated by a nice charity find.

Home and pottered with this and that and about to have a good curl up in bed with music.

See you all later.

And back to you, Allsorts, for your struggles and thoughts.

Indeed, there are situations where we have to use that "front" HVDY.

It can, imo, be damaging to use it overmuch, as I have found - people assuming how capable I am, asking me to take on certain roles, not knowing how fragile inside.

I'm trying to let people know both, quite directly, unless I know it's a bad idea - it has reaped rewards mostly.

What you say does make sense. I think your depression has definitely deepened and you should not leave it ❤️. GP..counselling (best - to find out what the triggers is/are), drugs review xxxx

SweetpeaSue Thanks. I can put on a front. Hope you and your husband have a good a day as you can.
Wyllow3 I'm seeing a friend today, but don't want to go. It's odd because I need to go out and do things, and get fed-up of sitting in the house, but don't really want to bother, if that makes sense. Everything seems pointless and requires too much effort. I don't know how long I've felt like this, but perhaps it's due to the changing season.
Allsorts Thank you. I hope you're keeping well at the moment.

It's a sunny morning. Hope everyone has a decent day today x

HVDY do hope those thoughts go, I wish I had all the answers, things others shrug off can bring me down. I mull over my inperfections, I have been such a failure in certain things and re run them in my mind, some times I can understand why people become loners. Those monents you think those thoughts try to have an avoidance plan, is there anyone you can ring that understands or just come on here.💐

No, I didnt do all the movies, I could do all the moves. Duh.

Doodle, I’m so glad you managed that drive. Well done on finding your way. Have you any other places you’d like to go to? Do you like to drive, or is it a chore? ( I find its like taking a bit of home with me, so it “enables” me to see lovely views etc)

I did Aikido back 18 years for two years and got my first belt. so it’s a return. its a nice group of about 14, and I could do all the movies, we had simple ones tonight, The club I went to tonight came out of the former one, and to my delight a bloke from the original club was there with his 13 and 11yr old, whom I had known back then. I sat out to have rests. Note-,^we do it very, very gently indeed, unless the two people working are quite advanced^, you take turns to work with others.

(I sorted the call, it was paying a new payee online, and frankly not worth the bother with my bank)

(The electrician, is “one of us,” BTW, a Black Dog - I was open enough, so she came out with it, so she gets cut a lot of slack when it comes down to it).

You are in a very bad patch, aren’t you? Suicidal thoughts are hard to live with day on day. It’s no good others telling you so many have them. My feelings are that our survival instincts are very strong deep down. But my thoughts are with you when you are having them - as you ate at the moment. Yo will go to the doc if they really get bad, yes?

I can recall, HVDY, when I was working once with a volunteer, her saying about having depression and how much effort it took to just get up and out. I am very thankful you have LG…

Are there any other interests you ever thought you could pursue? Its easier meeting others outside the family it you are “doing something with them” and don’t have to chat if you don’t want. But I also know saying this when someone is very down has “no point” ..certianly, do as much aqua as you can. x

Sweetpeasue please do come in and have Rants. You’re not a bad person having them. Come in and let off steam. When you get all the results and prognosis,

you’ll know more what is possible for you both to do. Y

You are feeling extra bad as you are in limbo. It must feel everlasting.

It isnt, but I know it feels that way.

Just posting here is important for you. Dont stop. I know I dont stop posting and said lots of “no point things” and people hung in there with me, let us hang in there with you

I hope we hear from others soon I always wonder “how is such and such a person doing”

HVDY Hope you have a nice time tomorrow with your friend.
Appreciate your encouragement. Guess we're all ' stronger than we realise'. X

SweetpeaSue Thanks. I need to arrange things/bok places to go. DH is perfectly happy to sit at home all day and watch tv/play card games on computer/do crossword books. I'm not happy just doing those things for more than a day at a time, so I'll have to start doing things without him - I'm meeting a friend tomorrow, than it's the day centre on Thursday, and the dentist & aqua on Friday. Your husband has been treated badly/neglected. Without your perseverance, he'd be waiting even longer. You're stronger than you realise.

