BLACK DOG 26

Ah, I didn't know that, HVDY. I am thankful that this is in the past now. Yes, all the more reason to support your brother.

Wyllow3 My SIL went through the phase of being aggressive, a few years ago. She used to swear at him, threaten him, etc. She was also very paranoid, accusing him of hitting her (her 2nd husband was violent to her. Brother is 3rd husband) and taking her bank card/rings/hairbrush- she's put things in strange places. She was argumentative and stubborn with it, refusing to eat her meals, get dressed, have a shower, etc. He got carers to go in, and then put her in a home for 2 week's respite, but she fell and broke her hip within 24 hours, and has been in care ever since (2 years now). My brother had a tough time with her. Despite his being indifferent/uninterested in my life & family, I feel I should support him at times.

Its was sun/rain here, HVDY. I'm glad you are supporting your brother to see his wife - after reading other stories on GM its sad that some go violent and bitter, I'm glad she is not (from what you've said previously). How about popcorn not sweeties:

(tho I'll have one if I'm with DGC who are allowed a little treat after teatime)..but for me it's that they stick to my teeth and she. I'll tell you want I will always have tho - jelly babies, the little bears. Who else bit the heads off first?

Its Quakers, much missed last week, must go for the whole thing, and after - weather depends. -gym or the Botanical Gardens for a good leg stretch.

ScaredyCat Nice that your daughter and her family visited and had some of your lovely home-baked cake. Did you once say that your daughter's husband liked Nottingham Forest (or am I confused)? They didn't do well. Hope the family celebrations went well and that your GD's husband enjoyed his birthday. Had a nice pub lunch with Son1 and both girls, near to their place. It poured with rain for most of the day here.

EllieAnne Kind and true words from SweetpeaSue and Doodle. You need to believe in yourself more.

Doodle Hope you have a good day today, with church and seeing your grandson (are you going there for lunch or just tea and cake, perhaps?).

SweetpeaSue Glad your husband had the blood test ok. It surely shouldn't be long now until he's able to be seen and treated by the hospital. Hope your trip out with your aunt went ok.

Wyllow3 What a full day you had, with good work on the garden, too. It absolutely poured with rain almost all day here yesterday. I didn't have a dessert yesterday, but bought a couple of magazines and a bag of Haribo sweets. Watched a programme called "The Guest", which was a bit far-fetched but entertaining.

Going to see my brother later, then we'll visit his wife. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

not the shots I got a refund for, the plants. ?!?

Ah, the Practice manager, Sweetpeasue, even better: I feel they will now really have the focus on how you both are. Well done with Aunt. Yes, now I kn ow its the practice manager, I would write too, as suggested. Ho nice that nurse was. -restores ones faith when it has been cold or less than needed before.

Oh yes Scaredycat…“Not many people have the confidence you think they have. We are all just whistling in the dark a lot of the time” Oh yes, following instinct, getting some things right and other very wrong, its just that now, tho get extreme anxiety about it, I forgive myself, mostly” .
I’ve just sent N (cleaner friend will be N from now on) 3 fave songs her and her DH sing and support in a church band. Next time you bake…It will be tiring tonight but sounds oh so worth it.

Ah yes, Ellie Anne , that’s good, I love my computer in my bedroom when I want to be cosy and secure, I wouldn’t like a TV. I lie on my bed, pillows under my head to raise it, covers on, lap top propped up, even a HWB to go with.

Best laid, HVDY…terrible time, the weeds not tended to, I mean, cat duvet covers…lovely family lunch…maybe a cake…

Wise words, Doodle. This everyday moments, these everyday words, all matter, all mean people wanting to recognise and communicate. As for what I speak about, it can vary from cakes and grandchildren and home life to high faulting’ theory, it simply depends on who one is talking to. The difference between cleaners and carers is often blurred and between paid to work and friendships. I wonder when K my carer stops (the day will come) she’ll want to “keep up?” It’s in her hands.
I’m sorry it’s been a sad and lonely day, so a big hug. Touch, missed so much.

I’ve had an amazing day - at the gym wasn’t notably S my Eritrean friend (we have exchanged phone numbers, but her friend, from the Punjab, joined us. She has had further education and works in a school as co-ordinator but would really like to work in a hospice, but they dont pay enough. My we did our yoga and laughed so much.

Then on he way back I picked up a freebie shoes rack from outside a house, asked the lady which charity to give to.

Hence to call in on the bike shop to get my saddle finally sorted, the last bit needed, they weren’t open but the very useful hardware shop wot has everything was, so got some light topsoil and not only planted our the shots I got a refund for, but also did some garden tidying and a soft of weeding. Very satisfactory, maybe an hour, and it was sunny, and then the rain started, just right.

Then a nice long natter on the phone with DS and DGD2, the one who is art inclined and wants to stay with me (not yet, tiring). Lots of playing with photos on the computer, I had done a lot of selfies and one looks very nice as in suitable portrait of me for use on /Facebook et al.

Very tired, bed soon, early for me.

Thoughts to BD’s, whoever you are, whatever you are feeling.

Thanks Doodle and * Scaredycat*.
We've certainly been very badly let down by the NHS. I've been a bit afraid that anyone reading might think I have a pre- conceived downer on NHS because of past mistakes with myself but I guess We've just been very unlucky. I do still realise there are good Dr's and nurses .
Enjoy your family celebration * Scaredycat* and Doodle So sorry for your bad day today. It must be so very hard for you and exhausting feeling the pain all the time but trying to keep on. Hugs to you.
V tired . DH had BT - in fact the lovely nurse called here and said he could go in early as there wasn't many patients today! She remembered him and it was her that went for the Dr last time as she'd seen such a deterioration in him. Such a genuinely warm person.
Hoping everyone has a comfortable night . Xx

Ellie Anne I have two GCEs . Never discuss politics as I’m not interested. I talk to others about things we have in common maybe family, church, holidays etc. I know nothing of finance and can only add up with a calculator. If I met you in person I sure we’d chat about walks on the beach, the problems with your garden. Maybe your daughter definitely your grandchildren.
You don’t need to be clever to make friends you just need to be yourself. I have made so many friends in the last 12 months. We chat about mundane things in life. What I have found is that everyone has some serious problems in their life. I’ve not come across anyone whose life is all roses. All of them have problems with family, money, home, health. All of them.
Don’t try and impress anyone and try to make friends with ordinary people that you come across. The lady at the bus stop. The person on their own in the cafe. You feel bad about yourself which is why you find it so hard. Please believe in yourself a bit more. I am sure there are many souls out there who would like to meet up with you.
Sweetpeasue I think your husband has been so badly let down by the NHS. I do hope the scans and blood tests point to something that can be treated and your Dh can be made to feel better. Rest assured you’re doing all you can. Your Dh should be proud of you.
I would write to them too feeling them how badly let down you feel.
HVDY I’m sure on Christmas Eve you’ll have nothing better to do than to go to a dermatology appointment!
Oh what a shame you had to miss out on the weeding 🤣 Glad you had a better choice by spending time with your son and family,
Scaredycat it’s our grandsons birthday today too. Not a big one though. Hope you enjoy the party and have a lovely time.
Wyllow sounds like you had a busy day and a rewarding conversation with your cleaner. So good that you get on with each other and are moving towards a more friendly relationship. My DIL’s mother has had the same cleaner for years and she has looked after DILs mother when she was ill. Sleeping there overnight to help out with looking after her.
I’ve not had a good day today. Been out and with friends but have felt lonely without DH. Some days are just more sad than others. Church tomorrow and I’m looking forward to that. Also going to see grandson and family,

Wyllow I use my iPad in the bedroom. I keep looking for a comfy chair but there isn’t really a suitable space. I sit on the bed or if it’s cold on the floor against the radiator.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- such kind words to EllieAnne.
I would write if I was you. You have both been so mistreated by your surgery and the clinic. Write down everything that you said to them - there needs to be a record of this appalling treatment and how badly it has affected you both.
I hope your Aunt enjoyed her time with you today and that it helped to take your mind off things for a while.
HVDY- I,ve never used sunbeds either. But I did Ski and walk a lot in the Alps without proper sun protection. It wasn’t publicised like it is now.
Xmas Eve isn’t a day you would chose to visit hospital is it. I,m surprised they hold a clinic so late that day.
Hope you had a lovely lunch with your Son - so much nicer than weeding.
EllieAnne- you have brought up a family which is an achievement in itself and you are a kind and loyal friend too.
It doesn’t matter where your skills lie - we are not all the same.
Your negativity stems from your low self esteem . Not many people have the confidence you think they have. We are all just whistling in the dark a lot of the time. I wish we could all give you the hugs you really need. Please believe we all like having you as our friend.
Wyllow- it will be good to have your cleaner keep in touch with you when your Sis is away. She sounds a really good person and with a sense of humour too.
Sorry the cake is all done. DD,SiL,Stepson and DiL came over to watch the football and have some lunch so no trebucheting today!!
That sounded a good shopping trip - places like B and M and Home Bargains are full of treasures.
You are developing a such a good,varied friend and support group you don’t want to rush into moving. All I would say is don’t leave it until life maybe forces you to do it.
What lovely words in your post- so full of truths and hope.