Hope everyone has a restful night x

HVDY Just read my post to you and I hope it doesn't sound wrong. You do far more and mix with others more than I do. I know what you mean about having a DGC around on certain days as it forces me to do things I wouldn't be bothered to do when my DGS is here.
While we were doing stuff to the house , when DH wasn't as bad, there was something going on and to keep us going. When it stops there's a bit of a space left. Hoping tomorrow is better for you and your early morning waking doesn't continue.

HVDY So sorry you're having those thoughts and you're feeling ( like Wyllow) just staying in and in nightwear.
Depression is such an insidious thing and can creep up gradually , then pounce and you're in a pit before you know it. At least it can be like that with myself. I know Littlegirl is so uplifting but you need something else for the times she's not there too or life doesn't
seem to have meaning. Its so sad your GDs cat has died though had a long life by the sound of it. Thinking of you.x
Doodle Hope Downton Abbey was good , Im looking forward to seeing it when it's out on TV. You should be proud of yourself ,driving an unfamiliar route, Im sure it did your confidence good. Im scared of driving out of my local areas but I think I will have to push myself as it must be so easy to lose confidence completely. Thankyou for your caring.
Wyllow It makes me so mad when I can't get through to people you need on the phone and, as Doodle says, you just go round in circles. That Akido still looks quite a vigorous thing to do. I think I'd be afraid of accidentally hurting the other person or myself! Must be a relief you don't need anything done to your eyes- one thing not to worry about. Hope you managed to get the antibiotics replaced.
* Nadateturbe* Lovely to see you in. The Nadateturbe taize song is so beautiful. Im glad you managed an art class. You do so well to keep going with everything you have to put up with. Thankyou for your prayers that's so kind- it really is.

Wasn't going to come in today as can't trust myself not to rant at my DHs care.
I feel so angry and helpless about it I don't seem to be able to let it go though I must. Saw this morning's news about ' Jess's Law' to encourage GPs to 'think again' about diagnosing. Honestly, if our GP had only listened to me/us , we'd not have been sent round in circles.

Love to all and those not inor personally mentioned.x

Wyllow3 Those moves are impressive. I'm glad your eyesight is ok. I, too, want to stay in and wear pyjamas and do nothing all day (it turns out I'm very good at doing nothing), but the days are so long and boring if I don't make the effort to go somewhere (and it is an effort).

Doolde It's the cat at Son1's, not the one at GD's mum's (she's the one whose young cat had 2 stillborn kittens a few months ago and still hasn't had the cat speyed). You've had a very good day, by the sound of it, with plenty of company. LG loves her food .

Still having these suicidal thoughts - I wouldn't act upon them, too scared something would go wrong and I'd end up brain-damaged or something. It'll pass. DH is out with Son1 this evening, so Jaffa and I are cosy, with the heating on. Hope everyone else has been ok x

HVdY sorry about your DGD mums cat. I expect they’re all sad about it. Glad she’s got you to talk to.
Yesterday I spent the morning having coffee with a friend and then in the afternoon I went to the cinema with two friends to see the new Downton Abbey film. Today I went to visit my cousin and we went for lunch. Not an easy route to get there but I made it there and back with only two wrong turns.
LG seems to be eating well.
What a lovely idea about the cushion.
Sorry Wyllow I’m a bit lost. Are you going to Aikido tonight or is it something you did. 18 years ago? If you are going, I hope you get on well.
I hate it when you’re trying to do something on the phone and go round and round in circles. Hope you got it sorted in the end.
Glad you enjoyed the stitching group. Shame the electrician didn’t come especially as you’d got everything ready.
Good news about your eyes.
Scaredycat hope you’re enjoying yourself.
Sweetpeasue wondering how your day has been.

I was glad, no cataract stuff for some time yet. It's partly my meds, and a lot to do with very dry eyes, so got the drops.

It's safe to drive, re-affirmed.

Tomorrow is my skin appointment for the dodgy looking skin blips, so its an all body inspection.

This is what we learn HVDY. No way like that Dan grade women, but enough to give som confidence.

A big part of me wants to hide at home in nighties and big fleece.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xbHFSidMW8

How are other BD's today

Back later as in at the opticians but the way a 5th women bring a big man down , unless he is of course adept himself, is by unbalancing him. The nasty hand twists, whirling round behind them quickly and so on. Many people do aikido well in to their 80’s.
Ill and post a video of it later.

Back in later xx