Tonight is our GD1 s DH Big Birthday bash. It’s going to be a real effort to get ready and go out. But he’s a lovely man and deserves a special celebration. Will just have to prop,up my eyes with matchsticks😀
Love to all especially those we miss and those who haven’t posted lately.

HVDY Jaffas going to love that Duvet cover- unless he feels there's competition.
Ahh- such a shame about the weeding job -- sure they'll be bigger and brighter tomorrow.
Have a nice time with son and girls.

SweetpeaSue Today's "plans" have gone awry - a friend from the day centre rang for an hour - she talks as much as I do - then a delivery came; it's a duvet set with cats all over it , and some baking tins (I might, one day, make a cake), then Son1 suggested we meet him and his girls for lunch, so weeding has been postponed (what a shame haha).

EllieAnne You don't sound boring to me at all .TBH I think I would describe myself as a quiet thinker and Im sure others wouldn't think of me as having 'an opinion' on anything as I don't usually share them ( unless it was extremely important) . If you were in a group I think I'd gravitate towards yourself , certainly not to the 'loudest'.
Please keep reaching out to others - there are others like you who feel lonely too. Im sorry you're feeling so bad. Words from HVDY might be helpful.
Wyllow I love those words and in particular that Mendelsson's violin concerto.Nice description. I see lots of anger in the first part but love the adagio. So glad your cleaner wants more contact and it will be great to be able to chat more.
Oh BTW it wasn't a GP we saw yesterday but the actual practice manager, which was why I knew he had the authority to move things.
HVDY No , you didn't sound bothered by the wait- I immediately thought as yourself and was surprised by the appt on Christmas Eve.
Sorry your day isn't more exciting - pulling weeds - ugh- great fun eh! Im just going to have to get myself ready now as we're picking up aunt. Asked DH if he's up to it ( he's not overly keen but he doesn't have to go but he likes to be with me) Getting colder -- don't know what I'll put on.
Hope everyone's day goes OK.

Everything you say about you, Ellie Anne is very perceptive.

As I know some politicians personally, like my MP who I went for, for MH help, when totally badly discharged (my own GP went round and met those involved it was so bad....and was helped, big time (a letter to the local MH people) ....they come in all shapes and sizes.

We are promised sun for most of the day, and I have my two indoor cyclamen to pot up in a fancy (possibly 1930's?) pot found in a charity shop.

Wise words by that author, Wyllow3

EllieAnne I don't involve myself with politics (I believe most politicians are corrupt). I'm hopeless with money, always have been. So what? You will be good at something - I was excellent at caring for people and had a lot of knowledge in medical/care things. You're a good person, a good mum, granny and wife. If you wanted to get a new skill or understanding of something, perhaps you could do an evening class or online course? Have dance lessons? That would be a way of meeting new people.

Wyllow3 Your cleaner sounds lovely. I'm glad you get on so well with her.

Not much happening today. Boring stuff at home, may do some weeding. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Nowadays its probably just Christmas Day?

My, am I tired. A treat facial fat 10.30 at the gym, not sure if I will even end up on my yoga mat after. there are films to be seen, if I manage to get back to reading I'll be very glad. Need practice.

How - and what - are other Black Dogs doing today?

I should add that I'm ok about the wait for the next Dermatology appointment - I just thought it odd to be on Christmas Eve. I forget that some people work all year round ( I used to)

HVDY yes, lovely chat with cleaner..... I decided about 5pm resting in Costa... to ask her if I could ring her now and then, partly because my sister is going away for 9 days, but a move closer to her being someone to natter to and natter back. I was so so nervous asking but it was more than rewarded.

I was glad to hear your diagnosis, although nasty, was not pre-cancerous. how do you feel about the time wait for the next appointment?

So you had to work off the carvery! Oh that makes me smile.

Scaredycat - or womaned up? (the Bee in my Bonnet)... So how was it at the dentist?
And is there any birthday cake left for the trebuchet?

Doodle - it’s like that in art/craft groups - we go there for the company….same as the little local up the road stitching group on Monday Mornings open to me

Well, as soon as you have a pic to share it will be nice.
It's definitely something to be proud of when that pile of papers is sorted/discarded nicely in order.

Sweetpeasue yes I have a good alternative for the painting but I’m still trying to find a viable way of reproducing my first choice by ink jet printer: if I do it at home on A4 It will be smaller but the best option I can get best quality paper and control the colour settings.

Its great that DH likes “Setting in order” - it can be a comfort and achievement..
(The hugs are permanent. They don't wash off.)
Hey, very well done you for kicking up that fuss.

Sounds like backs were put up at first -then thought better of - because you’d poured it out absolutely from the heart - or he had talked to someone else.

The trouble with this is that it depends on the individual doctor - you could have had Doc B who would have responded to you like a real human being. Far from being a rant, you are showing people “how to!”

Counselling was about..men, gap in knowing who my CPN is and when I’ll ever see one, and life, death and the universe stuff, (inc Quaker beliefs) we know each other very well.

I'm seeing her in a fortnight and financially I may decide it has to be a trade off with my carer. But at the pondering stage and need to feel secure with CPN first.

I left home to go to a low cost homeware shop with some plants and ended up the weekly shop there too and art treats for work with DGD for astonishing cost.

Then escaped for a long drive and ponder, including the feeling of “coming home” to the ward LP branch, where I was welcomed back post illness -they all knew what it was, MH clearly not a big deal….good folks like setting up the local food bank (with others of course, politics not the issue)….and one bloke the leading light in setting up a recycle/mend/re use/ give away centre in town (council waived the rent), his thing is climate change..

Hmm, I thought, what with the local stitching group too..may not move for longer, we’ll see.

Ellie Anne how are things - hoping you have a TV in your bedroom (or a good computer that plays channels found on TV)

Wondering, of course, about all our other BD’s even if just reading.

Doodle I wish I had more intelligence. I do have qualifications but am really very ignorant about politics and can’t get on with financial matters. My opinions are easily swayed and I have no personality.
If you met me in person you would find me very boring and insipid. So maybe I deserve my life.
Sorry to be so negative but these last few days I feel different in spite of some good times.
I feel so lonely although there are people around me.

An interlude before I post tonight. Additions, explanations, in italics

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the difficult ones they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, activities, concerns however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him/Her to be.

And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy"

by Max Ehrmann ©1927

Music to go with: about 3 minutes :

the one and only Yehudi Menuhin, the Adagio in Mendelsson's Violin Concerto in e Major. The Adagio starts at 12.50.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5KYs_-l70k&list=RDD5KYs_-l70k&start_radio=1

(For me its like the dawn cautiously breaking, speaks comforting words, talks of loss, then turns to happy - from a minor note to a major note: a dialogue: and continues to do the same throughout until the end, which ends after climbing stairs hesitatingly, softly, with comfort.)

Well thats just me.

SweetpeaSue I would write to them. They should be told they failed your husband.

Had a message on my NHS app - my next Dermatology appointment is Christmas Eve at 5pm!

Off to bed, hope everyone rests well x

HVDY Thankyou. We've been let down so much. If we hadn't gone private I don't know what else we could do to prove DHs Vascular problems, given the same NHS Vascular clinic at our local hospital dismissed him. I've been thinking I might write to that clinic , telling them how they've failed DH. They should be grateful for more info about SS , as they haven't recognised my DHs condition.

ScaredyCat Thanks, it's good to know someone else with AK. The Dermatologist asked if I'd ever used sunbeds (no) - me, with white skin and Rosacea . As Doodle says, you've coped with such a lot in life and are a real inspiration to us all.

Doodle Yes, best to have these things checked. My dad used to get Rodent Ulcers on his face and hands, a skin cancer that is contained to small areas. From all the hot countries he went to during the war, they said. He used to have to have them cut out How was your day?

SweetpeaSue Your GP surgery is terrible. The doctors failed your husband all this time, and his lack of proper care has been appalling. I hope that now he's going to have the blood test, things will move quicker, and that a treatment will be made soon.

And ,yes, Private Vascular consultant said of course he has Subclavian Steal , the pain in his left arm is dreadful and he's muscle wastage in hand because it's difficult to use. He threw the NHS report on the desk and said it was a' load of nonsense '

Doodle Just seen your post.
NHS Vascular surgeon knew the Subclavian artery had plaque in it and there was this bruit sound there. On second opinion- seeing same surgeon- she said there had been addendum added to DHs file saying scan had been reviewed ( don't know by who) and it wasn't true Subclavian Steal .
The private one we saw examined DH and could hear 2 bruits( brewys not sure how spelt) One was now so in Carotid artery and he suspected by sound of it ,it was fully occluded , which he also wrote in letter to our GP afterwards.I think the scan now will show it's very bad indeed it's just getting it now. As soon as DH has BT we'll ring York hospital to tell them the results are on the way to them.
If we'd been told about the need for the BT we could have arranged it weeks ago. It's now 5 weeks since we saw private Vascular Dr.
Sorry for long post -- hope it's clearer.
Take care.x